Don't be afraid to receive

Here it is another Sunday night, where does the time go? Sometimes I feel like I am in a headlong sprint, but I'm not sure where it is I am running to. Sometimes we can be so caught up in the busyness of each day that we can forget where it is we hope to go.



Tonight I received a priesthood blessing, I can't say that I was aware of a distinct need for one, I just sort of felt like I should ask for one. In doing so I received a blessing that caught me completely unawares, the Lord mentioned things that I hadn't even realized were on my mind and brought up things that sort of felt were from left field. What I did feel most deeply is that Heavenly Father has the long view, even if I feel so stuck in what is happening today.

I think the thing I had reinforced the most to me this week is that the adversary can use anything to stir up opposition and that consistency is really our best defense. Bare in mind this consistency will then most likely stir up more opposition, but it is really the thing that gives you sanity.

This week Christopher and I embraced the new and unexpected and we bought a car, an amazing car that will get us beautifully from point A to point B and has more bells and whistles than I ever expected in a vehicle. It is amazingly fantastic. And it has stirred up more doubt, fear, worry and freak outs than I ever thought possible. It's not as if we did this completely on the spur of the moment. I have been planning and preparing for a new car for months, I had been figuring out budgets and needs, the things I wanted/needed in a car and fighting my own self doubts about allowing myself to have nice things and not just hand me downs. The moment this week when we got this car was one of six months and more of planning. Yet somehow every morning since has been filled with doubts, worries, fears, regrets, and freak outs. I could still feel in my heart that the initial choice was a good one, yet there was so much noise in my head I often wondered if it was really worth it and wondering if I really could have nice things.  It took full concentrate to forcefully encourage those voices and doubts to leave and to focus on what I felt when I first started the process.


Now some might say I am reading way more into this situation than is warranted, but I think there can be much to learn from any situation in this life, especially the new things we have never done before. For me this happened to be a new car. This week I have learned that Satan doesn't want us to find joy, he wants to discourage us and he wants us to doubt. The more we learn and grow and expand ourselves the more he shouts and rages. But we do have a choice, we can choose to tell him to leave, we can choose to hold onto the direction we received and we can choose to consistently do the good things even when Satan tells us it isn't worth it.

Why do you think Satan tries to discourage us so much from being consistent? I came to the understanding this week that he fights against our consistency so much because he knows consistency leads to perfection. We become what we repeatedly do. If he can stop us from doing the good things consistently then he can stop us from becoming and growing. If he can stop us from positive thinking, if he weighs us down so fully in doubts and fears, then we give up, never realizing that we are so close to all that Heavenly Father has for us. That gift our Father has for us will look different to each of us, but believing He does have great things for us allows Him to do wonders in our lives. He wants to surprise us with the extra special. I didn't set out to buy a car with extras, I just needed a car to go from point A to B, but sometimes we can have the good and the great and we shouldn't feel bad about it, we should be thankful for the gift and be willing to share the good and the great. Heavenly Father has a way of blessing those He knows will extend that blessing to others. Don't be afraid to receive and always find joy in the giving.



Joy D Jones also talked about growing through enticement, her remarks when a long way in helping understand what was happening this week and to be grateful for the opportunity to grow, though unexpected. You can find her remarks here.

Tomorrow is something new entirely

I think weekends are my time for learning, probably because all through the week I am simply rushing around to keep up and on weekends I have some time to breathe. And can I just say how important it is to take that time to breathe.

Can I just say that temple withdrawals are real. A lot of the craziness and struggles of the last weeks have all occurred while the temple was closed and I was feeling it. I hadn't realized how much until my temple shift yesterday. I had sort of been hoping that just walking into the temple would help me find the peace I had been seeking for weeks and it wasn't as forthcoming as I had hoped.

