Real Perfection

I have a problem, that problem usually shows itself when I hear people whispering around me, I tend to start listening in for fear that I will hear my name come up and hear that someone is displeased with my work. Now the problem I am referring to is not eaves-dropping (however I am aware that I have a problem with that too), no my problem is wanting the appearance of perfection more than truly becoming perfect. Yesterday I was helping in a session at the temple and did something wrong, I recognized my error, but it was too late to do anything about it and so I just had to move forward. About five minutes after this mistake I saw participants in the back whispering to each other and my brain automatically assumed that they were whispering about me and that after the session I would receive correction and I cringed on the inside, I don't like situations where people have to correct me or tell me that my actions/behavior is incorrect. Now I realize very few people enjoy criticism or seek correction and I am no different. Yet as I saw the workers in the back whispering to each other the Spirit asked me a very important question, he asked "do you want to actually become perfect or do you just want to look perfect?" I realized that though my goal is to truly become perfected one day, my actions each day don't show that. When others see me I hope they see someone who is put together, has things figured out and can answer questions.

But if I am truly to become something I need to be willing to accept that I have weaknesses and be willing to have others see them so that they can help me to become better. It is a hard thing to swallow our pride and to receive direction, and then to receive that direction to actually change our behavior. For example, I've been having a hard time going to bed at night, probably since I got married. It started with having homework and staying up late to finish papers, but it is long since graduation and I still nine times out of ten fall asleep on the couch instead of heading to bed when I get tired. Most nights Christopher encourages me to go to bed before I hit that magical hour of bedding down for the night on the couch, yet knowing how tired I am and how long my nightly routine is I usually disregard what he says, thinking that I'll just have a brief nap before getting ready. Mind you that brief nap usually ends up being three hours long and midnight rapidly approaches. Now the point of this story has much less to do with sleep (though it is important) and much more to do with receiving direction and dis-regarding it because it isn't part of my current plan. If I say that I want to change, then I need to be willing to accept suggestions even if in my mind it isn't convenient.

The other side to this discussion about change is rooted in submission. We live in a world that tells us that we should be in control, that we are the authors of our success and that we can do whatever we want. Yet the Lord teaches us differently. By His very example He showed us complete submission to the will of His Father and shows us that true power comes when we allow ourselves to become something more than we can be on our own, by taking the criticism and changing. I am far from having perfected this, in fact I'm afraid that I struggle with wanting my own way and appearing perfect though I am far from it. It is so easy to take offense or become defensive, wanting to place the blame on others or at least focus on how they contribute to the situation. But we don't have control on what others do, we only have control over how we respond.

 So today I want to be the day that I commit to accept reproof when it comes and commit to change. To put my headstrong attitude that I know what is best aside and instead accept change when change is needed. I don't want to come to my own personal interview with my Savior and have that be the time when I realize just how many times He allowed moments to come that were meant to sand down my rough edges, but instead I chose to keep my rough edges because I thought I knew best. Where we get to in this life is largely dependent on how often we allow Christ to pilot our vessel. When we allow the righteous desires of others to encourage change we are letting Christ pilot the vessel of our lives, to sand off the rough edges and to become something glorious.

What do we want in this life? Do we want to appear perfect or do we desire real perfection? That of changing and growing to become something the Lord can use in His work.