A New You

Wow, where did 2017 just go? I know I've talked many a time about time going faster, but this just feels a bit ridiculous.

In the stage of life I'm currently at it sometimes feels like accomplishments are marked only through degrees, pregnancy, job promotions, getting a house, getting a dog or moving across the country, as someone who feels that they haven't accomplished any of those things (it is true I did reach staff status at the library on campus, which has been an amazing blessing, just easily overlooked because I've worked there so long...I guess that is why I write this blog, to take a step back and remember) the year that I held out such great hope for as being amazing and decisive, though good, hasn't felt all that ground-breaking or life-altering. In my world that seems full of everyone around announcing a pregnancy, a birth, a new job or starting a masters program I have found myself the last few days feeling rather stagnant.

I have been setting goals, trying to learn new things and implement positive changes in my life, yet they have been small things, trying to figure out how to go to bed on time instead of falling asleep on the couch, trying to dedicate more time to scripture study to increase my knowledge and invite the Spirit, learning to think before I speak so that I don't unintentionally wound or hurt those I love and those around me, learning to think about what could be possible instead of just focusing on what is at the current time and learning that I am softening around the edges. All of these things are good and important, they help me be a more well-rounded person and help me refine my character to be more of who I want to be as the years pass by. Yet for the most part they aren't necessarily things you bring up in everyday conversation, they aren't things you parade around or overly advertise because they are internal battles and struggles that are just that internal and private. It is hard to see the progress in the day to day, when it feels like every time you open your mouth something unintended still comes out or you fall asleep on the couch for the sixth night in a row (even if you do wake up before 1 am for the first time in those six days) or you sleep through that half hour of scripture study again. Often the adversary has us focus on the things we messed up or missed again because he doesn't want us to see that though the changes are incremental and hard to see at any given time that a change has occurred and that our hearts are in process of softening and re-forming to be a kinder version of ourselves.

I hope that in this new year we don't only take the time to see what we aren't accomplishing or lamenting over the things that didn't happen, but that also see the incremental changes that mean so much, that bring a new spirit into our lives and greater opportunities for growth and improvement. Whether the changes that come into your life are great or small they all matter and they all are life changing and amazing. Let Christ be your guide and whether great or small you will find a new you and that is a wondrous gift. I am constantly amazed at Heavenly Father's grace in my life. So often I do fall short of what I hope to be and so often I can preach a good sermon and still fall short in the application, yet everytime I take a step back and realize I am not who I want to be and I have once more lived below my potential and privilege, there is my Father and my Savior waiting with me as I try to try again and to embrace where I am as well as where I can one day be.

If We Invite Him In

I loved our Christmas program in sacrament meeting this year, we sang the hymns we love so dear, yet more than that we not only heard of Christ's birth, but also of His life in both the Old and New world. In our modern world we sometimes hear that Heavenly Father sent His son as a baby because a baby is more approachable than a grown man as Savior of the world and to a certain extent, I think that is true. Just look at the many of the world that chose to go to church on Christmas, but not necessarily any other time of the year or those whose hearts are softened and are more willing to give at the time of a baby in Bethlehem than at any other time of the year. But I also think that it is more than that.

In fact, here's some irony, many of those on earth at the time of Christ's birth and life couldn't accept that He was the Savior because He had come as a babe. They were expecting a political Savior. The house of Israel's lot in life at this stage of history was very grim, they were a minority facing political oppression and those in Jerusalem faced an especially hard time not only did they face political oppression, fear of persecution, fear of injury, fear of imprisonment, fear of death (in the Meridian of time many were hoping for and seeking a Savior, they were expecting a political Savior, someone to ride in on a stallion, armor and a host of warriors to storm Jerusalem and overthrow Herod the Great {and later Herod Antipas}, this meant that the Herods often imprisoned Jews and persecuted them to de-moralize them and stop assassination attempts before they were enacted, during this time there were many riots in the streets, many Jews imprisoned and murdered for the name of peace). With this knowledge can we blame the Jews for hoping for a fighting Messiah, can we blame them for seeking hope from continued violence and persecution? Then add the religious turmoil within the Jewish faith. Jews at that time knew that their high priest had sold out to the tetrarchy and that the rulers of the temple were using Korban* (sacred, set aside) temple funds to build aquaducts for the glory of Rome. There were many who were faithful and continued living the law of Moses the best they could, but I'm sure they wondered if their obedience was enough with corruption in the positions of those that were supposed to be helping them draw nearer to God.

