A Work in You

I don't know about the rest of all ya'lls, but I find myself feeling like my week went by really fast, yet as I look back at it it feels like a life age of the earth has gone by and it was packed with lots of learning and shifting of perspectives.

I've been struggling a bit for probably a lot longer than I care to think about too much with focusing on the good, the positive and the light. I didn't purposeful set out to be negative, but it just sort of happened. Soon I was nitpicking about everything in my head and making snap judgments about people and about situations. As it continued darkness creeped into my life without me noticing it. I became someone I didn't like. It did come to the surface and out my mouth on occasion and the times when it did scared because I realized my insides weren't filled with as much light as they used to. Somehow the darkness in the world around me and sometimes in my home had snuck in unbeknownst to me and made themselves at home and though I realized they were there I had no idea what to do about getting rid of them. Yes I knew I needed to seek after the light, but after letting so much darkness feed off my light my vigor was feeling low and my drive to change was a desire, but not a whole lot else.

One night sitting in the door way of my closet trying to process through everything, feeling very beaten up and just exhausted I realized that at the heart of it all was that I didn't feel accepted, needed or valued, so instead of seeking to give acceptance, love and value to others I was taking it. This wasn't a conscious decision, it was simply a need unfulfilled that had gone awry. So I took it to my Heavenly Father I apologize for undervaluing His children, myself included and asked for help to see the good. I was so tired of being grumpy, sort sighted and frustrated I wanted to love.

And somehow to my slight surprise He did. He helped me switch my thinking, sure little not nice or negative things popped into my head occasionally, but now I know I don't want to entertain them, I don't want to give them space. I learned this past little while just how easy it is for negativity to creep in and start bedding down, for dark clouds to glide over the sun until the light is obscured. Satan wants nothing more for us to be grumpy, crabby individuals who only thing the worst of people and situations, you can't build a Zion of one heart and one mind if everyone is only looking at flaws. So he preys upon the negative and we reap the world wind.

On the flip side, the Savior is there when we ask for help. I have been pleasantly surprised the last few days that the positive has come to mind first, that I want to give the benefit of the doubt and I see more of myself in others, realizing we all are simply on a journey, some days are good, some not so good and we really just need more love. I also realized how important quiet time to yourself is. We all need time to slow down and recharge, without music, without the tv, without bright lights (I find Christmas lights to be particularly healing) and sometimes without other people, time to just take things to Heavenly Father and mull them over in our mind. When we give ourselves that time to find our core we can more easily see the things that snuck in that are negative and destructive and we don't want around. It gives us time to petition the Lord to change our nature, but first we need to know where we are and where we want to be.

After that prayer in my closet doorway I have had more light in my life than I have felt in a while, I felt lighter, like a lot of the things weighing on my mind weren't so heavy. Our Savior stands at the door, but He waits for us to open it. I'm so thankful for His infinite patience and in this case instant love. It can be painful to take time to take stock of where we are at, the path we are on and where it leads. It can be painful to acknowledge weakness and misdirection, but the peace I feel now means I can face the world, even when things aren't the way I imagined, I can move forward because my
God fights for me, He sends His angels before me, He sends His light to fill up dark spaces. We are not alone. Our Savor stands at the door, please open and let Him start a work in you.

Building Zion one heart at a time/ the Pioneer heart

Wow, to be human is to be vulnerable! On this blog I can be selectively vulnerable, I can write, erase, write some more and then edit to my heart's content. But often in life things come out of your mouth in a moment of ...something...and all of a sudden you find your heart rolling around on the floor in front of you for the world to see and there isn't anything you can do about it. You can't take it back and you can't soften it, it is what it is. Today was one of those days in Relief Society. As readers of this blog already know the things I won't go into all that I said, you already know it, but I have carefully worked to conceal it from my ward, well today I didn't go into deets, but I said enough to feel awkward.

But other than feeling awkward and vulnerable enough to sink into the floor I did it because I realized we all have things that make us feel awkward, that make us feel vulnerable, things that bring us doubt, cause us to question, to feel overwhelmed. I realized today we all have things that happen in our house that nobody else knows. Now having just typed that it sounds epically creepy and I don't mean it that way, I don't mean like a real skeleton in the closet, but we all have things that cause us to cringe or weep that we want to keep the outside world away from. This is just human nature, but Satan uses this and heightens it, he tells us we have to put our best foot forward all the time, we can only show the good, because people don't really want to know and their lives are perfect so we can't show our own.

