No Anger ever Could

  I think I'm finally beginning to understand and accept that there are no magical solutions, that most things don't just go away. We cannot learn by having things go away, we learn by working through, learning and overcoming them. There came a point a few months ago when I was in a really low place and Christopher was in a really low place as well and I started praying that it could be over, that we could come to some sort of a conclusion and move on to the next thing. I just wanted it to be over, I was tired, I was done, and I was emotionally empty. At that time I felt my Father in heaven ask me a question, he asked "do you really want it to go away or do you want to learn what it being here can teach you? If I take this away you won't learn what it is you knew you needed when you agreed to come here." At that point I decided that I did want to learn what I needed and not put it off, looking back from today I also realize that I haven't done it as gracefully as I would like. I got a bit of a chip on my shoulder, feeling that too much was expected of me. I felt the burden was too heavy and having heard that I had things to learn, I felt I had to do it on my own, forgetting that I could still learn while involving the Savior.


  Now fast forward through three weekends of trainings, six weeks of therapy appointments, lots of writing and lots of hopes that things would magically get better for both of us...except they didn't.. Really all that I learned was that I am in control of my emotions and that I need to let myself feel my emotions. Those two things really didn't go together in my mind. If I was in control of my emotions, wasn't I just supposed to stop them before they went anywhere, but if I stopped them, then how in the world was I supposed to feel them.

   Then yesterday I realized something, there is a difference between feeling lonely, feeling sad, feeling confused, and allowing that loneliness, sadness and confusion lead to anger, resentment and bitterness. It depends upon the story that I tell myself or if I choose to not tell myself a story at all. I can't control my circumstances, I can't magically cure depression and anxiety, I can't force someone to talk to me or force them to be comfortable in unfamiliar circumstances. But I can respond with grace. I can accept that we all have limitations and we are all trying our best.

   The realization that I finally accepted is that I can feel loneliness, I can feel sad or even frustration and then let the emotion go, I don't have to hold onto it and fan the flames with past hurts and memories from months ago. Instead I accept that I am sad and I ask my Savior to help hold that hurt as I work through it and then it is gone. When I woke up this morning for the first time in months I wondered where the anger and discontent were, I wondered what to feel. Then I realized I didn't have to decide to feel anything, I could accept today for the possibilities it held for good and move on. And you know as I did that I found peace and the Spirit I hadn't felt in months. In choosing to feel and then let go I allowed space for the Spirit to speak to me again. I had missed that, I have missed having the Spirit as my constant companion. Friday night at Time Out for Women Tom Christofferson said something that softened my heart to learn what came yesterday. He said that there comes a time when coming to know Him (Christ) is more important than knowing why.  I saw that happen this weekend. It was more important for me to want to be near Christ than it was to hold onto the anger. We cannot hold onto anger and frustration and expect to be near our Savior, the ultimate example of love and meekness. He always desires to be near us, but the emotions we choose to hold onto can keep us from feeling the love He wants to give us.

  I realize this isn't easy, this has been a process of months of learning, pondering, and praying to finally realize that I can choose to let things go, it is my choice and a choice that brings a love into our lives that brings a comfort and hope that no anger ever could. I also realize that this will be something I learn and relearn and apply and reapply, but for today this is a beginning and one I am excited for.