What I truly desire

This week in primary the lesson was about God answering prayers in the best way for us. I think it is important that the point of the lesson wasn't just to teach that we should pray, but the manner in which Heavenly Father will answer prayers, He does answer them, not as we think He should, but in the way that is best for us.
  As I read over the lesson two weeks ago (last week was stake conference) I pondered on different ways the Lord had answered my prayers and most of the ones I thought of wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to four year olds, so I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me recognize answers to prayers. Well in order for that to happen, He first needed to send me moments in which I would need to pray and receive answer to prayers. Can I just tell you that has been an interesting exercise in mortality these last two weeks, an exercise I am very grateful for and wasn't completely prepared for.

  First I lost an earring from a set that a friend had made for me. I was very sad of the loss, retraced my steps and prayed mightily, all to know immediate avail. Only a week later on a walk did the person who made it for me see it on the cement after a rainstorm, after some cleaning I gladly wear it again.
  The second opportunity came in the form of a new portable washer and dryer. For our whole married life we have been dependent on others for the ability to do laundry and when our old neighbors offered us their set we were so excited! Imagine our chagrin and sadness when the washer leaked like crazy and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. Mind you the washer and dryer showed up in our lives right before I headed to a conference where I was gone long hours and never really had time in the evenings to dedicate to figure out what was wrong. We prayed and prayed, took apart the washer  and tried to figure out what was wrong, to no avail. That is until I gave it time, finally on a Saturday I was able to calm down enough to let the Spirit do some talking and walk me through what was going on. The problem didn't magically fix itself as I was sort of hoping it would. But I think I have a solution that will fit our needs.
   The third opportunity came when I lost a bracelet (I know, I know, my track record with jewelry isn't the best). I had a brand new jewelry set and excitedly wore it to work, only to get to work and take off my jacket and discover the bracelet was no longer on my wrist, with no idea at which point it had fallen off. I search all over my department and even back tracked my way across campus during lunch, praying the whole way...and nothing. I'm sensing a pattern here...sometimes answers take time and the right frame of mind. That night I prayed in faith instead of in panic, I had faith that indeed the bracelet would be returned to me and I would be led in the right direction. The next day I was led to look down at a certain point and there it was, the bracelet I had sought for was below me.
   I am thankful that Heavenly Father answered my finding prayers, He truly does see the fall of each sparrow and for the hair of each head. I know He cares for the little things in our lives, He also cares for what is best for our lives.
   This knowledge comes from my most recent answer to prayer, an answer that came in a rather unexpected fashion. Last week in stake conference as I pondered what I could give up to draw nearer to the Savior I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to figure out how to go to bed at night, I need to take better care of my stewardship by going to sleep. Now the idea of needing more sleep isn't new...about six months ago I talked about avoiding sleeping on our couch (and I have done better), but I had never received that outside direction so forcefully before. So naturally I set to work trying to do better, trying to do better all on my own. And as the nature of trying to improve the opposition started and I found myself going to bed even later, until I finally realized I couldn't make this effort alone. So I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me head to bed earlier. I think I was hoping for greater motivation to head to bed. Instead Heavenly Father took away His protection I had been receiving from lack of sleep. Because of my righteous efforts He had been helping me to function from lack of sleep at work and at the temple. Well this week in order to understand how great the need was to care for my body, He removed that help and I had to face it head on. It is exhausting to say the least. For the first time in months I was in bed before 11 o'clock on a Saturday night. Mind you I still woke up without a voice, but I also woke up with a better understanding of why I avoid sleep, an understanding I can apply to the future so I can hopefully get more sleep. Of course now I need to face the consequences of my choices, which at this moment means a lost voice and dizziness. Consequences getting some more sleep will cure. So it is off to bed for me.
   I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who answers prayers, who not only answers my heart's desires with kindness, but also answers my prayers in unexpected and at times less than pleasant ways because He knows what I really need and how to help me gain what I truly desire (a better me). In this case it was becoming a better steward of my body and of time, not just always pushing through the tired.

