What are we holding onto?

 I've been dealing with some inner turmoil the last week or two, turmoil that most people in the middle of transitions face. I'm just really struggling with loving my body in its current state and loving my purpose, because right now I'm feeling very stuck. Each time I bring something new to the Lord he tells me to wait. With the summer half over (ish) and trying to figure out which future I am to build I'm feeling very much at loose ends. I'd so love to go on and get my masters and eventually do my PHD. I'd love to do research to my hearts content, late evening discussions about religion, education, toleration, perceptions of others and class. If not that then perhaps a phlebotomist or a job coach. Yet each new thought is met with a "just wait". My response to that just wait is, "what then"? You'd think about waiting nine months for a mission call, two years and 4 months for a wedding and seven years to graduate with a bachelors you'd think I'd be better with waiting. When I pause long enough between jumping from idea to idea I realize that Heavenly Father already has my future in motion. I think back to every job I've had so far in my life and somehow each time I have found myself in need of employment, the right opportunity always presented itself right when I needed. I need to have that same sort of faith now. Heavenly Father has a way of making all things right, but we need to give him the time to do so.

The other part of my mind that is causing me pain is seeing the wickedness in the world and feeling so powerless to stop or fix it. Every time I turn on the computer I am bombarded by wicked intent. Whether the news and hearing about a shooting or hate crime, or youtube and having nudity on adds when I'm trying to watch Studio C. In a world that seems full of chaos Satan would have us feel that we are powerless, that we are suffering bystanders that must simply watch as our world goes crazy. I don't know that any number of petitions or facebook posts with change minds. Though doing those things shows the Lord we will stand for truth and righteousness in all things and places and is an important part of us remaining un-spotted from the world. Just as important as those things is to realize that us holding that what is sacred dear to ourselves and keeping the faith and cultivating hope that this chaos and wickedness is just a small moment is also so important for our spiritual stamina. I so love these lines from Return of the King that remind us there are good things to hold onto.

FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam.
SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.
FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?
SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

In a world of hatred, confusion, fear, name calling and subliminal messaging what are we holding onto? We are holding onto a God in heaven who loves us, a Savior who atoned for us, a plan we supported before coming to this earth and a purpose we've covenanted to fulfill. The darkness may seem overpowering, but there is a light shining, it is filling the whole earth and the Lord's kingdom will come off conqueror. What are we holding onto? We are holding onto faith that there will be a brighter tomorrow, that God is in his heaven and all is well in the world. We are known, we are loved and we are never left alone.

The Race

Today has been a very powerful day for me as I have begun to realize just how important family truly is. I have always loved Memorial Day, wandering through the cemetery and learning the stories of my ancestors, those coming from across the sea for love of the Gospel, some almost losing their children for it. Yet after attending the funeral of my great uncle on Friday and reading the life story of my own grandpa today I'm realizing these aren't just stories of men and women from long ago that are interesting to pass down, no these are the stories of great men who sacrificed much for their country and the gospel and who have faced so much tribulation with a smile on their face. 

I have some very amazing great aunts who wanted to make sure that I knew who their brother (my grandfather) was even though he died when I was too young to remember him. Today I learned about his dedication to his callings, his love of farming and his desire to remain out of debt. I learned about a man who suffered through multiple bouts of cancer and lymphoma, who almost missed his youngest sons wedding due to radiation treatments, but because of the love and effort of so many, especially his wife that he made it to the sealing. I learned of a husband and wife who dedicated themselves completely to each other, who worked and served whole-heartedly in the hopes of somehow lightening the burden of the other. I learned of giving everything you have to overcome obstacles and to keep laughing, even when you fall and break your back.

Reading this story I saw quite a few parallels with my own life, perhaps not the exact experiences, but relatable feelings and even I have a back with its own set of special issues. We all have trials and tribulations, things that make us hurt, things that seem tax us, things that can overwhelm us. Reading how my dear grandparents handled it and how their siblings and my parents and aunts and uncles helped, gave me a whole new perspective on my family legacy, I am so grateful for that legacy of faith and endurance, humor, love and sacrifice.

The veil is so thin, the more we learn of those who have gone before us, the more we will recognize their presence still in our lives. Those taken from us on this side of the veil are still there encouraging us and aiding us in our time of need. They might have graduated from their education in mortality, but they are still connected to us and perhaps more aware of us now that they are no longer distracted by temporal things. Our dear Savior Jesus Christ, who has suffered our pain and sorrow and has seen our joy and hope provides his love and tender mercies through families. He who knows our every need has provided a plan that we will always be taken care of in our time of need. There truly are "angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above" (Alabama). There may come a time when we will be even more aware of their love and efforts in our lives. 