Then you have other groups who have put up so many laws, ordinances and suggestions around the Law of Moses, that they no longer lived the law or remembered the Spirit and purpose of the Law, which was to draw them nearer to the Savior and Messiah. Since the days of Adam mankind has looked to Jehovah, Yahweh, the Savior of all mankind who would come to save them from their sins. Yet in the environment of Christ's birth many had forgotten what His coming could mean, many thought He would come with a flaming sword and others had lost any hope that He would even come at all.

Yet He did come, I testify that He came to earth as a baby to draw all men to Him and back to His Father. Christ came as a babe, not just to be less intimidating, but to understand what it is to be a baby dependent on someone else for everything, to be a toddler learning to walk His first steps, to be a five year old and understand what it is when someone doesn't like you for the first time, to be a teenager with teenage angst and confusion, to be a young man learning His way in the world and to be a man without a home and with few true friends. Our Savior is our Savior and Redeemer not just because of a night in a garden when He felt our pains and sins and not just because He died on a cross and rose from a garden tomb (though without these things He couldn't have been our Savior), He is our Savior and Redeemer because He also was born in a manager after leaving a throne. Because He learned grace by grace, because He understands loneliness, sadness, happiness and joy, because He lived them. He didn't just experience our joys and sorrows, He experienced His own so that He has true empathy. He knows us, He knows mortality, He knows the sting of effort un-received, of things not going as He'd hoped and of sometimes sitting alone. Our Savior came here down below so that He could walk with us in perfect understanding and exalt us to heights we never knew existed.

Christmas starts in a lowly stable, with a poor mother and father not knowing how to get to what needed to happen next, with shepherds of the temple flock, shepherds who had long tended sheep that would go to the temple to be sacrificed for the sins of the people, these shepherds were the first to see the final necessary sacrifice for All mankind. These shepherds saw the last korban** first born son, they who had provided the needed lambs for sacrifice for all the house of Israel saw the Savior of all of Israel, and all of God's children everywhere. Then came the wise men declaring to the world that not only had they met an equal in the gifts they gave Him, but they had met the King of all Kings. Then came Simeon and Anna at the temple who had received the promise that they would see their Savior before their death and they added their testimony to His eternal and immortal work. Then came His disciples who saw Him preform miracles, who blessed bread and fed the five thousand, who healed the sick and raised the dead and saw Christ, their Savior and friend return to life. Then comes the martyrs through the centuries protecting, living and dying for the truth of a Savior. Then came Joseph Smith who restored knowledge, truth and ordinances that were lost and now comes us.

We are called to Live for Christ. We are called to not only go to that stable and see Him as a babe, we are called to see Him as a Man, as a Savior, as our Redeemer. Just as the Jews in the meridian of time no longer knew who their Savior was or how He would come, we live in a world that has largely forgotten their Savior and has forgotten that He comes to us. He lived a  mortal life to know our lives and to succor us and He comes in His own time and His own way to each of us. May we let Him in, in this mortal journey that can be full of joy and pain. May we always make room for the babe of Bethlehem, for the King of Kings, for our Savior and our Friend. He came for us, now we live for Him and please let Him in. Embrace the life and path He prepared for you, for ultimately that path will lead us closer to Him, if we invite Him in.




*Corban [N] [S]a Hebrew word adopted into the Greek of the New Testament and left untranslated. It occurs only once ( Mark 7:11 ). It means a gift or offering consecrated to God. Anything over which this word was once pronounced was irrevocably dedicated to the temple. Land, however, so dedicated might be redeemed before the year of jubilee ( Leviticus 27:16-24 ). https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/corban/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korban

**All first born sons in Israel were considered korban, set aside for God's purposes and His work.  The tribe of Levi fulfilled the role of temple workers for the entire house of Israel. Thus first born sons were brought to the temple to be redeemed through the sacrifice of a lamb from that role.

the Light of the World

   I feel like Christmas spirit was really easy as a child. As I have shared in previous years I loved seeing the lights twinkling on the tree, re-arranging the nativity and imagining myself with the shepherds or singing with the angels, joining the choir for the Christmas program and enjoying sneaking around stores trying to avoid other members of my family as we were all shopping for our Christmas exchange gifts. Even as an older teenager I had a certain sense of Christmas awe, I have always felt the spirit of Santa Clause, for Santa Clause has a certain embodiment of loving kindness, of secret giving and sharing the love of God with all mankind, even now as a Santa Clause of sorts in my own home I love making the preparations for Christmas morning.