Stay on the Mountain

  Wow, there is so much on my mind tonight, after back to back meetings with Elder Kevin Pearson from the Seventy (stake conference and a temple devotional) my mind and heart are on fire. But even with all the amazing things he shared today (that our 159 temples are just 1/10 of the temples we will need to do the work of the Lord and my personal favorite "if we don't change, nothing changes") I would still like to share something I learned from the Book of Mormon this week and see where I go from there.

    I think most of us are familiar with the war chapters of the Book of Mormon and probably once we got into reading we would feel that the stories of Zerahemna and Lehonti are familiar. (Zerahemna was a gentlemen fighting against Moroni that refused to end the conflict because he knew he and his people couldn't keep a covenant to never come against the Nephites again, well he refused until there was a scalping and then the whole army decided they could end the conflict. Lehonti is a Lamanite general who refused to come off his mountain to talk to Amalickiah until Amalickiah said to meet him half way. Lehonti met his death by coming down just a little off that mountain peak and was poisoned by degrees). Now when I think of these men the synopsis of those chapters (see Alma 44-48 for a more detailed specific account) are very similar to what I just gave, but I gained a new insight this week that I hope might get us all thinking. I'm not saying this is for sure gospel truth and that you must agree with me, but I do think it is a new insight that has changed my thinking about covenants and what it is to keep those covenants.

   As I was reading this week the Spirit touched my mind and encouraged me to look at the dates on the chapter headings. As I did I noticed that there is just two years (74 BC to 72) between Zerahemna attacking the Nephites - and making a covenant to not come against the Nephites in battle again - and Amalickiah going to the Lamanite king asking him to lead the Lamanites into battle. Once Amalickiah shows up Lehonti takes a portion of the Lamanite army and they flee into the wilderness. Usually when I'm reading this portion I just skip to Lehonti coming off his mountain and getting poisoned, I never asked myself why Lehonti fled, this time I did and I began to wonder why did Lehonti flee into the wilderness and not choose to fight. Then the Spirit whispered, "what if Lehonti was part of Zerahemna's army that had covenanted not to go against the Nephites in battle ever again? What if Lehonti and the part of the army that went with him were okay with border skirmishes with other Lamanite groups or even border skirmishes with Nephites as long as they weren't the aggressors (that's why they were in the army), but they weren't okay with being the aggressors, they took the covenant and oath they had made so seriously that they mutinied against their king and fled so that they wouldn't be forced to go against the Nephites. Can you imagine having so much conviction and honor in your covenants that you would flee your people, your customs, everything you had ever known and flee into the wilderness? That my friends is what we have been called to do, that is what our covenants invite us to do as the world gets more wicked, do we have the faith to flee for our covenants?

  But you'll say, "Alison Lehonti died and his portion of the army ended up having to fight anyway." That is true and that is so very sad and that has the potential to happen to each of us. We are a peculiar people and the Lord has called us to His mountain, even His holy house the temple, are we standing firm on that mountain or are we like Lehonti considering coming off our mountain just a little bit because we already did so good in keeping our covenant that we fled the Lamanites? I don't know what exactly Lehonti was thinking, but I wonder if he thought "just a few feet down the mountain won't hurt me, I've already left all I've known and Amalickiah's offer isn't that bad." My dear brothers and sisters that is how Satan speaks to us today, if we are standing firm in our faith and covenants he isn't going to wage a direct assault against them, but he is going to entice us away from the temple and the safety of our covenants and then once we are off the mountain just a hair he can poison us by degrees.

   Have you really listened to the music industry these days? There is a lot going on in those lyrics we won't notice if we don't listen carefully. In each of our minds there is a thing called a Reticular Activating System and these system is a filter in our minds that determines what comes out of our mouths and what comes into our minds. This filter can be very quick to help us determine truth, to decide what to keep and what to toss. Well this filter can be de-activated or its power lessened by music. Are we listening to music that helps us more fully believe and accept that we are children of God with a purpose and place in His kingdom and plan or is the music we hear tearing away our self esteem and consider ideas that we would never consider in everyday conversation?