Well people welcome your wake up call, we all have stuff, it is part of the human condition, we all have trials and adversity that cause us to question our faith, question our purpose, question our life choices. What causes those questions will be different for each of us, but we all have them. The early saints in Jesus' day had struggles, they faced a clash of tradition versus new doctrine and a world who didn't believe them. The pioneers of this dispensation faced mobs out for their blood and lives, they faced division as they adopted doctrine that had been missing for millenia. And as pioneers in our day we face a world full of gathering darkness, with division and people searching and preparing for the coming of our Savior. We are each pioneers because we do all have stuff, our own personal journey exceeds the journey of anyone else because our Heavenly Father has personally tailored things specifically for us, this means sometimes we do go into places where there isn't anyone to talk to except for heaven because no one else gets it, but that doesn't mean, we can't share we are having a struggle with someone.

We all have stuff, it is part of the eternal law of returns, we gain experience through well experience.  Part of our covenants is to bear one another's burdens, to serve the Savior by helping lift each other. To be a place where anyone at anytime can come to find relief. This means I have a lot of work to do, so that I can have listening ear like Christ so that I can love and support. Right now I'm working to see the Savior's face when I see those around me, for they are Christ, they have been purchased with a precious price and I want to help my Savior in helping them.

We often think that Zion will come one building at time, we will all be called to Zion and we will build it together as citizens of a city. Zion is built one heart at a time, as we learn to love we create in our heart and home a place where we see Christ's face and learn to love like He does. When we do this we prepare in ourselves a place where Christ can come and dwell. This goes two ways, we also need to be willing to share, and be willing to know that what comes back might not always be perfect, we are Saints in training and it takes time to gain all the Christlike attributes. But as I lift and I share and you lift and you share we all learn and grow together to be a little kinder and to learn how to share so we can all bear one another's burdens.

That makes all the difference in the world

So I'm sure you're thinking "Wow two blog posts in one week!" What can I say, it's just one of those kinds of weeks where there is so much in my mind that I just have to get it out, if it stays in I might just go crazy. And whereas Friday's was mostly practical application this is all faith and theology, this life requires the application of both and it requires being pushed to the breaking point because as I learned today we as humans, bound to habit, don't like changing until it is required and I can guarantee that who I am today isn't who I want to be in twenty years, just as I like the person I am today much more than who I was ten years ago. This life is meant and engineered to make us more than we were when we got here, that change will come in many different ways. Sometimes it comes through the application of the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ, His atoning sacrifice truly changes our nature and sometimes it comes simply by being in the presence of the Spirit and our edges are softly wiped away. Other times it comes through the pain of life, some changes only come through learning empathy and charity the hard way, because sometimes the refiner's fire is just that, a fire, a blaze that burns away impurities and gives third degree burns.

Today was one of those blazing days and one of those soft refining days. It amazes me how days can be both, perhaps learning to see with heavenly eyes is accepting that days can be full of good, bad, painful, and peaceful and it is just a part of life.

As I'm sure you are all aware life can be very full of curve balls and can be very painful when those curveballs seem to have an endless shelf life, just when you think that you've gotten past them or that the sun is on its way up you get slammed with another wave and you get sent under the water (I apologize for mixing like four different metaphors), that's been life for the past few weeks. It used to be that bouts of darkness only lasted a couple days, maybe a week and then light would break through and I would have time to stabilize, bask in the light, re-energize and be ready for the next set. That hasn't been the case this time, I might get a moment to breath or two, but they were few and far between. I found myself gasping for light, hope and some place where I could feel safe and relax and feel like my world wasn't crumbling away from me. This morning was just such a morning where I felt like my world was crumbling and I was going to go crumbling right along with it. All I saw was a dark corridor stretching before me, no light, no change, just dark doorway after dark doorway and some fiery darts of the adversary mixed in. And that's when the doubt started, I wondered if I really was ready for this, if I was capable to keep doing this day after day, I worried, I fretted, I freaked out and I was scared. I began wondering if the Lord had really placed me here and if He had where was He, where was the sunshine breaking through the clouds, where were the tender mercies to help me through, where was the hope I so desperately needed. And in my doubt and fear, pain and tears (in the middle of sacrament meeting I might add...awkward) a little voice inside my heart asked a question "do you trust your Heavenly Father?"......

