You don't reap until the season is over

Tonight I'd like to share a story shared by Sis Luthy at the temple yesterday, it is the story of Emmaline.  Emmaline was a pioneer in the early days of the church during the Kirtland period, her family joined the church in the early days in Kirtland and Emmaline married a young man who shared her love for the gospel. In fact after their marriage and with a young baby in tow they hitched up a young cow and an ornery steer to their wagon and rushed off to Missouri so they could arrive before Christ's second coming. They didn't see Christ at that time, but they did face many of the trials of the saints, and were eventually driven out of Missouri to a settlement around 12 miles away from Nauvoo. While working to build a home there a neighbor came by to inform them that a mob had come to the settlement to burn everything to the ground. With her husband working in the fields Emmaline had to take her four small children one by one and lead them away from the house to a place of safety, then pack what few belongings she had time for into a kitchen cupboard which she was attempting to drag out of the house as two members of the mob came up to her house. After much conjoling she convinced one of the men to help her drag it from the house at which time they scattered straw and burned her house to the ground. Her husband came home that night just in time to help her cook their dinner on the embers of their burning home.

The saints in Nauvoo hearing of their plight took as many of those as they could, stuffing them in basements and cellars through the winter of 1845-1846 as they all prepared to head west. Emmaline and her family were delayed in leaving with the saints seeing as she was pregnant and due any day. After the birth of their fifth child they headed west to a settlement midway across the trail. While resting there and preparing to finish the trek west the encampment was overcome by a cholera epidemic, Emmaline's two young daughters and her mother were overcome by the illness and died. Emmaline herself was struck by the illness and near death. At this time missing her young daughters she wondered if life were worth the fight, at this time a dose of quinine was sent to the encampment and Emmaline was chosen to receive the dose. She recovered and lived to raise her children and  young baby and see it healthy and happy. Her and her family eventually did finish the journey and made it to Utah. That young baby that she lived to raise is Sis. Luthy's ancestor, the faith of Emmaline lives on in the lives of her many descendants.

Yet this story doesn't end there. As Sis Luthy said there are some moments in our lives where certain songs should be the soundtrack. She shared with us that after finishing writing this history of Emmaline she was invited to sing (last minute) in the stake choir. Walking into choir practice she heard them singing a special arrangement of "We are Sowing" and heard these words:

   "Seeds by faithful souls remembered,

     Sown in tears and love and prayer;"

"Thou who knowest all our weakness,

Leave us not to sow alone!

Bid thine angels guard the furrows

Where the precious grain is sown,

Till the fields are crown'd with glory,

Filled with mellow, ripened ears,

Filled with fruit of life eternal

From the seed we sowed in tears."

That moment on the brink of death was not Emmaline's reaped reward for years of faith nor were the many years of goodness and blessings in Utah. Her blessings reaped from years of faith-filled sewing come in the many souls who have now risen up to remember her legacy of love and faith. 

Those were Sis Luthy's words and here are my words from my heart, there are many times in our lives when we feel we have reaped a bitter harvest, we wonder what was the point of all of our faith, sweat and tears if this is all we have to show for it. We will find ourselves wondering why we followed if following the spirit has brought us so much pain and fears. But as the spirit taught me yesterday, "you don't reap until the season is over, and the end of the Lord's season is different than ours". 

Seeds that fall amid the stillness

Of the lonely mountain glen;

Seeds cast out in crowded places,

Trodden under foot of men;

Seeds by idle hearts forgotten,

Flung at random on the air;

There will be moments of sadness and stillness, there will be moments where we feel we have been trodden under the foot of men, but that is not what we reap, that is simply another moment along the journey. We are not flung at random on the air, our Father in Heaven knows where we have fallen and He is preparing precious angels to guard and guide us, He sends the Holy Ghost to guard and guide us and our Savior Jesus Christ to provide the living water we need to survive. So if in  some moments you feel that all you have to reap is moments of bitterness and pain, remember that the Lord's season of harvest is different than ours. If it is at times still painful and lonely remember it is not yet the end, for in the end all tears will be wiped away, all hopes renewed, all pain made up and all peace will be found. We may have moments of sadness and confusion, doubt or fear, concern or frustration, but our season is not yet over and there are many gifts and blessings to be reaped as we near that great day. 

