Somehow we will make it through

That moment when you feel empty inside, that moment when you have prayed and prayed and prayed so hard and feel like you got nothing. When you watch someone you love hurting and you pray to know what to say and nothing, that moment when you beg for relief and it feels as if the heavens are closed, the windows bolted shut and God far away. You're sure He has a reason for being distant, but you feel so alone and forsaken. I'm sure we've all seen this quote before, and if not here it is:

And intellectually it makes sense, but it doesn't take the hurt away and it doesn't quite jive with the Atonement either. Instead perhaps it is more like a test where the teacher allows you to have a note card cheat sheet, you can put on all the information you need, yet you wouldn't think of it as asking the teacher for help, even though it was his kindness and suggestive fore thought that helped you get the answers right. Sometimes for whatever reason Heavenly Father doesn't send a clear message that presents the answer to our pleas, sometimes He simply sends the light of Christ into our heart, the strength to keep going, the strength to endure, the strength to maintain our faith that what is today, is not necessarily what will be tomorrow, the faith that He does love us, even though the adversary seems to have a bull horn and the Lord is a whisper from across the stadium. We don't realize the power of faith, until we cannot hear the Lord yet we choose Him still. This life was meant to present us with choices, it was meant to try us to our limits and keep us growing, not so that we would be miserable, but so that we could find strength in faith and trust that even if our answers don't seem to come, that our Father is waiting just out of whisper distance until we've proved to ourselves that we know He is there, that He loves us and somehow we will make it through.

May God Bless Us Everyone

As I'm sure most have already seen the Logan Gardner's have a Christmas tree, a gorgeous wedding color bedecked Christmas tree (Courtney thanks for the great idea). It was so wonderful to get it out of the box, spruce up the branches and fill the holes with bulbs, ribbon and some ornaments from childhood. There is something so soothing about a Christmas tree, both Christopher and I love plugging in the tree, turning off the lights and just bask in the soothing glow. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved being in the presence of a glowing tree, I think that is why I would stay up late over Christmas break and get up so early Christmas morning, it was my time to be quiet on the inside and just enjoy the glow.

Today in sacrament meeting a speaker gave a quote that caught my attention, he shared the story of Desmond Tutu, the Archbishop of South Africa. Bro Tutu was asked what he learned from recovering from Aperthied and how he learned how to forgive and move forward. His words "I learned to shut up more in the presence of Heavenly Father." I was kind of surprised to hear the words shut up over the pupil, but it also caused me to think. We often go to Heavenly Father with wants, concerns, worries, requests, frustrations and just stuff. The speaker likened prayer to a roaring a fire, you don't sit next to the fire to have a conversation, or complain or question, you go to the fire to bask in its warmth and its beauty. Our prayers can be this same way, we can go to the Lord and just enjoy his presence, its like when you walk into the temple and it just feels different, you feel more calm on the inside, more at peace. That is what this Christmas season is about, taking one month out of the year to feel that peace and share it. Perhaps Heavenly Father gave us the celebration of Christmas at the darkest time of the year, so we would turn on our Christmas tree lights and bask in the glow, be reminded of the amazing gift that was given. We could look at the history and the pagan holidays and a bunch of everything, but ultimately Christmas in December is a gift, when the sun isn't shining we are reminded of the star that shown proclaiming Christ's birth, when the sun isn't shining we see the lights on the evergreen and are reminded of the light of Christ that will never go out, when we see garlands on doors and smiles on faces we are reminded of the joy of the season. I hope this Christmas we remember the wondrous gift that has been given, that we bask in the light of love that is seen in more hearts this time of year than any other, that we might share that love with all those we see and that we might take time out of our day to bask in the glow of the love and light this Christmas day.

Merry Christmas everyone, may God bless us everyone.