After prayer meeting (for the ordinance workers) I found myself in a training meeting for assisting with own endowments. In a moment of self awareness I noticed that I was leaning back in my chair, with my arms and legs crossed, with a bit of a feeling of "okay impress me, or teach me something" as I realized what I was doing I heard the Spirit whisper something to the effect of "I'm not here to impress you, are you here to learn?' I realized that my attitude of sitting back waiting to receive wasn't going to get me what I wanted, I needed to wake up, sit forward and open my heart to what was already being offered and what could be offered.

With that improved attitude my experience in the temple also improved. As I went to officiate in initiatory I was struck by the promise given to Aaron and to all of us (found in Exodus). That when we go to the temple we are washed, anointed, and we are sanctified. As I extended those promises to those who I assisted I realized that clean-ness isn't just a gift we receive on Sundays as we partake of the sacrament or at our baptism. It is a gift we can access everyday. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ each new day we wake up is a fresh start. Each day we can choose to grow, learn, try new things and become something different than the day before.

This doesn't mean that we won't make mistakes, we most likely will, as L.M. Montgomery said in Anne of Avalon "each new day is clean with no mistakes in it...yet". Each new day can be a fresh start. We don't have to stay stuck in old programs and dialogues, we don't have to be forever stuck in who we were yesterday, last week, last month or last year. Our Savior knows that we will make mistakes, it is the reason He walked into the Garden of Gethsemane and suffered for us, it is why He hung on a cross, He wanted us to be able to move forward. The inability to move forward, to let go of what was and embrace what was very literally dams our progress. Our Savior didn't want us to be dammed, so He bled and died for us, He gave us the blessings and covenants of the temple so that we could freely move forward.

As I offered the promises and blessings of the initiatory to those there I felt those same promises given to me. I felt my Savior saying to me that I could let go of the last month, I didn't need to hold onto the bitterness of the past month, I could heal the black hole inside me, I could choose the light and let the darkness become a long ago memory. I felt Him say to me that I can be clean, I can be clean of my sins of omission, I could be clean of the sadness, frustration and pain. I could become something new.

Having felt that for myself, I can promise you, He offers that to you too. It doesn't matter what you felt you have done wrong, it doesn't matter how many times you mess up, Christ's atonement doesn't just kick in as you stand at the bar of judgement, it is available to you each day as you wake up each day with a fresh start to try to do and become something new.

Forgive yourself for what was and embrace what can be, Christ is already there encouraging you to be more than you think you can be in this moment. He sees the big picture and He has great dreams for you. No matter where you are today, tomorrow is something new entirely.

He is in it for the long haul

Hello Everybody!!! It is wonderful to be with you tonight. I find myself rather excited to write tonight. Part of that is because I am very excited for what I am hoping to share and also because I think I have found me again. For a long time I have felt cut off, isolated and voiceless, this weekend I think I found my voice again.

I'd like to start with a quote by William Blake, he said "I sought myself and myself I could not see, I sought my God and He alluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three." I went to a training* this weekend and as I learned how to reopen my heart and embrace others I found myself again and I finally felt God's love in a way that I really needed. At this training we were challenged to give 10 hugs to people during the break. If you had asked me to do this even last week I would have turned you down flat, asking why I had to go out of my way to do it, when no one else was (as far as I can tell I was one of the few going up to complete strangers and giving them hugs, and I mean real hugs, not the touch arms then jump apart kind). I would have asked inside my mind why I should put myself out. But instead I took this as an opportunity to try to lift another, so I asked the Spirit for help and looked for those in need of a hug. As I tapped people on the shoulder and asked if I could give them a hug I had a wonderful opportunity to share love with them, to hold on longer than is the norm and take a moment to feel their spirit, to understand their need to feel loved and to feel the love of my Savior for them. How precious it was to hold these complete strangers in my arms and feel a love for them and for myself that I didn't even realize existed.