Lyrics

1.  We are sowing, daily sowing
   
   Countless seeds of good and ill,
   Scattered on the level lowland,
   Cast upon the windy hill;
   Seeds that sink in rich, brown furrows,
   Soft with heaven's gracious rain;
   Seeds that rest upon the surface
   Of the dry, unyielding plain;
2.  Seeds that fall amid the stillness
   
   Of the lonely mountain glen;
   Seeds cast out in crowded places,
   Trodden under foot of men;
   Seeds by idle hearts forgotten,
   Flung at random on the air;
   Seeds by faithful souls remembered,
   Sown in tears and love and prayer;
3.  Seeds that lie unchanged, unquickened,
   Lifeless on the teeming mold;
   Seeds that live and grow and flourish
   When the sower's hand is cold.
   By a whisper sow we blessings;
   By a breath we scatter strife.
   In our words and thoughts and actions
   Lie the seeds of death and life.
4. Thou who knowest all our weakness,
   Leave us not to sow alone!
   Bid thine angels guard the furrows
   Where the precious grain is sown,
   Till the fields are crown'd with glory,
   Filled with mellow, ripened ears,
   Filled with fruit of life eternal
   From the seed we sowed in tears.

When we cry, mayb, just maybe...

   After seeing darkness upclose and personally for an extended stay it can become rather easy to develop this idea that this darkness is just all there is and that it isn't worth all the expenditure of emotion. You figure that you've heard "I don't want to be here anymore" often enough that it isn't worth getting all worked up about or at least that if you just choose not to process it then you won't feel the pain and you won't feel abandoned and alone because you've heard it before, it is the "same old same old". So you just tell yourself it is better to be numb and you applaud your ability to just not be phased by things like that anymore, you are apparently made of sterner stuff. But then you begin noticing these small patches of darkness within yourself, moments where you know Heavenly Father loves you, but at this moment He just can't be bothered to care for little old you. Then there are these patches where you know the Atonement works, but only for everyone else not you because you feel really alone. Then you find days where you just can't seem to connect or feel at all and you feel like you are drowning under a well of emotion that is so convoluted and confused you don't know what it is or what is fueling it because hadn't you chosen not to feel?

     Well news flash self, you can't just choose not to feel, sure you can choose to make some of the ouch numb for a little while or you can realize it is there, but decide that the tears just aren't worth crying because you are tough and the ouch really is old news and there's no point in sharing with people anymore because you just need to learn how to cope, that pain doesn't go away, it just chooses a new way to manifest itself and in my case when I choose not to "feel" then I forget how to do it properly, I disconnect with what makes me human and I find myself in darkness. Then I find this well full of emotions I thought I had just chosen not to feel and it overflows and I begin drowning and it takes so much effort just to find solid ground again.

    Why is this I began wondering, what was this pattern and what could I do with it now I knew there was a pattern? Why the overflowing well? The Spirit taught me that it is a gift to feel, that is part of being a child of God in mortality, we came to this earth because we could only learn some things just by feeling with this physical body and not remembering the face of God and His eternal love for us through the Veil. We came because we knew feeling would make us eternal, immortal beings and we wanted to be like Heavenly Father. The Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ allows for us to feel forsaken and alone without those events being permanent, they allow for us to cry tears in the darkness and have hope because there is sunshine in the morning (both figuratively and literally). The Atonement helps us to grow and develop, but only when we choose to feel. Satan is a being who works in extremes, he either wants us to be so crippled with despair we believe that God either doesn't exist or has forsaken us or Satan wants us to just stop feeling and caring so we never connect with Heavenly Father for succor or relief. Our eternal nature isn't shaped by numbness or disconnection, it is shaped from crying in moments of agony and knowing our God is greater and He can heal the wounded heart. Satan doesn't much care because either way we stay in limbo never progressing and Satan really doesn't want us to progress.

So with this new perspective what do I do? So many kind and loving people tell me I need to practice self care, but to be honest, adversarial intrusion messing with my thinking or not, that idea made me feel selfish and being never sure what I would find coming home. So instead crying has become my new self care, crying tears in the day or night helps release emotions so they don't get bottled up inside and get stuck until they overflow. Crying gives us sacred moments in our lives when we work with Christ to "help make it better" no the problem doesn't magically go away, but in some sacred beautiful way we feel more able to meet it because we realize we can process it, we are strong with our Savior and we aren't alone, we aren't trapped in an extreme. When we cry, allowing hope to surface, we realize there is still life a head, there are still moments of sentimentality, there are still good things to come, even if they are brief, they are there and maybe, just maybe they will grow.