   Yet this year hasn't felt the same. This is my first year having a 40 hrs a week job and a spouse, the responsibilities of full time employment, cleaning the house and preparing for gift giving seems to have zapped me of my normal Christmas zeal. Even putting up the Christmas tree and seeing the lights twinkling and Christmas music playing hasn't filled my heart with the usual Christmas joy.

   The snow has definitely helped me feel the "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" theme more and I do love me the snow and Christmas lights on houses combination, yet I haven't felt the same warmth in my heart. Even after two years of marriage (I realize that even years down the road some of these things might still perplex me) I still struggle with the balancing of old and new family traditions, of how different families have unique holiday plans and styles, and that sometimes more flexibility than less is required.
    Tonight as I've been trying to figure out why my previous holiday spirit is proving most elusive this year I realized it is because I was focusing on the wrong things. First and foremost I wanted things to be the way they used to be instead of realizing that things change and instead of pining over days gone by it is better to embrace the new. And as I pondered I also realized that I had forgotten the true purpose of Christmas. Now I say purpose instead of meaning, because we can remember the true meaning of Christmas and still lose our way. The true meaning of Christmas, at least in my mind, is to celebrate the life of Christ and the gift of His Son Heavenly Father gave to the world. The purpose of this season is to share that love with those around us. In becoming caught up in a specific feeling of Christmas, in wanting old traditions over new experiences and in being just plain self-ish I had missed that love is at the forefront of this holiday. Why do we have a holiday all about gift-giving? It is because the day began with the greatest gift given to mankind, the gift of life-giving love through the gift of our Savior Jesus Christ. The gift of love in the form of a sinless sacrifice who gave His life out of love that we might live with His father once more. This season is about reunion, about remembering the gift of love and placing that gift first in our lives. Placing that gift first will look differently to each of us, we each are on a different path and on a different place on that path as we as individuals return back to our Heavenly Father. But if I may, I think that love must needs go first to those we chose for eternity.

The world blares that Christmas should look a certain way, that specific things are necessary for the holiday to be just so, and I'm not talking about materialism (we already realize that this is something to try to avoid) because Christmas is the time we celebrate the coming of the Light of the World coming to earth, this is also a time when Satan works to detract, distract and keep us from finding Christ-like love at Christmas. Christmas falls near the darkest night of the year so that we have a reminder of life, light and hope. We must fight for that light by sharing that love. I used to think love just happened, now I'm coming to realize that it is a continuous choice and one that must be fought for, chosen and loved.

I hope we can take time for quiet pondering in which we can talk with the Light of World to learn how we can share His light and His love with those around us, remember those ways might surprise you.

Growing Pains

it is very easy to lose yourself and it can happen so quickly. We get caught up in doing good things, but can still miss the greater good thing. Jesus once taught through parables about good servants doing good deeds then asked his disciples "why should a servant receive great praise for doing what he was hired to do?" I've been pondering on that A Lot the last few weeks. I enjoy being engaged in good work, I enjoy serving others and trying to help in making their burdens light, yet so often I feel my efforts go un-received.

I told myself tonight that I would be vulnerable tonight and share that, but I'm finding it is still hard to share what has infested my heart. I use the word infested very purposefully, because I didn't start out to become bitter, I didn't start out feeling as though I had been put apart. But it feels that with each act of kindness I try to offer others a dagger of bitterness pierces my heart that I just keep giving and giving and nothing ever seems to be reciprocated. It is interesting to me that we can start with pure intent, a true desire to lift the burdens of others, and to serve our Heavenly Father's children, yet as the laundry piles up, the sleep gets ever less, the stitches set just keep growing and the physical distance increases from those we love because we are so intent on doing things instead of blessing people those we love most end up on a back burner without any idea how they got there and we find ourselves isolated in our service forgetting that what got us started was love of people, not love of stuff.

Usually in my blogs I try to offer a solution or at least explain that I'm writing because I have come to a conclusion of sorts, yet tonight I am feeling very Martha-y and I don't have a solution. I am much cumbered about with serving and I feel I don't see a way out yet. As I told my sister earlier in the week I feel like for every good thing I attempt to add into my life it gets countered or twisted so much that I feel like I don't even recognize the action compared to the thought that started it. Her answer is that this is the definition of opposition, there will always be a counter, but sometimes always being countered is just exhausting.