At this training we were encouraged to assume the best of others, that as we encountered someone and saw a look on their faces that past experience would tell us is negative, to instead see the positive. "To choose to love them no matter what, we don't have to move in with them, unless we want to, but to simply choose to see the best in them and love them." (Kim Duncan). We will run into so many people in this life, some will treat us kindly, some will treat us poorly. Instead of assuming they are out to get us or assume that they are failing at life, we need to have in our minds that they are doing the best that they can. We don't know what is going on in their lives, we don't know what life experiences have colored their view, we don't know how the muscles in their face rest. If we set in our minds that they are giving their 100% and we give our 100% then we come away feeling we have done our best in a good thing.

I think another thing that I was forcefully reminded of is that I can ask other people for help. One of the things that I have struggled with the most is the fear of other people's pity, of telling other too much and leaving me alone because what is going on in my life is too scary to bare and share. Satan has been working overtime on this fear, he had me so convinced that people wouldn't understand me, that if they did care they would show it in all the wrong ways and that they probably wouldn't care. The more I talk with other people the more I realize we all have trials, we all have things that cause our lives to feel hard, overwhelming and painful...who am I to share my pain around? Is my life really so hard that I have a right to share it?  The thing is our experiences aren't on some gradient scale, "oh you only got a B on a test you studied really hard for, boohoo for you" vs "your child just died of cancer, that actually is sad". Yes one may look much more serious than the other, but to each person in the middle of that moment they deserve compassion, they deserve kindness because they are a mortal struggling with the frailties of mortality and disappointment. Perhaps a key of this life is to not grade trial or to make comparisons at all. Satan would tell us that our struggle is such that no one would understand, so he cuts us off from those who we need the most.

Case in point, having slowly cut myself off from quite a few people the last few months (not hermit style, just selective discussion style) I realized last night that I need to start rebuilding. I began with my dear sweet mother in law. As I asked a simply question I came to understand that Satan had messed with my thinking so much he had cut me off from one of my greatest allies, kept me from someone who has a unique understanding of where I am coming from and my joys and disappointments. She also has a benefit of the long view that I don't have. In finally opening up to her I was able to find perspective that I had lost, hope that had been missing, and joy of not feeling so alone. These new perspectives don't change circumstances, but they make all the difference in the world because our heart can change and with a changed heart everything changes.

If Satan has told you lies, has told you you are alone or misunderstood, or that someone is out to get you or is just being so rude. I would encourage you to evaluate your perspective on your relationships and see what assumptions you've made. For just one day, assume that everyone is doing their best, that they love you, and we're all trying, you will see amazing results. I can already feel some of my desire wearing down to be as open as I can, I struggle with self doubt. But we can all start from somewhere and try to do just a little better the next day.

One last thing, a dear friend that I met at the training said something to me that has helped me so much in my thinking. I had begun asking myself what is the point to do what I do each day, I just have to redo it again the next. She shared with me what the Spirit shared with her "work is endless because progression is endless". If we want to gain all that progression has to offer, which is endless, then we must be willing to pay the price endlessly. We will be blessed in this effort. As she said, if progression means doing dishes every day, then I am going to be the best darn dish washer I can be. If sometimes we face disappointment or frustration, that is simply another step in endless progression.

The Lord has an amazing destiny for us and that destiny is reached through making and strengthening relationships and to find the joy in the little things that bring us closer to Him. He is in it for the long haul, are we?

Christ has already fought our battles, and He won.


*Queen of the Kingdom through 3keyelements.com

Who was there all along

 A year or two ago I wrote a post called The Voice that Lies* in that post I talked about the three voices in our minds, The Spirit, our own personal voice (the essence of who we are) and the adversary's voice, that which lies and manipulates our emotions. If you'd like to read that post you can find the URL at the bottom of the page. The summary was that we need to be conscious of the voices and to invite the Spirit to help us to discern truth so that in those split second moments when we have the choice whether to believe the lies and choose to feel negatively about something or to recognize the lie we choose to reject the lie and trust the good. I've been thinking a lot about this moment of decision and reminding myself that I have the choice to control my emotions, they don't have to control me.

