Let it be said "I didn't do it my way"

  Tonight I thought for sure that I was going to talk about my adventures at the airshow yesterday. I had the delightful opportunity to go to the airshow on Hill Air Force Base. I enjoyed seeing the planes do their aerobatics through the skies and seeing just what planes from many decades can do. Yet the highlight of the program for me was watching the Thunderbirds scream through the sky and listening to songs singing of our great nation and of the soldiers who have fought for it.
   I wanted to talk about our need to support our nation, to not just be caught up in media whirlwinds, but to also see the good and to build the ideals of our nation, to truly build the ideals of justice, liberty, and freedom for all.
    Yet in writing a much more long winded version of that I realized something. It is easy to talk big and much harder to give. For the last month I have been working to go to bed earlier, I've fought it, I've cried, I've been frustrated and for all of my "trying" I maybe gained five minutes on my typical bedtime (I guess I haven't stayed up til one reading since, so that is a win) I haven't succeeded as much as I would like. Now Sis Eubank in speaking to missionaries at the MTC mentioned that most people give up on something if they don't succeed within the first two weeks (this is an incredibly rough summary of what she said). I have seen this pattern in my own life, I want changes to come easily and when they don't I tend to give up, but I don't want to give up this time, because the real lasting changes take time to take effect and I want this change to take effect in a bit way.
   As I have talked to some of the people in my corner this week and really tried to understand why I am struggling to go to bed I realized some things about myself that weren't very flattering, but still necessary. Sometimes in life we can be selfish, sometimes we can desire our own tit for tat and in seeking to "win" in one area, we ultimately lose in the areas that really matter. Because I was frustrated at how some things were playing out I was choosing staying up late as my stand, even knowing that I should go to bed. I was wanting so desperately to do something for me, that I was tired all the time, felt over-worked, under appreciated and feeling a strain in my marriage, most of which was my own creation because I was choosing not to head to bed earlier and have more undivided time with my spouse. It is both funny and sad how Satan uses our desire to do something for ourselves (we do need to practice self care) and turn it into a stumbling block in our relationships and progression.
    Imagine both my joy and dismay when I woke up this morning, after having gone to bed with my spouse, before 11 o'clock and we actually went to bed together, and felt things feel better, less tension and less a desire to jump to unfair conclusions. I'm not saying that things miraculously cured themselves, I still feel some frustration when some of my hopes for things don't bear fruit and that I really wish less water ended up on the floor when my husband helps with the dishes, yet when I finally decided to stop cutting off my nose to spite my face I allowed the Spirit to be more a force in my home and Satan to have less power in my home and marriage.
    I'm sure that I still have more than two weeks to keep trying to establish this good habit of going to bed and giving undivided attention to my spouse. It will take time, it will take effort and it will take reminders because I haven't conquered my desire to still want my own way. But in a world where I can only control what I do, I ultimately want to do what brings the Spirit into my life and gives me a fighting chance against Satan and his desires to see me miserable. In 1969 Frank Sinatra popularized the song "I did it my way", I hope that today in 2018 I can remember that my way doesn't really get me where I want to go. Yes one day I hope some circumstances are different, but for now I only have control of me, I hope I choose the Savior's way, that I love, that I am humble and that I choose the better part to give up a small thing for something so much better. Let it be said "I didn't do it my way".