Our Errand from the Lord

I'm struggling a bit tonight, I sat through a lesson today that focused a lot on the good, better and best mentality, but I left feeling empty. It wasn't because I don't think prioritizing your time is important, because it is important, but because there wasn't any discussion about the why.

I wish we knew/understood what we are really fighting for and I assure you it is a fight. We are fighting the natural man, not to keep commandment after commandment just so we can be obedient and know we've checked another commandment off the list. We aren't asked to keep the Sabbath day holy just so we have a day to nap (though it is always a delight when I can take a nap on Sunday), we aren't told to be careful of our internet usage just to prevent the spread of pornography in our lives (keeping in mind pornography is a pernicious evil and we should avoid it and defend against it whenever it attempts to rear its ugly head), we aren't taught about good better and best just to avoid the idea of saying that all is well in Zion. We are asked to do these things because our time is bought with a price. Our Savior Jesus Christ paid for our time on earth with His precious blood, all that we are, all that we do, all that we accomplish was paid for by our Savior our time is bought with a price. He came to earth to live our lives with us, the primary song "If the Savior stood beside me" is not a hypothetical, He did stand beside us and see our lives and in certain moments I'm quite certain He does still stand beside us.

We are encouraged to keep the commandment so we can refine our nature and be more in-tune with the spirit than we can be when we are heeding the voice of the natural man. Keeping the Sabbath day holy can help us learn how to consecrate our lives to the Savior and the will of the Father. Being more aware of our internet usage helps us to remember that time is a precious commodity, we have hands that can lift and serve, not just swipe up down or left and right. But even more so these things can invite the Spirit that can then transform our lives. In the book "Through the Veil" John Pontius talks about how the burden of discipline will always lose to the pull of the natural man. This life can't just be about keeping all the commandment balls in the air all the time, at some point our natural desires will gravitate to a different direction and something will fall to the floor. We are too fragile in this mortal life to do everything, that shouldn't keep us from desiring to be righteous, we just need to think about how best to reach that goal. And perhaps one way is to invite the Spirit as our constant companion, the members of the Godhead understand our unique role and our unique abilities, they can give us uniquely tailored guidance for each individual in each unique situation. We obey the commandments to consecrate a life to following the Savior, He did all that the Father hath and invites us to learn how to do the same. He knows it won't be easy, Heavenly Father knows it won't be easy, that is why He prepared a way through our Savior Jesus Christ and through His grace our imperfections and falling short moments can be made all right. There is a power that comes from being on the errand of the Lord, from knowing that you have been commissioned by Jesus Christ Himself to serve His children and those He loves. It is a powerful thing to be prompted by the Spirit to say or do a certain thing, only to find out later that was exactly what they needed. My journey and commission is unique to me, just as your journey and commission is unique to you. That could be one reason passing judgement is so detrimental, we have no idea what role someone else has to fill, some role they are uniquely qualified to accomplish.

We may not accomplish commandment keeping perfection in this life, we may still struggle with wanting some really humany, mortal things. We will fall short so very many times, we will be imperfect in our time management, in selfish desires and in uncertainty, but as we come to cultivate a spirit that wants to obey, a desire to be better today than we were yesterday, to seek His will above our own, we can receive our own errand from the Lord and we can be a messenger of light and love to those who matter most, we can be a light to those in darkness and we can bring the love of God to those who feel they have gone too far afield for much too long.

I feel like the more I learn and the more I experience the more I realize it really is just about love. All that we do in this life is in trying to feel love and all that Heavenly Father asks us to do is that we might feel His love. He wants us back and He wants us home, He loves us so much and hopes that somehow we will listen to feel and learn to love ourselves and others.

Committed to Him

I feel like after two years I've probably covered all the ground there is to cover and I'm quite sure that my life is in a holding pattern, well a repeat pattern, especially the last few months. Sometimes we face things in life that seem to come up, burst forth, you learn whatever it is what you were supposed to learn and then they recede and you look back at them in memory only. Other moments come up, you learn from them and you keep learning from them. All things are for our experience and some experiences just keep coming back. And I feel like I am in one of those moments.

