't pass the emissions even with all our extra driving. I knew Heavenly Father could get my car working as it needed to and I knew He could arrange things so that Christopher could get things in his mouth sooner, so I just couldn't figure out why Heavenly Father was taking so long. As I said I knew better, yet still I was frustrated and anxious feeling that so much of my life was out of my control, then add in being tired of always having to check in with someone else at work and I was feeling pretty beaten down. I also felt so confused, why if work was painful, why if things with Christopher weren't working out, why if I couldn't be in graduate school right now, why if I couldn't be holding my babies right now, why couldn't something go as I wished, why couldn't I have some sort of purpose).
As I walked back to my desk after the sixth or seventh question of my morning I wondered why I had been placed in this position, why, what purpose had me here. And then the Spirit softened my heart, so I could finally hear Heavenly Father say " you have been praying for the faith to see me, don't you know humility comes first and what do you think you are learning here?" In that moment my heart changed or at least began to, because now I wasn't in this position, denied of everything else, just to be taught to wait or because I had somehow missed some opportunity along the way. This was my opportunity, this was the Lord answering my prayer in the only way He could for me to prepare for what I hope for some day in the future. This humility learning process is necessary for me to develop faith and remember He is at the helm and I need to go to Him with questions to keep learning and growing.
As I shared that experience today a different phrase came to mind. As I spoke the Father spoke once more to my heart, He asked me "do you want your way or do you want my way?" I saw a brother's head drop out in the audience and his heart break for just a moment and I wondered what lesson the Lord was teaching him and then I wondered what lesson the Lord was teaching me. Especially considering that my O2 sensors/monitors finally turned on on Friday only to show my check engine light come on again (meaning my journey is starting over again in that regard, I tried not to freak out this time). And out of the blue my husband hit a rough patch, the kind that feels like darkness is pulsing through the house and I try not to let Satan's minions fill my head with lies, that kind that is exhausting to co-exist with, as a bystander I can only imagine what an attack feels like to the actual target. With all those things flowing through my mind today somehow that question brought peace, because it was a reminder that Heavenly Father did have a purpose, He does have a reason. Yes things sometimes right now hurt and they hurt ALOT. But it is part of the process. If we are to have encounters with the divine our rough edges must be knocked off, our mortality polished so that our divine DNA can shine through and allow us into the presence of Deity.
In the Book of Genesis Abraham is promised posterity as great as the sands of the sea, yet each time that promise is given, he isn't given a son, first he is commanded to move to Egypt and to tell Pharaoh that Sarai is his sister, so then Sarai is kidnapped (essentially) by Pharaoh to become his wife. Only a plague stops this from happening.
The next time Abraham is promised posterity (as far as I can remember) he and Lot have to part ways because their herdsman are arguing which leads to Abraham having to go to war to save Lot from foreign powers. The next time Abraham is promised offspring Sarai offers Hagar so they might both have offspring (this is part of the culture and custom of that time) and when Hagar conceives Abraham watches the women he loves fight. Then Abraham hears of the destruction of Sodom.
Then when Abraham is again promised covenant offspring he finally receives Isaac, decades after the initial promise, perhaps even half a century, only to have Ishmael attack Isaac and have to send Ishmael away. Finally Abraham has a covenant son and peace in his family. But wait, as Heavenly Father promises Abraham numerous offspring he asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, so Abraham prepares to do so, having faith God has a plan. Elder Hugh B Brown said "why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, because God needed Abraham to learn something about Abraham." Only after this test was Abraham's calling and election made truly sure. Abraham needed to know he would do anything God asked.
Why is little old me going through what I'm going through, why does there always seem to be something for all of us? Because little old me needs to learn something about me, and each of us needs to learn something about ourselves. In a BYU education week talk a brother said that though we must all be tested as Abraham that test might not be as dramatic as Abraham. We shouldn't go through our lives ignoring the little heartaches, anxiously waiting for the big Abrahamic test, because it is the little tests that prepare us for what is to come and perhaps it is a lot of little hard moments that add up to a big test that teaches us about ourselves.
What if we are Father Abraham, what if we are already on track to learn what he learned and do what he did? I don't mean this in a prideful way, we are taught to take the scriptures as our guide, why else are we given these examples if we are not to learn by trying to emulate them. Sometimes I think these examples are just so big and so grandiose, that we don't realize that they were just men and women trying their best and that we can follow their example and learn how to face trial and pain and develop faith like them, by trying to live like them and follow their example. Our Heavenly Father has a work for us to do and He needs us to follow the example of those in scripture to seek His face, to have our rough edges knocked off and to just keep trying. What if we are Father Abraham and mother Sarah in training (just read Hebrews 11, it's a start)?
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