But what happens when we are under attack and we don't see the moment of choice for what it is, what do we do when the voices in our mind get so loud, so persistent, so persuasive, so overwhelming and so powerful that we don't see the moment when we make a choice to feel lonely, to feel exhausted, to feel attacked, to feel alone, to feel picked on, to feel that life is unfair? What do we do when we feel like we just can't take it anymore, when we begin to believe that life isn't fair (as a reminder mortal life was not created to be fair, it was created for us to learn through injustice, to fight against pain and disappointment to see the good when it seems darkness and unfairness is prevailing), that no one cares about us, that we are doomed to an endless cycle of drudgery, chores, and upheaval in our minds, that we will always feel cut off from others and separate because our life experience seems so different from their's?

I wish that these were rhetorical questions, that they were generalizations with no grounding in fact or real life. Yet when one seeks for Christ in a world growing in darkness Satan plays a game of no holds barred. He is seeking our souls brothers and sisters, he knows he can't win, he knows and has known that he couldn't win, from the very moment that he chose contrary to our Father's plan he knew he would lose. His only consolation is to try to take as many of our Father's children with him when he loses. This means he doesn't attack us in our strength (though he'll always send a temptation or two just to see if we've grown complacent) this means he'll kick us while we are down and see how many spiritual ribs he can break. This means that he will attack us in our sorrow and confusion and see how long he can keep us wallowing in sadness and fear. This means that he won't give us a breather, he sees this as a fight to the death and we need to realize this is serious. Our very souls are at stake and we need to be willing to put all we have into the fight.
   
   I am quite certain that I am not the first to feel overwhelmed and under armed nor will I be the last. We all have felt our moments of despair, we have all felt at the end of our rope, unsupported, facing the darkness alone and unaided. The key is to realize that this is the voice that lies who is telling you those things. He knows he has more power when you feel you have no power to call upon.

   So in moments of darkness and drowning when you feel you have no hope to reach out to, I hope that you will call upon our Savior, He has all power against that darkness, He can pierce it and cast it out, which is why Satan speaks so loudly that Christ won't, because he knows it isn't a matter of can't. When you feel the distance between you and your Savior widening remember that He walked into a garden and knelt by a rock and prayed for you, He was raised on a cross for you, He walked from a tomb for you. He is the Savior of the World and He is the Captain of your salvation. Your Savior and mine will give you the space you need to take a breath, He will clear the mists from your eyes so that you can see the lies you've been told. Now this doesn't mean the darkness will automatically leave, as much as Christ fights for us, Satan fights against us, he is seeking our souls and he doesn't give up easily, but he must leave when we tell him to. So we seek our Savior to give us the strength to tell our adversary to leave. We seek our loving Savior to reach out to us and pull us from our chasm and we keep seeking the light until we find it.



  I testify that the light will come. All our problems won't be solved, we wouldn't learn the lessons of mortality if they did, but we will gain clearer vision, we will find hope, we will see that there is reason to continue, to keep trying. Whatever holds we can face it because as we learn in the Old Testament, there are more that be with us than they that be with them (Satan and his followers). We are watched over. If there comes a moment of chaos, darkness, doubt, fear and pain call upon our Savior and in His name cast out Satan and those who follow him, Satan will leave and with his leaving we will feel our Savior who was there all along, we just needed the space to feel Him again. This is a fight, but we aren't in it alone.
 






*http://ofchoicesandconsequences.blogspot.com/2016/08/the-voice-that-lies.html

We are farther along than we think

I think one of the big struggles of our day is to find purpose in each new day. Time feels like it is rushing by, I heard someone say that the days are long and the years are short and I think I believe them. Each day of the week feels like a year in and of itself, filled with emotion, some good some bad, filled with tedium and too much excitement; then at the end of the week I find myself wondering how in the world it is already Saturday or in this case Sunday.



