We are farther along than we think

I think one of the big struggles of our day is to find purpose in each new day. Time feels like it is rushing by, I heard someone say that the days are long and the years are short and I think I believe them. Each day of the week feels like a year in and of itself, filled with emotion, some good some bad, filled with tedium and too much excitement; then at the end of the week I find myself wondering how in the world it is already Saturday or in this case Sunday.



What I'm coming to find out is that if I don't make a conscious effort to be engaged and live with intention that I can go a whole week simply surviving instead of progressing. Sure that progression may only come in fits and starts and may not be as all encompassing or earth shattering as I would like to be, but progress even if by a 1/4 of an inch is still progress.

I think the biggest battle in this life is to just keep trying, to keep trying even without revelation, to keep trying without noticeable results, to keep trying when you are frustrated, to keep trying when you are confused, to keep trying when things get messy, to keep going even when every part of you just wants to give up because you don't even know why you are doing this anymore. As mentioned before most people will give up on something after two weeks if they don't see results...what I'm coming to see is that very few things in this life actually change in two weeks. I was looking at some of my blogs from December and realized I've been trying to improve my sleep schedule since before December. You know what...I stayed up until midnight last night. From a distance that would look like I am still failing because I'm still staying up later than I wanted to when I first started. However with a closer look I realized some things. First, I'm not crashing on the couch anymore and waking up at 1 a.m to head to bed. Second, the tv isn't on as late at our house as it used to be. This means that I'm spending less time in front of the tv and more time with my husband. Third, I have a much more solid and useful night time routine than I used to. Sure my actual time headed to bed might not have improved as much as I had hoped, but I am different than I was, and I have made improvements I hadn't even imagined when I started this journey 8 months ago.

Sometimes when the change we are seeking doesn't come the way we want or expected we can be tempted to give up and through in the towel. Sometimes when we start feeling frustrated we can be tempted to fall back into negative thought patterns and reside in the darkness in self-pity. I would guess that those moments are actually the moments when we are closest to success, perhaps not the "I have magically and suddenly reached the end all be all goal I have been seeking" but instead the "oh Heavenly Father, I see what you did there, that is a nice silver lining/added bonus to this endeavor."  Each time that we seek to become a better person, each time that we renew our effort to wear off a rough edge, each time that we look at ourselves and ask Heavenly Father what we might do to become a better vessel for His work, He knows we are embracing our divine DNA instead of our mortal DNA. He realizes this will be a life long effort and He knows that once we make the effort to change He can step in and with grace change us in ways we never expected. Satan realizes this as well, which is why he works so hard to keep us overwhelmed, over worked and exhausted. He doesn't want to give us the time to look at ourselves and see how we might change and he works doubly hard to discourage us in our change efforts because he doesn't want grace applied to our lives.

So if you are feeling discouragement tonight, if you feel like you have tried to change time and time again and you aren't any closer to your objective, I would encourage you to sit down and think about how you have changed in the last year, what things do you do differently now then you did then. Thank Heavenly Father for them, then ask Him how He and the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you change more. You might be surprised what He has to say to you. I know the road is long and dark at times (I am still walking mine with some patches of sunlight as I go along), I know that it is frustrating to try and try and never seem to get closer to what you want. But remember, Heavenly Father gave you and nurtured in you that desire to change because He also saw all the peripheral changes that could come along the way. Be kind to yourself and to others, we can't always see where we ourselves or those around us started, but I promise you, we are farther along that we think and we do have Heaven's help to keep on going. This is just another step in an eternal journey, and I'm grateful for the time I have in this life to start that journey.