I used to think that if I did what was right life would be easy, then on my mission I learned that if we were only ever blessed and given good things in our life we would never learn commitment. A relationship only based on reciprocation only lasts as long as the reciprocation lasts. A relationship based on trust and commitment lasts whether we see the results immediately or not. In Relief Society we talked about being valiant in our testimony of Jesus Christ and in my mind's eye I saw myself biking over to my grandma's house every Saturday evening for months so I could watch Dr Who, because I loved the show I was committing to make the trip, no matter what else was happening that night. Am I that committed to Christ? When I ask that question I don't mean will I read my scriptures or say my prayers and go to church, no I'm asking will I do whatever I am directed to do. Sometimes I go through spurts where I tell the Lord I will take on the world, I'll do whatever He asks I want so much to learn and grow and become more than I am. I seek knowledge from good books, I seek to be taught by the Spirit, and then the Spirit speaks and the adversary does as well. I learned about writing the small plates of Alison, meaning I write down every time the Spirit speaks, then the adversarial counter and write down what happened after choosing which voice to listen to...then within minutes the adversary countered and I still haven't started that notebook of experiences...

Or after seeking for months about how to improve my scripture study I finally find a system laid out that will greatly improve my learning and dedication and I immediately wonder is it worth it...Answer, of course it is, but it is always so easy to find something else to do instead. As John Pontius said "Don't be discouraged or think it will take too long or be too hard. You're going to do something with your time in the next week, month or year. The difference is what you intend to have gained in that time. Doing nothing will yield nothing. Entertaining yourself will yield entertainment..."Subjectively" studying the scriptures will yield revelatory insight, blessings of truth and light, and a staggering understanding of the Lord's plan for you personally..." The blessings of eternity are available to us everyday, but do we want them enough to go the distance? Am I willing to go to bed an hour earlier so I can get up in the quiet of the morning and put in the time to do the learning? I guess a part of tonight is for accountability for me. You can receive inspiration daily (and I dare say we all do) but if you don't live what you receive it profiteth us nothing.

The adversary knows who we are and he knows what we can accomplish, so he will do whatever he can to distract us away from our privilege and our power. We might sometimes think we can wait until life calms down or we already have so much on our plate surely we don't need to add something else, but I'm working to remember that if my Savior suggested it then it is necessary for a reason. I want to be committed to Him, I want to live a life that if He suggests it I do it, no question and no eye rolling, just doing. Elder Rasband in last conference talked about becoming a spiritual first responder, as we follow the Spirit the Spirit uses us to help others. I want to be someone the Lord can rely on. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know what will be required on the journey, but I want to learn that whatever comes He is in it with me, so I want to be in it with Him.

Relentless Two

I've been thinking back to Easter Sunday Relief Society and the question asked "what is your favorite story of Christ?" Having struggled just hours earlier with feeling so unworthy having so easily gotten off course I felt like the woman taken in adultery, knowing her fate was sealed yet still hoping that somehow there would be a way out. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood, according to Mosaic Law she had been an out cast for 12 years, hiding at the edge of society, wishing that someone could love her, could see her for who she was, not what she had. With faith and fear warring inside of her she reached toward the Savior just to touch the hem of His robe and then her life changed forever. Yes she was healed of her malady, but more than that she was whole, her Savior had seen her, told her to be of good comfort and she knew she was no longer alone, she had been seen and she was known. I thought of Mary washing the Savior's feet with her hair, nard and tears, she who had been taught by Him, who loved Him and know of what He taught and who sent Him gave what she could from love.

These women loved the Savior and with all they had they reached to Him. He was the author of their salvation, their hope, there Redeemer. He is our hope and our redeemer. We face the battle with fear and faith, are we all in? Will we give all that we have because we know even touching the hem of His garment can and will change us forever? Will we be relentless, will we fight the fight to give all to know Him. The Savior has mercy and pity, He desires us, can we give that to Him?

Relentless

   Today I learned anew just how relentless Satan can be which means I need to be just as relentless, but I'm human and entropy is real so I am so grateful for a Savior who is relentless in His love and desire and defense of me.

   These last few weeks I thought I was still learning, growing, expanding and gaining new understanding. I had been working on cutting out less desirable entertainment and working to take Pres Nelson's challenge to come to know the Savior by reading all about Him from scriptures in the Topical Guide. Yet something still felt off. I was enjoying learning new things and enjoying sharing them and then I relearned just how important it is not to inhale the praise of others. It is so wonderful to be appreciated and to have others recognize your efforts, but I forgot that all I had learned and all I was becoming came because of my Savior Jesus Christ and the Spirit teaching and tutoring me.
   As the various accounts of the Garden of Eden teach us, Satan has many different tools and methodologies at his disposal. Sometimes he can be intimidating, sometimes he can be terrifying, sometimes he can be sly, and sometimes he can be sneaky.  (Understanding the Symbols, Covenants and Ordinances of the Temple by Amy Hardison) In the case of this last week I would say he was sneaky. Though my goal to learn was a good thing, wanting to draw near to our Savior is always a good thing, but Satan wormed in and something that started so good became something about me, about wanting to look knowledgeable and I lost my course. I missed the Spirit but couldn't figure out where it had gone and why it had left. And as I sat in sacrament meeting this morning and sang the hymns of the Restoration, I realized a new that all I am and all I have came from my Savior. The good I have comes because of His sacrifice and the joy I feel is centered in Him.

