It is not yet the End

It's been a bit of a week, one of those weeks that went by so fast and seemed like it took forever. Vulnerability is a hard thing to tackle in a public sphere, that's why you have lots of comments in

Relief Society that are really vague, not because sisters don't have insights to share but because personal experiences that shape our insights and perspectives are just that, personal and usually involve other people. It is hard to find that balance between what is yours to share and how much to say without making other people awkward.

So today I'm trying for vulnerable, I hope that I do not share what is not mine to share and I hope I don't hit all new levels of awkward.

 Its been a tough week, one where I've usually spent every night trying not to crumple into a ball because I feel so isolated, confused, lonely and having no idea what to do in my life and what direction I should take. Being so frustrated because I felt so unvindicated, that no matter my efforts what I did didn't really matter and that I was all alone. Looking back from today I have a feeling I was really just murmuring and as Elder Renlund says murmuring is really just childish whining we do when we feel distant from God. I was so caught up in unfulfilled expectations and hopes I thought for sure that things would never be okay. I let myself count up every unreceived effort, every slight real or imagined and let myself focus on all I didn't get and I let it brew in silence. I let my dissatisfaction grow and let my emotions grow. Then one night I couldn't take it anymore, I went to the Lord and instead of laying out why I was feeling bad and explaining why I was vindicated in those feelings I instead said "Father I am so miserable, please help me figure out what I should do instead." Things weren't miraculously better, but I woke up the next morning feeling much better equipped for life and I learned two things, one sleep does wonders and two having gratitude allows me to see the good and pushes the adversary's influence farther away from the  heart. The more we focus on the negative, the more the adversary feeds us the negative and excludes our view from the positive.

Today I decided that I didn't want to be a whiny little child always complaining at what I didn't think I had or those supposed slights that gave me an excuse for poor attitude, I realized anew today that it isn't just poor behavior that draws us away from the spirit, it is what we choose to focus on. There is a quote I heard from a fun indie movie this week that hit me like a ton of bricks this morning "it will all be alright in the end, if it isn't alright then it is not yet the end." I was so focused on what I thought I deserved and that life wasn't fair that I forgot it wasn't the end and this week was just another step in my progress in this life. Elder Renlund says he is glad that this life is not fair for if it was then we would not return to our father, but because life isn't fair and our sins were paid for by our Savior we can return to our Father in Heaven. The adversary gets us so focused on what we don't have or what is happening in the moment that we can forget that the current experience is teaching us skills for Godhood. This life is meant for learning and growing, we don't grow in our comfort zone and we don't have comfort in a growth zone. It is the discomfort that forces us beyond ourselves. When we focus on the Lord we allow Him to expand our efforts and desires and His desires for us beyond our own capacity.

It is so easy to focus on what isn't alright and what isn't fair and to distance ourselves from Heavenly Father, the adversary uses that tendency against us. But perhaps we just need to focus more on the fact that it is not yet the end so it is okay that it isn't alright just yet.