Choosing the Positive

   I realized something earlier this week, Satan wants me isolated and he wants me not to feel. There is a phrase in scripture called "past feeling" I used to think that that just meant past feeling guilty but as I faced two weekends ago and the repercussions of that night and the fear I felt from not feeling in the moment and as I've thought back on it I realized if we aren't feeling then we aren't afraid or concerned or well anything. When we feel scared or concerned or worried we generally reach out to other people and especially to Heavenly Father. When we don't feel anything we hide away because we wonder what's wrong with us and when we don't feel we don't want to be around people with emotion. Generally numbness comes from a piling on of too much negative emotion, so we want to hide from the possibility of more negative emotion so we isolate ourselves, hoping that if we stay away long enough we won't pile anything else on and maybe somehow feel again.

   After coming to this conclusion, I finally shared more of what was on my mind with my family and you know what, it was very freeing. True it was scary to let others see what was really going on, but it was freeing knowing those thoughts weren't just stuck inside me anymore. It is a strange paradox that we can be doing our best to hide what is really going on inside of us so no one sees our struggle, then wonder why no one is asking us what's wrong. The fact is if we don't share, then others can't know. This life is too short to hold everything inside of us all the time. Yes I understand that there is a correct time and place for sharing, but we also need to be willing to share when the opportunity presents itself.

   Of course once you begin to share it can be like a tidal wave of emotion and thought start building up and bursting forth. Two weeks ago was the first time that I shared that experience so close to the moment of it actually happening and let's just say this recovery time period has been much different than any other. I don't know if it's because me doing something different has triggered a new sequence of events or if I finally did something to help me heal instead of just tamp down and so now opposition has risen to keep me in chaos, regardless of which it is my thoughts have been very stirred up these last two weeks. I am still struggling to find the God I knew. I know He hasn't changed, but I am struggling to see Him as He truly is. Right now I just feel so overwhelmed, so pulled in so many different directions that I'm not sure how to find peace, because it is peace I feel I am lacking. Yes I do know of coping techniques or things I could do to improve what's going on, but I feel so exhausted that I'm struggling to do them. In the mix of all of this I am still trying to improve my sleeping routine and actually go to bed at night. This is the first time I have really had to battle to do a righteous thing. No I am not perfect, in fact I am far from it. I realize I have a tendency to be selfish and want attention (I mean I am writing a blog). But most things come generally easily to me. Word of Wisdom hasn't been an issue, wearing garments was never a struggle, R-rated movies haven't been a trouble, yet somehow going to bed at a decent time has brought me to my knees begging for the help of heaven (when I'm not feeling rebellious or non committal). I guess this just shows me we really do have our pet sins, Satan won't try to tempt us with immorality if he can get us to gossip or tempt us with the Word of Wisdom if he can just get us to stay up late so we are so tired we can't feel the Spirit and so frazzled we feel we can't do more. The irony of this life, it is the small things that make the biggest difference.

  In the midst of the swirl of all these things I was reminded that I can choose to be in control of my emotions, they don't rule me. Because I chose to entertain negativity, the negative is all I saw. Satan can make the negative so much more relatable to us in our mortal state than seeing the positive. But that doesn't make the negative completely true. Sure the trash wasn't taken out yesterday, that doesn't make anyone a failure, it just means sometimes we forget. Don't let Satan dictate how you feel about those in your life. You will be tempted to see the negative, but you can choose to look past the negative and see the good too. It is amazing what one negative thought does. It crushes your spirit and places a dark filter over your vision so all you see is the bad. Negativity is contagious. Conversely when you have one positive thought sometimes you have to fight for the next one, but as you fight for the positive you feel a smile lifting the edges of your mouth and a friend and companion where just moments before you saw an enemy. The adversary wants us enemies, our Savior hopes for us to be friends, we can choose the good and we can find light. Sure I still have a rats nest in my head, but I know I will do better choosing the positive than the dark.

