What we become matters infinitely more

I am really struggling tonight. I'm not sure how I had such a full week and now feel as if I have nothing to show for it. I mean, yes I worked a full week, I enjoyed time with Christopher in the evenings, I enjoyed time up in this mountains this weekend, but I don't feel as if I have come away with some great big take away. As I've been pondering what to write about this week I really just felt like I've been in a battle. And perhaps that is what I am to write about and to come to understand. Sometimes no matter how grand your intentions or desires life is just a battle.



I am still working on getting to sleep and working to stay at a healthier weight for myself that doesn't involve bagels everyday for a mid-morning snack. No matter my good intentions and trying to set ground rules for myself I still stayed up 'til midnight two times this last week and had more snacks and desserts than was probably best. So what do you do when you don't meet your  own expectations and your own efforts just don't seem to be enough. Well for me this week I had to take my silver linings, the first that even though I did stay up til midnight I kept myself from finishing the books, I haven't done that in a long time. The second is that I did manage to tell myself no and learned the importance of honesty with myself. I am disappointed with myself that I am not farther along in my efforts, but things that matter take time, developing good habits after establishing bad ones takes at least twice the time if not more to get them to really stick and I do want this new habits to stick.

In a world where it feels like temptation is creeping out of the most innocuous places and the adversary is constantly on the hunt to exploit our weaknesses, perhaps being kind to ourselves is a necessary place to start. Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be perfect the first time and with some vices perhaps He is just excited that we made it on the 77th. Perfection isn't about being perfect, having a perfect record, but about wholeness and completeness. About the person we have become, the experiences we have undergone and the understanding we have gained about ourselves and others are what help us become complete. Heavenly Father is interested in us as a complete package, as a mind, a heart, a soul, not just a shiny veneer. He wants us all in, up against the mountains to climb and the tears in the night. So what that I am still learning to tell myself no, this battle in this moment is helping me to learn about me, to find my triggers, to find my weaknesses and to painstakingly work with them so that they can become strengths. It isn't about the fight we are up against, but our desire to keep fighting. Heavenly Father can't do anything with a parked car, but He can do wonders with one that is trying to get into traffic.

So tonight I tell myself and all those reading this blog, be kind to yourself. This life isn't about mortal struggles, it is about learning ourselves so we can keep learning and growing on an eternal scale. What we do here does matter very much, but what we become matters infinitely more. Invite Heavenly Father into the becoming and you will surprise even yourself.