This is a poem my great aunts found, they say this is my grandfather to a tee. I'm grateful for their love and the opportunity to learn more of this man who gave me so much, an example of how to just keep going with a smile. I love you grandpa

The Race

 

Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
    my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
    excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
    or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
    and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
    to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
    was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
    the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
    and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
    Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
    which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
    and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
    his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
    “I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”

But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
    with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
    “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...
    but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
    “There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
    But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
    for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
    You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
    and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
    still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
    Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
    head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
    the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
    you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
    “To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
    the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
    And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
    another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

D.H. Groberg

The Legacy We Bring to the Future

It is so easy to get off track, in the words of the Christian movie "Courageous" it is so easy to take our hands off of the wheel and let life sweep us away. It is so easy to wake up one morning and realize that what we thought our life was is no longer accurate, we let ourselves coast and now we don't recognize where we are. This getting off course can happen in so many different ways, whether after weeks of ignoring the scale we find a number we're not a fan of, or when we are not being as kind in our interactions with others because we forget to wake up each morning and commit to following the example of our Savior, or we wake up in the morning and find the house a mess because we forget that decluttering each day can help the deep cleans so much easier. At whatever point we wake up and find that the circumstances around are not quite what we want we realize that at the heart of it all is a lack of accountability, a large part of following the path we want to be on, a path that leads us closer to our Savior and our Father in Heaven because it teaches us how to be like them and feel comfortable in their presence, we must hold ourselves accountable.

 In the case of not the weight we want, we weigh ourselves each day, not to beat ourselves up, but to track progress, to know what minor changes need to happen, instead of weekly (which then turns to monthly) which can then feel so overwhelming we can't even begin. For more loving kindness we read our scriptures daily to learn about the testimony of the being we are to emulate, a clean house is a matter of doing the dishes, vacuuming and dusting more than once every month anniversary. Staying on whatever path we need to end up where we need to go means being grounded and anchored to our hope and purpose.

The last few weeks I have been drawn to family history in a whole new light, not just names on a computer screen that tie to mine, but names attached to stories, grandparents, uncles, great aunts, these people all lived, they all have stories of faith, stories of learning and growth. The more I learn the more I feel their legacy and want to live it for myself. Family stories connect us to our past and point out to us either a path we choose not to follow or a legacy we hope to share with generations to come. Learning of our family, taking full advantage of this Memorial Day to remember all who have gone before can connect us to our past, gives joy in the present and hope for the future. I hope we can each connect with a family member in a whole new way, a new story, a new memory, to connect us to a story of love, loss, service and hope, this is the legacy we bring into the future.  Stories of the past can anchor us to the path we hope to travel. The legacy given us can keep us accountable when we may stray a step from the path. The hope of sharing the legacy the next generation down, the stories of their faith and sacrifice can help keep us on a path drawing nearer to God.

The Pure Love of Christ

I apologize for being a day late in a blog, for months now I have tried to diligently have something ready to post hopefully before 11 o'clock Sunday night. Well last night the plan changed a little bit.

Yesterday I had the blessed opportunity to hear from Pres Jensen, the temple president of the Logan Temple and Elder Fallabella of the Seventy. In this meeting the Lord touched my heart and reminded me that in my journey of trying to be like Him I might consider working on a few things. Pres Jensen asked us to take a moment and take an inventory of our home. He asked "is your home dedicated, do you have pictures of Christ on your walls, do you have pictures of the temple in your home, what items do you have on your hot cocoa table, are they items that when people enter they would recognize you are a member of the church, what media is playing in the background, does it invite the spirit, is there contention in your home, are there indentations on the floor in your bedroom where you and your loved ones kneel to counsel with the Lord?" Doing these things will invite the spirit into your home and make it a holy place, a place where you can learn the things of eternity and progress and grow.

