Warrior within

What do you do when you just want to run away? What do you do when you just can't take the life you are living anymore? What do you do when it doesn't seem like anything should be wrong, but something just feels off? What do you do when you feel directionless?

School starts tomorrow...this marks the second year of school starting since I graduated with my bachelors and I'm having a hard time. There was a time when my plans would have said I'd be starting my second year of a master's program and on my way to another degree, thick into writing papers, engaging in fast pace discussions and working toward defining myself in accordance with professor expectations and how to prepare for a PhD or some job in my field.

Yet here I am with a job clearing others through grad school graduation requirements and trying to figure my purpose for being here in this life. Now this isn't to say that I'm not working on things, working to progress and learn, but it isn't the same as having assignments where I know the due date, I have the rubric before me and I'm constantly showing what I'm learning. No, this is a harder test, there is a plan and a purpose, there are things I need to learn here and now that I can't learn any other way, but I can't see them, I don't know the specifics of heavenly assignments and it is very hard not to feel purposeless.

As I learned today in Sunday School the universe is a very big place, life here on this earth really is very fleeting, eighty years compared to 255 million years is rather small. Our existence in this life is but a short time as we think into the eternities, but it is important. What we do here ripples through the eternities. How we learn to learn, how we show our valiancy all matter. We are not just living this life, biding our time, waiting until death finds us and then we move onto judgment and a kingdom, life is so much bigger than that. In the book Anne of Green Gables Miss Stacy (Anne's teacher) tells Anne that her character will be decided by the time she reaches 20. Now that rather scared Anne because she reached 20 and didn't feel "done" yet. She realized that the foundation might have been set to guide her choices and her desires, but she still had a life before. As we look into the eternities now is the time when we set the foundation for our characters. Will we be warriors of light? Will we be angels will trumps spreading the amazing life giving word, will we be content to go with the flow? Who will we choose to be?

The time in this life is so very important, which is why Satan does so much to distract and lull us to sleep, he does see us as spiritual giants will miraculous potential and he'd just as soon not have to deal with that side of us. Perhaps that's what has me feeling so very aimless tonight. If we don't see the small efforts we make each day as something that forms our eternal character, then we just see the mundane and pointless.

So here I sit...I still don't have a better idea of what my next step is and I still feel without dragons to fight, but that doesn't leave my life without meaning, it just means now is the time when i check on my eternal nature, see where I'm at and what small things I can do to strengthen that foundation so that when the Lord does need a warrior of light I have created a being that can be just that. That through the mundane and innocuous I have shown that I can be consistent and faithful, so then when the big stuff comes I have what I need to do the work.

When we offer love we can change the outcome

  