To not let the darkness take root

     Would you like to know a funny thing? This week's post is even harder to write than last week's. Why you might ask? Because it's hard to know what to say. It's hard for anyone to know what to say once they have heard something intensely personal and a little bit heavy. We don't want to say something belittling or to cause more hurt or harm so we tend to not say much, so then there's an awkward pause or we change the subject to something else. I get it and that's why I tend not to say anything because there is almost nothing worse then telling something of a close-to-the-heart nature and have it just hang there, that's why generally when people ask how I'm doing I say I'm fine, because I have no desire to face that awkwardness or even worse to see pity in their eyes. It is a fragile thing to tell people that your life and marriage isn't what it looks like on the surface, of course I think that is true for everyone. We all have hard things, they look different from each other, but they are still hard. Whether it is the fact you haven't slept for a week because your toddler and newborn are taking turns being up, through the whole night. Or whether your toddler can't make up their mind whether they love you or hate you and it's different everyday, or if your spouse is really stressed and you are feeling very stressed trying to help them make it through. Or if your child has said they are leaving the church and you don't know what to do or whether you are sitting across from your spouse and wondering how things are really going beneath the surface. Or maybe it is something that people wouldn't really label as hard, you are just really busy with a church calling, supporting a spouse, running a non-profit, trying to keep up with grand kids, who knows what it is that is going on in your life, you are still worth having someone check in on you, you are still worth receiving support. In a world where Zion truly has come it doesn't matter what defcon level we face, we just care about people. I realize I can do a lot better at this, generally I feel so caught up in my own things that the idea of checking in on one other person overwhelms me to the point of jitteryness. Then Heavenly Father says "don't worry about all those things, I just need you to bring cookies to that family over there who is struggling" and somehow being able to focus on just that one thing clears your mind and gives you purpose, because you know you did the Lord's errand and that's ultimately what you were hoping for with all your long lists of things to do.

 So how am I doing? I don't know how to answer that question. At a training I went to this weekend I was taught we all need letting go techniques and as I listened I realized this is one of mine, this is where I learn, this is where Heavenly Father teaches me things. We all need a place where we feel safe being us, we need a sphere where we can express without judgement and see with clearer eyes what is really going on in our lives.

   So here goes with the semi clearer eyes...I'm still struggling. I'm struggling not because things are still in upheaval, but because they are not, because things are calm. I faced an epoch of sorts in my life and then came Monday morning everything was "normal" again. It was as if nothing had happened, my relationship returns to evenness and I'm left wondering what in the world just happened. I try to not dwell on the past and just move forward, yet my spirit knows that something major happened and I don't know how to just let it go. I admit that for a time this week I let myself get a bit too near and dear with self-pity, I developed an attitude of frustration asking myself why depression couldn't have just stayed away, I had been telling myself that the future was bright and creating beautiful dreams and then they all came crashing down. I am ashamed to admit some martyr syndrome came as well, I let myself feel picked on and woeful. And you know what, I felt darkness, I felt darkness because that is the only perspective I let in. We see the world according to the labels we give it and according to how we choose to filter it before it comes into our heart. Because I labelled things negatively all I saw was darkness and reasons to complain because of my picked on state. And because I chose to focus on those emotions that's all I felt. It wasn't until I went to Heavenly Father and asked Him to not only remove those emotions, but to replace them that I finally felt that filter be removed and I could feel His love again. Letting Him bring light back into my life was one of the best decisions of my week. Yet it was still a bit of blow that it didn't miraculously sweep away my chaos or bring perfect answers and circumstances. 

To be honest looking at things from a week away I am split down the middle. One side of me feels as if my whole life was once more turned upside down and the other side of me (unlike Fiddler on the Roof there are only two sides here) feels like last week was no big deal and I'm making something more out of it than I should. Thinking about it or sharing it with some who have talked with me I feel as if I am whining and I should just keep my mouth shut because it isn't a big deal and I shouldn't worry anybody else because they'd be worrying for nothing.

