What He Knows I need to be

Last night in the general women's meeting Sis Linda K Burton talked about certain woman in the scriptures and how we can become certain women. She shared the story of one woman of the Restoration whose husband was paralyzed in a battle and then her son was called to join the Mormon Battalion...and she struggled to let him go. She battled it out in prayer with the Lord and asked why so much was asked of her. The Lord's answer to her struck me to my core he said "Do you not want the highest glory? ... How do you think to gain it save by making the greatest sacrifices?" She had already received assurance from the Spirit as she found herself without food and heard a voice say "hold on the Lord will provide".

I would guess that many of us have faced similar moments in our lives, perhaps not a starving family or sending a child off to war after sacrificing a father, ours may come in a wayward child who has wandered from the church, ours might come in saying goodbye to a pregnancy we were just beginning to cherish, ours might come in not knowing where the money will come to pay our bills, ours might come in watching a spouse struggle with their faith or ours might come in watching someone we love continue to battle when their desire for life has waned or ours might come in the quiet watches of the night when our hearts are breaking and we have no idea how to carry on.

I used to think that suffering only came to some, but the longer I live life the more I realize that suffering comes to all mankind, we may face it differently, we will each face suffering unique to our circumstance and heart, yet we all feel pain, we will all face times when we feel forsaken, these just come with life.

How do you think you gain the highest glory? It comes from the greatest sacrifices. Those sacrifices won't look like anyone else's. As the sisters learned last night we are called to put off the world, we are called to embrace holiness, to invite the Spirit as a constant companion so that we can then be introduced into the presence of the Lord. As Joseph Smith said, "A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary [to lead] unto life and salvation." (Lectures on Faith, p. 58.) Perhaps our sacrifice means praying to love a neighbor or co-worker, maybe our sacrifice will be giving up a tv show that distracts us from our purpose, perhaps our sacrifice is paying a more generous fast offering, maybe our sacrifice is putting our tablet or phone down and focusing on the world around us, maybe our sacrifice is letting fear go and trusting faith or maybe our sacrifice is giving up our need for control and leaning not unto our own understanding.

I testify and know that what ever sacrifice we offer the Lord will be returned to us in blessings and sanctification tenfold. Heavenly Father understands our mortality, He understands our fears in the night, our walks in the darkness having no idea what will come. Through the last five years in my life I used to beg for the calm, I used to wish for the times when things would calm down and I could just enjoy life for a time. But now, at least for tonight, I don't mind the pain in the night, the uncertainty, the tears and the fears, because those are the moments I know God is there, those are the moments when I know I am in the presence of angels, those are the moments I know I am being sanctified, my spirit is being stretched and the weaknesses in my nature are being knocked off or purified. I tried praying for a mountain to climb once, I ended up with a debilitating illness and leaving the country I was growing to love. I don't know if I'm that brave, but I do know I don't want to dread those growing moments Heavenly Father has in store either, because I'm finding it is in the pain that I lean on Him, it is in the fear I cry into the night for His nearness, it is in the uncertainty I request His angels. I hope one day I will rely on Him in the sunshine as well as the night, but for now as I become something greater than I am now I trust Him to make me what He knows I need to be.

Coming to Ourselves

It can be a painful thing to see yourself as you truly are. And I mean this in the earthly eyes sense, if we saw us as Heavenly Father sees us we'd be in a hurry to become who He knows we can be and would be all sorts of excited and perhaps a bit discouraged all at once. No I mean this as seeing who we are in all our mortalness as King Benjamin talked about seeing ourselves as the dust of the earth, as we would be without Christ.

Now I admit, in my humany pride, and perhaps even my spiritual eyes, I could never quite place myself in King Benjamin's sermon, I didn't think I was the dust of the earth, I've never seen myself as nothing without Christ. I have my own moments of low self-esteem, and moments where I doubt myself, but I always figured I had something to offer and that I was doing okay, by no means perfect, but I was making progress and only needed Christ for the big things, which I wasn't doing, and painful things that sometimes arise.

And then this week happened.........