   I used to think that some good things were mine, but now I realized what ever I do comes because He lives, because He went into a Garden to walk my life with me, to share my joy, to share my sorrow and to help me find my path. He has saved me from death, He has saved me from a life of forever falling short, His has made the bitter moments in my life sweet and He means I never walk alone. I am thankful for a relentless Savior who always accepts me with open arms when I come to myself and realize I have indeed lost my way, I did indeed forget my goal and I lost sight of who I am and what I can be. I'm thankful for a Savior who is my prophet, priest and king, who always beckons me on and seeks my gain. We are never lost from His sight and we are never left to wander alone. Come to a relentless Savior who is seeking you, discard the darkness and seek the light. It is never too far it is never too late.

   

 

OUR SAVIOR'S LOVE

1. 1. Our Savior's love
   Shines like the sun with perfect light,
   As from above
   It breaks thru clouds of strife.
   Lighting our way,
   It leads us back into his sight,
   Where we may stay
   To share eternal life.
2. 2. The Spirit, voice
   Of goodness, whispers to our hearts
   A better choice
   Than evil's anguished cries.
   Loud may the sound
   Of hope ring till all doubt departs,
   And we are bound
   To him by loving ties.
3. 3. Our Father, God
   Of all creation, hear us pray
   In rev'rence, awed
   By thy Son's sacrifice.
   Praises we sing.
   We love thy law; we will obey.
   Our heav'nly King,
   In thee our hearts rejoice.

He's making diamonds

What do you do when the Atonement doesn't feel like it is enough? When you see what others have and you only feel your lack. When you feel you will never be enough, you'll never keep the commandments in the way you know you should, you'll always fall short, you'll never love enough, you always seem to let anger or frustration or selfishness rule the day. What do you do when you feel like no one understands you, that you are isolated from all those who love you, even though your brain knows that isn't true it doesn't change that that's how it feels? What do you do when it feels the prayers you've been praying haven't been acknowledged and it doesn't matter how much you pray you know it will never be answered, when it doesn't matter that you know all the "right" answers, you know that sometimes Heavenly Father answers with a no, but you feel all you've received is no, even though you know that isn't true either? What do you do when you feel that you are separated from Christ and there's nothing you can do about it, you felt like you've done your best to repent, to reform, to try a little bit harder to do a little better, but that hasn't brought you any closer to the Spirit and the direction, light and knowledge you seek feels no closer than when you started? What do you do when all the knowledge in the world doesn't feel like it is enough, when you know you've been blessed but all that doesn't seem to matter in that moment? What do you do when you feel so angry and frustrated over little things, and you know they are little things, but you can't quite seem to get rid of it, no matter the prayers and casting out? What do you do when it doesn't matter how many conference talks you listen to or how many uplifting things you seek, they just don't make sense and you know you haven't been diligent enough? What do you do when you can't find your purpose, when all you want to do is follow God's plan for yourself, but you don't know what it is and you have no idea what your dream is for yourself, because all you want is what He wants, but you don't know what it is?

What do you do when all you want is light, but it feels so unattainable? What do you do when all you see is a long list of things you need to do, but see yourself wasting time instead of seeking all the things you should or need to? What do you do when you feel yourself in a dark hole, where light feels fleeting, but sadness endless?


