Yesterday was a rough day, not because of any outside influences, life was for the most part good, maybe some chaotic energy, but I didn't have an answer for why I felt so alone and so overwhelmed. I knew I could be doing better things with my time and I could be in a much better place emotionally, but I had no idea how to get there...perhaps a ginormous dose of gratitude would have done some good, but I wasn't in a place where I was ready to take on that adventure. These last few weeks have been rather insightful to me as to what it means when you are just sad, you don't have an answer as to why, so there isn't a clear answer as to fix it. It is the first time that the answer to just tell Heavenly Father didn't help, because I wanted to hide from Him, and not because I felt unworthy or even mad at Him, but because I was afraid of what He would ask of me and I feared I couldn't give what He would ask. For the first time things felt dark and closed in...certainly I've had my share of pavilion moments when I felt like my prayers weren't getting to heaven, but this was different...this was me hoping that my prayers wouldn't get to heaven.
It is a painful thing to know you are in a place you don't want to be, you know you don't want to stay, yet you have no motivation to leave so you wallow and fear and wait. It isn't until the next day when it feels like the clouds have parted, you "feel" the sun is shining and life is okay that you realize just how dark things were. You embrace the light and try to stay there, yet sometimes those same feelings close in again and you are just as clueless as you were before. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father doesn't see us as children having a temper tantrum or sulking, no He sees us as much beloved children who for whatever reason are just having a bad day. Because He sees things in a long term He knows we want the light even if sometimes we don't know how to get there.
I am here tonight to say that the light does come again and that life will be okay...I realize that this darkness is so minor compared to many others, but I still know that it scared me because it was so new. Sometimes the "rules" of the game have to change for our learning to continue. I've been pondering this last week why the anty got upped on me and I realized it is because I asked for it, I thought back to a blog from weeks ago where I said that I'd rather face challenges with Christ than to coast on my own and guess what, He took me up on that offer. After asking myself just what I thought I was thinking saying that, I realized that somehow knowing I offered brought me peace, not because I am strong enough to do it on my own and not because I've done it gracefully, but because I am doing it with Christ. I am walking this path with Him and He is laying a carefully tailored plan and path before me so that I grow into what I can be, that is both an exhilarating and overwhelming thought, but I know I don't want to be forever where I am now, so I'm glad they trust me and trust each of us enough to give us the new things, to up the anty so that we can be more than we are and we can come to know them in ways we never would have imagined on our own. Even in the midst of the darkness I guess the trick really is to thank the Lord for the ride and look for as much sun where and when we can find it.
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