As I stared myself in the face (metaphorically, I didn't dare do this literally) I realized that I'm human just like everyone else, that I make good choices and seek the Spirit when life is going well or at least when the curve balls that comes are ones I can adapt to and I see reason to, but that when things don't go the way I wanted or expected that I can take myself away from a loving Father in Heaven. That there will be times when I don't feel the Spirit and I take myself away from the love of my Savior, because I can't see why something is happening the way it is. To realize that when the going gets tough I didn't get going, I sat and felt forsaken and questioned because what I didn't even know I wanted so badly just one month before is now the thing I wanted most of all, at the cost of not giving my spouse the time he needed and being selfish and not caring for the needs of others and being so caught up in my own world.

It is so easy to end up in the mists of darkness without even realizing we let go of the rod and left the path. It is so easy to become frustrated with our divine creator, because we don't see His purpose we can begin to think that He doesn't have one and that we are simply forgotten and unimportant. It is easy to forget who we are because the world seems to offer more current delights.

Just a few months ago I was on a spiritual high, I was learning so much about the Gospel, God's divine plan, and felt like every time I turned around some new, awesome thought was popping into my head. I was so excited in all that I was learning so I kept seeking more. Than I got my job working with kids and I entered survival mode. I was praying constantly, but usually for strength, then I got my other newer job back at the library and I was so relieved to be in a calmer place that I forgot to pray for anything other than gratitude. Gratitude is so important, it is the gateway for many other virtues, it must be our foundation for all other virtues, not all we ever do. I forgot that before February started I had been on a path of learning and excitement and I've since been reminded I can't afford to coast. I can't be content with mediocre prayer, only my scripture reading in the morning and only seeking the Lord to put out fires or times of emotional distress. If I really want to follow Him, if I truly want to be all I can be, then I must first remember, without Him, I'm really not much, and with Him I can do anything.

We all need moments of coming to ourselves, of realizing that where we might be headed isn't what we really want, that being angry or frustrated only makes us feel miserable and that God is a loving Father who seeks for our best, even if that best feels painful in the moment. It was painful to see myself in all my flawed "glory", but once I did I could seek the face of my Savior and Father once more and realize I wanted to try again, I want to heed the Spirit no matter what it says, I want to find myself in gratitude for what I do have and stop regretting past decisions that I can't change or opportunities Satan tells me I missed, when really those "opportunities" weren't ever in the picture, they were just a side road, when Christ had the straight path all along. Life is a hectic place and there are many paths to walk and perhaps even getting lost in. I'm grateful for temple mornings and Sabbath rests to remind me I can come to myself and Christ is waiting just down the road.

Finding Joy in our Purpose

Last week we talked about times of trial and questioning leading to better communion with our Father and a desire to be nearer heaven. This week I learned that it is so important to take care of your body in both good times and bad. Sometimes in our seeking heaven we forget that a healthy body that is being well taken care of is a much better instrument for good, truth and righteousness than a body that is tired from rushing rushing rushing.

I'm afraid that often sleep is the first thing to go...or maybe that's just me. I get my list of things that need to happen, things I want to happen, things that other people need me to do and just fun things that I am so excited about and then before you know it its eleven o'clock at night, you still have a journal to write in, a shower to take and some prayer that would be good and its even later than it should be and morning comes early. Now some people can get by on less sleep, but I realize my judgment starts going to pot at six hours of sleep, I forget to take important pills, I rush through important routines and before I know it another day is done and I haven't accomplished most of the things I wanted to do.

I think we often believe that sleep is just a temporal, mortal suggestions, but to the Lord there is no temporal commandment, just look at the Word of Wisdom. Often in looking at that law we focus on not drinking coffee or smoking tobacco, sometimes we even notice the part about eating the grains of the earth and using meat sparingly, but we skip over two big ones, or at least two big ones to my way of thinking. First that this law was given to protect us from the evil designs of man and second that we need to get more sleep.