I really do feel as if I have lost my way and I'm not sure where to go from here. Mind you this could be lack of sleep talking (I've pretty much averaged four and half to five hours a night of continuous sleep for the last week and I' learning the body, mind and spirit do need sleep to rejuvenate and function). I am pretty sure there is a good reason why the Lord commands us to get sleep in the Word of Wisdom.

But I also think there is more at stake than just lack of sleep, I really do feel I have lost my way, I'm not sure what I want anymore. It is part of the plan to set goals and work towards those goals, this helps us with self-discipline, gives us direction and purpose, but in order to set a goal one must for have a desire for something and I feel like in this season of my life what I desire is not up to my agency alone, but requires the input and integral action by others.

 I guess what I really desire is to be where Heavenly Father when He needs me and to do His work, yet lately I've felt so caught up in the list of things that I put together, that I feel I have even missed that life changing desire. Where does one find the balance? I feel like I can enter the temple and find peace, joy, love and purpose there, yet leave and enter into the world only to feel lost, alone and confused again. My solution is to just go to the temple more often, but I don't think the Lord intends the temple to become a hidey hole, a refuge definitely, but not a place where we avoid our problems, but instead go to get the tools we need to work through our problems.

Perhaps these feelings are just growing pains, I know I am loved, I know that Heavenly Father offers me His protection and help, I know that when I mess up it is not the end and I know that sleep is important, so now perhaps I take the time to try again, to slow down, process, ponder, re-prioritize and try again. As Elder Holland says we do not fail as long as we stand up again. I may feel a bit lost, but my Savior will find me and I can find Him, and perhaps time is just what I need, even if I do feel a bit like Hugh B Brown's bush. I am trying to be my Father's servant and that means He has a work for me to do it.

The greater small thing

I want to talk tonight about applying and living what we learn. Sometimes as our trials and road blocks feel very repetitive we can feel that the solution is also very repetitive and we feel bad about returning to Heavenly Father again and again with the same request. I'm afraid I fell pray to that trap this week, I felt like I was applying vain repetition and I'm pretty sure that the adversary snuck in as well telling me that the Lord was tired of hearing that request and that I was strong enough now I didn't need to keep asking, but that sounds very much like a lie, now that I look at it hind sight 20/20, Heavenly Father never gets weary of hearing us ask for His assistance, sometimes He will give us new information that we should apply in place of the old, but until He gives us that knowledge we keep consistently and faithfully do what He taught us. He gave us that knowledge not just to be edified, but to receive protection to receive help and if the simple stuff does the job, why try to apply the complicated when the simple does a fantastic job. The adversary jumps on us, and this is the trap I fell into, the brazen serpent pitfall. Because of the easiness of the way (all I needed to do was ask for some assistance of those on the other side of the veil) it paradoxically seemed like too much bother. I wish I understood what was going on in my head when I heed those thoughts, but the point is, I stopped specifically asking for the assistance I needed and things got bad. The adversary sent his shafts in the whirl-wind and because I didn't ask for help, it couldn't come to the extent I needed it.

I found myself frustrated, easily grumpified and focusing only on the negative...not to mention being snippy without cause. It wasn't until I took it to the Lord and asked why I was feeling this way that He showed me the easiness of the way and how effective it really is.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of looking for the bigger things that we can do for the Lord, of asking for some large task to complete, seeking some big project to show our love and devotion, when really all He asks for is consistency. Can we learn to do things so that they can become second nature to us? Can we become consistent enough that we do those things that are a protection and help to us with purpose and intent, but without question or hesitation? Do we choose consistency in the small things as well as trying new things or do we get so caught up in what seems to be the big sacrifices, that we miss the little acts of kindness and service that can bring the spirit so very quickly? Sometimes I want so badly the magnificent, that I miss the significant. I'm not saying to not try the big things or to make the sacrifices ( I mean even now I still am trying for the goal to get up early and study, I'm just reminding myself that it shouldn't come at the expense of my health or joy with my companion, it is important to create opportunities where we feel the Spirit and consecrate time for sacred things, but we must respect our mortal limits, and make the small sacrifices (like developing a pattern of going to bed earlier, so I can get up earlier) in order for the bigger sacrifices to work.

