Healing the Hidden Hurt

Have you ever heard the phrase "you may not get what you want, but you get what you need? I've heard it many times, but never really saw it's application in my life, until this last week. Birthdays are kind of a big deal for me, I look forward to them all year long, but this year I didn't get the birthday surprise I was hoping for and it hurt. All morning I moped, feeling bad that that one thing I wanted so much in my life hadn't come. Sometimes traffic lights don't turn green and sometimes the rain doesn't fall. What we do in those moments defines the character of our lives.

    I was very blessed to have a mother who filled that gap, she saw I wasn't feeling very cheery, she took me to lunch, spoiled me with presents then stayed up extra late so she could watch me unwrap them when I got home. She wanted me to know just how loved and how special she thought I am.
    Heavenly Father sent others into my life that day to assure me that I am known. I know it is silly, but I really love butter cream frosting and so I prayed earlier this week that maybe, just maybe He could send some my way. I was so pleased and felt so special when a friend of mine walked in the door of work with a dozen cup cakes just the way I like them. Because she listened to the Spirit and wanted to show her love for me, she brightened my day and assured me that though Heavenly Father knows it is not yet time for the blessing I seek the most, He does know me and wants to show His love. So many times that day people showed that they cared about me. Let us always see the blessings even if they aren't the ones we thought we needed.
   I know that sometimes even with the blessings we know surround us our heart aches, we hurt and don't know how to fix it. If we will go to our Father and simply ask "please help it hurts and I don't know what to do" He offers a peace the world cannot mimic nor destroy, hold to our God and our Savior for they truly save us everyday of our lives. I am so grateful for their love and direction, I can't imagine my life without it.

We can't do this alone

This week I have been bombarded by this mindset that the standards of the church don't mean anything, that we as human beings are entitled to anything we want and that if we want something we can go to any means necessary to achieve it. To this I respond with the words of Pres. Henry B. Eyring from his talk Continuing Revelation:

   "We all know that human judgment and logical thinking will not be enough to get answers to the questions that matter most in life. We need revelation from God. And we will need not just one revelation in a time of stress, but we need a constantly renewed stream. We need not just one flash of light and comfort, but we need the continuing blessing of communication with God."

We face many struggles in this life whether it be where to go for school, what to do after I graduate, whom to marry, what job to search for, which to take and how to proceed to a happy, healthy life. We can't discover these things on our own, we need the Creator of the Universe to guide and direct us, He who sees the whole path and He who knows what we need to be happy.

If you find yourselves questioning whether all the guidelines, commandments and rules are worth it, the answer is yes. Those guidelines, commandments and rules are worth it, they are the protection, guidance and help we need to find a happiness to last for eternity. Through obedience we invite this constant stream of direction we need, a constant peace that the world can't replicate.

Many people ask me how I've stayed with my fiancé so long or why I chose to do what I do. My answer to them is that I don't see the path before my feet, but God does and though some of the bumps are painful in the moment, they bring eternal blessings, whether a back surgery that introduced me to a professor who is greatly helping me in my education or a love that grows deeper everyday. We don't see the end from the beginning and the fads and shortcuts of the world cannot bring happiness. No amount of societal norms, or cultured thinking will bring us greater happiness than trusting a loving Father and his prophets when they encourage us to love one another, gather food storage, have only one set of earrings and our body is a temple, do not degrade it with tattoos or earrings. Love your body for it is a gift from a loving Father who wants to see you again one day. 

Through my Father's eyes

Have you ever looked at someone else and just thought that they were amazing? Did you start thinking about how much you wanted to be just like them? You felt like you just couldn't measure up or that you got the short end of the talents and abilities stick. I feel that way quite often, I wish I could be a better writer like this friend or better at languages like that friend or that I could be better in-tune with the Spirit or understand my gifts and abilities better.

Do we ever just feel stuck? Unsure how to proceed, but uncomfortable to stay? I feel so unsure at this stage in my life. I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough to be where I should be, but have no idea where else I should be. Do you ever just wish things could be different? Oh how many times I have thought that, if only...insert thought here. Yet I know we are each of us who we are for a reason, we are who we are and where we are for a reason.
   It is so painful and hard to feel that we are missing something, that things don't seem fair or quite add up. How do I have a bright future when right now seems to take my breath away with longing? How do I become the person I am supposed to be when I feel talentless compared to the many gifts of others? Who am I even supposed to be anyway?
   I'm sure we've all felt these things at one time or another, these thoughts can become toxic and paralyse us, which is Satan's plan. If we feel worthless or cheated we miss out on the purpose of this life and on God's life for us. This quote has changed so much of my perspective on how I want to use my life.