What I'm coming to find out is that if I don't make a conscious effort to be engaged and live with intention that I can go a whole week simply surviving instead of progressing. Sure that progression may only come in fits and starts and may not be as all encompassing or earth shattering as I would like to be, but progress even if by a 1/4 of an inch is still progress.

I think the biggest battle in this life is to just keep trying, to keep trying even without revelation, to keep trying without noticeable results, to keep trying when you are frustrated, to keep trying when you are confused, to keep trying when things get messy, to keep going even when every part of you just wants to give up because you don't even know why you are doing this anymore. As mentioned before most people will give up on something after two weeks if they don't see results...what I'm coming to see is that very few things in this life actually change in two weeks. I was looking at some of my blogs from December and realized I've been trying to improve my sleep schedule since before December. You know what...I stayed up until midnight last night. From a distance that would look like I am still failing because I'm still staying up later than I wanted to when I first started. However with a closer look I realized some things. First, I'm not crashing on the couch anymore and waking up at 1 a.m to head to bed. Second, the tv isn't on as late at our house as it used to be. This means that I'm spending less time in front of the tv and more time with my husband. Third, I have a much more solid and useful night time routine than I used to. Sure my actual time headed to bed might not have improved as much as I had hoped, but I am different than I was, and I have made improvements I hadn't even imagined when I started this journey 8 months ago.

Sometimes when the change we are seeking doesn't come the way we want or expected we can be tempted to give up and through in the towel. Sometimes when we start feeling frustrated we can be tempted to fall back into negative thought patterns and reside in the darkness in self-pity. I would guess that those moments are actually the moments when we are closest to success, perhaps not the "I have magically and suddenly reached the end all be all goal I have been seeking" but instead the "oh Heavenly Father, I see what you did there, that is a nice silver lining/added bonus to this endeavor."  Each time that we seek to become a better person, each time that we renew our effort to wear off a rough edge, each time that we look at ourselves and ask Heavenly Father what we might do to become a better vessel for His work, He knows we are embracing our divine DNA instead of our mortal DNA. He realizes this will be a life long effort and He knows that once we make the effort to change He can step in and with grace change us in ways we never expected. Satan realizes this as well, which is why he works so hard to keep us overwhelmed, over worked and exhausted. He doesn't want to give us the time to look at ourselves and see how we might change and he works doubly hard to discourage us in our change efforts because he doesn't want grace applied to our lives.

So if you are feeling discouragement tonight, if you feel like you have tried to change time and time again and you aren't any closer to your objective, I would encourage you to sit down and think about how you have changed in the last year, what things do you do differently now then you did then. Thank Heavenly Father for them, then ask Him how He and the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you change more. You might be surprised what He has to say to you. I know the road is long and dark at times (I am still walking mine with some patches of sunlight as I go along), I know that it is frustrating to try and try and never seem to get closer to what you want. But remember, Heavenly Father gave you and nurtured in you that desire to change because He also saw all the peripheral changes that could come along the way. Be kind to yourself and to others, we can't always see where we ourselves or those around us started, but I promise you, we are farther along that we think and we do have Heaven's help to keep on going. This is just another step in an eternal journey, and I'm grateful for the time I have in this life to start that journey.

Choosing the Positive

   I realized something earlier this week, Satan wants me isolated and he wants me not to feel. There is a phrase in scripture called "past feeling" I used to think that that just meant past feeling guilty but as I faced two weekends ago and the repercussions of that night and the fear I felt from not feeling in the moment and as I've thought back on it I realized if we aren't feeling then we aren't afraid or concerned or well anything. When we feel scared or concerned or worried we generally reach out to other people and especially to Heavenly Father. When we don't feel anything we hide away because we wonder what's wrong with us and when we don't feel we don't want to be around people with emotion. Generally numbness comes from a piling on of too much negative emotion, so we want to hide from the possibility of more negative emotion so we isolate ourselves, hoping that if we stay away long enough we won't pile anything else on and maybe somehow feel again.

