Coming to Ourselves

It can be a painful thing to see yourself as you truly are. And I mean this in the earthly eyes sense, if we saw us as Heavenly Father sees us we'd be in a hurry to become who He knows we can be and would be all sorts of excited and perhaps a bit discouraged all at once. No I mean this as seeing who we are in all our mortalness as King Benjamin talked about seeing ourselves as the dust of the earth, as we would be without Christ.

Now I admit, in my humany pride, and perhaps even my spiritual eyes, I could never quite place myself in King Benjamin's sermon, I didn't think I was the dust of the earth, I've never seen myself as nothing without Christ. I have my own moments of low self-esteem, and moments where I doubt myself, but I always figured I had something to offer and that I was doing okay, by no means perfect, but I was making progress and only needed Christ for the big things, which I wasn't doing, and painful things that sometimes arise.

And then this week happened.........

As I stared myself in the face (metaphorically, I didn't dare do this literally) I realized that I'm human just like everyone else, that I make good choices and seek the Spirit when life is going well or at least when the curve balls that comes are ones I can adapt to and I see reason to, but that when things don't go the way I wanted or expected that I can take myself away from a loving Father in Heaven. That there will be times when I don't feel the Spirit and I take myself away from the love of my Savior, because I can't see why something is happening the way it is. To realize that when the going gets tough I didn't get going, I sat and felt forsaken and questioned because what I didn't even know I wanted so badly just one month before is now the thing I wanted most of all, at the cost of not giving my spouse the time he needed and being selfish and not caring for the needs of others and being so caught up in my own world.

It is so easy to end up in the mists of darkness without even realizing we let go of the rod and left the path. It is so easy to become frustrated with our divine creator, because we don't see His purpose we can begin to think that He doesn't have one and that we are simply forgotten and unimportant. It is easy to forget who we are because the world seems to offer more current delights.

Just a few months ago I was on a spiritual high, I was learning so much about the Gospel, God's divine plan, and felt like every time I turned around some new, awesome thought was popping into my head. I was so excited in all that I was learning so I kept seeking more. Than I got my job working with kids and I entered survival mode. I was praying constantly, but usually for strength, then I got my other newer job back at the library and I was so relieved to be in a calmer place that I forgot to pray for anything other than gratitude. Gratitude is so important, it is the gateway for many other virtues, it must be our foundation for all other virtues, not all we ever do. I forgot that before February started I had been on a path of learning and excitement and I've since been reminded I can't afford to coast. I can't be content with mediocre prayer, only my scripture reading in the morning and only seeking the Lord to put out fires or times of emotional distress. If I really want to follow Him, if I truly want to be all I can be, then I must first remember, without Him, I'm really not much, and with Him I can do anything.

We all need moments of coming to ourselves, of realizing that where we might be headed isn't what we really want, that being angry or frustrated only makes us feel miserable and that God is a loving Father who seeks for our best, even if that best feels painful in the moment. It was painful to see myself in all my flawed "glory", but once I did I could seek the face of my Savior and Father once more and realize I wanted to try again, I want to heed the Spirit no matter what it says, I want to find myself in gratitude for what I do have and stop regretting past decisions that I can't change or opportunities Satan tells me I missed, when really those "opportunities" weren't ever in the picture, they were just a side road, when Christ had the straight path all along. Life is a hectic place and there are many paths to walk and perhaps even getting lost in. I'm grateful for temple mornings and Sabbath rests to remind me I can come to myself and Christ is waiting just down the road.