 So what I write tonight might seem a wee bit hypocritical, I will be doing what I'm suggesting others not to do, but it will be to get the idea out, then I will try avoid doing it in the future. Tonight I'm going to go back to the roots of my blog. Back when I started writing over two years ago I was addressing the riots in the streets during and after the Ferguson case. I was ashamed to see the hatred, the blame game and a total lack of seeking truth, being on the "right side of history" was more important that what really happened. In the aftermath of Charlotesville I feel like I'm seeing that all over again, but on an even bigger and scarier level.
    There's social media posts everywhere with everyone weighing in and what seems like a whole lot of anger and finger pointing and the amount of hatred toward Trump continues to grow, with the bitterness towards his supporters growing daily. Just to clarify, Trump is his own person, as we've seen all along he blows his mouth off all the time and others don't and can't control him. I have seen the hatred growing and growing. It feels like instead of people wanting to heal, to move forward and try to build a brighter future, we want to focus on condemnation, who is on the wrong side of history, who hasn't said enough, who said the wrong thing, who is rascist, who is a white supremacist? The point at the heart of all of this is we can't change anyone else, it doesn't matter how much we attack someone, how much we feel they are wrong, how much we feel they've missed the boat or how much we write bitter diatribes, all of those things really just entrench someone in their thinking and it reinforces our own pride, we come to see ourselves as the wronged individual and a person we have never met as a sinner who we have the right to condemn. But we don't, we aren't even directly involved in what is going on, yet suddenly we believe we have the ability and right to pass judgment on people we don't know, whose perspective we don't understand and who we will most likely never meet.
     Now this doesn't mean that I support white supremacy or violence in our streets and it doesn't mean that I don't think we should stand up for truth and righteous, love and kindness. In fact it's the very fact we jump to those conclusions that are getting us into trouble right now. We are allowing judgment and indignation to rule the day, when we need to let love and giving the benefit of the doubt the road. We need to realize that chewing out strangers isn't spreading love or encouraging change, it is just spreading more division. If we want to stand up for truth and righteousness we start by getting to know our neighbor and praying to see the best in others. I know that I struggle to give people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes I expect the worse, sometimes I let little criticism creep in, I can tell you that isn't a happy way to live and it doesn't end there, it is those little criticisms that creep in and grow like crazy, they color our vision and soon optimism, love and hope fade. If we want the world to be a better place, if we want love to rule the day...we must start will love. We start by telling the negative voice in our head no, we reject the negative consciously and we seek to understand where someone else is coming from, we seek to see them as God sees them, we see them as a precious child of God who Heavenly Father sent His Son for, we see someone worth fighting for.

  Yes history is repeating itself, yes we need to stand up to hatred and darkness, but you don't do that by pointing fingers, being angry and creating division, divisiveness is what gave Hitler his power, it's what gives all dictators their power, it is choosing a group that is "wrong" that you can make other, that you villanize, that you attack and then make them so different that it is easy to forget that they are people with emotions, that have cares and worries just like we do. You get people so caught up in wanting to look good to other people, in wanting to be on the right side that soon they forget their humanity, you get them so hung up on looking good and moving up that they can forget who they step on in the process.

So if you want to change the world, if you want to stand up for truth and righteousness, don't reach for hate, don't work to be on the right side of history. The most perfect man that ever walked on the earth wasn't on "the right side of history" He gave love, He met people where they were, He took time to get to know others, He gave love instead of judgment and He turned the current political and religious regime on its head because He offered love. We can do the same thing, we can say no to the media frenzy, we can say no to finger pointing, we can reach out to those in pain and in need, we can offer love when criticism jumps to mind. We can only control ourselves, we can only change how we respond, but perhaps when we offer love we can change the outcome and we can make a better world.

A God of miracles/reaping the eternal rewards

The thought came for this post yesterday in the temple and I've been wrestling with it ever since. Partially because I'm not quite sure how to get down in the written word and have it still make sense and partially because I'm struggling with it on a spiritual level and I'm not even sure if what is on my mind is true for anyone else or if it is just part of my own journey.

In Mormon 9 Moroni says:
          

19 And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.

20 And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust.

 This teaches us that our God is a God of miracles, but we must have a belief that those miracles will happen in our lives. So once we believe that God will enact miracles on our behalf what do we do? Well we ask and pray for them and then stand back and wait for them to come of course...

So then what happens when they don't come, when you pray for so many different things, some confirmation that you have made the right decision, a gift left on your doorstep letting you know you aren't alone, angels to protect against the constant barrage of the adversary, some relief in sight after weeks of frustration and loneliness, divine intervention informing that you really are forgiven, or some other tender mercy you hear about all the time in the Ensign or in testimony meeting, but they don't come. You pray and nothing comes, things don't mysteriously fall into place, you are not "magically" led to just the right course of action. You hope and pray, then wonder when the miracles He promised will come.

