Choosing the Positive

   I realized something earlier this week, Satan wants me isolated and he wants me not to feel. There is a phrase in scripture called "past feeling" I used to think that that just meant past feeling guilty but as I faced two weekends ago and the repercussions of that night and the fear I felt from not feeling in the moment and as I've thought back on it I realized if we aren't feeling then we aren't afraid or concerned or well anything. When we feel scared or concerned or worried we generally reach out to other people and especially to Heavenly Father. When we don't feel anything we hide away because we wonder what's wrong with us and when we don't feel we don't want to be around people with emotion. Generally numbness comes from a piling on of too much negative emotion, so we want to hide from the possibility of more negative emotion so we isolate ourselves, hoping that if we stay away long enough we won't pile anything else on and maybe somehow feel again.

   After coming to this conclusion, I finally shared more of what was on my mind with my family and you know what, it was very freeing. True it was scary to let others see what was really going on, but it was freeing knowing those thoughts weren't just stuck inside me anymore. It is a strange paradox that we can be doing our best to hide what is really going on inside of us so no one sees our struggle, then wonder why no one is asking us what's wrong. The fact is if we don't share, then others can't know. This life is too short to hold everything inside of us all the time. Yes I understand that there is a correct time and place for sharing, but we also need to be willing to share when the opportunity presents itself.

   Of course once you begin to share it can be like a tidal wave of emotion and thought start building up and bursting forth. Two weeks ago was the first time that I shared that experience so close to the moment of it actually happening and let's just say this recovery time period has been much different than any other. I don't know if it's because me doing something different has triggered a new sequence of events or if I finally did something to help me heal instead of just tamp down and so now opposition has risen to keep me in chaos, regardless of which it is my thoughts have been very stirred up these last two weeks. I am still struggling to find the God I knew. I know He hasn't changed, but I am struggling to see Him as He truly is. Right now I just feel so overwhelmed, so pulled in so many different directions that I'm not sure how to find peace, because it is peace I feel I am lacking. Yes I do know of coping techniques or things I could do to improve what's going on, but I feel so exhausted that I'm struggling to do them. In the mix of all of this I am still trying to improve my sleeping routine and actually go to bed at night. This is the first time I have really had to battle to do a righteous thing. No I am not perfect, in fact I am far from it. I realize I have a tendency to be selfish and want attention (I mean I am writing a blog). But most things come generally easily to me. Word of Wisdom hasn't been an issue, wearing garments was never a struggle, R-rated movies haven't been a trouble, yet somehow going to bed at a decent time has brought me to my knees begging for the help of heaven (when I'm not feeling rebellious or non committal). I guess this just shows me we really do have our pet sins, Satan won't try to tempt us with immorality if he can get us to gossip or tempt us with the Word of Wisdom if he can just get us to stay up late so we are so tired we can't feel the Spirit and so frazzled we feel we can't do more. The irony of this life, it is the small things that make the biggest difference.

  In the midst of the swirl of all these things I was reminded that I can choose to be in control of my emotions, they don't rule me. Because I chose to entertain negativity, the negative is all I saw. Satan can make the negative so much more relatable to us in our mortal state than seeing the positive. But that doesn't make the negative completely true. Sure the trash wasn't taken out yesterday, that doesn't make anyone a failure, it just means sometimes we forget. Don't let Satan dictate how you feel about those in your life. You will be tempted to see the negative, but you can choose to look past the negative and see the good too. It is amazing what one negative thought does. It crushes your spirit and places a dark filter over your vision so all you see is the bad. Negativity is contagious. Conversely when you have one positive thought sometimes you have to fight for the next one, but as you fight for the positive you feel a smile lifting the edges of your mouth and a friend and companion where just moments before you saw an enemy. The adversary wants us enemies, our Savior hopes for us to be friends, we can choose the good and we can find light. Sure I still have a rats nest in my head, but I know I will do better choosing the positive than the dark.