   We have repentance available to us, when we see things in our lives that have triggered us to lessen our resolve to hold to our covenants and stay on our mountain we can repent and never be introduced to the degrees of poison that Satan would give to us. If we have already sauntered off that mountain we can cry out to our Savior and have His help to regain that mountain.

   In our stake conference today we were encouraged to find one thing in our lives that is drawing us away from the Savior and get rid of it. To remove our pet sins so that we can more fully feel the direction of the Spirit in our lives. As Elder Pearson said, if we don't change nothing will change. I know I am not where I could be and I want to be better, I want something to change so that I can change for the better. Our Father has given us covenants to protect us, to save us from the pain and anguish of poison, may we hold to covenants, make the changes we need to make and stay on that mountain.

Investing: All Attainment comes at a price

I have two quick thoughts I'd like to share tonight, I'm not sure if they will resonate with anyone else, yet they are something I'd like to gain more understanding on because I think they have important implications in the days to come.

First, last week I talked about remembering, about remembering who my husband wants to be and remembering as well some of the limitations we face because of certain life circumstances outside of our control. As I pondered that today I was reminded I also need to be willing to write something new,  to be willing to try new experiences that might contradict what I have experienced in the past. I found myself asking how do I do that, how do I balance the understanding that sometimes depression might limit us, while embracing that it doesn't always have to define us? And I guess that is part of this mortal journey,  learning not to let old patterns limit my expectations of what can be. I don't want my lack of hope and limited vision to halt us from progressing as a couple, sometimes I do catch myself thinking "oh that will never happen" or "well we aren't in a position to do that now so I guess I'll file that dream away for eternity ". Really those thoughts just make me depressed and cause me to limit what I am willing to try. True at this stage of the game I need to not judge or get angry when depression stops by for a bisit, at the same time I shouldn't let occasional visits cloud my vision for faith can assist us in building a future that maybe at this moment I don't see, but with Heavenly Father is possible.

Second thought, though the ideas of sacrifice and service aren't new to me or new to Latter Day Saints I saw them in a new way this weekend. It is true that learning to serve  others and being willing to sacrifice are pieces to our preparing for eternity, after all Godhood really is big parts serving and sacrificing. I think it is also part of a bigger eternal principle, in order to learn something or gain something we must first count the cost, we must be willing to lose something because we value what we will gain. Sort of like when I was in school, I lost sleep because I felt getting an A was worth more than an extra hour of sleep. Or now as we minister, it is worth giving up some of our schedule and personal planning because we value gaining charity and learning to love as Christ. Or learning to submit our will to that of God so we can have the Holy Ghost as our constant companion. All attainment first comes at a price, it is for us to decide whether that cost brings us closer to the Savior and His attributes and hopefully ultimately where we want to be or if we pay a price for something that ultimately comes to ash.

A perfect instructor

Have you ever noticed in scripture how often the children of Israel are called to remembrance? Now this call comes to people in both the old and new world. As Moses prepares to leave the children of Israel he reminds them all that God had done for them, freeing them from Egypt, feeding them in the wilderness and preparing the promised land for them. Christ reminds the Jews of the many times God has watched over them and helped them. Nephi invites Laman and Lemuel to remember God parting the Red Sea for the children of Israel and sending manna in the wilderness. Alma reminds his son Coriantumr of the Savior's great mercy in saving him from eternal damnation and how his father's people were protected and guided in the wilderness. At the end of the Book of Mormon Moroni invites to remember the goodness of Christ.


In all of these stories why do you suppose we are invited to remember? Why do we partake of the sacrament each week and be reminded of the covenant we made at baptism? Perhaps a personal experience might be helpful in answering this question.