   After coming to this conclusion, I finally shared more of what was on my mind with my family and you know what, it was very freeing. True it was scary to let others see what was really going on, but it was freeing knowing those thoughts weren't just stuck inside me anymore. It is a strange paradox that we can be doing our best to hide what is really going on inside of us so no one sees our struggle, then wonder why no one is asking us what's wrong. The fact is if we don't share, then others can't know. This life is too short to hold everything inside of us all the time. Yes I understand that there is a correct time and place for sharing, but we also need to be willing to share when the opportunity presents itself.

   Of course once you begin to share it can be like a tidal wave of emotion and thought start building up and bursting forth. Two weeks ago was the first time that I shared that experience so close to the moment of it actually happening and let's just say this recovery time period has been much different than any other. I don't know if it's because me doing something different has triggered a new sequence of events or if I finally did something to help me heal instead of just tamp down and so now opposition has risen to keep me in chaos, regardless of which it is my thoughts have been very stirred up these last two weeks. I am still struggling to find the God I knew. I know He hasn't changed, but I am struggling to see Him as He truly is. Right now I just feel so overwhelmed, so pulled in so many different directions that I'm not sure how to find peace, because it is peace I feel I am lacking. Yes I do know of coping techniques or things I could do to improve what's going on, but I feel so exhausted that I'm struggling to do them. In the mix of all of this I am still trying to improve my sleeping routine and actually go to bed at night. This is the first time I have really had to battle to do a righteous thing. No I am not perfect, in fact I am far from it. I realize I have a tendency to be selfish and want attention (I mean I am writing a blog). But most things come generally easily to me. Word of Wisdom hasn't been an issue, wearing garments was never a struggle, R-rated movies haven't been a trouble, yet somehow going to bed at a decent time has brought me to my knees begging for the help of heaven (when I'm not feeling rebellious or non committal). I guess this just shows me we really do have our pet sins, Satan won't try to tempt us with immorality if he can get us to gossip or tempt us with the Word of Wisdom if he can just get us to stay up late so we are so tired we can't feel the Spirit and so frazzled we feel we can't do more. The irony of this life, it is the small things that make the biggest difference.

  In the midst of the swirl of all these things I was reminded that I can choose to be in control of my emotions, they don't rule me. Because I chose to entertain negativity, the negative is all I saw. Satan can make the negative so much more relatable to us in our mortal state than seeing the positive. But that doesn't make the negative completely true. Sure the trash wasn't taken out yesterday, that doesn't make anyone a failure, it just means sometimes we forget. Don't let Satan dictate how you feel about those in your life. You will be tempted to see the negative, but you can choose to look past the negative and see the good too. It is amazing what one negative thought does. It crushes your spirit and places a dark filter over your vision so all you see is the bad. Negativity is contagious. Conversely when you have one positive thought sometimes you have to fight for the next one, but as you fight for the positive you feel a smile lifting the edges of your mouth and a friend and companion where just moments before you saw an enemy. The adversary wants us enemies, our Savior hopes for us to be friends, we can choose the good and we can find light. Sure I still have a rats nest in my head, but I know I will do better choosing the positive than the dark.