"Mortal life isn't fair, but it's real. When we understand things as they really are, though real in the sense of divine destiny and eternal expectations, we can weather the unfairness. Because pain is part of the process of perfection, we can expect that we will experience pain of various kinds in this life...we can still be happy, cheerful, pleasant, and joyful right now despite the pains. Our hope for a brighter day should never cloud the view of this day. We live in a beautiful world full of opportunities and challenges, promises and perils. The Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement hold the keys for happiness now and happiness eternally"- Nora Nylund

Essentially to me this means that each moment is for my learning and gain. If we are honestly seeking to do good and honestly seeking our divine nature our Father will not let us fail. He knows who we can be and seeks to help us. The pain we feel is but a small moment, though that moment may feel eternal right now. I know our Father loves us and that though we may not receive the answers we want, he does send us peace and peace is worth more than a life plan because life changes everyday. I hope that I can do better at trusting him in the moment, for without my Heavenly Father and without His Son's help I am nothing.

Treading Water

Have you ever felt tired of treading water? Tired of fighting a battle you never feel like you can win? This week I feel like I've reached that point. Not because I want to quit the fight, I know I'm in the right place, doing the right thing, but I feel like I've been doing it so long and I just don't see an end in sight. I fear I shall fail from sheer exhaustion. If one more person at a reception asks me if I'm "taking notes on what I want" or tells me I should get married because I'm sinning against my parents in not marrying and giving them grandchildren I am going to scream. Do people not realize my wedding is planned, the cake, the bouquet, the flowers and food, but none of this matters if the Lord says we should wait? My life is dedicated to His time table, not mine. I have fought for two years to do things my way, this has only brought shattered expectations and tearful nights. People understand that we each have an individual path and though we may want things to be a certain way, Heavenly Father knows the way things need to be.

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

Each set of burdens are unique to each individual, for some it is a wandering child, for others a divorce or health problems or overwhelming, crippling anxiety and depression. This life is not meant to be free of trial (although sometimes I wish it wasn't so). As President Monson said:

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”¹ We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself."

My purpose today is not to tell us why we have adversity, as comforting as it is to know that we have adversity to grow, sometimes that isn't enough. What I say tonight is that we are not alone. For a long time I've pondered how the Atonement helps me, last night I learned the Atonement allows me to call my Heavenly Father Abba, daddy, to know I am not alone, that I am cared for and that some how the sun will rise.
 

If you are at that point where you just can't do it anymore, know you don't have to. Your Savior Jesus Christ already went there, he's treaded water for you, seek peace in him, for he is ever faithful.

Though the Journey Seems Long..

    Have you ever doubted? Have you ever started on a journey (metaphorical or otherwise) full of confidence, full of excitement and joy, only to face obstacles in the path and begin to question your motives and your purpose? I think at one time or another we've all faced doubt. We all set out full of hope for a bright future, only to be stopped half way wondering what in the world we're doing and wondering why Heavenly Father would place us in such a situation, maybe because we are needed there, more than where we thought we should be.
    I know I have often wondered what in the world Heavenly Father has planned, because at the moment, I'm just not seeing it. Why he would place me unmarried in a family ward where no one is quite sure what to do with me and where the dear sweet old ladies want to know why I'm not married yet...I wish I knew, but I do know, there is a purpose. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and that He keeps his promises, I remember reading the account of Abraham and Sarah trusting in God. As Hebrews puts it " By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised". Do we trust God that same way, do we trust that He desires our happiness? I know that many dark nights come our way and that sometimes moments of self pity wonder how Heavenly Father is working in our lives. When those moments come, recognize they come from a being who desires our misery and wants us to be dark and lonely. We have the power to cast the adversary aside and find peace and hope once more, if we will but have Confidence in our Savior and trust the plan, the plan of growth and learning.
   Elder Holland tells the story of Moses being visited by Satan after Heavenly Father showed him the universe and sets up a premise we must all understand if we are to thrive in this life. Satan comes before moments of illumination as well as visiting after ward to distract us from the divine truths we learned. Hold tight to the promises Heavenly Father gives and hold tight to the peace the Spirit brings, for Satan cannot! duplicate it, trust to the peace and hope of a bright tomorrow. Too often doubts pull us away from the path which leads to rich reward simply because we do not see the miracles preparing us for eternity. Please, oh please remember Heavenly Father remembers his promises, whether to an older couple past the age of bearing children, or to a young woman longing for promised marriage, who isn't done yet.

Here are some further thoughts from Elder Holland if you have time to stick around and learn more. Happy reading.


Satan departed hence,” ⁴ always to come again, we can be sure, but always to be defeated by the God of glory—always.

  but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness.


 there may come after the fact some competing doubts and confusion, but it will pale when you measure it against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and you got it. The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation

 with real intent.” ⁷ If you can seek that way and stay in that mode, not much that the adversary can counter with will dissuade you from a righteous path. You can hang on, whatever the assault and affliction, because you have paid the price for real conviction.

Go forward, not backward!

  If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it.

 “Fear ye not.” And when the second and third and fourth blows come, “fear ye not. … The Lord shall fight for you.” ¹⁶ Cast not away therefore your confidence.