Last year I wrote a post entitled the supporters supporters field guide (http://ofchoicesandconsequences.blogspot.com/2017/07/a-supporters-supporters-field.html) in this post I told a bit more of what it is like living with someone who struggles with depression, it was rather cathartic for me and I hope helpful for others who don't know what to say.

Anyhow, that post helped me work through a lot of things I had been wrestling with and helped me past some struggles, it also gave me a case of amnesia. I think one of the hardest things about depression is that it goes through cycles in which you face the lowest of the low with this person that you love and then overtime things get better and you go longer and longer without a down turn and soon you start thinking that this person you love is cured, that all will be better from now until forever. And then old things start creeping back in, more negativity, sluggishness, seclusion, isolation, negative self talk, feelings of heaviness and darkness in your home and you start getting frustrated because you thought for sure you were past this. Then you have to be reminded that this is just depression, it isn't anyone's fault, there isn't a magic cure and you learn to accept a different reality than what you were expected. Overtime their sadness and heaviness gets shared with you and you stop getting your hopes up and sometimes you might even get frustrated.

I was facing just such a time in the temple yesterday when Heavenly Father placed me in a situation when I could speak with power and authority and I could feel what an amazing experience it is to speak for Heavenly Father. Then Father reminded me of a letter I received on my mission right after my husband had received the priesthood, how excited and thrilled he was to speak by the Spirit with power and confidence. For a moment I mourned that that isn't my current reality, then my dear patient Father taught me "if you think that you miss it, imagine how he misses it, he who feels like he has done something wrong to have lost it, when all that has happened is life beating him down and the adversary causing him to forget and feel far away from that feeling." In that moment I repented of my whining, yes it is normal to miss and mourn for what was, but I would be far better to remember the good where we have been and be a place of support to get back there, then to be a voice of complaint that we aren't there now. I had been so caught up in my own perspective, in desiring my own way, that I forgot there was more at stake and more blessing on offer than just what I could see in that moment.

Perhaps our Father invites us to remember because He knows mortal life can beat us down and close off our perspective. Satan wants nothing more than to think that today's less than pleasant is all there ever was and all there will ever be. The adversary wants us to think we are trapped, that life is monotony without better views and opportunities. When we remember what God has done for us in the past we realize that what He has done in the past He can do in the future, what once was can be again. This life is meant to be a test, our Father in Heaven would be a poor instructor if He didn't place things or allow things to be placed in our path that will prepare us for even greater tests in our future. He is preparing us for a bright future, yes that might mean some darkness now, but as we remember light in our past and have hope for an even greater light in the future today can be faced and lived through, perhaps not the most joyfully, but it can be managed and we can make it.

I testify that our Father is a great instructor, He is preparing us for the future and He does not leave us comfortless. He asks us to remember that we might know who He was, is and will be, He sent to us a Savior and protector, He gave us the ultimate reason for our hope. We are not alone, no matter what Satan might say. If you are in a dark moment in your life I pray that you will remember the light from yesterday and that it might kindle a hope in you for light for tomorrow. I don't know how many cycles of depression are in my future, but I know Heavenly Father and my Savior have been in all of them in the past, so I know they will be in those in the future as well, even if in the dark moments we might wonder where that is...

We have a lot of tomorrows

So I'm struggling sharing tonight's post for two reasons, one because it feels like a repeat (I think I'm at a point in my growth where I am once again relearning old lessons in new ways) and second because I'm a bit embarrassed.