I admit when he asked about the pictures on the wall I might have enjoyed a small triumphant smile for just a moment, my husband and I were blessed to receive many pictures of Christ and the temple for our wedding so I knew we at least had that covered. But when Pres Jensen asked about the indentations in my bedroom and contention I wondered if I could be quite as confident in answering to the Lord for those. I would like to hope that there are indentations on the floor where my husband and I try to kneel each night for prayer, but I'm sure I could put more effort in truly speaking to Heavenly Father and not simply assume I am leaving messages on a heavenly voicemail that will eventually be heard. And I'm sure that I could do better about having more charity in my heart for the crumbs on the floor and melted cheese in the microwave.

I've been praying for some time about how to better support my spouse and how to offer encouragement that can really make a difference. I received some answers to those questions, even if at first I didn't recognize it. Elder Fallabella shared about building a temple in Guatemala and how the saints sacrificed to help fund the temple, raising $17,000 more dollars than they needed as well as other special moments in sharing the gospel. Just as he was preparing to wrap up or so I thought, he began talking about obedience to commandments blesses us with the ability to learn more about our Heavenly Father and that one large commandment is to have the pure love of Christ. As he described the characteristics of charity, it suffereth long, is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, I realized that was the answer. I have been so focused on having the house cleaned in just such a way, doing the things that I cared about and seeking in my mind after what I wanted to do, I had forgotten how to put my spouse first in my thoughts, I had forgotten that where my thoughts are is where my heart and body follow.

We have been given the example of Christ like love, a love we covenanted to show others at baptism. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father took the time to remind me that I have a covenant that I can live a little better. In this case it means looking for the good, because as Pres. Uchtdorf said, it is easy to find the negative because we are all imperfect, but when we start looking for the good it is easy to find that as well. I hope that in all of our relationships we can remember to seek for the good, remember we are all on different points on the path back to our Savior and that we are loved, because of that love we and those around us can do amazing things. Truly charity never faileth. We have been asked to share that love.

Without you the plan is less perfect

Well it's that time again...Sunday night and I have no idea what I want to write yet. I'm starting this at eight because I have this new goal to go to bed earlier, so I can get up earlier and go for a walk before work, healthy choices come in all varieties and I want to give this one a try.

My parents give their daughters a gift for mother's day each year, even when we were single, usually a book or card with a message about our divine nature and the work of nurturing which is part of our divine role. This year my mom was at a bit of a loss at what she was supposed to get for us, until my sister-in-law gave her the book "To Mothers: Carrying the Torch of Faith and Family" by Elder and Sis. Holland. As soon as mom read that book she promptly went out and got one for each of us. At first I wasn't sure what to think, but the more I've read the more I have craved the message. We do live in a messy world full of darkness, doubts, fears and troubles, yet with our divine role as parents Heavenly Father has given us the powers of heaven to fulfill the role given. Though my husband and I are not yet parents, we are cub scout leaders to a pack of rather rambunctious eight year olds. We have been given the precious opportunity to serve these boys and help them learn things to be courageous, responsible and gospel loving adults. Though we may not have children in our home, we have the opportunity to set an example and show love.  Each of us has this same opportunity. There are so many in the world who could use just a bit more love in their lives, what a glorious opportunity we have to share that love.

There are times in our lives when we feel that life has dealt us a bad hand, that even though we know Heavenly Father is in control and know that he only gives us what we can bear we still feel as if he is over estimating our abilities. Sometimes we forget that life is a precious gift and that we have a purpose. I've forgotten that the last couple of days, I've forgotten that each day, no matter how discouraging or frustrating still has something good to offer. Today in His infinite mercy Heavenly Father sent me those reminders. In my patriarchal blessing He reminded me that I lived with him before I came to this earth, He told me I lived with him before coming to this earth and that because He knew me then and knows me now He has given me a work to do. He sent a book to me, by way of my mom, called "Women of Influence" which tells the story of a mother who lost three children to Cooley's annemia, even though the chances of having two children with it was supposed to be almost impossible. Even though her children knew they had a short time in this life, they knew they had purpose and they fulfilled that purpose. They dedicated the time they had to beautify their world and live each moment to the fullest. We will each encounter things in this life which will bring us to our knees and it is perfectly alright to take time on our knees to pray and regroup, to ask our loving Heavenly Father for his love, his strength and to rediscover our purpose. Heavenly Father has a role for each of us, He has a plan and a purpose and living that purpose and divine role can strengthen us and bring us peace, when we feel stunted or halted in our progress. It truly is an empowering thing when we realize the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has a place for us in his plan, He has a work that only we can do and that without us the plan is less perfect.

We are known, we are needed, we are loved.

It is Love...

