He's making diamonds

What do you do when the Atonement doesn't feel like it is enough? When you see what others have and you only feel your lack. When you feel you will never be enough, you'll never keep the commandments in the way you know you should, you'll always fall short, you'll never love enough, you always seem to let anger or frustration or selfishness rule the day. What do you do when you feel like no one understands you, that you are isolated from all those who love you, even though your brain knows that isn't true it doesn't change that that's how it feels? What do you do when it feels the prayers you've been praying haven't been acknowledged and it doesn't matter how much you pray you know it will never be answered, when it doesn't matter that you know all the "right" answers, you know that sometimes Heavenly Father answers with a no, but you feel all you've received is no, even though you know that isn't true either? What do you do when you feel that you are separated from Christ and there's nothing you can do about it, you felt like you've done your best to repent, to reform, to try a little bit harder to do a little better, but that hasn't brought you any closer to the Spirit and the direction, light and knowledge you seek feels no closer than when you started? What do you do when all the knowledge in the world doesn't feel like it is enough, when you know you've been blessed but all that doesn't seem to matter in that moment? What do you do when you feel so angry and frustrated over little things, and you know they are little things, but you can't quite seem to get rid of it, no matter the prayers and casting out? What do you do when it doesn't matter how many conference talks you listen to or how many uplifting things you seek, they just don't make sense and you know you haven't been diligent enough? What do you do when you can't find your purpose, when all you want to do is follow God's plan for yourself, but you don't know what it is and you have no idea what your dream is for yourself, because all you want is what He wants, but you don't know what it is?

What do you do when all you want is light, but it feels so unattainable? What do you do when all you see is a long list of things you need to do, but see yourself wasting time instead of seeking all the things you should or need to? What do you do when you feel yourself in a dark hole, where light feels fleeting, but sadness endless?


I feel like we live in a world of dichotomies, where we must either be strong, happy and robust or where we must be "real", but there isn't middle ground.  But there is middle ground, sometimes we aren't happy and strong, sometimes we deal with life the best way we can. Sometimes it takes a moment to realize that faith comes when prayers aren't answered, when our desires flee before reality, when all we sees feels colored by failure, pain, frustration or hopelessness, when it doesn't matter how many right answers we have they don't feel enough. I have been reminded or at least had to remind myself that the teacher doesn't speak during the test. There are some moments we do have to do alone, not because the Atonement isn't enough, but because we show who we are when things aren't going right, we show what we truly want when we move forward anyway, even when rewards are missing. In the movie God's Not Dead 2 the main character is on trial for mentioning Jesus Christ in her history classroom. As the trial progresses and it seems all forces are arrayed against her we see her talking with her grandfather and she asks him why Jesus seems so far away. She asks why when she is standing for Christ, He doesn't seem to be there for her. Her grandfather answers with the test analogy. Yet as I sit and write tonight and though I believe that analogy now more than ever, I think the answer extends beyond that. Our Father in Heaven needs a faithful people, He needs a people who will stand for him at all costs. He knows what stands before us, He knows the forces of darkness are arrayed against us, He knows that eternal life requires an eternal sacrifice, He knows that children of light must have faith in the light, even when they are surrounded by darkness. He knows we must be tested before we are faced with trials that have the potential to break us, He knows that we must have a character of loyalty even when that loyalty is tested. He needs a humble people, a people and who truly submit like a child submits to their father. He needs a people who realize they are not enough on their own, that no matter the gifts and talents they have to offer they can't make it on their own. He needs a people who not only know Christ, but know why they need Him. He needs a people who will lean on Him, not on their own understanding. He intends the universe for us, but we need to give us first.

There is life, light and love all around, we are blessed, we are known and we are needed, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way, in those moments when God's love feels farthest, hold on to the light, hold onto His love, hold onto your purpose and remember He's making diamonds out of us.