And I realized that my whole life comes down to that very straightforward question, when it isn't just about coming home from a mission early, when it isn't just about delaying a masters, when it isn't just about getting a job, when it is about my eternal salvation, when it is about gut wrenching fear, when it is about the person I love and facing darkness everyday, when it is those things on the line, do I still trust? Trust isn't rooted in answers of prayers, it isn't rooted in getting what we want, it isn't rooted in immediate light or deliverance...

Trust is rooted in knowing that our Loving Father in Heaven is in control, that nothing comes into our lives except by His divine design, it is rooted in that if He gave a direction He has a purpose.It is rooted in the knowledge that all things are for our gain. Once we realize we do trust our Father in Heaven a peace can come into our lives that can come in no other way. No circumstances don't miraculously change, life still brings refining with grace and with blazes, but in trusting we take away one of Satan's favorite tools of doubt. It is when we doubt our circumstances and then doubt God's perfect love that the darkness overwhelms us, because then the light rope we are holding unto disappears. I think we often overlook that our entire existence is based on the knowledge that our Heavenly Father loves us, so that is what Satan attacks, that is what he goes after, because if we lose hold on that, then he can get us to lose hold of covenants, righteousness and purpose.

So if moments come to you in your life, if you are in one of those moments right now, where you feel your hold on that rope is loosening and your hope and purpose are crumbling hold onto the idea that there is purpose, there is a reason. Our Father isn't a wizard behind a curtain just messing around and experimenting to see what will happen, He is a divine being who loves us with His whole heart, any direction He gives has a purpose, a reason and will bring brightness and light into our lives. This doesn't necessarily make life easier, but it does bring peace and that makes all the difference in the world.

A supporters supporters field guide/balancing sanity with expectations

This is not a cry for help, a plea for attention or action pointed my way, this is simply, hopefully some illumination on how to assist those who support someone with depression.
  Depression is on the rise across the world and we all know someone affected by depression or mental illness of some kind. Men's hearts failing them are a sign of the Second coming and it will only get worse. Depression is painful, heart wrenching, frustrating, and teaches you a whole lot about compassion,  unconditional love and endurance. Full of highs and lows you can't comprehend. Yet even those who love so deeply still get worn down, they have their own days when things just feel too much, they need someone in their corner as they are in someone else's corner.
   Here are some things to keep in mind as that someone in a supporters corner.

First off let them be sad and tired for a bit. If they are coming to you then  they have already tried pep talking themselves out of exhaustion and sadness, they have already tried to keep their chin up and they have already been exerting all the faith they have to trust their heavenly father in this path they are walking. If they are coming to you it is because they need reassurance that they are strong, they are loving they are kind, they are just tried at the moment. When the woman was taken in adultery in the new testament Christ didn't tell her to go and sin no more first thing, no first he asked her where her accusers were and gave her the very comforting statement that he didn't  accuse her. He spoke to her in her need, then once she was renewed then he gave her counsel for the future.

Second, telling a supporter of someone with depression that they just need to tell the one they love to "just snap out of it" or "just work harder" won't help the depressed person feel any better and will only make the supporter sadder. How many times has that supporter said those same things in their head when they just wish the dishwasher was loaded or floor vacuumed after coming home from a long day at work,  but in seeing the face they love all those thoughts crumpled because they saw defeat written in their loved ones eyes and they are just so grateful that the person they love is still with them. They work to remember that showing love is more important than a checklist and sometimes they need a reminder of just how good it is just feel that love, because often that supporter works so hard to give love to their person that can't love themselves that the person suffering with depression doesn't have room in their head to express their love for the person in their corner. Please show your love to that supporter with hugs and a listening ear, the game plan can come later.

Third, when that supporter comes to you for support don't go to the person struggling with depression and ask them what is wrong. The supporter is coming to you to tattle or even to express anger, they are coming because they just need to get the overwhelming, exhausting thoughts out of their head. Usually they just need to know that what they are feeling isn't evil, it isn't mean, it's just human. Asking the Spirit to know what to say to comfort is an amazing way for that person who is feeling very isolated to feel the love of their Savior and Heavenly Father.

