I'm sure that this isn't news to anyone, it isn't new to me in my brief (yet full) life experience and I'm sure that it isn't new to anyone who has had much more life experience than myself, but I somehow thought that because of the many things the Spirit has been teaching me that somehow mortal life would no longer have its bite, but that isn't how it works. No matter how much we level up in our knowledge and experience mortality can still hurt, this is because this life offers us opportunities to progress to prepare for eternity and leveling-up once isn't enough preparation. I'm afraid I'm not explaining this very well.
This life has been specifically designed to help us reach who we are meant to be, and when I say that I don't mean who we think we can be, I mean who Heavenly Father thinks we can be and that is an entirely different story. Now I've mentioned spiral progression before, but what can be more disheartening is not spiral progression, but plain cyclical progression when you think you've conquered something only to realize that it still bugs you and you still don't handle that particular upset as well as you know you should.
This has been a painful week for me in more ways than one. A dear uncle passed away last week and though in the moment I had all the eternal perspective I could hope for in the moment, since then it has settled in that though I will see him again there are still many miles to go before that can happen and it is the in between miles that are the painful ones. And though I also believe and know of a Spirit world that is very close to this one and of loved ones beyond the veil that really aren't that far away, sometimes I just really miss mortal hugs.
We received the news a few weeks ago that my husband, due to infections in most of his teeth, would need to have them all removed and he would need to get implants to preserve his jawbone health and so that he can chew. Though I am Very grateful for the wonders of modern medicine that gives him hope for teeth even once all of his are gone and I am very grateful for family members who are glad to assist this in this adventure, I am still scared and concerned for this process, even though I am not the one having all of my teeth removed. I know it will be a painful process both physically and psychologically and so far I'm afraid I have not been handling well what I know is to come.
Sometimes the human heart can be a very dark place as we wrestle with fears, frustrations, anger, resentment and grief, especially because grief over the loss of a loved one or the loss of a loved one we had not yet met can pluck at the heartstrings but be disguised with so many other emotions. Sometimes because of the vagaries of life we feel we are isolated in our version of our grief and frustration, we feel frustration because those around us cope by going internally when our grief needs external expression. Sometimes we can hate ourselves for our selfish pettiness and sometimes we feel lost in a maelstrom of loneliness, regret, frustration and fear. And sometimes the knowledge we have of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who understands our pain doesn't help because all of these emotions and the entities that love to stir them up to even greater heights have clouded our vision and blocked our ability to feel that love and to have hope that it truly will be okay again. It isn't an intellectual doubting, it is simply a lack of feeling when that feeling of peace is what we need most. Sometimes we can spend hours in prayer and still find no relief, we are still angry, we are still frustrated, we still feel trapped by circumstances and no that we are truly powerless to change circumstances or force the agency of someone else.
What do we do in these moments? Well we can try self-pity, but as one who has tried that a lot this last week I suggest there is a better option, there is a Savior willing to take our burdens, but it requires that we are willing to set those burdens down. It requires us to ask for help using the tools we know we have. Now this takes me back to where I started in the beginning. No matter how much we know mortality can still be painful, no matter our testimony things can still take our breath away and leave us gasping for breathe. Not because we don't have a testimony, but because that testimony must be stretched in order for us to grow, because sometimes pain does last through the night, because we are held accountable to our greater knowledge and we must use it, even when we are tired and really just want to curl up into a little ball. As we seek to progress, to learn and to grow, trials of greater and greater size will come to us, because we have chosen the path of becoming like our Savior, if we are to follow the Son of God who descended below all things we too must be willing to descend below all things, but our gift is that we know we do not descend alone. As we seek to become the divine that is within us, we must change the parts of our DNA that reside in the natural man realm. As we seek to become all that the Father is our nature must change, at that happens at the very fabric of our existence, this isn't easy and as a dear friend told me tonight there will always be opposition, partly because of the telestial realm in which we live and partially because Satan doesn't want more beings of light in this telestial sphere, he wants us milling around in darkness, not ascending to the skies, gaining the attributes and the ability to call down the powers of heaven in our behalf.
This life is meant to test and try us, there will be moments of darkness, there will be moments of fear, frustration, sadness and there will always be need for forgiveness, yet when we hold to our Savior, when we lay our burdens at His feet (when we consciously work to give Him the ouch and the soul searing pain), our life will not magically become easy, but it will become bearable and there will be peace and I can do so very much when I have peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment