We chose this fight

To misquote a popular quote "these are the times that try men's souls The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink because it hurts a lot and even those who stand by in the midst of pain and trial will hope it will only come once in their life time..." 

I had one of those times this week and I'm not quite sure which kind of soldier I turned out to be. I faced things this week I had never imagined were in my future, I shed bitter tears of emotional pain, confusion, hurt and even anger. For the first time in my life I found myself wondering if Heavenly father really knew what He was doing. I knew He was there, I knew He heard my prayers but for the first time I couldn't get an answer. I've gotten no's before, I've gotten waits before, I've even gotten maybes, but never silence from the heavens. I couldn't understand why Heavenly father couldn't just give a little,  even now a part of me wonders why there can't be healing, why there can't be more hope, more healing more light. 

This last week has been one of the darkest in my life up to this point, I have shed more tears, faced more sleepless nights and felt more anguish for another human being than I ever have before and I have never felt more miracles from heaven and silence from my father above than in this week. In a blessing I received yesterday I was reminded that Heavenly Father doesn't allow these things out of cruelty or a lack of caring, He allows them to come because He knows what we need to grow and reach our full spiritual stature. I was also told that sometimes some circumstances require pure blind faith, to step into the darkness trusting that there will be light at the end, that I was not left alone to perish. 

I admit that on their own this counsel was not as comforting as I know it should have been. But in conjunction with a seemingly unrelated event it became comforting... I work the 5:45 am temple shift  on Saturday morning. Well as we are aware it was rather chilly, well down right frosty yesterday morning and I prayed anxiously that my car would start and it did. But I didn't ask that my car would shift and it did not. Three times on my way to pick up another sister and then head to the temple I prayed that my car would shift, three times it eventually did. Finally I made it to the temple, to face one final obstacle, my key was stuck in the transmission...there was still power in my car and I daren't leave with the radio still on or my battery would have been dead five hours later. So I sat in my car beginning to weep, for where was my Father in Heaven who hadn't simply removed the obstacles in my path? After the painful week I had had why couldn't driving my car to the temple just be easy? As I prayed, once more, words came out of my mouth I didn't expect..."Heavenly Father please bless that I can make it inside so I can learn about why I chose to come here to earth and face what I face". 
As I pondered on that throughout the day I came to understand that, I fought for this! I stood toe to toe with the minions of Lucifer and I said I wanted to come here. I stood with Heavenly Father and told Him that the individual plan He laid out for me was worth it and I wanted it. I fought to come to earth, to face trial and boredom alike, I wanted a body and I wanted experiences that would make me like Heavenly Father. I agreed to the week I just faced, I fought for it because Heavenly Father had a reason for it. I found peace there, even knowing I have no guarantee what tomorrow will bring.

Understanding who we are and what we chose before coming to this earth life can help us see Heavenly Father's plan unfold in our lives. Our minds might be veiled, but our spirits remember, we remember who we were, who we can be and what we agreed to face. The temple can help us clear away that veil and begin to understand what we can accomplish and what is at stake. We have important work to do in our Father's house, we chose this fight, now we need the tools to fight the fight we face. Our Father gives us those tools, but we must earnestly, as many times as necessary, seek His aid and help, even if it feels like you're praying for your car to shift for the fifth time in a row. He will answer and maybe its a matter of shifting your heart instead of your car.

We are coming to days that will try men's souls, we are coming to days that will make us question our faith. We were not saved for these latter days to quietly lay down and let Satan have his way. We were saved for these days and these times to exercise pure blind faith, to know that no matter what we face we have a guard of angels walking beside us and a Savior to meet us along the way, for we don't live in a world of guarantees. We were saved for these days because we were tutored in our Father's house, we know who He is, we know what He feels like and we know His nature. We are living in days when we must rely on our spirit's knowledge that God is good, He desires the very best for us, He just realizes best in terms of eternities, when we see it in terms of good night's sleep. We are known, we are cared for and we have angels as our guard and watchmen, know you are not alone even in exhaustion or the bitter watches of the night. Heavenly Father hopes for each of us that today can be the day we will see our Savior.