Fourth, as supporters we don't have the answers, we might have some insights as to where our person is at mentally, but we don't always know the triggers and often how no idea when things will get better, often we wonder if things will get better.  There are good days and there are bad days and we don't always have those answers in advance. If you ask us to do things we might not know if we'll feel up to it or if our person will feel up to it, often we don't know until the moment has arrived. If for some reason we come alone just say you're glad to see us, ask if we're doing okay, then move on. If we bring it up, then ask questions, if we don't it's because we feel overwhelmed and have no idea what to say.

We know that at the heart of this conversation is love, you want what's best for us and what is best for our person, we want what is best for us, for our person and for you. Sometimes this means talking, sometimes this means keeping things close to our chest, it isn't because we don't love you, it's just because some battles are fought in dark corners and that's how we grow. Thank you for loving us, thank you for being there for us. Remember that each person's journey is unique for them, Heavenly Father has an individual journey for each one of us, it will look different than other people. We would like happy endings and days away, sometimes we feel like that isn't an option, that doesn't mean we're picked on, it just means we're balancing sanity with expectations.

With that being said, these really are my own thoughts on the matter, as I've said, each journey is unique and different, so what works for me, might not for someone else, when in doubt ask...then just roll with what you discover.

....for One Plateful of Food

I wish I knew how to share what is in my heart, I have this idea that is really very old and run of the mill, but somehow this week it hit me in a whole new way. We all know we should be grateful, in many a sacrament meeting we've had the lesson that gratitude leads to happiness, and being honest, that lesson goes two directions, either I totally support that idea because I'm feeling very blessed at the moment and I'm more than happy to count my blessings or I'm grumpy because I'm feeling very un-blessed and don't see anything to count.

As is often the case when we feel blessed it is easy to count our blessings, but when things aren't going as smoothly the adversary seems to expand our hardship until we can't see anything else, our view and perspective is so overwhelmed with all that seems wrong or unfair that we miss the tender mercies that make the darkness almost bearable. And I say that sentence very thoughtfully, because sometimes even recognizing the tender mercies doesn't take us away from the cliff we feel we're on, we still feel overwhelmed, we still feel as if the prayers we pray the most still go unanswered and we still feel un-met in our need. We don't feel unloved, those tender mercies show that we are loved and we are grateful for that love, it just doesn't feel enough to meet us in our extremity. The darkness feels like it is closing in, the fear of the unknown overwhelms all hope for the future and the forces of darkness pounce as your faith, valiantly striving to press forward, stumbles for a moment.

The battle for the souls of man is so very real, the forces of darkness are arrayed against us, they seek to crumble faith, stamp out hope and overwhelm us away from the very things that give us the backbone to stand. They fight with weapons of doubt, fear, worry, hopelessness, feelings of unworthiness and lack of worth, guilt, frustration, hatred and sadness. They don't play honorably, if they see weakness they will capitalize on it. Yet however big the darkness may be there is even greater light available to God's children, He has arrayed His forces of light, hope, joy, and very real warrior angels to defend us. Just as when we have a desire to believe that desire can work in us to create hope and faith, even if we just have a desire to leave the darkness behind, to force that darkness away, our loving Father in Heaven will send His angels to surround us, protect us and send that darkness packing. You call those powers of heaven down into your hope and you (with the power of Christ) send the adversary and his darkness packing. Stand forth as a son or daughter of the Most High, even the Supreme Ruler of the Universe and you call on that divine power and you send that darkness away, because once that darkness leaves you can then see God's plan, purposes, power and gifts and then you can see the tender mercies for what they are.

After three days of darkness and very real battles for light in my home, not knowing what each new day would bring (and often bringing feelings of sadness and isolation) I looked upon a full plate of food at a family reunion and realized that it didn't matter what I didn't have, it mattered that I had a yard full of people supporting, encouraging and loving me, sending platefuls of food home with me so I won't have to cook for a few days (which really saves on groceries and is a beautiful gift in this heat). When we call on the powers of heaven for assistance we have a moment to take a breath and see what we do have. We have time to see the tender mercies for what they are, moments when we know God does love us and He still is arranging our good.

