Only An Arms Length Away

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we build a relationship with Christ. We have countless lessons and talks in sacrament meeting about walking with Christ and building a relationship with Him. We talk about reading the scriptures so we can learn Christ's attributes, we talk about praying to develop His attributes, fasting and praying to become more like Him. All of these things are immensely important we cannot draw closer to someone we do not know, we cannot claim to know someone if we do not understand their character. Yet I can know many different aspects of a persons character, their likes and dislikes and stories about their life and still not have a relationship with them. And when our leaders are talking about and exhorting us to walk with Christ or come to know Him I have a feeling they are really saying that we need to develop a relationship with Him, we need to know, not just be familiar with the idea, that He is our advocate with the Father, we need to feel the power of the Atonement in our lives daily, not just be aware that centuries ago He suffered in a garden for each of us. We need to know that His power is actively working in our lives daily whether we encourage it or not.

 We need to know that we have an ally in every aspect of our lives, not just sin, not just joy, not just the great despairs in our lives, no we have a friend who actually lived our lives with us, He knows us, not just what we like or dislike or are tempted by or what frustrates us, He knows us. We lived with Him and with our Father in Heaven before we came to this life, they watched our spirits grow, saw what were interested in, saw how we faced temptations and saw how we used our time. They took interest in us, we spent time together, counseled together and learned together. They know what we will do now because they know our spirits and because time doesn't exist for them. They can see our whole lives spread out before them, as we live day to day, they understand why we face what we face, thus they allow us to go through mortality and yet still weep with us in the moment, even knowing tomorrow will be brighter, they know now hurts so they hurt with us. We are known brothers and sisters, we are loved, we are cared for.

Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ walked into that Garden for us, knowing us before this life gave Him the strength to enter a garden of pain, of overwhelming emotion, both good and bad, because He wanted to walk this life with us. He knew that we would not completely understand the Atonement, nor use it as completely as we could, yet He chose that pain so that in our times of need we could turn to Him, we could use that love to change our eternity and also to change our every day. The past few weeks have been painful for me, I have felt isolated, unacknowledged, unknown, overwhelmed and not knowing what to do, talking to new mothers I realize I am so not alone in these feelings ( and no this is not an announcement), it felt like no matter what I did I was mad, sad, frustrated, lonely or confused and I didn't know what to do. I read books or watched tv late into the night because I just didn't want to think or feel anymore, I wanted to run and hide and yet I realized there was nowhere I could go, these feelings are simply a part of mortality, yet that seemed so unfair, what could I do. I knew academically speaking that the Atonement was real, that I wasn't alone and eventually it would get better, but that seemed really flat. As I have grown older I've come to learn about the many various and unique tools of the adversary and all of a sudden knowing academically wasn't enough, believing something happened two thousand years ago wasn't enough, I needed something more in my loneliness, I needed someone who knew me, who knew my pain and knew the other side of it as well. Someone who wouldn't place blame, or be impatience or get angry. I needed someone who would just be. And when I realized that I realized I already had that I just wasn't using it.

In our meetings we talk about improving prayer and we all talk about we only pray with our whole heart when we are in the low spots in life, when we are really down and can't see a way out. Which I see that pattern in my own life much more than I care to admit, but this isn't what I'm talking about. What I mean is really talking with our Father in Heaven, not pleading with heaven to send a blessing or show us a way out, but just saying "Father that really hurt and I don't know what to do, I feel so alone and so confused and so lost, where do I go from here?" It is an out pouring of thought, emotion, random ideas, confusion and eventually hope. Our intercessor with the father already understands all of these things and is simply waiting for us to give them voice. He walks this life with us, but He will never impede our agency, He waits for our acknowledgment to walk nearer our heart. He influences our lives daily, with tender mercies, flashes of life, hope, peace, understanding, sending the Spirit to guide us. But to truly walk with Him as an equal partner being as invested in what he wants for us as in what we want for us, that is walking with Christ, that is being real with ourselves, admitting we don't know what to do, sharing fear, concern frustration, worry, hope peace and joy. These last few weeks I learned that I am only as far away from  my father and brother as I force myself to be. The Atonement was meant as a very intimate, personal and daily gift, we have the power to invite that power into our lives everyday, we are not alone, we have the gift of company, we have the Savior we have countless angels surrounding us daily we are not without protection in this temporal world, from both sides of the veil. If only we could see through the veil for just a moment we would see the love and the help there and we would be so much more willing to reach for that help and love, we would access who we are meant to be through the power of the Atonement and that really scares the adversary. If he can keep us isolated, feeling alone and unloved he knows we're stuck, unable to progress. But we are loved and are  helped and are known, so go ahead and scare the adversary today, use your agency and your desire to reach for the love that is only an arms length away.