And then the realization slowly comes creeping in (mostly because you've been fighting it for days), your Father in Heaven is a God of miracles and because He loves you He will not use miracles to take away your agency or to prevent your growth. There was a time when you could go to others and they could help fix the aches and pains (both physical and emotional), clear baggage and help me see more clearly. Now when I go to them they are constrained by the spirit to tell me to do the work. Wow do I miss being five years old spiritually, being able to have independence, try new things, but still have a taller person around to help me do that which I feel unable to do. But as I think about being a five year old I remember my mom telling me to start getting things on my own (that usually meant I'd pull a chair up to the cabinet, then climb on the cabinet to get stuff). Though it was frustrating to have to struggle for things when I knew mom could get it so easily, it also meant that I learned how to problem solve, not give up and have great climbing skills. I am at a stage in my spiritual journey where I need to work for it, when I need to put the gifts that Heavenly Father has given me to work, yes my Father will always be there to help me when I have exhausted my efforts, He will always send angels in my need, but there are some things I just have to do on my own as I grow to become the spiritual giant He needs me to be, I can't do that without trying. Getting that answer has been especially painful when I hear of others having moments of amazing heavenly intervention or when I feel overwhelmed and I just want the adversary, his minions and their weapons to go away, but we are at a stage in the history of this world when we can't coast anymore, we can't wait for others to fight our battles for us, we must be willing to fight the good fight if we expect to reap the eternal rewards.

We are children of a God of miracles, He will send those miracles to us in our times of need and sometimes just because we have the belief and the faith and other times, because we are children of a God of miracles and we are inheritors of that power, He won't send the miracles so that we can become beings of faith that will one day have the power to be a God of miracles for others who come after.

We live in an amazing time, we can't allow ourselves to coast. Yes the battle will be tough, yes the battle will be painful, yes sometimes there will be emotions or voices in your head telling you mean nasty things and coloring your view and you have no idea how they got there or how to make them leave, make them leave anyway. Do not allow yourself to host that which is negative, base, derogatory, or unsavory, because I can tell you they don't leave easily and they very quickly cloud out reality and what is truth. So when things come (and I know they will, this life is a test, so we are tested, our limits are tested to the utmost to see if we will stay true when everything comes at us to sway us, this life is also a battle and Satan and His minions aren't backing down, they will use every weapon, tool and tactic they have to dishearten, weaken, distract and destroy, they know the time of the Millenium is coming when they will be bound and their work will be halted, this is the bottom of the ninth for them and they are working hard, it is the bottom of the ninth for us as well, don't lose ground now, you can make it), you hold to the rod, you hold to your Savior, you hold to the faith of times past and you hold to that voice inside you that still cries out to your Father in Heaven even when you feel beset by spirits of anger, frustration, loathing and bitterness. You hold to the voice inside that tells you our loving Heavenly Father has eternity for you and this is just a small moment. You hold to the voice that goes to your Savior and says "I don't get, but I know you can teach me" and hold to the love that walked into a garden and died on a cross. This is a battle, this is a fight for our lives, be vigilant, be brave, be courageous, the enemy might not sleep, but there are more that be with us than be with him.

Walked into a Garden

I really hope that other people are noticing that time is moving much faster, according to Matt 24:22
"And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect's sake those days shall be shortened." Our days must be shortened, it is a sign of the last days, and I'm thankful for it, but it also really messes with my head. Some days I wake up and feel like the previous day was just a dream. Now when work can be a bit monotonous at times its nice to have things go by faster. The flip side though is that a day can go by and if you aren't actively engaged in progressing it is really easy to feel like you have improved or become anything for quite sometime. 