Just like at a job when you won't be there you have to make sure there will be adequate coverage, so at the temple you start calling looking for subs. Unlike at other regular, during the day jobs, when I call someone to sub for me at the temple I am cold calling them asking them to get up at 4:30 on a Saturday morning and give up their regular plans until 11 am. I really struggle doing that to someone, I try to be there for my shift because I agreed to the shift and it is an honor to serve, at the same time life just happens. Life happening meant that I was on a trip in California when I woke up to realize I needed a sub in two weeks (it is generally much easier to find subs if you ask well in advance before someone else asks them). So I started praying that I could find the right one, and got home to compile my sub lists and start phone calls. Well as I prayed for help in finding one who could do it, and was ready, I had a name come to mind. Well feeling that this sister was often over-utilized and feeling that I needed to do my part, I called and texted everyone else on my list instead of her and of course I had no success. In my efforts to "do the work necessary for a blessing" I missed the most important work, following the spirit. I had prayed for help, but didn't follow it when it came.

Fast forward past six names on my list and lots of sisters who wanted to help, but had either been asked already or were out of town. I spent a lot of time telling myself not to panic because the Lord was preparing a way, panic shouldn't overshadow my faith. That however required obedience. So with this sister's name ringing in my ear I finally called her, only to hear she might have other plans, but that she would love to do it and would let me know in a day or two for sure. So I finished my day a little concerned, but finally feeling peace that I had followed the Spirit, even if it was delayed.

Fast forward to today in sacrament meeting, I was feeling bad about some poor perspective I was dealing with in other aspects of my life, feeling a bit overwhelmed and uncertain. As I am in the thick of trying to process all this and not feeling that I had done what I could have this week my phone buzzes. I take a peek and see a text from the sister I asked to help me and she said she would be traveling that weekend. She then told me she had asked her sister who happened to also work at the temple to sub for her instead. She gave me her info and said everything was taken care of. In that moment I realized it didn't matter that I had fallen short, it didn't matter that I didn't think I had lived up to the blessing, it mattered that Heavenly Father wanted to bless me and I did obey and I am trying. As I pondered on His perfect timing, sending me to a sister that though she couldn't do it, she found someone for me and even asked me to ask her again in the future. This dear sister went out of her way to help me do my responsibility. The Lord placed in my path someone who He knew would go the extra mile.

As I pondered on that during the talks the Spirit whispered to me that I had once again underestimated how much the Lord wants to bless me. Even knowing I wouldn't listen originally He still answered my prayer, and helped me through the process to get who He needs to be in the temple that day.

Another quick example, as I mentioned last week I was struggling with balance, balance with money. Having grown up in an atmosphere of being economical I can typically talk myself out of spending money, even if it is something completely worth while and something I have saved for. Well last week Heavenly Father reminded me it isn't bad to do something for me, something that I would enjoy. So in my adventures at Disneyland I threw self denial to the wind and I did all those things I wanted to do when I was a kid. I got ice cream, had a delightful churro, bought two lunches in one day, and a dole whip, it was So Much Fun!!! At first I wondered how I could spend so much on something that would be gone tomorrow and then Christopher said we couldn't leave the park until I bought a souvenir for myself. I guess my point is, this life is about having joy and being kind to yourself. On top of that with all my worries last week Heavenly Father arranged it that I have the money I need for all my obligations and reminded me that I need to be kind to myself for He is even kinder to me than I often give Him credit for.

This life is about learning, growing and experiencing new things. Heavenly Father knows that we will fall short, He better than any of us realizes the difficulties of mortal life and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ He extends mercy and kindness. He knows when we feel halted and burdened down by our falling short and less thans, that doesn't mean He stands in judgement, that means He stands in kindness, it is time to allow ourselves to feel that kindness, to embrace His mercy. Our Savior stands at the door and knocks, not to yell at us or nag, but to hold us in His arms, to extend His empathy and to help us find the strength to try again tomorrow. Sometimes we will feel frustration, sometimes we won't listen as quickly as we should, sometimes our perspectives can become skewed and sometimes we need to rest in the Lord and know He has patience in us as we try again tomorrow. We have a lot of tomorrows for our progression.

