Let it be said "I didn't do it my way"

  Tonight I thought for sure that I was going to talk about my adventures at the airshow yesterday. I had the delightful opportunity to go to the airshow on Hill Air Force Base. I enjoyed seeing the planes do their aerobatics through the skies and seeing just what planes from many decades can do. Yet the highlight of the program for me was watching the Thunderbirds scream through the sky and listening to songs singing of our great nation and of the soldiers who have fought for it.
   I wanted to talk about our need to support our nation, to not just be caught up in media whirlwinds, but to also see the good and to build the ideals of our nation, to truly build the ideals of justice, liberty, and freedom for all.
    Yet in writing a much more long winded version of that I realized something. It is easy to talk big and much harder to give. For the last month I have been working to go to bed earlier, I've fought it, I've cried, I've been frustrated and for all of my "trying" I maybe gained five minutes on my typical bedtime (I guess I haven't stayed up til one reading since, so that is a win) I haven't succeeded as much as I would like. Now Sis Eubank in speaking to missionaries at the MTC mentioned that most people give up on something if they don't succeed within the first two weeks (this is an incredibly rough summary of what she said). I have seen this pattern in my own life, I want changes to come easily and when they don't I tend to give up, but I don't want to give up this time, because the real lasting changes take time to take effect and I want this change to take effect in a bit way.
   As I have talked to some of the people in my corner this week and really tried to understand why I am struggling to go to bed I realized some things about myself that weren't very flattering, but still necessary. Sometimes in life we can be selfish, sometimes we can desire our own tit for tat and in seeking to "win" in one area, we ultimately lose in the areas that really matter. Because I was frustrated at how some things were playing out I was choosing staying up late as my stand, even knowing that I should go to bed. I was wanting so desperately to do something for me, that I was tired all the time, felt over-worked, under appreciated and feeling a strain in my marriage, most of which was my own creation because I was choosing not to head to bed earlier and have more undivided time with my spouse. It is both funny and sad how Satan uses our desire to do something for ourselves (we do need to practice self care) and turn it into a stumbling block in our relationships and progression.
    Imagine both my joy and dismay when I woke up this morning, after having gone to bed with my spouse, before 11 o'clock and we actually went to bed together, and felt things feel better, less tension and less a desire to jump to unfair conclusions. I'm not saying that things miraculously cured themselves, I still feel some frustration when some of my hopes for things don't bear fruit and that I really wish less water ended up on the floor when my husband helps with the dishes, yet when I finally decided to stop cutting off my nose to spite my face I allowed the Spirit to be more a force in my home and Satan to have less power in my home and marriage.
    I'm sure that I still have more than two weeks to keep trying to establish this good habit of going to bed and giving undivided attention to my spouse. It will take time, it will take effort and it will take reminders because I haven't conquered my desire to still want my own way. But in a world where I can only control what I do, I ultimately want to do what brings the Spirit into my life and gives me a fighting chance against Satan and his desires to see me miserable. In 1969 Frank Sinatra popularized the song "I did it my way", I hope that today in 2018 I can remember that my way doesn't really get me where I want to go. Yes one day I hope some circumstances are different, but for now I only have control of me, I hope I choose the Savior's way, that I love, that I am humble and that I choose the better part to give up a small thing for something so much better. Let it be said "I didn't do it my way".

I hope we choose love

    Once more I find myself on a Sunday night facing a blank post page and wondering what in the world I intend to write. It's not that I don't have plenty of different topics and ideas rolling around in my head. Writing a post about reasons why we are so drawn to super hero movies (my idea is that it is because our divine nature tells us that we are made to do spectacular things, that faith can move mountains and that as we live faithful we can expect the companionship of angels and do things that seem so sci fi or fantasy, but really are part of our birthright {instantaneous transportation for one, the ability to alter history for another}given time, faith and learning).

