So I'm struggling sharing tonight's post for two reasons, one because it feels like a repeat (I think I'm at a point in my growth where I am once again relearning old lessons in new ways) and second because I'm a bit embarrassed.
Just like at a job when you won't be there you have to make sure there will be adequate coverage, so at the temple you start calling looking for subs. Unlike at other regular, during the day jobs, when I call someone to sub for me at the temple I am cold calling them asking them to get up at 4:30 on a Saturday morning and give up their regular plans until 11 am. I really struggle doing that to someone, I try to be there for my shift because I agreed to the shift and it is an honor to serve, at the same time life just happens. Life happening meant that I was on a trip in California when I woke up to realize I needed a sub in two weeks (it is generally much easier to find subs if you ask well in advance before someone else asks them). So I started praying that I could find the right one, and got home to compile my sub lists and start phone calls. Well as I prayed for help in finding one who could do it, and was ready, I had a name come to mind. Well feeling that this sister was often over-utilized and feeling that I needed to do my part, I called and texted everyone else on my list instead of her and of course I had no success. In my efforts to "do the work necessary for a blessing" I missed the most important work, following the spirit. I had prayed for help, but didn't follow it when it came.
Fast forward past six names on my list and lots of sisters who wanted to help, but had either been asked already or were out of town. I spent a lot of time telling myself not to panic because the Lord was preparing a way, panic shouldn't overshadow my faith. That however required obedience. So with this sister's name ringing in my ear I finally called her, only to hear she might have other plans, but that she would love to do it and would let me know in a day or two for sure. So I finished my day a little concerned, but finally feeling peace that I had followed the Spirit, even if it was delayed.
Fast forward to today in sacrament meeting, I was feeling bad about some poor perspective I was dealing with in other aspects of my life, feeling a bit overwhelmed and uncertain. As I am in the thick of trying to process all this and not feeling that I had done what I could have this week my phone buzzes. I take a peek and see a text from the sister I asked to help me and she said she would be traveling that weekend. She then told me she had asked her sister who happened to also work at the temple to sub for her instead. She gave me her info and said everything was taken care of. In that moment I realized it didn't matter that I had fallen short, it didn't matter that I didn't think I had lived up to the blessing, it mattered that Heavenly Father wanted to bless me and I did obey and I am trying. As I pondered on His perfect timing, sending me to a sister that though she couldn't do it, she found someone for me and even asked me to ask her again in the future. This dear sister went out of her way to help me do my responsibility. The Lord placed in my path someone who He knew would go the extra mile.
As I pondered on that during the talks the Spirit whispered to me that I had once again underestimated how much the Lord wants to bless me. Even knowing I wouldn't listen originally He still answered my prayer, and helped me through the process to get who He needs to be in the temple that day.
Another quick example, as I mentioned last week I was struggling with balance, balance with money. Having grown up in an atmosphere of being economical I can typically talk myself out of spending money, even if it is something completely worth while and something I have saved for. Well last week Heavenly Father reminded me it isn't bad to do something for me, something that I would enjoy. So in my adventures at Disneyland I threw self denial to the wind and I did all those things I wanted to do when I was a kid. I got ice cream, had a delightful churro, bought two lunches in one day, and a dole whip, it was So Much Fun!!! At first I wondered how I could spend so much on something that would be gone tomorrow and then Christopher said we couldn't leave the park until I bought a souvenir for myself. I guess my point is, this life is about having joy and being kind to yourself. On top of that with all my worries last week Heavenly Father arranged it that I have the money I need for all my obligations and reminded me that I need to be kind to myself for He is even kinder to me than I often give Him credit for.
This life is about learning, growing and experiencing new things. Heavenly Father knows that we will fall short, He better than any of us realizes the difficulties of mortal life and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ He extends mercy and kindness. He knows when we feel halted and burdened down by our falling short and less thans, that doesn't mean He stands in judgement, that means He stands in kindness, it is time to allow ourselves to feel that kindness, to embrace His mercy. Our Savior stands at the door and knocks, not to yell at us or nag, but to hold us in His arms, to extend His empathy and to help us find the strength to try again tomorrow. Sometimes we will feel frustration, sometimes we won't listen as quickly as we should, sometimes our perspectives can become skewed and sometimes we need to rest in the Lord and know He has patience in us as we try again tomorrow. We have a lot of tomorrows for our progression.
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