When we put lots of over processed foods into our lives we can become addicted to fake foods with lots of fillers than can change our DNA and re-write the chemistry of our brains. We fill our bodies with chemicals and substances they were never meant to have and just have a general feeling of blase. When we add in fresh foods and learn what foods help our bodies feel the best they can we set ourselves up to better feel the spirit and have the energy to do what it says. Along with this is good sleep...if we always have a fuzzy brain from lack of sleep it makes it harder to process what we learn, hear the spirit and apply what we are learning. It's taken me an hour to write this blog, because I couldn't even get my brain in gear because it's so tired....mind you it's now late so I still have a long way to go to take my own advice. I realize that life is hectic, crazy, busy and there are many demands on our time. But if we don't make our health and well-being a priority, no one else will for us.

But I do know the better we care for these amazing bodies that Heavenly Father has given us and Christ has paid for with a price, the better we can do their work and find joy in our purpose.

It will be beautiful

Tonight I was going to write a post about the War chapters in the Book of Mormon. I've been working to read where I can learn things instead of just reading the narrative and in my reading I ended up in the war chapters, reading about Moroni trying to help his generals direct his troops and feeling completely unsupported by the government. As I read of them getting into battle after battle I pondered afresh why the war chapters are in the Book of Mormon and I realized perhaps it is because life is just like that.

Now I have often accused myself of being negative, of putting my -in the painful moment- blinders on and focused my view of life on just trying to get through. I can be a very in the moment kind of a person, when life is good my testimony is focused on how amazing Heavenly Father is, how He delights to bless us and to see us find our place in the universe. When life is feeling less good I tend to focus on learning and growth through adversity and the fact that Christ performed the Atonement to meet us where we are. To be honest I've been focused much more on the meeting us where we are part lately.

Now getting back to the "life is just like that" part, now I do realize that there is much good in the world, I realize there is a lot of light, that sometimes putts do drop, that meat is soft and there are shining vistas along the way (P.S I love seeing the quote corresponding with what I just said from President Hinckley, fun side note he didn't actually come up with the quote, he just quoted it from a newspaper editorial, and there is a place for the knowledge of simply thanking the Lord for the ride). But there is also a place for seeing the beautiful vistas as they come, for enjoying the bright moments, embracing random trips for shot glasses full of pho, and remembering delicious adventures at a place called Ngon, laughing with friends and learning more about the gospel. And the greater trick is remembering the bright and shining moments when the clouds go back over the sun and you almost want to regret the laughter, but know you shouldn't. It's remembering the joy even when things seem to go off the tracks. It's not letting the negative things over shadow the good things.

I used to think I really had things figured out, that I somehow had the right to put people in boxes, even Susan Pevensie, the sister that though she had seen and felt Narnia could choose to see it as simply children's childhood games. I used to judge her very harshly, but now as I review the story, and as much as I want to be Lucy, I see parts of Susan too. I question things and take too much time questioning the motives of others (iconic quote "just because a man in a red suit hands you a sword doesn't mean you know how to use one") and my own destiny, instead of trusting. But I think who we all are most is Edmund. We make choices, see that those choices really didn't make us happy and realize we can't fix what we did on our own. Only after we are Edmund can we become Lucy.

So with all my mixed metaphors I guess what I am really trying to say is that it is better to love than to be angry, it is better to be kind than selfish, it is better to have faith than to doubt and it is better to trust the voice inside than bow to logic and skepticism. I want to learn to trust again, I want to learn how to hold to what I feel is true even in the possibility of disappointment. All of eternity rests upon the fact Christ did what He said He would, shouldn't our individual lives rest on that same fact, that our life will play out as the Spirit says it will, that promises can be held to and that our Father will always fulfill His end of the bargain. That no matter how dark it may seem, how lonely the journey, how repetitive the heartache that things will still be okay, that good news will still come, that what we felt once can still be true. How many times in this life will I learn this lesson? Until I trust without doubting, until I follow without question. We are in a battle for our very souls, it may not be a battle of swords or spears, but it is a battle of trust, love and hope, trust that we are a soul worth fighting for, that we have a destiny we can't begin to fully grasp and that a god, the Savior of the world would sacrifice Himself for us. And that no matter the pain of today we are dear to Him and we can find our way to tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I know one day it will be beautiful.