Sometimes It is Bootstraps

Sometimes in life we run into situations where we thought everything was wonderful and peachy, then find out that it isn't. Sometimes this can happen at work, in our social life, in our church calling or even our family. We do our best, then someone else comes in and seems to do all the same things better and it seems our efforts come up lacking. We can find ourselves becoming incredibly defensive about what should be ours and defending our capability. This has been happening to me recently and it became a scenario that the adversary delighted in stirring up trouble in. Instead of seeing myself as part of a team, I felt like I had to defend myself and my turf at all costs. This led me to compartmentalize like nobody's business and to start viewing those around me as enemies instead of people I could work with to improve the situation. This went on for a week as I felt more and more like everybody was out to get me and that they must have malicious motives. Then one day as I left an encounter feeling very frustrated, put upon and suspicious the Spirit whispered to me "How easy it is to vilify others, to think the worst of them and the best of our own motives and intentions, you think you are the only one stressed out in this situation, you think that they are out to get you, what if they feel like their job and position are on the line and that they have to defend themselves."

This was a turning point for me because I realized that I had been so busy trying to defend myself and protect myself that I had forgotten that other people were involved and they were most likely frustrated, scared and confused too. They had been doing these duties much longer than I and I'm sure they felt like I was invading their work and best efforts. This epiphany helped me see with clearer eyes that most often people don't have malicious motives, they are just dealing with their own demons of fear, frustration and confusion. I'm not saying that I was miraculously fine with the situation, I still have a lot of meekness learning to go, but I'm not going to let the adversary control my fear and turn it to anger so easily next time.

This leads me to the next realization I've been coming to this week, that though we have a myriad of emotions at any given moment we are not penalized for having the emotion, it is what we do with that emotion that counts. The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a whole slew of emotions, ( some because of a older lady who asked me point blank why I don't have kids, she asked "don't you want them" if only she knew how much my heart ached, I learned afresh in that moment why being nosy is so hurtful, we have no idea what someone else is going through when we ask what we think is a simply answered question), others for reasons I couldn't even pin point. This morning I just felt so overwhelmed, so frightened, so trapped, so confused, a little angry and for a moment hopeless in the face of pointless. I didn't know how to resolve them and I was so tempted to let them bowl me over. But I realized that just because I didn't know where they came from didn't mean I couldn't get through them. I prayed for peace and I tried my best to stay engaged with the world around me. Even now I feel them lingering in the edges. Now don't get me wrong sometimes a good cry is really what is needed. It clears things out and helps us gain new perspective. But sometimes it is good to exercise our self control and not let them take center stage. Self-pity is never a good thing to invite into center stage, soon we lose our perspective and feel that we are worse off then Job, trust me Job did have it really bad, but the blessing he received for eternity were much greater. That is what we must focus on, eternity. Sometimes we get caught in a trap of comparing ourselves to others in order to get perspective, that usually leaves us prideful or feeling wanting. If instead we do as Lori Wick suggests in one of her books, we look to our lives to where we desire to be in eternity we find ourselves co-partners with God instead of feeling alienated.

I know that there is a time and season for everything in this life, sometimes is the time to cry others is the time for boot-straps and moving forward. But ultimately it is about accepting Christ's invitation for us to come to Him. Usually Sundays are a day for me to rejuvenate and find vigor for the week through wondrous communion with the Spirit, that was not the case today, today was learning that even without epiphanies, trusting Christ and leaning on Him I can keep moving forward. This life has moments to show us that we are stronger than we realize and we can weather the storm, even if it is happening inside us for reasons unknown.