Sometimes It is Bootstraps

Sometimes in life we run into situations where we thought everything was wonderful and peachy, then find out that it isn't. Sometimes this can happen at work, in our social life, in our church calling or even our family. We do our best, then someone else comes in and seems to do all the same things better and it seems our efforts come up lacking. We can find ourselves becoming incredibly defensive about what should be ours and defending our capability. This has been happening to me recently and it became a scenario that the adversary delighted in stirring up trouble in. Instead of seeing myself as part of a team, I felt like I had to defend myself and my turf at all costs. This led me to compartmentalize like nobody's business and to start viewing those around me as enemies instead of people I could work with to improve the situation. This went on for a week as I felt more and more like everybody was out to get me and that they must have malicious motives. Then one day as I left an encounter feeling very frustrated, put upon and suspicious the Spirit whispered to me "How easy it is to vilify others, to think the worst of them and the best of our own motives and intentions, you think you are the only one stressed out in this situation, you think that they are out to get you, what if they feel like their job and position are on the line and that they have to defend themselves."

This was a turning point for me because I realized that I had been so busy trying to defend myself and protect myself that I had forgotten that other people were involved and they were most likely frustrated, scared and confused too. They had been doing these duties much longer than I and I'm sure they felt like I was invading their work and best efforts. This epiphany helped me see with clearer eyes that most often people don't have malicious motives, they are just dealing with their own demons of fear, frustration and confusion. I'm not saying that I was miraculously fine with the situation, I still have a lot of meekness learning to go, but I'm not going to let the adversary control my fear and turn it to anger so easily next time.

This leads me to the next realization I've been coming to this week, that though we have a myriad of emotions at any given moment we are not penalized for having the emotion, it is what we do with that emotion that counts. The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a whole slew of emotions, ( some because of a older lady who asked me point blank why I don't have kids, she asked "don't you want them" if only she knew how much my heart ached, I learned afresh in that moment why being nosy is so hurtful, we have no idea what someone else is going through when we ask what we think is a simply answered question), others for reasons I couldn't even pin point. This morning I just felt so overwhelmed, so frightened, so trapped, so confused, a little angry and for a moment hopeless in the face of pointless. I didn't know how to resolve them and I was so tempted to let them bowl me over. But I realized that just because I didn't know where they came from didn't mean I couldn't get through them. I prayed for peace and I tried my best to stay engaged with the world around me. Even now I feel them lingering in the edges. Now don't get me wrong sometimes a good cry is really what is needed. It clears things out and helps us gain new perspective. But sometimes it is good to exercise our self control and not let them take center stage. Self-pity is never a good thing to invite into center stage, soon we lose our perspective and feel that we are worse off then Job, trust me Job did have it really bad, but the blessing he received for eternity were much greater. That is what we must focus on, eternity. Sometimes we get caught in a trap of comparing ourselves to others in order to get perspective, that usually leaves us prideful or feeling wanting. If instead we do as Lori Wick suggests in one of her books, we look to our lives to where we desire to be in eternity we find ourselves co-partners with God instead of feeling alienated.

I know that there is a time and season for everything in this life, sometimes is the time to cry others is the time for boot-straps and moving forward. But ultimately it is about accepting Christ's invitation for us to come to Him. Usually Sundays are a day for me to rejuvenate and find vigor for the week through wondrous communion with the Spirit, that was not the case today, today was learning that even without epiphanies, trusting Christ and leaning on Him I can keep moving forward. This life has moments to show us that we are stronger than we realize and we can weather the storm, even if it is happening inside us for reasons unknown.

Loving in the Savior's Way

I really should keep this short tonight; one, because there's a headache doing it's best to invade my space and two, because I am trying to follow up on my obedience leaf, last night my dear husband reminded me it was time for bed before midnight (and I actually went to bed) and I'd like to follow that up with another good night.

I think the thing the Lord has been trying to teach me this last week mercy goes a long way, that people matter. Sometimes I think my gospel living should look a specific way, I tend to hold myself to a higher standard than I think the Lord does. Not in a Pharisee sort of way (I hope), but I think that mind set can creep in really quickly. The Pharisees were a group that were known for their exactness in obeying the Law, not only the Mosaic law, but also the rabinic laws that had grown to hedge up the laws through the decades since the prophets. Interestingly these days we don't recognize the Pharisees so much for their exacting obedience as much as for their hypocrisy. Because they put the law above all else they missed the purpose of the law, which was to bring the children of Israel closer to their Savior, so that when their Messiah came to them they missed it. Many of them recognized that He bore more than mortal power, but because they valued their law and the power they had accrued through oppressing the people they probably very literally made a deal with the devil to kill the Savior of mankind.

Now I'm not saying that being obedient to the commandments will one day lead us to such a horrendous act, but I do think that in the name of obedience we forget people, we forget that Christ was called a Sabbath breaker because he chose compassion over what looked right to the people around Him. Now my point is not for us to be disobedient to the rules and commandments, the Lord gave them to us for a reason, I'm encouraging us to be obedient to the commandments so that we can keep the first two greatest commandments, to love the Lord our God and to love our neighbor as ourselves. This then invites the Spirit so we can live these two commandments even better and bless the lives of others. As the Savior did we need to put aside "what others might think" and instead focus on following the Spirit to bless the lives of others. I struggle to put aside what I view as being obedient and what I think looks right, but I find that when I do I am often on the Lord's errand, helping others one on one and doing what will ultimately help me learn and grow and find peace, which often I overlook. Heavenly Father wants what is best for all of us, His plans are for all of us to find peace and purpose, not to become overly wrung out and burnt out. With Christ we can serve others, discover purpose and become more than we are. Without Him usually I just feel tired and overwhelmed.