To find balance

My post tonight will be short, typing this in a huge hotel in California. I promised myself years ago I wouldn't miss a Sunday, so here is what I have learned this week. The world teaches us to spend, spend, spend, masking the true cost of that spending. Yet being tight fisted takes the strength of thriftiness to inappropriate levels. We are in this life to learn balance for Heavenly Father also desires us to enjoy life.
 Here is learning to find balance, to not get caught up in the world, while still allowing ourselves joy in what this mortal life has to offer. To be good and wise stewards for ourselves and others.

A Whisper is All We Need

After the amazing power and spiritual strength of last week, this week has felt hurried, harried, stressed, overwhelming and discouraging. I blinked and it was already Wednesday and even though I knew I wanted to be in the temple I spent my entire time there feeling like I was short-changing the Lord because I could only do two names and was late getting there. Then I spent most of my time during the week feeling frustrated by the distractions and work, then I felt bad for feeling frustrated. Needless to say, I needed the reminder from Elder Holland's talk a few conferences ago. I picked out those things that rang the most true for me, and I'll leave the link to the rest of the talk down below.

"My apologies to all the children who are now hiding under the sofa, but the fact of the matter is none of us want tomorrow, or the day after that, to destroy the wonderful feelings we have had this weekend. We want to hold fast to the spiritual impressions we have had and the inspired teachings we have heard. But it is inevitable that after heavenly moments in our lives, we, of necessity, return to earth, so to speak, where sometimes less-than-ideal circumstances again face us.

The author of Hebrews warned us of this when he wrote, “Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions.”1 That post-illumination affliction can come in many ways, and it can come to all of us. Surely every missionary who has ever served soon realized that life in the field wasn’t going to be quite like the rarefied atmosphere of the missionary training center. So too for all of us upon leaving a sweet session in the temple or concluding a particularly spiritual sacrament meeting.

Remember that when Moses came down from his singular experience on Mount Sinai, he found that his people had “corrupted themselves” and had “turned aside quickly.”2 There they were at the foot of the mountain, busily fashioning a golden calf to worship, in the very hour that Jehovah, at the summit of the mountain, had been telling Moses, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” and “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”3Moses was not happy with his flock of wandering Israelites that day!

During His earthly ministry, Jesus took Peter, James, and John to the Mount of Transfiguration, where, the scriptures say, “his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.”4 The heavens opened, ancient prophets came, and God the Father spoke.

After such a celestial experience, what does Jesus come down the mountain to find? Well, first He found an argument between His disciples and their antagonists over a failed blessing administered to a young boy. Then He tried to convince the Twelve—unsuccessfully, it turns out—that He would soon be delivered up to local rulers who would kill Him. Then someone mentioned that a tax was due, which was forthrightly paid. Then He had to rebuke some of the brethren because they were arguing about who would be the greatest in His kingdom. All of this led Him at one point to say, “O faithless generation, … how long shall I suffer you?”5 He had occasion to ask that question more than once during His ministry. No wonder He longed for the prayerful solitude of mountaintops!

Realizing that we all have to come down from peak experiences to deal with the regular vicissitudes of life, may I offer this encouragement as general conference concludes.

My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor." (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/tomorrow-the-lord-will-do-wonders-among-you?lang=eng)

And I would like to add, if at times as you keep working and keep trying and you begin feeling the stirrings of the Spirit once more in your life (after the incredible spiritual feeling and then the "fight of afflictions"). Don't spend your time in mourning that the spiritual high is gone and you haven't returned to it, instead find joy in that spirit and keep asking, seeking and knocking. It doesn't matter whether the spirit comes as a hint or a tidal wave, it is simply a matter of what we do with it once we have it and maybe we need to discover what we will do even when the spirit is a whisper and perhaps in some circumstances a whisper is all we need. After all the hurry, bustle and stress of the last week, how sweet it was to sit in temple prep and have the sweet, quiet impressions of the Spirit enlighten my mind and illuminate to me scriptures in a way I had never thought of them before. It wasn't the excitement and thrill from two weeks ago, but it was a sweet spirit full of healing and hope.