So, it's been a very hectic week, the last of my late night paper writing for a while, for a very long while, working on a Special Collections and Archives exhibit for the library, a funeral, early morning temple, graduation and mother's day. Wow, I survived the week.

As I took time today to contemplate my week, the loss of my husband's uncle, a lot of last things, the love and support of family and graduation, the culmination of seven long (sometimes they feel very short) years of study and I realized a couple things.

Though I never met Veryl in this life I am still very blessed by his example and the legacy he left for his family. Being at his funeral on Friday I learned of his optimism, his dedication to his wife and of his service to his country in WWII. As I watched my husband help drape the flag over the casket with special care to place the stars over his heart and then watched the men of the Box Elder legion with exactness perform full military honours. As I heard the shots and taps hover in the air I thought of my own grandfather who served in Korea, of both men who fought for their country because they loved our land and wanted to protect  and serve however they could. These men and many other men and women in my family tree are examples to me of love, service and sacrifice, that there really are causes worth leaving hearth and home for. I am so grateful for that legacy in my life, from both sides of my family.

I've thought a lot about those seven years of my life, the friends I've made, the classes I've taken and the things I've learned, though I worked my way through and faced many a long night after closing work, a lot of late nights after precious hours with my husband, every night was worth it. It is important to sacrifice for the things we value, it is important to work hard in a world of entitlement and easy come and easy go. It is the work that defines, not the degree. I'm so thankful for parents who taught me how important an education is and who supported me, not with money, but with love, encouragement and food to eat and a place to sleep. Their example and encouragement got me here.

After seven years you'd think I'd be excited for a rest, but I already miss it. Studying, taking exams, writing and prepping for discussions have been such a large part of my life. Wanting A's and working for them have defined me since I knew what a GPA was, now I find myself bereft of that goal, but as my dear, husband has said their is a bright future ahead, it requires closing a door to open a new one, who knows what lovely things lie ahead.

As for mother's day, I am so very grateful for my mom. She has taught me how to love, how to serve, how to live by faith. Her careful care of her temple clothing for years showed me the reverence the things of the temple deserved. Her dedication to go each week while on my mission taught me that the temple can be a place of learning and peace. Her love and support of my dad taught me how to give in marriage, how to support my husband and spoil him too. My mother's prayers taught me I have a Father in Heaven who cares, who knows me, loves me and is active in my life. My mother and my father have shaped me into who I am, someone who knows that hard work and faith can change lives, hearts and our own corner of the world.

I am so grateful to be known by the creator of the universe, to have a family who knows Him, who loves Him and who has taught me to do the same. For it is love that heals, it is love that strengthens and it is love that brings hope for a brighter future.

The Parable of the Cell Phone

So confession time...every Saturday I work at the Logan temple and every week I walk past a sign that tells me to turn off my cell phone and every week my phone stays very much on and very much on silent. Yesterday I walked past that sign and finally felt a twinge of guilt that I hadn't actually turned my phone off, but I justified that I at least had it on silent, but then I couldn't remember whether my new phone that I hadn't quite figured out yet was on silent. In the act of pulling it out to check if it was indeed on silent it fell to the floor. My new smart of phone of one week fell to the floor, the back came off and the battery sprang out. I was terrified that the screen would be damaged and I'd be shopping for a new one. Yet when I picked the phone up the screen didn't have a scratch and the phone having lost its battery was effectively turned off.

Standing there looking at the phone I realized something that I thought was rather profound. I had already thought I should be obedient, but dragged my feet, so Heavenly Father helped me along to follow what I knew I should have done in the first place and he did it without any damage to my cell phone. I think that many times in our lives Heavenly Father provides us ways to follow His words and do what we feel we should even when we are hesitant and He does it in such a way to keep us from harm or permanent damage because He loves us. Yet if we let those moments continually pass us and ignore the mercy he extends us sometimes harm comes our way. Still the Atonement can and will make us new as we go back to Him and seek the help He always offers to us. So let us take Him at His first offer and allow Him to work in our lives for good and help us avoid the other possibilities.

But if we sometimes miss those gentle promptings and tender mercies and go blundering ahead trying our own way, I know Heavenly Father will still accept us back. I know He will still receive us and our efforts with open arms. It is never too late to return to the love and grace of our Savior. We are never so far gone or have too many haunting memories to return to Him and find peace. We are loved, we are known and we are forgiven, always and completely forgiven.