I am thankful for a Savior who is infinitely patient in drawing me nearer to Him to do work His way, in His time.

Real Perfection

I have a problem, that problem usually shows itself when I hear people whispering around me, I tend to start listening in for fear that I will hear my name come up and hear that someone is displeased with my work. Now the problem I am referring to is not eaves-dropping (however I am aware that I have a problem with that too), no my problem is wanting the appearance of perfection more than truly becoming perfect. Yesterday I was helping in a session at the temple and did something wrong, I recognized my error, but it was too late to do anything about it and so I just had to move forward. About five minutes after this mistake I saw participants in the back whispering to each other and my brain automatically assumed that they were whispering about me and that after the session I would receive correction and I cringed on the inside, I don't like situations where people have to correct me or tell me that my actions/behavior is incorrect. Now I realize very few people enjoy criticism or seek correction and I am no different. Yet as I saw the workers in the back whispering to each other the Spirit asked me a very important question, he asked "do you want to actually become perfect or do you just want to look perfect?" I realized that though my goal is to truly become perfected one day, my actions each day don't show that. When others see me I hope they see someone who is put together, has things figured out and can answer questions.

But if I am truly to become something I need to be willing to accept that I have weaknesses and be willing to have others see them so that they can help me to become better. It is a hard thing to swallow our pride and to receive direction, and then to receive that direction to actually change our behavior. For example, I've been having a hard time going to bed at night, probably since I got married. It started with having homework and staying up late to finish papers, but it is long since graduation and I still nine times out of ten fall asleep on the couch instead of heading to bed when I get tired. Most nights Christopher encourages me to go to bed before I hit that magical hour of bedding down for the night on the couch, yet knowing how tired I am and how long my nightly routine is I usually disregard what he says, thinking that I'll just have a brief nap before getting ready. Mind you that brief nap usually ends up being three hours long and midnight rapidly approaches. Now the point of this story has much less to do with sleep (though it is important) and much more to do with receiving direction and dis-regarding it because it isn't part of my current plan. If I say that I want to change, then I need to be willing to accept suggestions even if in my mind it isn't convenient.

The other side to this discussion about change is rooted in submission. We live in a world that tells us that we should be in control, that we are the authors of our success and that we can do whatever we want. Yet the Lord teaches us differently. By His very example He showed us complete submission to the will of His Father and shows us that true power comes when we allow ourselves to become something more than we can be on our own, by taking the criticism and changing. I am far from having perfected this, in fact I'm afraid that I struggle with wanting my own way and appearing perfect though I am far from it. It is so easy to take offense or become defensive, wanting to place the blame on others or at least focus on how they contribute to the situation. But we don't have control on what others do, we only have control over how we respond.

 So today I want to be the day that I commit to accept reproof when it comes and commit to change. To put my headstrong attitude that I know what is best aside and instead accept change when change is needed. I don't want to come to my own personal interview with my Savior and have that be the time when I realize just how many times He allowed moments to come that were meant to sand down my rough edges, but instead I chose to keep my rough edges because I thought I knew best. Where we get to in this life is largely dependent on how often we allow Christ to pilot our vessel. When we allow the righteous desires of others to encourage change we are letting Christ pilot the vessel of our lives, to sand off the rough edges and to become something glorious.

What do we want in this life? Do we want to appear perfect or do we desire real perfection? That of changing and growing to become something the Lord can use in His work.

Expanding our Possible

I am so very far from perfect, I realize this goes without saying, yet with this understanding also comes amazement that Heavenly Father still blesses me as He does. He is so kind and generous to us His children. Tonight as I looked at the many commandments I am falling short on, on the charity I don't extend to my fellow men and the promptings that I've missed I realized that though I wish I could say that I am trying hard to be obedient and to be good that I'm not doing my best. I am inconsistent, I am confusing in my wibbly-wobbliness. I am a fallen individual with sin and tarnish, I don't always live according to the things I've been taught or understanding that the Lord sends my way. Often I waste my time and often I stay up too late and eat wait more sugar than I should. I suppose these things could be considered little things in the big scheme of things, I mean I'm not doing the "big stuff", but the point of sin is there is no big stuff sin and little stuff sin, all sin, all falling short, all missing the mark is just the missing the mark. When perfection is our goal it doesn't matter whether we are an inch away or ten feet away, we still missed.

 I have been feeling this very keenly lately, not because I have felt condemned, but because I haven't. Because my Heavenly Father and the Savior are still blessing me. Because they give me beautiful days with out pourings of the Spirit, with moments of clarity that clear away the cobwebs of confusion and doubt, because they send light, love and learning even in the act of my falling short. Our God is a great God. Because of the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we are saved even in our falling short, because this life isn't about perfecting our actions, but about perfecting our desire, eternity can bring our actions into line, but without purity of desire and intent, the actions will never come into line.


I'm  thankful for a Savior who saves me in my failings and even as I fall short invites me to ask of Him the impossible. We have a great God, a being who holds the universe in His hands and desires to bless us with the things of that universe, but He won't take away our agency or push in where un-invited. Instead He hopes that we won't limit Him because we don't think we are good enough to receive of His goodness. I hope this year we will remember that with God all things are possible and that He hopes we will expand our possible. We have a great God who delights to bless us, let us not limit Him by only asking for a thimbleful when He wants to give us a swimming pool full. Allow Him the honor of asking in faith for the impossible and improbable. It truly is a faith extending thing when you know He can answer prayers and when you know that not only can He but will He as well.