I really just have a question tonight, a question that I hope you will take a lot of time to ponder on and answer for yourselves. In asking this question I will most likely posit and answer or two, but this is a question that we can only answer individually.
My question tonight is, do we really want to return to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? And if we aren't sure how to go about answering that question, how can we go about shoring up our desire to see our Father in Heaven and Savior once more?
Maybe some of you are wondering what is wrong with me right now, maybe you're thinking "of course I want to return to Father in Heaven, why don't you?" I'm not saying I don't want to see them again, so I guess I'd best give some background to this question.
As I was visualizing what it would be like to stand before my Savior and questioning where I was in that process I felt very overwhelmed by how far I felt from that worthy goal, I felt as if I was falling short in every area of my life. As you know two weeks ago I began the goal of putting more focus on my sleep time and getting sufficient rest....it has not been going well. And it has been rather disheartening. Because I feel I am failing in that area I then feel as though I am falling short in many other areas as well. So standing before my Father in Heaven felt very overwhelming in that moment. I've been feeling very engaged in day to day affairs and realized that though I was standing visualizing my Savior, I had lost my why of what was driving me to want to see Him and the why of seeing my Father again. And I asked myself, why do I want to see my Father again, what draws me to want to be in His presence again?
That changed my focus on a lot of what I've been doing. I've been trying to become more like my Savior, to smooth off my rough edges and to be better, but I'd forgotten why. I'd forgotten that I once lived with my Father in Heaven, that I had once lived in His mansion on high, that I crawled upon His knee and asked Him to teach me about creation, to show me the cycle of Godhood and show me the wonders of helping intelligences progress to spirit bodies and eventually mortal bodies, resurrection and Godhood. We talked about my divine potential and how I could become like Heavenly Mother, being a nurturer of souls, and blessing the lives of others. I had forgotten how exciting it is to bless the lives of others and how the doctrines I just mentioned thrill my soul. Simply put I had allowed Satan to cloud my mind.
With this renewed understanding and desire came the crushing realization that I really can't do everything I need to do in order to see my Savior again, there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all I feel I need to do. I was reading a Christian Fiction book this week in which a sister from Czechoslovakia who had immigrated to Chicago was looking for a church who taught salvation through Christ plus nothing* and I have thought a lot about that idea this week. I have long struggled with the Latter-Day Saint view of works and salvation, because the break down between covenants and the work of Christ in the garden and the cross has never made complete sense. I couldn't understand why I live covenants if Christ's gift is necessary for salvation and exaltation. Somehow baptism and temple work have always added an element of work to salvation. This week I think I caught a glimpse of a new angle I hadn't seen before....I can't work my way to heaven, no amount of good things will return me to Heavenly Father, no amount of sheer effort will bring me to my Savior, going to the Savior and asking His help to draw me nearer to Him will draw me nearer to Him. And I have to tell you I struggle even writing this tonight, because I know covenants are necessary, I know keeping commandments are necessary, I know fulfilling my calling to the best of my ability is important, yet they still are not enough. None of the things I just mentioned are enough without the Savior in the equation, He makes doing all of these things meaningful and gives them purpose. Perhaps living laws and keeping commandments are part of helping me prepare to be more comfortable in the presence of my Savior, perhaps training for a life to come. Either way Christ makes it all possible, and through Him I can live them.
I wish I knew what my point is tonight, maybe I was hoping that I could write my way to understanding, maybe because there is just too much inside me to keep there and maybe I needed to see what was rolling around in my head.
What I do know is that no matter what I do I can't work my way to heaven, I can't change by myself. I may be feeling broken at the moment, but that doesn't mean I am lost forever. I may have fallen short of the mark, but Heavenly Father doesn't want my despair because He offers hope for another day. Our Father is infinitely merciful and delights in being merciful. I know He loves us and I know He sent us a Savior so that we don't have to stay lost, we don't have to feel broken and we don't have to feel a failure.
*Sophie's Heart by Lori Wick
No comments:
Post a Comment