I think weekends are my time for learning, probably because all through the week I am simply rushing around to keep up and on weekends I have some time to breathe. And can I just say how important it is to take that time to breathe.
Can I just say that temple withdrawals are real. A lot of the craziness and struggles of the last weeks have all occurred while the temple was closed and I was feeling it. I hadn't realized how much until my temple shift yesterday. I had sort of been hoping that just walking into the temple would help me find the peace I had been seeking for weeks and it wasn't as forthcoming as I had hoped.
After prayer meeting (for the ordinance workers) I found myself in a training meeting for assisting with own endowments. In a moment of self awareness I noticed that I was leaning back in my chair, with my arms and legs crossed, with a bit of a feeling of "okay impress me, or teach me something" as I realized what I was doing I heard the Spirit whisper something to the effect of "I'm not here to impress you, are you here to learn?' I realized that my attitude of sitting back waiting to receive wasn't going to get me what I wanted, I needed to wake up, sit forward and open my heart to what was already being offered and what could be offered.
With that improved attitude my experience in the temple also improved. As I went to officiate in initiatory I was struck by the promise given to Aaron and to all of us (found in Exodus). That when we go to the temple we are washed, anointed, and we are sanctified. As I extended those promises to those who I assisted I realized that clean-ness isn't just a gift we receive on Sundays as we partake of the sacrament or at our baptism. It is a gift we can access everyday. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ each new day we wake up is a fresh start. Each day we can choose to grow, learn, try new things and become something different than the day before.
This doesn't mean that we won't make mistakes, we most likely will, as L.M. Montgomery said in Anne of Avalon "each new day is clean with no mistakes in it...yet". Each new day can be a fresh start. We don't have to stay stuck in old programs and dialogues, we don't have to be forever stuck in who we were yesterday, last week, last month or last year. Our Savior knows that we will make mistakes, it is the reason He walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and suffered for us, it is why He hung on a cross, He wanted us to be able to move forward. The inability to move forward, to let go of what was and embrace what was very literally dams our progress. Our Savior didn't want us to be dammed, so He bled and died for us, He gave us the blessings and covenants of the temple so that we could freely move forward.
As I offered the promises and blessings of the initiatory to those there I felt those same promises given to me. I felt my Savior saying to me that I could let go of the last month, I didn't need to hold onto the bitterness of the past month, I could heal the black hole inside me, I could choose the light and let the darkness become a long ago memory. I felt Him say to me that I can be clean, I can be clean of my sins of omission, I could be clean of the sadness, frustration and pain. I could become something new.
Having felt that for myself, I can promise you, He offers that to you too. It doesn't matter what you felt you have done wrong, it doesn't matter how many times you mess up, Christ's atonement doesn't just kick in as you stand at the bar of judgement, it is available to you each day as you wake up each day with a fresh start to try to do and become something new.
Forgive yourself for what was and embrace what can be, Christ is already there encouraging you to be more than you think you can be in this moment. He sees the big picture and He has great dreams for you. No matter where you are today, tomorrow is something new entirely.
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