When we cry, mayb, just maybe...

   After seeing darkness upclose and personally for an extended stay it can become rather easy to develop this idea that this darkness is just all there is and that it isn't worth all the expenditure of emotion. You figure that you've heard "I don't want to be here anymore" often enough that it isn't worth getting all worked up about or at least that if you just choose not to process it then you won't feel the pain and you won't feel abandoned and alone because you've heard it before, it is the "same old same old". So you just tell yourself it is better to be numb and you applaud your ability to just not be phased by things like that anymore, you are apparently made of sterner stuff. But then you begin noticing these small patches of darkness within yourself, moments where you know Heavenly Father loves you, but at this moment He just can't be bothered to care for little old you. Then there are these patches where you know the Atonement works, but only for everyone else not you because you feel really alone. Then you find days where you just can't seem to connect or feel at all and you feel like you are drowning under a well of emotion that is so convoluted and confused you don't know what it is or what is fueling it because hadn't you chosen not to feel?

     Well news flash self, you can't just choose not to feel, sure you can choose to make some of the ouch numb for a little while or you can realize it is there, but decide that the tears just aren't worth crying because you are tough and the ouch really is old news and there's no point in sharing with people anymore because you just need to learn how to cope, that pain doesn't go away, it just chooses a new way to manifest itself and in my case when I choose not to "feel" then I forget how to do it properly, I disconnect with what makes me human and I find myself in darkness. Then I find this well full of emotions I thought I had just chosen not to feel and it overflows and I begin drowning and it takes so much effort just to find solid ground again.

    Why is this I began wondering, what was this pattern and what could I do with it now I knew there was a pattern? Why the overflowing well? The Spirit taught me that it is a gift to feel, that is part of being a child of God in mortality, we came to this earth because we could only learn some things just by feeling with this physical body and not remembering the face of God and His eternal love for us through the Veil. We came because we knew feeling would make us eternal, immortal beings and we wanted to be like Heavenly Father. The Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ allows for us to feel forsaken and alone without those events being permanent, they allow for us to cry tears in the darkness and have hope because there is sunshine in the morning (both figuratively and literally). The Atonement helps us to grow and develop, but only when we choose to feel. Satan is a being who works in extremes, he either wants us to be so crippled with despair we believe that God either doesn't exist or has forsaken us or Satan wants us to just stop feeling and caring so we never connect with Heavenly Father for succor or relief. Our eternal nature isn't shaped by numbness or disconnection, it is shaped from crying in moments of agony and knowing our God is greater and He can heal the wounded heart. Satan doesn't much care because either way we stay in limbo never progressing and Satan really doesn't want us to progress.

So with this new perspective what do I do? So many kind and loving people tell me I need to practice self care, but to be honest, adversarial intrusion messing with my thinking or not, that idea made me feel selfish and being never sure what I would find coming home. So instead crying has become my new self care, crying tears in the day or night helps release emotions so they don't get bottled up inside and get stuck until they overflow. Crying gives us sacred moments in our lives when we work with Christ to "help make it better" no the problem doesn't magically go away, but in some sacred beautiful way we feel more able to meet it because we realize we can process it, we are strong with our Savior and we aren't alone, we aren't trapped in an extreme. When we cry, allowing hope to surface, we realize there is still life a head, there are still moments of sentimentality, there are still good things to come, even if they are brief, they are there and maybe, just maybe they will grow.