I've been struggling a bit for probably a lot longer than I care to think about too much with focusing on the good, the positive and the light. I didn't purposeful set out to be negative, but it just sort of happened. Soon I was nitpicking about everything in my head and making snap judgments about people and about situations. As it continued darkness creeped into my life without me noticing it. I became someone I didn't like. It did come to the surface and out my mouth on occasion and the times when it did scared because I realized my insides weren't filled with as much light as they used to. Somehow the darkness in the world around me and sometimes in my home had snuck in unbeknownst to me and made themselves at home and though I realized they were there I had no idea what to do about getting rid of them. Yes I knew I needed to seek after the light, but after letting so much darkness feed off my light my vigor was feeling low and my drive to change was a desire, but not a whole lot else.
One night sitting in the door way of my closet trying to process through everything, feeling very beaten up and just exhausted I realized that at the heart of it all was that I didn't feel accepted, needed or valued, so instead of seeking to give acceptance, love and value to others I was taking it. This wasn't a conscious decision, it was simply a need unfulfilled that had gone awry. So I took it to my Heavenly Father I apologize for undervaluing His children, myself included and asked for help to see the good. I was so tired of being grumpy, sort sighted and frustrated I wanted to love.
And somehow to my slight surprise He did. He helped me switch my thinking, sure little not nice or negative things popped into my head occasionally, but now I know I don't want to entertain them, I don't want to give them space. I learned this past little while just how easy it is for negativity to creep in and start bedding down, for dark clouds to glide over the sun until the light is obscured. Satan wants nothing more for us to be grumpy, crabby individuals who only thing the worst of people and situations, you can't build a Zion of one heart and one mind if everyone is only looking at flaws. So he preys upon the negative and we reap the world wind.
On the flip side, the Savior is there when we ask for help. I have been pleasantly surprised the last few days that the positive has come to mind first, that I want to give the benefit of the doubt and I see more of myself in others, realizing we all are simply on a journey, some days are good, some not so good and we really just need more love. I also realized how important quiet time to yourself is. We all need time to slow down and recharge, without music, without the tv, without bright lights (I find Christmas lights to be particularly healing) and sometimes without other people, time to just take things to Heavenly Father and mull them over in our mind. When we give ourselves that time to find our core we can more easily see the things that snuck in that are negative and destructive and we don't want around. It gives us time to petition the Lord to change our nature, but first we need to know where we are and where we want to be.
After that prayer in my closet doorway I have had more light in my life than I have felt in a while, I felt lighter, like a lot of the things weighing on my mind weren't so heavy. Our Savior stands at the door, but He waits for us to open it. I'm so thankful for His infinite patience and in this case instant love. It can be painful to take time to take stock of where we are at, the path we are on and where it leads. It can be painful to acknowledge weakness and misdirection, but the peace I feel now means I can face the world, even when things aren't the way I imagined, I can move forward because my
God fights for me, He sends His angels before me, He sends His light to fill up dark spaces. We are not alone. Our Savor stands at the door, please open and let Him start a work in you.
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