Another aspect of time going by so quickly is that things can feel chaotic. As life feels more and more of a whirlwind it can be hard to remember to take time to find quiet and fortify ourselves for the coming day. This last week went by so fast, it was full of good things, yet it was also full of all sorts of attacks. I'd just think that I had overcome some sense of disappointment or sadness and then some new thing would come up. It can be a painful thing when we feel separate from those around us and Satan loves to play that up. He wants to increase grudges, increase otherness, and keep us from thinking carefully and clearly. Then once we recognize those things for what they are and say no (I'm not saying the emotion will magically disappear, but it is easier to recognize what's going on and overcome it when we recognize attacks and distractions for what they really are), something new comes up. The adversary says "I see your capableness and I raise you shame and guilt" and those are much more difficult to overcome. The thing about mistakes of the past is that they always seem to come back to haunt you, we all want to be right with the Lord and Satan is very good and making that distance seem ginormous, at the same time that is Savior is telling us that all is forgiven and that all we need to do is move forward, to keep trying and let Him heal us. But somehow the adversary always seems to weasel his way in and there's this niggling voice bringing up all the doubts, all the fears, all the worries...all the every things. The things about peace is that it can be life changing, it clears away all the doubt, the fear, the worry, the negativity...but it is our choice to let it stay. There comes a time when we have to make a choice which voice we choose to entertain. Do we choose the adversary, with his cutting words and painful feelings attached or do we say no to our doubts and fears and trust our God that He has forgiven us. It is an interesting paradox that it is our Savior that has done the work to be able to extend mercy to us, yet we still argue with Him that we can be forgiven. He that knows our motivations better than we do, who understands our circumstances, pains and afflictions, He can and does offer that forgiveness, but we must choose to receive. Until we accept it ( and even after accepting it we have to be willing to live in and embrace what we accepted) we are open to the adversarial winds. 

Our Savior is our protector. He walked into a garden so that we can come to Him, enter into His garden and find His peace when the winds of the world feel fierce and we find ourselves feeling much lower than we should. He raises us up, He is our defender and protector from the adversary and through Him all things are made all right again.

A Work in You

I don't know about the rest of all ya'lls, but I find myself feeling like my week went by really fast, yet as I look back at it it feels like a life age of the earth has gone by and it was packed with lots of learning and shifting of perspectives.

I've been struggling a bit for probably a lot longer than I care to think about too much with focusing on the good, the positive and the light. I didn't purposeful set out to be negative, but it just sort of happened. Soon I was nitpicking about everything in my head and making snap judgments about people and about situations. As it continued darkness creeped into my life without me noticing it. I became someone I didn't like. It did come to the surface and out my mouth on occasion and the times when it did scared because I realized my insides weren't filled with as much light as they used to. Somehow the darkness in the world around me and sometimes in my home had snuck in unbeknownst to me and made themselves at home and though I realized they were there I had no idea what to do about getting rid of them. Yes I knew I needed to seek after the light, but after letting so much darkness feed off my light my vigor was feeling low and my drive to change was a desire, but not a whole lot else.

One night sitting in the door way of my closet trying to process through everything, feeling very beaten up and just exhausted I realized that at the heart of it all was that I didn't feel accepted, needed or valued, so instead of seeking to give acceptance, love and value to others I was taking it. This wasn't a conscious decision, it was simply a need unfulfilled that had gone awry. So I took it to my Heavenly Father I apologize for undervaluing His children, myself included and asked for help to see the good. I was so tired of being grumpy, sort sighted and frustrated I wanted to love.

And somehow to my slight surprise He did. He helped me switch my thinking, sure little not nice or negative things popped into my head occasionally, but now I know I don't want to entertain them, I don't want to give them space. I learned this past little while just how easy it is for negativity to creep in and start bedding down, for dark clouds to glide over the sun until the light is obscured. Satan wants nothing more for us to be grumpy, crabby individuals who only thing the worst of people and situations, you can't build a Zion of one heart and one mind if everyone is only looking at flaws. So he preys upon the negative and we reap the world wind.

On the flip side, the Savior is there when we ask for help. I have been pleasantly surprised the last few days that the positive has come to mind first, that I want to give the benefit of the doubt and I see more of myself in others, realizing we all are simply on a journey, some days are good, some not so good and we really just need more love. I also realized how important quiet time to yourself is. We all need time to slow down and recharge, without music, without the tv, without bright lights (I find Christmas lights to be particularly healing) and sometimes without other people, time to just take things to Heavenly Father and mull them over in our mind. When we give ourselves that time to find our core we can more easily see the things that snuck in that are negative and destructive and we don't want around. It gives us time to petition the Lord to change our nature, but first we need to know where we are and where we want to be.

