I told myself tonight that I would be vulnerable tonight and share that, but I'm finding it is still hard to share what has infested my heart. I use the word infested very purposefully, because I didn't start out to become bitter, I didn't start out feeling as though I had been put apart. But it feels that with each act of kindness I try to offer others a dagger of bitterness pierces my heart that I just keep giving and giving and nothing ever seems to be reciprocated. It is interesting to me that we can start with pure intent, a true desire to lift the burdens of others, and to serve our Heavenly Father's children, yet as the laundry piles up, the sleep gets ever less, the stitches set just keep growing and the physical distance increases from those we love because we are so intent on doing things instead of blessing people those we love most end up on a back burner without any idea how they got there and we find ourselves isolated in our service forgetting that what got us started was love of people, not love of stuff.
Usually in my blogs I try to offer a solution or at least explain that I'm writing because I have come to a conclusion of sorts, yet tonight I am feeling very Martha-y and I don't have a solution. I am much cumbered about with serving and I feel I don't see a way out yet. As I told my sister earlier in the week I feel like for every good thing I attempt to add into my life it gets countered or twisted so much that I feel like I don't even recognize the action compared to the thought that started it. Her answer is that this is the definition of opposition, there will always be a counter, but sometimes always being countered is just exhausting.
I really do feel as if I have lost my way and I'm not sure where to go from here. Mind you this could be lack of sleep talking (I've pretty much averaged four and half to five hours a night of continuous sleep for the last week and I' learning the body, mind and spirit do need sleep to rejuvenate and function). I am pretty sure there is a good reason why the Lord commands us to get sleep in the Word of Wisdom.
But I also think there is more at stake than just lack of sleep, I really do feel I have lost my way, I'm not sure what I want anymore. It is part of the plan to set goals and work towards those goals, this helps us with self-discipline, gives us direction and purpose, but in order to set a goal one must for have a desire for something and I feel like in this season of my life what I desire is not up to my agency alone, but requires the input and integral action by others.
I guess what I really desire is to be where Heavenly Father when He needs me and to do His work, yet lately I've felt so caught up in the list of things that I put together, that I feel I have even missed that life changing desire. Where does one find the balance? I feel like I can enter the temple and find peace, joy, love and purpose there, yet leave and enter into the world only to feel lost, alone and confused again. My solution is to just go to the temple more often, but I don't think the Lord intends the temple to become a hidey hole, a refuge definitely, but not a place where we avoid our problems, but instead go to get the tools we need to work through our problems.
Perhaps these feelings are just growing pains, I know I am loved, I know that Heavenly Father offers me His protection and help, I know that when I mess up it is not the end and I know that sleep is important, so now perhaps I take the time to try again, to slow down, process, ponder, re-prioritize and try again. As Elder Holland says we do not fail as long as we stand up again. I may feel a bit lost, but my Savior will find me and I can find Him, and perhaps time is just what I need, even if I do feel a bit like Hugh B Brown's bush. I am trying to be my Father's servant and that means He has a work for me to do it.
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