A few weeks ago I talked about the voice that lies and thinking about what voice I want to feed. So of course that voice that we don't want to feed has been getting louder and louder the last little bit. Maybe louder isn't quite the right word, more persistent might describe it better. It seems like for every unspoken word, every missed expectation, every crumb on the floor, every unsure moment, every thoughtless word there is this little voice coming nearer and nearer to the front of my mind encouraging self-pity, frustration, sadness, loneliness and jumping to conclusions about motives. That voice encourages isolation, encourages your voice to not ask questions, to not seek clarification and if clarification is not possible to assume the worst. This voice is a cousin to the voice from a few weeks ago, but this one isn't so much about anger or frustration, this one feeds on loneliness and hurt, it wants to grow bitterness and isolation. I've been feeling very dark inside lately, feeling like trees growing over a garden path and the farther I walk down the path the trees grow closer and closer together blocking out sunlight...now these aren't happy spring time trees with blossoms and green leaves, these are like grumpy trees without leaves and are blocking out light by sheer force of branchy will.
It amazes me just how quickly that voice when we feed it can obscure light in our lives. We begin to think that sunshine is a myth, that life has always been lonely or sad and always will be. We can become so caught up in our hurt that we withdraw within ourselves and don't even try to fix it. The voice tells us we're stuck and we're hurt and we should just run away.
Yet all the while the Lord is sending us tender mercies, parking spots just before the end of the road, your mom gives you two delightful surprises in one day (man I love onion rings), you get a raise at work, the Spirit shows you how to fix your car so you don't have to take it to the shop and spend more money. We have to make the conscious effort to see the blessings. There comes a time when we have to decide we don't want to be the victim, we don't want to be grumpy, we don't want to be stuck anymore and then we go to the Lord and even if all we can say is "Father I'm just so tired and don't know what to do" he fixes it. No, what made us sad in the beginning doesn't magically disappear, but we realize the dark trees growing over head are being pulled back, that there is still sunlight and we see the tender mercies as God's hand actively working in our lives. So many verses in scripture say ask and ye shall receive, draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.
If we focus on the bitterness, the sadness, the isolation, the things that frustrate us, we build a wall the Lord will not scale, because our agency built that wall. When we use our agency and invite him into that wall He enters in and all of a sudden the walls that seemed so insurmountable have cracks in them and bigger cracks so that as we continue choosing light and continue asking the Lord for eyes to see tender mercies we find that though the circumstance has not changed the trees of bitterness that had taken root in our lives and blocked out the sun have been uprooted. But for the trees to stay gone we must rely on the Lord, trust his forgiveness of us and in turn we offer that forgiveness and love to others because bitterness is best combated with love to ourselves and others.
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