What made you gold

Have you ever felt like Heavenly Father was the enemy? You knew He was there, you knew He had placed you on a specific path, you knew He had a reason for it, you felt miserable and felt like you have no control in the situation. You knew He loves you, but you don't feel it, because in the midst of this trial you feel like a plaything of the cosmos, you can't run away because you know there isn't anywhere better to go, but you feel trapped in a "growing opportunity". You begin questioning all the things you felt directed to do, you feel like they were pointless and all that excitement you had turns to dust and ashes. You saw so a realization of so much potential in this journey and the next thing you know, you feel you've gotten into the middle of it and all that hope and potential has come to not. You don't know why Heavenly Father asked you to do it, because you can't see a reason for it. It isn't worth the time or money or effort and now what do you do.

 A lot of those thoughts have had a much more dominant place on the stage of my mind than I ever want to have happen again. Even knowing Heavenly Father had given direction for each stage, I still felt betrayed, I still felt like I had been led down a rabbit hole and then left alone. I knew in my mind that Heavenly Father had a purpose for the rabbit hole and that He loved me, but I couldn't feel it. I've heard the phrase, and even wrote a blog post about the fact that in the midst of the test the teacher is silent. I know academically speaking that there are times in our lives when Heavenly Father won't be as present or at least we won't feel His presence as strongly, this isn't necessarily due to sin, but is simply part of the test. We came to this life to prove to ourselves that we would follow our Father and our Savior even when we couldn't seem them. There will come a day when our Father in Heaven will abide with us, He will not be restrained from being with us, but in preparation for that day we must prove we want Him to abide with us, which means sometimes our heart strings will be tugged upon and when what we desire is His presence, having Him feel far away tugs quite heavily at those strings.

In moments when we don't feel that confirmation, in moments when we feel we are facing our struggles all alone, when we feel the world has turned against us, when the path seems fraught with pain and sadness then are the moments we choose God. But sometimes its not that easy...

In the early days of the church the Brethren often talked about having a spirit of discord or a spirit of sadness or a spirit of anger. Nowadays when we read those talks and discourses we think they are just talking about someone being discordant, sad or angry. But I want to think with me for a minute about the spirits that followed Lucifer out of heaven when he became Satan. I would imagine that they feel very discordant, sad, angry and bitter, because when they chose to follow Lucifer they chose to give up their birth right and in believing Satan they believe the lie that God hates them, because if He loved them He would let them come back. But it doesn't work that way for them, so they do their best to teach us that lie and share their skewed perception of Heavenly Father with us. That third part of heaven wants us to feel anger, bitterness, frustration and sadness. But we have protection, we have help, we just have to choose Heavenly Father in those moments when we feel all the negative emotion against Him we can muster. Because in those moments the followers of Satan think they have us in their grasp, but when we choose God, even when it doesn't make sense, and when we ask for His angels and armies to assist us they will and then we can find peace.

This mortal life can have so much pain and sadness, but it can also have peace and joy. Just because we are keeping the commandments doesn't mean heartache won't come, but it does mean we can call down the powers of heaven on our behalf, we can find relief, we can find hope, we can find peace.

We won't always find all the answers, we won't always end up just where we thought we would, sometimes there isn't immediate relief of painful circumstances. But call out to the God who gave you life, to the Father who calls you child, because there will come a day when you see where you were and what you have become and you will see that the trials that seemed to burn so painfully were what made you gold.

Those are the moments

It's been four years today since I arrived at the Phnom Penh airport and prepared to fly home after just six short months in the country and just nine months after being set apart as a missionary.  Though suffering with unknown health problems I felt sure that as soon as I stepped off the plane my life would just fall into place. Having made the decision to come home because the Spirit said I had finished my work there and knowing there happened to be a young man waiting at home I was sure that things would simply fall into place, I'd come home, start back into school, get a job, get married, graduate and life would be fantastic. Well I did get a job, I did get back into school and tried out a couple different majors and life was fantastic... but marriage didn't come for quite sometime,  though that same young man was still right there waiting for me.

  Sometimes in our lives we make choices based upon the Spirit and then are surprised when what follows is not what we logically thought would follow. In my case I hadn't come home with the end result of getting married, I came home because the Lord said it was time, and then spent two years working and waiting for the one that I loved, trying out different majors, learning to wait, to hope and to keep trying even when doors felt like they were shut.

Once more I went where the Lord said to go, but as before the things that came were not things I expected to come. Things didn't automatically all work themselves out. I know I've been hammering this topic out a lot lately, probably almost to the ad nosium stage, you'd think after facing this four years ago I'd just say, oh yeah seen that before, I've so got this. But that hasn't been the case, I have come to realize that what I usually think of myself isn't always true. I usually think I have a pretty good grasp on faith, that when the Lord asks I will happily do, but that's because when the Lord asks things usually turn out really well from the very beginning. This time they haven't and I've realized a lot of my faith has been based in the outcome. I had faith and was happy about it because so far things have gone really well. Well there was that time I was waiting to get married for two years, but this time feels different for some reason.