To not let the darkness take root

     Would you like to know a funny thing? This week's post is even harder to write than last week's. Why you might ask? Because it's hard to know what to say. It's hard for anyone to know what to say once they have heard something intensely personal and a little bit heavy. We don't want to say something belittling or to cause more hurt or harm so we tend to not say much, so then there's an awkward pause or we change the subject to something else. I get it and that's why I tend not to say anything because there is almost nothing worse then telling something of a close-to-the-heart nature and have it just hang there, that's why generally when people ask how I'm doing I say I'm fine, because I have no desire to face that awkwardness or even worse to see pity in their eyes. It is a fragile thing to tell people that your life and marriage isn't what it looks like on the surface, of course I think that is true for everyone. We all have hard things, they look different from each other, but they are still hard. Whether it is the fact you haven't slept for a week because your toddler and newborn are taking turns being up, through the whole night. Or whether your toddler can't make up their mind whether they love you or hate you and it's different everyday, or if your spouse is really stressed and you are feeling very stressed trying to help them make it through. Or if your child has said they are leaving the church and you don't know what to do or whether you are sitting across from your spouse and wondering how things are really going beneath the surface. Or maybe it is something that people wouldn't really label as hard, you are just really busy with a church calling, supporting a spouse, running a non-profit, trying to keep up with grand kids, who knows what it is that is going on in your life, you are still worth having someone check in on you, you are still worth receiving support. In a world where Zion truly has come it doesn't matter what defcon level we face, we just care about people. I realize I can do a lot better at this, generally I feel so caught up in my own things that the idea of checking in on one other person overwhelms me to the point of jitteryness. Then Heavenly Father says "don't worry about all those things, I just need you to bring cookies to that family over there who is struggling" and somehow being able to focus on just that one thing clears your mind and gives you purpose, because you know you did the Lord's errand and that's ultimately what you were hoping for with all your long lists of things to do.

 So how am I doing? I don't know how to answer that question. At a training I went to this weekend I was taught we all need letting go techniques and as I listened I realized this is one of mine, this is where I learn, this is where Heavenly Father teaches me things. We all need a place where we feel safe being us, we need a sphere where we can express without judgement and see with clearer eyes what is really going on in our lives.

   So here goes with the semi clearer eyes...I'm still struggling. I'm struggling not because things are still in upheaval, but because they are not, because things are calm. I faced an epoch of sorts in my life and then came Monday morning everything was "normal" again. It was as if nothing had happened, my relationship returns to evenness and I'm left wondering what in the world just happened. I try to not dwell on the past and just move forward, yet my spirit knows that something major happened and I don't know how to just let it go. I admit that for a time this week I let myself get a bit too near and dear with self-pity, I developed an attitude of frustration asking myself why depression couldn't have just stayed away, I had been telling myself that the future was bright and creating beautiful dreams and then they all came crashing down. I am ashamed to admit some martyr syndrome came as well, I let myself feel picked on and woeful. And you know what, I felt darkness, I felt darkness because that is the only perspective I let in. We see the world according to the labels we give it and according to how we choose to filter it before it comes into our heart. Because I labelled things negatively all I saw was darkness and reasons to complain because of my picked on state. And because I chose to focus on those emotions that's all I felt. It wasn't until I went to Heavenly Father and asked Him to not only remove those emotions, but to replace them that I finally felt that filter be removed and I could feel His love again. Letting Him bring light back into my life was one of the best decisions of my week. Yet it was still a bit of blow that it didn't miraculously sweep away my chaos or bring perfect answers and circumstances. 

To be honest looking at things from a week away I am split down the middle. One side of me feels as if my whole life was once more turned upside down and the other side of me (unlike Fiddler on the Roof there are only two sides here) feels like last week was no big deal and I'm making something more out of it than I should. Thinking about it or sharing it with some who have talked with me I feel as if I am whining and I should just keep my mouth shut because it isn't a big deal and I shouldn't worry anybody else because they'd be worrying for nothing.

 There are still elements of confusion, loneliness, sadness (a whole myriad of things from last week I haven't faced yet) and they could very well drag me down, even with things on the surface seemingly fine. Yet for today I choose not to entertain those thoughts. Yes I know I need to process them, tamping them down just leaves an explosion for later. But I also don't want them to rule my every thought or determine my filter. I'm in a new place I've never been before and I'm curious to see where we go from here. So today I choose to say

                                      I am an empowered daughter of God

                                      I see the light in others

                                       I say truth with love and kindness

                                      I love all of God's children, no matter background or perspective

                                      I do the work of Heavenly Father

                                      I feel the love of heaven

                                      I am a servant of my Savior

And perhaps that is what it is to be Christlike, to not let the darkness take root even when we feel like its our due. He faced many forces of darkness yet He chose the light.