He does much more good from the inside

As you already know from reading my previous posts its been a bit of a something these last few weeks, for the first time in my life I have a seen a darkness in myself I didn't even know existed. I went from telling the world I never wanted to coast to doing just that, hiding from exercise and opportunities for creativity because hiding from the pain seemed like an easier option than trying to face it and work through it. It seemed easier to keep my heavenly family at a distance than to invite them in to face the ouches surrounding me. Yet this morning I learned two things, one, tears are healing and two, all we have to do is ask. I told my friend this morning that weekends have become my least favorite time of the week, today I realized why. Saturdays are my day in the temple so of course when I leave the adversary wants to have his counter and opposition to the joy and light I received and Sunday is the Sabbath day when I can take time to find my center, to ponder, to feel and to enter into the rest of the Lord, if the adversary can get me so busy hiding from emotions that I never process them, then I am hiding from the Lord instead of inviting Him in. Only Satan wants me to think Christ's expectations are too high for me and that I need to hide. Even if all I can tell the Savior is that I don't want to feel how I feel but don't know how to change it, He can change it, He can give me a new heart and He can bring light, love and hope in places that felt so dark and painful before.

A few weeks ago I was on a spiritual high, seeking learning from books, from conference talks and directly from the Spirit and during that time I felt to ask for something new so I didn't become stagnant, so low and behold the anty was upped and I've been left reeling, still reading my scriptures, listening to good music, writing in my journal, attending meetings and helping at the temple, yet I haven't been doing it whole heartedly, it has been piecemeal and with reservations, not my whole soul and I felt lost and alone. I'm thankful for an in-tune friend who reminded me that after trials come and often in the midst of them we see where we were before the trial and see where we are now and feel that we have come up epically short. But the point is, don't compare to where you were, through this trial you have become a new person with new perspective, understanding and heart, sure maybe you are struggling to find your spirituality again, but you are still breathing and moving forward and that is a fantastic thing. Don't try to go back to where you were, move forward from where you are. All things we face in this life have a purpose and meaning, Heavenly Father sends you through that patch for a reason, now take what you became and try afresh, be something new, embrace where you are and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if all you can do is seek to let go of the bitterness and frustration ask the Lord He can do wonders among you. He understands the ouch, He understands the frustration, He still wants your good, let Him help you find it again. He's always there even when you feel like running. He understands if for a moment or two he watches from the outside and that you struggle finding yourself, just remember, He loves you and He does much more good from the inside, not the outside looking in. The darkness may seem all encompassing and overwhelming, but seeking the light makes all the difference in the world.