After that prayer in my closet doorway I have had more light in my life than I have felt in a while, I felt lighter, like a lot of the things weighing on my mind weren't so heavy. Our Savior stands at the door, but He waits for us to open it. I'm so thankful for His infinite patience and in this case instant love. It can be painful to take time to take stock of where we are at, the path we are on and where it leads. It can be painful to acknowledge weakness and misdirection, but the peace I feel now means I can face the world, even when things aren't the way I imagined, I can move forward because my
God fights for me, He sends His angels before me, He sends His light to fill up dark spaces. We are not alone. Our Savor stands at the door, please open and let Him start a work in you.

Building Zion one heart at a time/ the Pioneer heart

Wow, to be human is to be vulnerable! On this blog I can be selectively vulnerable, I can write, erase, write some more and then edit to my heart's content. But often in life things come out of your mouth in a moment of ...something...and all of a sudden you find your heart rolling around on the floor in front of you for the world to see and there isn't anything you can do about it. You can't take it back and you can't soften it, it is what it is. Today was one of those days in Relief Society. As readers of this blog already know the things I won't go into all that I said, you already know it, but I have carefully worked to conceal it from my ward, well today I didn't go into deets, but I said enough to feel awkward.

But other than feeling awkward and vulnerable enough to sink into the floor I did it because I realized we all have things that make us feel awkward, that make us feel vulnerable, things that bring us doubt, cause us to question, to feel overwhelmed. I realized today we all have things that happen in our house that nobody else knows. Now having just typed that it sounds epically creepy and I don't mean it that way, I don't mean like a real skeleton in the closet, but we all have things that cause us to cringe or weep that we want to keep the outside world away from. This is just human nature, but Satan uses this and heightens it, he tells us we have to put our best foot forward all the time, we can only show the good, because people don't really want to know and their lives are perfect so we can't show our own.

Well people welcome your wake up call, we all have stuff, it is part of the human condition, we all have trials and adversity that cause us to question our faith, question our purpose, question our life choices. What causes those questions will be different for each of us, but we all have them. The early saints in Jesus' day had struggles, they faced a clash of tradition versus new doctrine and a world who didn't believe them. The pioneers of this dispensation faced mobs out for their blood and lives, they faced division as they adopted doctrine that had been missing for millenia. And as pioneers in our day we face a world full of gathering darkness, with division and people searching and preparing for the coming of our Savior. We are each pioneers because we do all have stuff, our own personal journey exceeds the journey of anyone else because our Heavenly Father has personally tailored things specifically for us, this means sometimes we do go into places where there isn't anyone to talk to except for heaven because no one else gets it, but that doesn't mean, we can't share we are having a struggle with someone.

We all have stuff, it is part of the eternal law of returns, we gain experience through well experience.  Part of our covenants is to bear one another's burdens, to serve the Savior by helping lift each other. To be a place where anyone at anytime can come to find relief. This means I have a lot of work to do, so that I can have listening ear like Christ so that I can love and support. Right now I'm working to see the Savior's face when I see those around me, for they are Christ, they have been purchased with a precious price and I want to help my Savior in helping them.

We often think that Zion will come one building at time, we will all be called to Zion and we will build it together as citizens of a city. Zion is built one heart at a time, as we learn to love we create in our heart and home a place where we see Christ's face and learn to love like He does. When we do this we prepare in ourselves a place where Christ can come and dwell. This goes two ways, we also need to be willing to share, and be willing to know that what comes back might not always be perfect, we are Saints in training and it takes time to gain all the Christlike attributes. But as I lift and I share and you lift and you share we all learn and grow together to be a little kinder and to learn how to share so we can all bear one another's burdens.

