Those are the moments

It's been four years today since I arrived at the Phnom Penh airport and prepared to fly home after just six short months in the country and just nine months after being set apart as a missionary.  Though suffering with unknown health problems I felt sure that as soon as I stepped off the plane my life would just fall into place. Having made the decision to come home because the Spirit said I had finished my work there and knowing there happened to be a young man waiting at home I was sure that things would simply fall into place, I'd come home, start back into school, get a job, get married, graduate and life would be fantastic. Well I did get a job, I did get back into school and tried out a couple different majors and life was fantastic... but marriage didn't come for quite sometime,  though that same young man was still right there waiting for me.

  Sometimes in our lives we make choices based upon the Spirit and then are surprised when what follows is not what we logically thought would follow. In my case I hadn't come home with the end result of getting married, I came home because the Lord said it was time, and then spent two years working and waiting for the one that I loved, trying out different majors, learning to wait, to hope and to keep trying even when doors felt like they were shut.

Once more I went where the Lord said to go, but as before the things that came were not things I expected to come. Things didn't automatically all work themselves out. I know I've been hammering this topic out a lot lately, probably almost to the ad nosium stage, you'd think after facing this four years ago I'd just say, oh yeah seen that before, I've so got this. But that hasn't been the case, I have come to realize that what I usually think of myself isn't always true. I usually think I have a pretty good grasp on faith, that when the Lord asks I will happily do, but that's because when the Lord asks things usually turn out really well from the very beginning. This time they haven't and I've realized a lot of my faith has been based in the outcome. I had faith and was happy about it because so far things have gone really well. Well there was that time I was waiting to get married for two years, but this time feels different for some reason.

For the first time in my life things just feel dark, even with blessings coming, kindness from others, unexpected tender mercies, knowing that things will eventually work out, even knowing that Heavenly Father is nearby, I still feel dark and despondent. For one of the first times in my life that I can remember, I just don't want to do it. I feel selfish, self-centered, frustrated, sad, mad and a whole host of other emotions, all telling me to just run away. Yet I know there isn't anywhere else to go, one, because I don't really think there is anywhere else to go, two because I know in my heart that by running away I don't become who I'm supposed to be. The longer I stay mad, despondent, grumpy, frustrated or selfish the longer I stunt my progress, my working to change those emotions won't automatically make the trials go any faster, but my ability to learn and find peace will greatly increase the sooner I can work to be kinder, kinder to myself and others.

I ache so badly to do good in the world, to be important, to make a difference, to be someone special that I've missed the boat. I have gotten so caught up in the big things, that I've missed the little differences, that I've missed that I can still make where I'm at a better place to be, even if waking up every morning seems like I'm in the same old same old. Over the pulpit we sometimes hear of miraculous events, that when your cupboards are bare a young man shows up on your door step with a little red wagon full of food, or of a sister going through a hard time and another sister with a loaf of bread just happens to show up on her doorstep. Or of a women facing medical bills just happens to receive a check from an old college room mate that matches the need. All of these gifts and miracles come from a Heavenly Father who loves us so dearly. But that doesn't mean those same miracles happen in our lives, maybe they will, but it is up to a Father in Heaven who knows us perfectly to know how to reach us where we are. Maybe sometimes instead of a check in the mail it is having money in the bank you can draw from because you were obedient and saved up, maybe it's a familiar member willing to offer you a good deal on their vehicle because you don't know how long yours is going to last, maybe its knowing how to help someone even if you aren't in a place to go shovel mud out of someone's basement. The Lord works in mysterious ways and maybe sometimes its enough to know He's still there, even when everything else feels like it is going down hill fast.

There will be moments of darkness in all of our lives, moments when it seems that nothing we do will really work out, moments when it doesn't matter how it will work out eventually, you just know it really hurts now. Those are the moments when Christ is sitting right next to you. In those moments tell the Lord exactly how you feel, don't leave anything out, then ask for angels to clear away some darkness and then hope for peace, because those are the moments we are not alone.