For the first time in my life things just feel dark, even with blessings coming, kindness from others, unexpected tender mercies, knowing that things will eventually work out, even knowing that Heavenly Father is nearby, I still feel dark and despondent. For one of the first times in my life that I can remember, I just don't want to do it. I feel selfish, self-centered, frustrated, sad, mad and a whole host of other emotions, all telling me to just run away. Yet I know there isn't anywhere else to go, one, because I don't really think there is anywhere else to go, two because I know in my heart that by running away I don't become who I'm supposed to be. The longer I stay mad, despondent, grumpy, frustrated or selfish the longer I stunt my progress, my working to change those emotions won't automatically make the trials go any faster, but my ability to learn and find peace will greatly increase the sooner I can work to be kinder, kinder to myself and others.

I ache so badly to do good in the world, to be important, to make a difference, to be someone special that I've missed the boat. I have gotten so caught up in the big things, that I've missed the little differences, that I've missed that I can still make where I'm at a better place to be, even if waking up every morning seems like I'm in the same old same old. Over the pulpit we sometimes hear of miraculous events, that when your cupboards are bare a young man shows up on your door step with a little red wagon full of food, or of a sister going through a hard time and another sister with a loaf of bread just happens to show up on her doorstep. Or of a women facing medical bills just happens to receive a check from an old college room mate that matches the need. All of these gifts and miracles come from a Heavenly Father who loves us so dearly. But that doesn't mean those same miracles happen in our lives, maybe they will, but it is up to a Father in Heaven who knows us perfectly to know how to reach us where we are. Maybe sometimes instead of a check in the mail it is having money in the bank you can draw from because you were obedient and saved up, maybe it's a familiar member willing to offer you a good deal on their vehicle because you don't know how long yours is going to last, maybe its knowing how to help someone even if you aren't in a place to go shovel mud out of someone's basement. The Lord works in mysterious ways and maybe sometimes its enough to know He's still there, even when everything else feels like it is going down hill fast.

There will be moments of darkness in all of our lives, moments when it seems that nothing we do will really work out, moments when it doesn't matter how it will work out eventually, you just know it really hurts now. Those are the moments when Christ is sitting right next to you. In those moments tell the Lord exactly how you feel, don't leave anything out, then ask for angels to clear away some darkness and then hope for peace, because those are the moments we are not alone.

Brick by Brick

"Paths to truth and righteousness are started by many, but often are lost in the confusion the adversary throws on top. However, if you have the rod in your hand and do not let go despite what is thrown at you, the road will be laid out before you brick by brick and you will not need to worry about Satan's lies and poking because you will be where Christ can protect you." An inspired friend.

Also from this inspired friend D&C 101:16 "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion, for all flesh is in mine hand; Be Still and Know That I Am God"

 The above scripture was introduced to me as I was very unwisely doubting the intents of the Lord. He had asked for a very simple thing, but I wasn't seeing how it could possibly work out. I was questioning where this was all going to lead me, instead of simply saying "okay Father, you have this all arranged and I will simply take the direction you so lovingly offered." I love the reminder from D&C 101:16 to be still and know that He is God, but I love it even more in the context of the whole section. In this section Heavenly Father is assuring the saints that He is still preparing Zion for them and that He cares about those things that are close to their hearts. He promises crowns to the faithful and that all His promises will come to fruition...according to their faithfulness. In that moment Zion seemed so far away for the members in Missouri, but they just had to have faith and be obedient. Sadly because of some choices that were made Zion couldn't come to fruition in Missouri, but it did still come, it just took more time. In fact Heavenly Father alludes to that very thing after verse 16. He knew the saints would stumble so He offered them hope that Zion could still come.


We often talk about recognizing the Spirit and skip over the next logical step, doing what it says once the opposition starts. I often find that when I am seeking Heavenly Father as an active guide in my life that He is very willing to direct, assist, help and encourage, but that requires us to accept that direction and help. This week I received the direction of what I should do, then went all common sense on myself and denied it. What followed was some of the worst darkness I'd felt in a long while. It wasn't until I went back to that moment of decision and decided to find peace over common sense that light could enter into my heart and help me feel close to the Lord. I learned in small measure that is it better to stand with Christ and his help, then to deny it and open myself up to turmoil. Our Savior wants to bear our burdens, wants to guide and direct us, but He cannot do that if we actively choose to ignore what He asked us to do. When we make Jonah choices we get Jonah consequences, when we make Abraham choices we get Abraham consequences. Now in comparing these two men we notice that both men did face trial and testing, but one had a distinct advantage, Abraham had the Savior as friend and guide, and to offer comfort. Jonah trapped in a whale knew it was his choices that put him there.