That makes all the difference in the world

So I'm sure you're thinking "Wow two blog posts in one week!" What can I say, it's just one of those kinds of weeks where there is so much in my mind that I just have to get it out, if it stays in I might just go crazy. And whereas Friday's was mostly practical application this is all faith and theology, this life requires the application of both and it requires being pushed to the breaking point because as I learned today we as humans, bound to habit, don't like changing until it is required and I can guarantee that who I am today isn't who I want to be in twenty years, just as I like the person I am today much more than who I was ten years ago. This life is meant and engineered to make us more than we were when we got here, that change will come in many different ways. Sometimes it comes through the application of the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ, His atoning sacrifice truly changes our nature and sometimes it comes simply by being in the presence of the Spirit and our edges are softly wiped away. Other times it comes through the pain of life, some changes only come through learning empathy and charity the hard way, because sometimes the refiner's fire is just that, a fire, a blaze that burns away impurities and gives third degree burns.

Today was one of those blazing days and one of those soft refining days. It amazes me how days can be both, perhaps learning to see with heavenly eyes is accepting that days can be full of good, bad, painful, and peaceful and it is just a part of life.

As I'm sure you are all aware life can be very full of curve balls and can be very painful when those curveballs seem to have an endless shelf life, just when you think that you've gotten past them or that the sun is on its way up you get slammed with another wave and you get sent under the water (I apologize for mixing like four different metaphors), that's been life for the past few weeks. It used to be that bouts of darkness only lasted a couple days, maybe a week and then light would break through and I would have time to stabilize, bask in the light, re-energize and be ready for the next set. That hasn't been the case this time, I might get a moment to breath or two, but they were few and far between. I found myself gasping for light, hope and some place where I could feel safe and relax and feel like my world wasn't crumbling away from me. This morning was just such a morning where I felt like my world was crumbling and I was going to go crumbling right along with it. All I saw was a dark corridor stretching before me, no light, no change, just dark doorway after dark doorway and some fiery darts of the adversary mixed in. And that's when the doubt started, I wondered if I really was ready for this, if I was capable to keep doing this day after day, I worried, I fretted, I freaked out and I was scared. I began wondering if the Lord had really placed me here and if He had where was He, where was the sunshine breaking through the clouds, where were the tender mercies to help me through, where was the hope I so desperately needed. And in my doubt and fear, pain and tears (in the middle of sacrament meeting I might add...awkward) a little voice inside my heart asked a question "do you trust your Heavenly Father?"......

And I realized that my whole life comes down to that very straightforward question, when it isn't just about coming home from a mission early, when it isn't just about delaying a masters, when it isn't just about getting a job, when it is about my eternal salvation, when it is about gut wrenching fear, when it is about the person I love and facing darkness everyday, when it is those things on the line, do I still trust? Trust isn't rooted in answers of prayers, it isn't rooted in getting what we want, it isn't rooted in immediate light or deliverance...

Trust is rooted in knowing that our Loving Father in Heaven is in control, that nothing comes into our lives except by His divine design, it is rooted in that if He gave a direction He has a purpose.It is rooted in the knowledge that all things are for our gain. Once we realize we do trust our Father in Heaven a peace can come into our lives that can come in no other way. No circumstances don't miraculously change, life still brings refining with grace and with blazes, but in trusting we take away one of Satan's favorite tools of doubt. It is when we doubt our circumstances and then doubt God's perfect love that the darkness overwhelms us, because then the light rope we are holding unto disappears. I think we often overlook that our entire existence is based on the knowledge that our Heavenly Father loves us, so that is what Satan attacks, that is what he goes after, because if we lose hold on that, then he can get us to lose hold of covenants, righteousness and purpose.

So if moments come to you in your life, if you are in one of those moments right now, where you feel your hold on that rope is loosening and your hope and purpose are crumbling hold onto the idea that there is purpose, there is a reason. Our Father isn't a wizard behind a curtain just messing around and experimenting to see what will happen, He is a divine being who loves us with His whole heart, any direction He gives has a purpose, a reason and will bring brightness and light into our lives. This doesn't necessarily make life easier, but it does bring peace and that makes all the difference in the world.