 There are still elements of confusion, loneliness, sadness (a whole myriad of things from last week I haven't faced yet) and they could very well drag me down, even with things on the surface seemingly fine. Yet for today I choose not to entertain those thoughts. Yes I know I need to process them, tamping them down just leaves an explosion for later. But I also don't want them to rule my every thought or determine my filter. I'm in a new place I've never been before and I'm curious to see where we go from here. So today I choose to say

                                      I am an empowered daughter of God

                                      I see the light in others

                                       I say truth with love and kindness

                                      I love all of God's children, no matter background or perspective

                                      I do the work of Heavenly Father

                                      I feel the love of heaven

                                      I am a servant of my Savior

And perhaps that is what it is to be Christlike, to not let the darkness take root even when we feel like its our due. He faced many forces of darkness yet He chose the light.

Feel it as well

Tonight I'd like to tell a story and I tell this story not only by permission, but also encouragement from those in the story.



  "Last night I'm sitting on the couch when my husband gets up and says he needs to go. At first I just thought he needed to head to the bathroom...then he starts changing his clothes and I realize that he is heading outside, then he starts packing a bag and saying he's not sure when he'll be back, he's just so miserable that he can't stay here any longer. He says the noise is just too much and the chaos outside our house (Cache Valley Cruise in festivities) is making the chaos inside him too much, he just can't do it anymore, he is too miserable to want to stay in this life and just doesn't want to live anymore. I realize that he has been alone too long this week and the voices that are sometimes just whispering in his head are at a full roar. I look into the bedroom to see the gun case on the bed and my heart drops. I ask him what is in his backpack. He says he just needs the bag and tries to leave. I grab on in a hug asking him not to go and to leave the gun. He tells me I assume too much and I shouldn't assume like that, I go to the bed and see everything is still in the case so I put it away. He then tells me he needs to get away, he doesn't know how long he'll be gone and he walks out the door. I'm left alone in my sweltering house wondering what I do now. I don't feel the panic I've felt in times past when he's left saying life is just too heavy. Somehow I feel he will come home to me, at the same time I wonder what happens if he doesn't come home. So I message a friend for help, asking her assistance in praying for light, angels and some space for him from the voices. She reminds me that it is up to my husband whether he accepts that help or not and I realize I can ask for all that I want, it is up to him whether he accepts them or not, I am powerless.
    So I pray, I pray for angels to watch over and protect him, and I pray that for tonight he will be okay. Yet I feel empty inside, how did it get this bad, just last week things felt okay, not great, but okay, now it's like we've fallen to the bottom of the deepest darkest crevasse on earth. I feel bad for having left him alone so much this week having not realized just how much was at stake. Then feeling I really need a walk, but not wanting the house to be empty when he gets home I walk in a loop around my house, up the block, back down the block, loop around the house and repeat, always craning my neck for a sight of his car, wondering if I really will see him pull in, wondering just how long he will be gone, what he is doing, hoping he will come back home. Finally as I finish my loops he pulls in and I realize crisis has been averted for another night, but also realizing that doesn't mean everything is okay. A broken young man comes struggling back in the house, so weighted down by life, feeling buried alive, feeling that his spirit is slowly dying and wisping away. Knowing that "'depression doesn't discriminate, it comes after the rich, the poor, those who are happy, those who are sad, it slowly eats away at you, dimming your vision so you can't see the light and it never goes away, maybe sometimes the voices and dread get a little smaller, but they are always there, eating away at you until you just can't stand it anymore you know you have to leave, you sleep all the time because it is the closest you can get to death, and God never answers your prayers to just be able to fall asleep and never wake up." Why won't He just answer that prayer? And I realize I have no answers to these questions. You realize there is nothing to say to misery that deep.
    So eventually sleep comes to both of us and I wake up the next day not knowing what will come. Will he be morose, will he be despairing or will he be just fine? So I sit through church alone, hoping he is okay and hoping he knows I love him and it is enough to keep him here another day. Facing the three hour block alone, facing people who want to push into your life, but don't take time to realize that you are numb, that you realize you should be freaking out because of what happened last night, realizing you should be thanking Heavenly Father that your husband is still here, but really just feeling empty and alone and doomed to face this cycle over and over again. People ask you how you are and you say fine because you have no idea how to tell them that your husband doesn't want to live anymore. And you come home...and everything seems fine, he's on the couch watching tv and you wonder what happened in the last five hours. As the day goes on you think that miraculously everything is okay, you've dodged a bullet (maybe even literally) and things are looking up. Then in a side comment you realize things aren't okay, they just got tamped down beneath the surface again and you realize the voices are still shouting, the chaos is still swirling and you still don't have any better answers than you had the night before. And as you get ready for bed with those questions still ringing in your mind you feel empty and you ache for them and you realize you haven't even cried because you yourself don't even know what to think."