The Eternal Gift

I think many of us can think of years past when a teacher or parent has asked us what gift we will give our Savior this Christmas. That is a very powerful question, especially when the world focuses so heavily on what we receive and what electric wonder we can buy a family member to prove to them that we love them. Whatever focus we place on the Savior reminds the gift given many centuries and reminds us what we can return to Him.

Yet this week I was asked a question that rang in my heart and has stayed with me. What can I do to better use the gift Christ has already given to me? My institute teacher said that often people don't want to go to the Savior for help because they don't want to make His suffering worse. When in all actuality Christ has already done the suffering when we refuse his assistance we are simply suffering and hurting over something that was already covered years before, we ourselves as well as Christ hurt, yet find no relief.

I took that question so much to heart because all too often I try to go it on my own. I forget that the Atonement covers pain, a sore heart, loneliness, frustration, anger, sadness and all of the myriad of feelings attached to life. Christ did not just go into that garden to feel the sins of the Ten Commandments, He feels the heart ache of addiction, He feels the heart ache of effort unrecieved, He feels the pain of trying to hard yet still falling short, He feels the pain of being left alone when we so badly need a hug, He knows what it is to feel overwhelmed, to feel that we will always fall short, He knows what it is to feel inadequate, to feel betrayal, to feel exhausted. Christ knew that all of these things and so many others were all apart of this life, He also knew that this life is about finding joy and He knew that without his sacrifice we could not find both. He wants to give us peace, hope and joy, yet He cannot give us these things until we go to him, unless we more fully use the gift he has already given to us.

I have seen a glimpse of nights that never seem to end, of times when I ache to be okay, but see no way to find it, I've seen days of joy seem so short. Our Heavenly Father knew we would be tested within millimeters of our limits, thus a gift, a gift eternally given and infinitely useful, the gift of our Savior is never used up and never too used to still be efficacious.

Our Savior Jesus Christ gave us the ultimate gift, the only moments He suffers are we refuse the gift and think we should do it on our own. For each moment we call on our Father for aid, we learn of the supernal gift of love and we learn to love as our Father loves.

He is There

I have a confession to make, I am having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year, me, the child in my home that got up at 2 a.m every year just to look at the magic of the lights sparkling off of wrapping paper and stocking full to bursting. Now just to be clear, it wasn't about what I was about to get, well maybe when I was little ;-), but it was about the magic of the moment and the joy and anticipation of Christmas. I've kept up that tradition except for a year of flu, Cambodia and a year when Santa had been up way too late for the week prior and needed sleep before wrapping. But just three years out of the very many I can remember is quite a record, even as I hit my twenties it was the one thing I didn't release of childhood. Christmas morning was the thing I looked forward to most as the Christmas season approached.I am so not feeling that they year, whether the realities of being out on my own, wanting to provide something special for my spouse or simply being distracted by work and school and just trying to keep up.

I'm so grateful for my ward's Christmas program last week, to see Mary and Joseph making their way to a cave in a hillside, to place their child in a manger of hay. And I realized that Christ would one day feel Joseph's inadequacy that he couldn't even provide a real bed for his wife and newborn baby, the very Son of God. Christ would feel the labor pains of his mother Mary and feel her concern as she stored up the prophecies of the work her son would one day do. In that scene Christ stood foremost as a divine being that gave up his divine courts above to come to earth to save our souls. Heavenly Father granted us a gift, He loved the earth enough to give one son to make the ultimate sacrifice, not just to die for mankind, but to live and experience pain for them as well. We are known, our Father sent a son who would face anguish for us because He never wanted us to be alone.

It is so easy to be distracted by all the stuff, things we think we need to do, traditions we think we need to establish, shopping that has to be done or .... insertt concern here. Today in testimony meeting a little boy stood at the microphone and said something that went right to my heart, "I love Jesus" that is what this season is all about, learning to love Jesus here as we loved him before coming to earth. It is remembering that Heavenly Father gave the first gift of Christmas, He made manifest his love for us first. And He gives us so many miracles to remind us He is there.