He does much more good from the inside

As you already know from reading my previous posts its been a bit of a something these last few weeks, for the first time in my life I have a seen a darkness in myself I didn't even know existed. I went from telling the world I never wanted to coast to doing just that, hiding from exercise and opportunities for creativity because hiding from the pain seemed like an easier option than trying to face it and work through it. It seemed easier to keep my heavenly family at a distance than to invite them in to face the ouches surrounding me. Yet this morning I learned two things, one, tears are healing and two, all we have to do is ask. I told my friend this morning that weekends have become my least favorite time of the week, today I realized why. Saturdays are my day in the temple so of course when I leave the adversary wants to have his counter and opposition to the joy and light I received and Sunday is the Sabbath day when I can take time to find my center, to ponder, to feel and to enter into the rest of the Lord, if the adversary can get me so busy hiding from emotions that I never process them, then I am hiding from the Lord instead of inviting Him in. Only Satan wants me to think Christ's expectations are too high for me and that I need to hide. Even if all I can tell the Savior is that I don't want to feel how I feel but don't know how to change it, He can change it, He can give me a new heart and He can bring light, love and hope in places that felt so dark and painful before.

A few weeks ago I was on a spiritual high, seeking learning from books, from conference talks and directly from the Spirit and during that time I felt to ask for something new so I didn't become stagnant, so low and behold the anty was upped and I've been left reeling, still reading my scriptures, listening to good music, writing in my journal, attending meetings and helping at the temple, yet I haven't been doing it whole heartedly, it has been piecemeal and with reservations, not my whole soul and I felt lost and alone. I'm thankful for an in-tune friend who reminded me that after trials come and often in the midst of them we see where we were before the trial and see where we are now and feel that we have come up epically short. But the point is, don't compare to where you were, through this trial you have become a new person with new perspective, understanding and heart, sure maybe you are struggling to find your spirituality again, but you are still breathing and moving forward and that is a fantastic thing. Don't try to go back to where you were, move forward from where you are. All things we face in this life have a purpose and meaning, Heavenly Father sends you through that patch for a reason, now take what you became and try afresh, be something new, embrace where you are and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if all you can do is seek to let go of the bitterness and frustration ask the Lord He can do wonders among you. He understands the ouch, He understands the frustration, He still wants your good, let Him help you find it again. He's always there even when you feel like running. He understands if for a moment or two he watches from the outside and that you struggle finding yourself, just remember, He loves you and He does much more good from the inside, not the outside looking in. The darkness may seem all encompassing and overwhelming, but seeking the light makes all the difference in the world.

Where and when we can find it

I really wish I knew what to say tonight, it is late, I am tired and yet I really don't want to stop an almost flawless run now...so I make no promises on quality, but sometimes effort really does matter.

Yesterday was a rough day, not because of any outside influences, life was for the most part good, maybe some chaotic energy, but I didn't have an answer for why I felt so alone and so overwhelmed. I knew I could be doing better things with my time and I could be in a much better place emotionally, but I had no idea how to get there...perhaps a ginormous dose of gratitude would have done some good, but I wasn't in a place where I was ready to take on that adventure. These last few weeks have been rather insightful to me as to what it means when you are just sad, you don't have an answer as to why, so there isn't a clear answer as to fix it. It is the first time that the answer to just tell Heavenly Father didn't help, because I wanted to hide from Him, and not because I felt unworthy or even mad at Him, but because I was afraid of what He would ask of me and I feared I couldn't give what He would ask. For the first time things felt dark and closed in...certainly I've had my share of pavilion moments when I felt like my prayers weren't getting to heaven, but this was different...this was me hoping that my prayers wouldn't get to heaven.

It is a painful thing to know you are in a place you don't want to be, you know you don't want to stay, yet you have no motivation to leave so you wallow and fear and wait. It isn't until the next day when it feels like the clouds have parted, you "feel" the sun is shining and life is okay that you realize just how dark things were. You embrace the light and try to stay there, yet sometimes those same feelings close in again and you are just as clueless as you were before. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father doesn't see us as children having a temper tantrum or sulking, no He sees us as much beloved children who for whatever reason are just having a bad day. Because He sees things in a long term He knows we want the light even if sometimes we don't know how to get there.

I am here tonight to say that the light does come again and that life will be okay...I realize that this darkness is so minor compared to many others, but I still know that it scared me because it was so new. Sometimes the "rules" of the game have to change for our learning to continue. I've been pondering this last week why the anty got upped on me and I realized it is because I asked for it, I thought back to a blog from weeks ago where I said that I'd rather face challenges with Christ than to coast on my own and guess what, He took me up on that offer. After asking myself just what I thought I was thinking saying that, I realized that somehow knowing I offered brought me peace, not because I am strong enough to do it on my own and not because I've done it gracefully, but because I am doing it with Christ. I am walking this path with Him and He is laying a carefully tailored plan and path before me so that I grow into what I can be, that is both an exhilarating and overwhelming thought, but I know I don't want to be forever where I am now, so I'm glad they trust me and trust each of us enough to give us the new things, to up the anty so that we can be more than we are and we can come to know them in ways we never would have imagined on our own. Even in the midst of the darkness I guess the trick really is to thank the Lord for the ride and look for as much sun where and when we can find it.