    Or a post about decisiveness, I'm so tired of the hatred all around me, yes I realize I have my own preconceived notions I have much to do to overcome incorrect stereotypes and to see people as they are, God's children. It isn't any wonder that in a time when we are to be preparing for Zion that we are seeing more and more divisions and what seems like really good reasons for division. Please, please be kind. I admit I feel really helpless to make changes, but I do know that what is happening isn't good and kindness and love to all those we encounter can and does go a very long way. I just wish we could learn to be kind or better yet, unlearn all the hate, bitterness, judgement, and natural man and simply choose our divine nature, to remember the love Christ offers us and to offer it to others. I've been feeling some frustration this week at just how insidious temptation has become. I look at books from some of my favorite authors and all I see is sex, plugs for non heterosexual relationships, and violence, and this is in a young adult book. I am very tired of being surrounded by things that I know are not things that can lead to eternal progression.
   Today however, sitting in sacrament meeting while a sister talked about not letting politics divide us or causing us to judge others I thought about Christ talking with the Samaritan woman at the well. He knew that she lived a life very far from the one he taught about each day. She lived a religion that many in Israel viewed as a knock off of the true religion of Abraham and that she had known (biblically speaking) many men, yet He took the time to talk to her. He saw her worth as someone who had gone through so much, yet kept enduring and trying and someone who had a spark of faith and just needed something to help her. I am not saying that we surround ourselves with that which is immoral or temptations that can wear us down to poor decisions overtime. But we can give attention and we can give love to those who feel on the fringes and those that feel beat up by life. If a book I read portrays a relationship that I wouldn't consider for myself, perhaps it is one that someone needs to know is out there because they feel alone, forsaken and strange.
   Ultimately this life is much more about how I loved people than how I judged them. Yes there are commandments we obey to have the Spirit of the Lord with us to guide us and I'm pretty sure that the first commandment is to love the Lord thy God and the second is to love our neighbor as ourselves. Love doesn't see boundaries or limitations, but it does see hurt and sadness and seeks to alleviate them. I hope that as we seek to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ we choose love. We may one day regret being too distracted or too harsh, but I don't think we will ever regret having too much love. In my heart I think love is going by the Spirit for the best good...and I would guess that the Spirit will tell us to follow our Savior and love.

   We all carry hurts inside us, and we don't know what hurts others carry. Just because someone else's burden looks different to you doesn't make it any less of a burden to the person carrying it. We have no right nor place to judge you for what a hurt might have led you to. Instead I can love, I can share your burden and hopefully help you through.

What we become matters infinitely more

I am really struggling tonight. I'm not sure how I had such a full week and now feel as if I have nothing to show for it. I mean, yes I worked a full week, I enjoyed time with Christopher in the evenings, I enjoyed time up in this mountains this weekend, but I don't feel as if I have come away with some great big take away. As I've been pondering what to write about this week I really just felt like I've been in a battle. And perhaps that is what I am to write about and to come to understand. Sometimes no matter how grand your intentions or desires life is just a battle.



I am still working on getting to sleep and working to stay at a healthier weight for myself that doesn't involve bagels everyday for a mid-morning snack. No matter my good intentions and trying to set ground rules for myself I still stayed up 'til midnight two times this last week and had more snacks and desserts than was probably best. So what do you do when you don't meet your  own expectations and your own efforts just don't seem to be enough. Well for me this week I had to take my silver linings, the first that even though I did stay up til midnight I kept myself from finishing the books, I haven't done that in a long time. The second is that I did manage to tell myself no and learned the importance of honesty with myself. I am disappointed with myself that I am not farther along in my efforts, but things that matter take time, developing good habits after establishing bad ones takes at least twice the time if not more to get them to really stick and I do want this new habits to stick.

In a world where it feels like temptation is creeping out of the most innocuous places and the adversary is constantly on the hunt to exploit our weaknesses, perhaps being kind to ourselves is a necessary place to start. Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect the first time and with some vices perhaps He is just excited that we made it on the 77th. Perfection isn't about being perfect, having a perfect record, but about wholeness and completeness. About the person we have become, the experiences we have undergone and the understanding we have gained about ourselves and others are what help us become complete. Heavenly Father is interested in us as a complete package, as a mind, a heart, a soul, not just a shiny veneer. He wants us all in, up against the mountains to climb and the tears in the night. So what that I am still learning to tell myself no, this battle in this moment is helping me to learn about me, to find my triggers, to find my weaknesses and to painstakingly work with them so that they can become strengths. It isn't about the fight we are up against, but our desire to keep fighting. Heavenly Father can't do anything with a parked car, but He can do wonders with one that is trying to get into traffic.