I share this tonight because the young man in the thick of it asked me to, he said if it could help one person it would be worth it. This young man has fought this battle for decades and his eyes are starting to dim, yet still he wants those around him to know that if they are facing this same struggle they are not alone. And he wants those in supporting roles to know they aren't alone. His exact words were "tell them what it is to have someone who suffers from depression and severe anxiety".

So often I still hear, just tell him to buck up and get over it or why won't he come, doesn't he like us?
   I'm not writing this post to get on a soap box, I think I'm writing to try to make it feel real, to come to grips with the fact that sometimes this is just a part of my life. Hearing your spouse doesn't want to stay in this life is a heartwrenching thing to hear, but after hearing it so many times you wonder what that really means, yet you don't dare not take it seriously because what if this time it really is that bad, what if this time he doesn't come home. You can't live in fear and eventually the fear wears off, yet it can never be normal either. Who knows maybe we will both live to see our children and great grandchildren or maybe we won't, but that doesn't make life any less precious. So perhaps tonight is to remind me that life is precious, not that my life is any more difficult than anyone else's, it's just it's own kind of painful.
   As cliche'd as it is, please remember we all have battles that others can't see, so please be kind. I keep wanting to end with my testimony, I mean just yesterday I was talking with a friend and realized how many tender mercies and brief moments of inspiration I've had in my life in even the last week, yet even knowing Heavenly Father is active in my life I'm still feeling a bit alone tonight, not abandoned by any means, just a bit chip on the shoulder and I'm still working on how to get past it. It doesn't matter how many times someone says to you that Jesus Christ wants to take your burden if Satan is whispering to you at the same time that Jesus is the one that allowed the burden in the first place. Yes I know the logic is twisted, but that doesn't stop it from being there. So for now I'm going to keep doing what I can to follow the light, read my scriptures, uplifting music, and keep getting up every morning and hopefully one day, one day soon I will not only seek the light, but feel it as well...

Loves me anyway

 "... surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it."

   I wish sometimes that I wasn't so human, that I could fearlessly share my thoughts and feelings without worry about others might think, but I guess that is the thing about being human, we're afraid to be vulnerable because it opens us up to hurt. But I also think it comes from realizing we are all interconnected and that thoughtless words or deep down true words can both hurt the ones we love or cause others to act when that is not our intent. Sometimes though words just need to be said so that they don't go on poisoning us. 

  In "My Country 'Tis of Thee" we learn that God is a God of liberty. Now in the context of the song it is saying that God authored liberty for America, which I whole-heartedly agree. Yet as I sang the song this morning I was reminded that Heavenly Father is also an author of our own individual liberty, He doesn't want us to be trapped in sin, He doesn't want us to be trapped in fear and He most definitely doesn't want us trapped in the wiles of Satan's whisperings. But sometimes life happens and we can get stuck in those wiles without realizing it. And it can happen so easily. A few weeks ago I asked my friend "how can it be that I am praying more than ever, yet I feel farther from Heavenly Father than before?" Yesterday morning I found out the answer to my question. As I prepared for my early morning temple shift, feeling rather overwhelmed by life and feeling very far away from my Father I finally prayed a prayer I realized I haven't prayed in a very long time, I said "Father please help ____________ and I to figure things out". And then I finished getting ready and headed out for my day. As I sang the hymn "I stand all amazed" I wasn't feeling all that amazed, I was feeling hurt and angry because I wasn't feeling the love the song said I should be feeling. The Spirit spoke to me in that moment and I realized, because I haven't been feeling love from some in my life, I haven't been feeling love from my Savior and my Father. Somewhere along the line I had gotten caught in lie that if Heavenly Father really loved me that He wouldn't have put me in the situation I'm in, if He really loved me my life would look different right now. I let that thought take root in my heart and overtime it didn't matter how much I was praying to Heavenly Father, because I wasn't praying to Him about the things I really needed to. I was feeling so betrayed, lied to and frustrated that I had forgotten Heavenly Father was really the only one who could fix it. Satan lied to me by clouding the real circumstances, just because something looks like something for a week, a month, six months, a year, two years, two and a half years, doesn't mean it will always be that way. He had me forgetting that this moment right now isn't how it has always been nor how it will always be. Sure there are some things right now this moment that I feel keenly aren't here, there are somethings that I wish were different. But there are good things to.

