To not let the darkness take root

     Would you like to know a funny thing? This week's post is even harder to write than last week's. Why you might ask? Because it's hard to know what to say. It's hard for anyone to know what to say once they have heard something intensely personal and a little bit heavy. We don't want to say something belittling or to cause more hurt or harm so we tend to not say much, so then there's an awkward pause or we change the subject to something else. I get it and that's why I tend not to say anything because there is almost nothing worse then telling something of a close-to-the-heart nature and have it just hang there, that's why generally when people ask how I'm doing I say I'm fine, because I have no desire to face that awkwardness or even worse to see pity in their eyes. It is a fragile thing to tell people that your life and marriage isn't what it looks like on the surface, of course I think that is true for everyone. We all have hard things, they look different from each other, but they are still hard. Whether it is the fact you haven't slept for a week because your toddler and newborn are taking turns being up, through the whole night. Or whether your toddler can't make up their mind whether they love you or hate you and it's different everyday, or if your spouse is really stressed and you are feeling very stressed trying to help them make it through. Or if your child has said they are leaving the church and you don't know what to do or whether you are sitting across from your spouse and wondering how things are really going beneath the surface. Or maybe it is something that people wouldn't really label as hard, you are just really busy with a church calling, supporting a spouse, running a non-profit, trying to keep up with grand kids, who knows what it is that is going on in your life, you are still worth having someone check in on you, you are still worth receiving support. In a world where Zion truly has come it doesn't matter what defcon level we face, we just care about people. I realize I can do a lot better at this, generally I feel so caught up in my own things that the idea of checking in on one other person overwhelms me to the point of jitteryness. Then Heavenly Father says "don't worry about all those things, I just need you to bring cookies to that family over there who is struggling" and somehow being able to focus on just that one thing clears your mind and gives you purpose, because you know you did the Lord's errand and that's ultimately what you were hoping for with all your long lists of things to do.

 So how am I doing? I don't know how to answer that question. At a training I went to this weekend I was taught we all need letting go techniques and as I listened I realized this is one of mine, this is where I learn, this is where Heavenly Father teaches me things. We all need a place where we feel safe being us, we need a sphere where we can express without judgement and see with clearer eyes what is really going on in our lives.

   So here goes with the semi clearer eyes...I'm still struggling. I'm struggling not because things are still in upheaval, but because they are not, because things are calm. I faced an epoch of sorts in my life and then came Monday morning everything was "normal" again. It was as if nothing had happened, my relationship returns to evenness and I'm left wondering what in the world just happened. I try to not dwell on the past and just move forward, yet my spirit knows that something major happened and I don't know how to just let it go. I admit that for a time this week I let myself get a bit too near and dear with self-pity, I developed an attitude of frustration asking myself why depression couldn't have just stayed away, I had been telling myself that the future was bright and creating beautiful dreams and then they all came crashing down. I am ashamed to admit some martyr syndrome came as well, I let myself feel picked on and woeful. And you know what, I felt darkness, I felt darkness because that is the only perspective I let in. We see the world according to the labels we give it and according to how we choose to filter it before it comes into our heart. Because I labelled things negatively all I saw was darkness and reasons to complain because of my picked on state. And because I chose to focus on those emotions that's all I felt. It wasn't until I went to Heavenly Father and asked Him to not only remove those emotions, but to replace them that I finally felt that filter be removed and I could feel His love again. Letting Him bring light back into my life was one of the best decisions of my week. Yet it was still a bit of blow that it didn't miraculously sweep away my chaos or bring perfect answers and circumstances. 

To be honest looking at things from a week away I am split down the middle. One side of me feels as if my whole life was once more turned upside down and the other side of me (unlike Fiddler on the Roof there are only two sides here) feels like last week was no big deal and I'm making something more out of it than I should. Thinking about it or sharing it with some who have talked with me I feel as if I am whining and I should just keep my mouth shut because it isn't a big deal and I shouldn't worry anybody else because they'd be worrying for nothing.

 There are still elements of confusion, loneliness, sadness (a whole myriad of things from last week I haven't faced yet) and they could very well drag me down, even with things on the surface seemingly fine. Yet for today I choose not to entertain those thoughts. Yes I know I need to process them, tamping them down just leaves an explosion for later. But I also don't want them to rule my every thought or determine my filter. I'm in a new place I've never been before and I'm curious to see where we go from here. So today I choose to say

                                      I am an empowered daughter of God

                                      I see the light in others

                                       I say truth with love and kindness

                                      I love all of God's children, no matter background or perspective

                                      I do the work of Heavenly Father

                                      I feel the love of heaven

                                      I am a servant of my Savior

And perhaps that is what it is to be Christlike, to not let the darkness take root even when we feel like its our due. He faced many forces of darkness yet He chose the light.