It is okay to just be

For a weekend that I've been looking forward to for a month, for the opportunity to listen to conference and just have time at home to rest and recoup, it sure didn't work out that way. It was a bumpy weekend full of good things, but not what I had expected or planned on.

I find myself unfulfilled from the weekend, I feel just as raggedy as when I began the weekend, part of me thinks it was because I just didn't get enough uninterrupted conference time and part of me wonders if the answers I was seeking were actually to be found in conference. But to be honest, I'm really not sure what answers I should be or am seeking. So much of what I have prayed for in the past two years seems to have come, so why do I still feel discontented? Is it because a part of me lives in fear that it will come back again? Is it because part of me doesn't know how to adapt to this new set of good circumstances? Or is it because I still feel so overwhelmed by what is going on in the world and the things that "weren't fixed"?

I know that I should be happy, I mean come on more than half the talks between the Women's Conference and the sessions the last two days talked about finding joy in our circumstances, so why can't I find it? I do have gratitude for the good that has come into my life, I do work to pray each day grateful for the Lord's hand in my life, so why am I still grumpy?

Usually General Conference energizes me, but today after listening to the talks that I got to hear, I still feel empty, I still feel as if I am trudging through this life, doing my best to serve, but those efforts feel so limited and less than worthy. I found myself on many occasions feeling like every effort had missed and that I am still too prone to be grumpy, frustrated and selfish and I don't want to be those things.

And the real kicker of my tale is that for two weeks now the Spirit has told me to write a letter to Heavenly Father and see what He says back and I still haven't done it. I know it is Satan and his minions distracting me from this effort that has brought such peace and love before, yet still I don't do it, even tonight with the note book next to me by the couch I'm still not doing it...not from a lack of desire, but just tired out will power.

I know it is important to get sleep and have good nutrition because your soul is your body and spirit combined. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I felt it so clearly last Sunday, but once more I feel in the dark. Just yesterday I felt okay, but once more the dark clouds seemed to have rolled in.  Perhaps tonight really all I feel I can say is, it's okay to be tired, it's okay to feel you've missed the mark and it's okay to not feel like you can take on the world right this moment. If you can't feel so now it is okay to rest, regroup and try again tomorrow. Have hope that moments of love, peace and enduring will come and know that angels are surrounding you. You have thousands of angels with you, protecting, guarding and guiding you. You do not walk this life's journey alone. Go to the temple that holy edifice where your Father waits to greet you and just be in the moment, feel the feelings and then let them wash over and away from you.

Our efforts might be less than our best, they might seem downright miserable, but remember though our efforts are far from perfect we are loved by a God who is perfect and a Savior who loves perfectly, it is okay to be less than, because He has all we need to make up the difference, it is okay to stumble and fall for He will put us on His shoulders and it is okay to just feel done because He can jump start us again. Be what you need to be, then reach out to Him because He delights to heal and He delights to help us start again, to start loving again, to start putting the frustration aside and to heal again.