This last week seemed to come down as a crushing weight, work responsibilities feeling as if they are getting heavier and heavier, feeling as if I'm failing at being a ministering sister and feeling more and more voices in my head demanding me to be frustrated with current circumstances, that I was in over my head financially, demanding that I am emotionally overwrought and telling me that I am all alone, that no one cares and that it is my right to wallow in self pity and anger. The thing I couldn't figure out in the midst of all that is what all those emotions were based on. When I would pause and really think about what was going on in my life I could logically trace myself away from all of those emotions, when I really thought about it none of the emotions I was feeling made sense nor did I really want to be feeling them. Yet I was so caught up in what I was feeling that I could almost convince myself to stay in the moment of the emotion.
It was in the midst of this whirl of emotions that I remembered my brain will look for what I ask it to look for. Because I was frustrated my brain was looking for things to keep me frustrated, because I was mad my brain kept looking for reasons to keep me angry. Last night after months and weeks of emotions building, I finally decided I was tired of being angry, I was tired of being frustrated and I was tired of only seeing the bad. So yesterday I asked Heavenly Father to help me see the good.
Though this coming Wednesday is the date of our anniversary, yesterday was the weekend in which we were married, so it was still an anniversary of sorts. I assisted a bride and groom at the temple yesterday and it was very special to stand in the room where I was sealed three years ago. Yet much more important was my time in the bride's room early that morning when all was quiet and I could look in the mirror and remember the excitement of that day three years before as I prepared to go up to the third floor and be sealed for time and all eternity. Oh the hopes and dreams I had that day and oh how naive that girl was for all that was in store for the years to come. The girl looking back at me in the mirror yesterday, was not the same one from three years ago, she had seen, and felt and experienced so much more than I ever imagined with the experiences of a few weeks ago just one of many. Yet as I looked in the mirror and thought of all of life's experiences I prayed to my Father in heaven to see the good. It is so easy for our brains to just hold on to the bad bits, to let the negative things overwhelm us, it takes work to look for the good, but I can promise you that decision to see the good changes our hearts and allows the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to enter our hearts, to ease the pain, to ease the sadness, to wipe away the memory of past tears and to allow compassion and charity back into our hearts.
Though this experience is heart changing it can take time. Yesterday morning may have been my declaration for change but it wasn't until last night, doing dishes in the silence in my kitchen that I finally put the voices to rest, I starved them by realizing that I am not without fault in all this. I am an imperfect being with my own struggles, frustrations and bad habits I fall back onto. It is not until I could see myself clearly for who I was and my own shortcomings that I realized I didn't have a leg to stand on for my anger and pain. And that I had spent so much time blaming and being angry I couldn't see the good that was actually happening. I was the servant who was forgiven the debt, trying to repay the forgiven debt by going after someone else.
None of us are perfect, we all have shortcomings, we all fall short of the glory of God, yet the more we reach to beat ourselves up and those around us, the more we only see the negative. Somewhere in the last year I had forgotten how to be kind to myself. Feeling that if I couldn't control those things outside myself, I figured I could at least hold myself to the mark...forgetting that I am human and that my Savior has mercy. In learning to forgive others as we see our own shortcomings, we must not forget to give our ownselves room to fall short, to admit we have limits, to admit we have short comings and to just let ourselves keep trying with the help of our Savior.
Our Heavenly Father sees and recognizes our needs, even when our needs might simply be a story in our heads. Sometimes He sends dear old gentlemen to pay for our lunch, just so we know we are known.
Just as our Heavenly Father and Savior extend mercy and kindness to us, they have asked us to extend that same mercy to others. I saw a very interesting post by Hank Smith this week he said "God doesn't tell us to cheer up those who mourn, He asks us to mourn with those that mourn." As we go through this mortal journey we will meet many who are struggling, who are worried, who are fearful, who are tired, who are weary and who mourn. It is our divine nature to want to help, to lift and to carry, but please remember, Heavenly Father doesn't ask us to carry them or cheer them up, He simply asks us to mourn with them. As someone who has had cause to mourn can I just say the person who said "oh that must be really tough, how are you?" did so much more for me and my flagging spirits than the person who said "oh you're tough, you can do it, there's a light at the end of the tunnel." When we are in dark places often we aren't ready to step into the light, but it sure is wonderful to have someone in the dark with us who has a flashlight of love and a listening ear.
I testify that we are known, that we are loved, that we see what we ask to see and that when we ask our Savior to help us see the good He will help us see it.
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