I got to learn that lesson all over again this morning. In the scriptures we are encouraged to put trust in the Lord and not in the arm of the flesh. I think we sometimes forget what that really means. It means that even when the people we love and whose opinion we value give advice that goes contrary to the direction of the Lord, no matter how much sense it makes or how logical it seems, we need to choose the voice of the Lord. Because it is heeding His voice that offers protection and help.

It is after the clarity that the confusion often rises. It is after the peace and the decision to follow the Spirit that Satan puts his two cents worth in. He tries to call us to common sense, he causes us to think about all the things that could go wrong, all the limitations, to focus on how scary following that direction will be. We focus on the impossibilities of following on that direction instead of remembering where the direction came from and that Heavenly Father is preparing the way. Yes things seem uncertain now, but we have to start with obedience, then everything else can work out as it should. I in no way mean to imply this is simple or easy, as human beings we are very limited in our sight, we think that what is at this moment is what will always be. Heavenly Father sees how quickly things can change and how different our reality can be in just a couple of breaths. It is as we walk on His path and trust Him to lay it out brick by brick that we find peace, hope and comfort.

No Looking Back

The Lord will call us to certain tasks in this life, certain roles we are asked to fill, certain places we should be to do His work. These places won't be comfortable,  they won't be easy, that doesn't make them less doable,  if perhaps more intimidating. Heavenly Father has asked us to be a peculiar people, that means we do what He asks when He asks, whether it immediately makes sense or if we obey simply because the request came from Him.

  So last week a beautiful opportunity came into my life and this week I actually faced what that opportunity meant in the day to day. As we learned last week there doesn't have to be shoe droppage, but that doesn't mean life isn't painful. I feel like there is a myth that when we are on the right path all the bumps are magically smoothed out of the way and that things are bright, beautiful and cheerful. We think because we heeded the Spirit life will now be perfect. But that's not how discipleship works. Once we prove faithful to initial revelation, then the testing comes. Yes we can have peace and joy because we know that we are following our Father's plan for us and we know that eventually we will make it where we need to be and will have become marvelous in the process, we can take comfort because we know we are not walking alone, however we will also be tested to see if we will hold to the further light and knowledge that Heavenly Father promised to give to us.

This week I read something on Facebook to the effect of "Don't you wish that Heavenly Father would just come into your bedroom, sit on your bed and say "okay this is how this is going to go'?"I think that Heavenly Father does in actuality do this for us quite often, it's us who perhaps fear the message He sends, or fear crowds out the message. We start on the journey He placed our feet upon and we find ourselves thinking "this is painful, this is overwhelming, what in the world is going on?" We seek for ways out, a turn off a head, or we choose to look back because what we had seems so much better than what is before us. Perhaps we want to go back because our plan would be easier or seemed so simple or because what is before us simply doesn't make sense. Yet we have felt that Spirit and know we are on the right path, so as Joseph Smith said "...I knew that God knew it and how could I deny it".

 Heavenly Father has mysteries of the kingdom to show us, He has a world that we can barely imagine just waiting for us around the corner, but we have to show we are ready for that kingdom. The gate is narrow, the path straight to the kingdom of God. Heavenly Father wants to bless His children with worlds without number, but with those blessings comes certain preparations and we must be tried to prove that we will be faithful at all costs, we will chose Heavenly Father even in pain and frustration. This week was painful for two reasons, one a new adventure I am constantly reminding myself I have the tools I need to be successful, because Heavenly Father always prepares us for new adventures and two because my much loved spouse is having a very painful time and I have reached the point where there is nothing I can do, but be there. It is a painful realization that all the faith in the world can't change anyone else, it can only change yourself, so you seek to trust bigger and fear less. Sometimes in this life we face things to stretch us, we face things that soften us, sometimes we face things that provide a trust and testimony we cannot gain in any other way, a testimony that can change the world, but we have to submit and trust because life happens moving forward not looking back.

We are on a journey to see how far we will seek Christ. As a sister shared in my sacrament meeting today, Christ really lived, he ate with sinners, he got to know individuals, he made friends and as I learned today, He still wants to do all of those things, He wants to call us friends, He wants to walk a path with Him that refines us and prepares us to hear His word, not through prophets, not through intermediaries, but from Him. He wants to be a friend and guide, so that one day He will say to us, "well done my good and faithful servant, you have been faithful in a few things, now I'd like you to meet my Father and receive so many more." Really all our Father asks of us is to trust, do we trust Him above anyone else, do we trust where He leads? Worlds await, but trust is required.