So tonight I tell myself and all those reading this blog, be kind to yourself. This life isn't about mortal struggles, it is about learning ourselves so we can keep learning and growing on an eternal scale. What we do here does matter very much, but what we become matters infinitely more. Invite Heavenly Father into the becoming and you will surprise even yourself.

To Return

 

  I really just have a question tonight, a question that I hope you will take a lot of time to ponder on and answer for yourselves. In asking this question I will most likely posit and answer or two, but this is a question that we can only answer individually.

   My question tonight is, do we really want to return to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? And if we aren't sure how to go about answering that question, how can we go about shoring up our desire to see our Father in Heaven and Savior once more?

   Maybe some of you are wondering what is wrong with me right now, maybe you're thinking "of course I want to return to Father in Heaven, why don't you?" I'm not saying I don't want to see them again, so I guess I'd best give some background to this question.

   As I was visualizing what it would be like to stand before my Savior and questioning where I was in that process I felt very overwhelmed by how far I felt from that worthy goal, I felt as if I was falling short in every area of my life. As you know two weeks ago I began the goal of putting more focus on my sleep time and getting sufficient rest....it has not been going well. And it has been rather disheartening. Because I feel I am failing in that area I then feel as though I am falling short in many other areas as well. So standing before my Father in Heaven felt very overwhelming in that moment. I've been feeling very engaged in day to day affairs and realized that though I was standing visualizing my Savior, I had lost my why of what was driving me to want to see Him and the why of seeing my Father again. And I asked myself, why do I want to see my Father again, what draws me to want to be in His presence again?

   That changed my focus on a lot of what I've been doing. I've been trying to become more like my Savior, to smooth off my rough edges and to be better, but I'd forgotten why. I'd forgotten that I once lived with my Father in Heaven, that I had once lived in His mansion on high, that I crawled upon His knee and asked Him to teach me about creation, to show me the cycle of Godhood and show me the wonders of helping intelligences progress to spirit bodies and eventually mortal bodies, resurrection and Godhood. We talked about my divine potential and how I could become like Heavenly Mother, being a nurturer of souls, and blessing the lives of others. I had forgotten how exciting it is to bless the lives of others and how the doctrines I just mentioned thrill my soul. Simply put I had allowed Satan to cloud my mind.
   With this renewed understanding and desire came the crushing realization that I really can't do everything I need to do in order to see my Savior again, there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all I feel I need to do. I was reading a Christian Fiction book this week in which a sister from Czechoslovakia who had immigrated to Chicago was looking for a church who taught salvation through Christ plus nothing* and I have thought a lot about that idea this week. I have long struggled with the Latter-Day Saint view of works and salvation, because the break down between covenants and the work of Christ in the garden and the cross has never made complete sense. I couldn't understand why I live covenants if Christ's gift is necessary for salvation and exaltation. Somehow baptism and temple work have always added an element of work to salvation. This week I think I caught a glimpse of a new angle I hadn't seen before....I can't work my way to heaven, no amount of good things will return me to Heavenly Father, no amount of sheer effort will bring me to my Savior, going to the Savior and asking His help to draw me nearer to Him will draw me nearer to Him. And I have to tell you I struggle even writing this tonight, because I know covenants are necessary, I know keeping commandments are necessary, I know fulfilling my calling to the best of my ability is important, yet they still are not enough. None of the things I just mentioned are enough without the Savior in the equation, He makes doing all of these things meaningful and gives them purpose. Perhaps living laws and keeping commandments are part of helping me prepare to be more comfortable in the presence of my Savior, perhaps training for a life to come. Either way Christ makes it all possible, and through Him I can live them.

   I wish I knew what my point is tonight, maybe I was hoping that I could write my way to understanding, maybe because there is just too much inside me to keep there and maybe I needed to see what was rolling around in my head.
  What I do know is that no matter what I do I can't work my way to heaven, I can't change by myself. I may be feeling broken at the moment, but that doesn't mean I am lost forever. I may have fallen short of the mark, but Heavenly Father doesn't want my despair because He offers hope for another day. Our Father is infinitely merciful and delights in being merciful. I know He loves us and I know He sent us a Savior so that we don't have to stay lost, we don't have to feel broken and we don't have to feel a failure.




*Sophie's Heart by Lori Wick