Once years ago I was promised faith to move mountains and to split seas and I always wondered what faith like that would be, what would it be like to move the elements? Then I realized, moving elements might be really cool, but it wasn't the point. You move mountains and split seas because the Lords tells you to, you do it because you have faith in Him and trust He'll help you do what He asked. The exact same faith applies in everyday life, it comes in heeding the Spirit, in not praying for that healing your heart craves and instead pray for hope and faith that things will one day be okay (because that is what the Lord needs for you now, for now), it comes in finding a bright spot even if it is just one bright spot, one brief flash of light in a sea of darkness, it comes in waking up every morning and trying even when the forces of hell feel stacked against you, it comes in uttering a prayer when the millions of minions of Satan whisper God won't hear you and He won't answer your prayer, it comes when the Spirit whispers you do have the faith to be healed, but it isn't time to pray that prayer yet because the Lord will answer it, but you have more growth to come first. It comes when in your tears you thank Father for letting you breath another day, it comes when you thank Heavenly Father for a plate full of food, even not knowing where the money for your next trip to the grocery store will come.

Faith to move mountains and split seas is the faith we use everyday and though it may look mundane today, it really will move mountains in a coming day and we will realize that the Lord has been preparing a people to do His amazing work, to fight off armies and build a city fit for Him to live in, even if today it is just saying thank you for one plateful of food.

Centuries in advance

First off I wanted to say thank you to all of you readers out there, the blog hit 10,030 views this last week , having always hoped this blog could help someone as well as myself in the writing of it, I'm glad that it is getting out there.

Tonight I'd like to share the words of Elder Holland and his testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Prophet Joseph Smith. My cousin serving in the Tampa Bay, Florida mission shared these words with us this week.

"For 179 years this book has been examined and attacked, denied and deconstructed, targeted and torn apart like perhaps no other book in modern religious history—perhaps like no other book in any religious history. And still it stands. Failed theories about its origins have been born and parroted and have died—from Ethan Smith to Solomon Spaulding to deranged paranoid to cunning genius. None of these frankly pathetic answers for this book has ever withstood examination because there is no other answer than the one Joseph gave as its young unlearned translator. In this I stand with my own great-grandfather, who said simply enough, “No wicked man could write such a book as this; and no good man would write it, unless it were true and he were commanded of God to do so.” 

"As one of a thousand elements of my own testimony of the divinity of the Book of Mormon, I submit this as yet one more evidence of its truthfulness. In this their greatest—and last—hour of need, I ask you: would these men blaspheme before God by continuing to fix their lives, their honor, and their own search for eternal salvation on a book (and by implication a church and a ministry) they had fictitiously created out of whole cloth?

Never mind that their wives are about to be widows and their children fatherless. Never mind that their little band of followers will yet be “houseless, friendless and homeless” and that their children will leave footprints of blood across frozen rivers and an untamed prairie floor. Never mind that legions will die and other legions live declaring in the four quarters of this earth that they know the Book of Mormon and the Church which espouses it to be true. Disregard all of that, and tell me whether in this hour of death these two men would enter the presence of their Eternal Judge quoting from and finding solace in a book which, if not the very word of God, would brand them as imposters and charlatans until the end of time? They would not do that! They were willing to die rather than deny the divine origin and the eternal truthfulness of the Book of Mormon." - (Elder Holland, Safety for the Soul, October 2009).  


Reading these words it was brought to me that all the good and great blessings I have in my life came because Joseph stuck to his word, he covenanted with the Lord that he would restore His gospel to the earth, he promised the Lord that he would bear his witness of the divinity of this work to the world without hesitation or apology. The blessings of the priesthood, the power of the temple, access to the word of the Lord and power of the spirit in our lives comes because Joseph Smith walked into a grove of trees to ask the Lord if he, Joseph, was okay. The answer to that question, the power behind the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ is that Heavenly Father meets us in our extremity, He answers our prayers and when we go to Him with the question "are we okay?" He will answer us and He can and will help us be okay. Because Joseph asked his question and told the world we know that the Lord will answer our questions and we can be okay.

Our very nation was prepared by the hand of God so that this truth could once more be told to God's children. Heavenly Father cares for us so much He wants the world to know that He will answer our prayers, He wants all of us to be okay, He wants all of us to be worthy, He wants to speak peace to our hearts. We are imperfect beings facing overwhelming trials and He knows we worry and He knows we fall short. All He cares it that we turn to our Savior, that we keep turning to the Savior so that with the Savior we can and will be okay.

I'm thankful for a Father in Heaven who prepared a way centuries in advance so that I and each of us can know we can and will be okay.