   If I truly believe that Heavenly Father is the author of Liberty, that He truly wants what is best for my eternal growth and welfare, that means I don't buy into Satan's lies and think that Heavenly Father doesn't love me because things haven't gone according to my plan. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by what feels like the demands of family, work responsibilities, church callings, ministering duties, and just being a kind human being. Sometimes I feel buried by my own negativity and incorrect thinking. Sometimes I loath myself for judging others when I see so clearly all the places I feel I am failing. That's another lie from Satan, we begin thinking we'll feel better if we can just think poorly of someone else, this truly is a lie. We all have struggles, some face cancer, some face a wandering child, some face questions of faith, some face unfair judgement from others, some face barrenness, some face child loss, some face physical pain, some face emotional pain that causes them to doubt themselves. We all have our trials, we all have things that cause our souls to mourn. The thing about mortality is we all have different stuff, yet whatever the stuff might be it can still hurt us, even if to someone else it would be so faceable. I am so thankful Heavenly Father extends mercy even when we believe Satan's lie and are angry at our Father in Heaven. I am so thankful for His infinite patience, because right now I am struggling to feel His love. It is so easy to extend love to others when we feel centered in His love. Perhaps that is why tests come that seem to disconnect us from His love. Can we still be kind, can we still reach out in love when we feel so very unloved? Can we still do what is right when really all we want to do is run far away? 

    I am so thankful for a merciful Father who does extend His mercy even when we don't want it, who extends His kindness in brief glimpses when He knows we still aren't ready to embrace all that it means. I am thankful for a Father who hasn't given up on me, even when in this moment I don't feel it (I may know it in my mind, but knowing something and feeling something are very different things). Even now I look forward to the hope of the 2nd Coming, even now I hope for peace feeling like I don't have the ability to do what I need to do to feel it. Letting go of feelings of betrayal, letting go in general.

Jeffrey R Holland said "We consume such precious emotional and spiritual capital clinging tenaciously to the memory of a discordant note we struck in a childhood piano recital, or something a spouse said or did 20 years ago that we are determined to hold over his or her head for another 20, or an incident in Church history that proved no more or less than that mortals will always struggle to measure up to the immortal hopes placed before them. Even if one of those grievances did not originate with you, it can end with you."  Right now I am struggling to face that sometimes mortals struggle to measure up to the immortal hopes place before them.  But at the end of the day, if God delights so much in being merciful, perhaps that is what I am to learn, to be like my Savior, to be like my Father is to accept we are all human and we are all trying in a fallen world and doing better today than yesterday is a win and that sometimes just breathing is also a win.

We all have dark patches in life, some of them cycle through more often than we would like, but in the eternal scheme of things learning to love and learning to be merciful is truly the greatest thing we can learn because that is the essence of who God is, a being who delights in mercy because He knows the pain and He knows the effort and He just keeps loving us anyway and maybe that is what it is to be God, loving anyway. I am so thankful for a God, a Father in Heaven who loves me anyway.