I feel like we live in a world of dichotomies, where we must either be strong, happy and robust or where we must be "real", but there isn't middle ground.  But there is middle ground, sometimes we aren't happy and strong, sometimes we deal with life the best way we can. Sometimes it takes a moment to realize that faith comes when prayers aren't answered, when our desires flee before reality, when all we sees feels colored by failure, pain, frustration or hopelessness, when it doesn't matter how many right answers we have they don't feel enough. I have been reminded or at least had to remind myself that the teacher doesn't speak during the test. There are some moments we do have to do alone, not because the Atonement isn't enough, but because we show who we are when things aren't going right, we show what we truly want when we move forward anyway, even when rewards are missing. In the movie God's Not Dead 2 the main character is on trial for mentioning Jesus Christ in her history classroom. As the trial progresses and it seems all forces are arrayed against her we see her talking with her grandfather and she asks him why Jesus seems so far away. She asks why when she is standing for Christ, He doesn't seem to be there for her. Her grandfather answers with the test analogy. Yet as I sit and write tonight and though I believe that analogy now more than ever, I think the answer extends beyond that. Our Father in Heaven needs a faithful people, He needs a people who will stand for him at all costs. He knows what stands before us, He knows the forces of darkness are arrayed against us, He knows that eternal life requires an eternal sacrifice, He knows that children of light must have faith in the light, even when they are surrounded by darkness. He knows we must be tested before we are faced with trials that have the potential to break us, He knows that we must have a character of loyalty even when that loyalty is tested. He needs a humble people, a people and who truly submit like a child submits to their father. He needs a people who realize they are not enough on their own, that no matter the gifts and talents they have to offer they can't make it on their own. He needs a people who not only know Christ, but know why they need Him. He needs a people who will lean on Him, not on their own understanding. He intends the universe for us, but we need to give us first.

There is life, light and love all around, we are blessed, we are known and we are needed, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way, in those moments when God's love feels farthest, hold on to the light, hold onto His love, hold onto your purpose and remember He's making diamonds out of us.

Temple Moments

After my sort of rushed job on Sunday I wanted to give another go. Yesterday I found myself sitting next to an indoor swimming pool in Wyoming feeling rather alone and forsaken. I'd received some discouraging news the night before, had a night full of disturbing and distressing dreams and wasn't quite sure where to go from there. So I found myself next to a pool contemplating how life goes in circles and how I hoped I'd handle this loop around better than the previous one.

I had brought my Book of Mormon with me to the pool (ask those who know me, I bring books everywhere, even near water) and so I opened to Moses 1 and started reading out loud. As I read and listened to my voice echo over the water, seeing my angelic guard smiling in my mind's eye and feeling a love and peace there I haven't felt often outside the temple, I realized I wanted that feeling all the time, not simply in a place I have to travel to, but have something that can come with me. I loved the messages in conference about making the Spirit our constant companion so that we can become true disciples of Christ. Sacrifices are required as we seek to live a celestial law in a telestial world, distractions abound, selfishness arises, rebellion rears its ugly head. Even as I sit here trying to cherish the moment of quiet peace from yesterday I realize afresh what Moses 1 teaches us, Heavenly Father desires to speak with us and abide with us, equally Satan seeks to distract and detract from that goal, if we are faithful to the testimony with in us we can receive that spirit to be with us always, but it will take consistent effort and constant vigilance.

As one who gave up his birth right Satan is always at work for us to sacrifice ours, he wants us to forget who we really are and sacrifice moments of peace, hope and knowing for moments of faux independence. The call to be a disciple of Christ isn't without its sacrifice and growing pains, but moments of divinity remind us who we really are, children of God, heirs to a divine and eternal birthright. We work to become worthy to enter the temple and then go to the temple so we can learn to feel what being with God is like, so we can learn to create a life where we can feel His presence daily. As we work to take in less of the world and allow our appetites and passions to seek after the light we will begin to find more temple moments in our everyday lives and learn how to find our true selves.

Life as He Sees

As I listened to Elder S Mark Palmer's talk today I placed myself in the shoe's of the young man who comes to Christ and asks "what lack I yet?" And having received the answer to sell all of his belongings, give the money to the poor and then return and take up the cross to walk with the Savior, who then walks away, I asked myself, "what sins are keeping me from my walk with the Savior?" It can be a painful thing to see ourselves as we truly are. Elder M Russell Ballard made a very good point in his talk when he said he has personal interviews with himself, because who knows his desires, goals, ambitions and motivations better than himself?

As I pondered on that question of what sins keep me from a walk with my Savior, I realized I can love so much more and question so much less, I can assume the best of others instead of the worst, I can give because the Lord asks not because I expect something in return, I can seek His will and His direction instead of the accolades of the world, I can count myself less picked on and seek to lift the hurt of others, I can care less for my plans and my goals and how I look to others and care more to see where Heavenly Father would place me and use me, for His plans are perfect and His goals supreme. Really I learned that I am human, that if I want an uninterrupted walk with Christ I must love as Christ loves, instead of seeing shortcomings or missed opportunities, instead see what has been overcome, where others are coming from, life through their perspective and their desires, hopes and dreams. What we give up to know our Savior and walk with Him, might not be what we expect, that doesn't make it any less important to do.

C Scott Grow

Ronald A Rasband

Robert D Hales