This gospel and this life really is a process of ever growing line upon line, we do the small to train ourselves how to do the big, but loving kindness and learning how to expand our current limitations should take precedence over doing things the way we think they should be done and pushing through regardless of mortal frailties.

As we ponder on this Christmas season and ponder on what we can give our Savior this season, I wonder perhaps if what would mean much for Him is our consistency to do what He has taught us to do. To offer Him a broken heart and contrite spirit and willing hands to do whatever is needed of us, no matter how small, how redundant or how time worn. We all hope to change the world and I wonder if changing the world comes by small asks done over and over again instead of magnificent acts done once.

Luke 16:10
               He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much         


https://www.beaninspirer.com/best-ladder-success-life-ones-kind-deeds/

Sometimes we Stretch Ourselves

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone already...this really has felt like a vanishing year for me. Yet there is a whole lot of life experience packed in the midst of the quickness of the passing days. As I mentioned last week I feel I've been facing a lot of repeats that I thought I had already "conquered" so to speak, yet here they are and they still make me squirm a bit. But I guess in the big scheme of things squirming versus complete despair and melt down really is an improvement. Which really is an encouraging thought, so then I think perhaps I have more figured out then I thought I did. Many times this week, many more times than I care to count, the thought entered my mind, "you know what, this is easier than it used to be, way to go, maybe things won't be so bad..." If you ever really want to invite more opposition into your life just say things are going better than expected. Now when I say this I don't mean it in a negative way, I just mean that life is meant to stretch us and about the time we say we've figured something out something more stretching needs to come along so that we can keep stretching and growing.

Last week my message referenced that this life is a test and as I just said this life is meant to stretch us. Often this will mean experiences enter into our lives to give us those stretching moments, so at those times we buckle up and keep moving forward. Yet sometimes we are invited into growing moments by our own volition, not because of circumstances.

Sometimes as we face a trial or new circumstances we can become complacent as we see that something that used to tear at our heart is now simply a minor inconvenience or as we have incorporated a new routine or are working to a new goal we feel we have stretched ourselves and can thus wait while others catch up. But as I have discovered that isn't how this works. If we are not progressing then we are regressing. On occasion the Lord invites us to take stock of our situation and see how we think we are doing. He wants us to work with Him to see how we might grow and improve. It is so important to have a perspective of consistent forward progress. It is a delightful thing to reach a goal or to see something come to fruition in our lives and have a sense of satisfaction in having completed a task and having done it well. Yet after breathing that in for a moment and enjoying it, then it is time to take it to the Lord and ask how we can improve upon that success and ask what it is that we can be striving for next. It is not mete to be commanded in all things and what a blessing and gift that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us the privilege to stretch ourselves. It is a dangerous thing to believe that we have learned all that we need to or have completed that part of our journey. Heavenly Father needs a prepared people, sometimes He sends things to prepare us and sometimes He is hoping that we are listening and asking what we can do more to make those steps closer to Him and His purposes.
    It is a blessing and gift to be able to reach a point where select trials and tribulations are easier to cope with than they used to be. It is an even greater blessing and gift that upon realizing that we keep seeking to learn and grow and to extend ourselves to keep learning and keep seeking light and knowledge.

There will be peace

Sometimes life just hurts, I'm sure I've said this before and I'm sure I will say it again, so lest I become like a broken record I need to add to this message tonight, though really what I am feeling is that life just hurts.

I'm sure that this isn't news to anyone, it isn't new to me in my brief (yet full) life experience and I'm sure that it isn't new to anyone who has had much more life experience than myself, but I somehow thought that because of the many things the Spirit has been teaching me that somehow mortal life would no longer have its bite, but that isn't how it works. No matter how much we level up in our knowledge and experience mortality can still hurt, this is because this life offers us opportunities to progress to prepare for eternity and leveling-up once isn't enough preparation. I'm afraid I'm not explaining this very well.

This life has been specifically designed to help us reach who we are meant to be, and when I say that I don't mean who we think we can be, I mean who Heavenly Father thinks we can be and that is an entirely different story. Now I've mentioned spiral progression before, but what can be more disheartening is not spiral progression, but plain cyclical progression when you think you've conquered something only to realize that it still bugs you and you still don't handle that particular upset as well as you know you should.

This has been a painful week for me in more ways than one. A dear uncle passed away last week and though in the moment I had all the eternal perspective I could hope for in the moment, since then it has settled in that though I will see him again there are still many miles to go before that can happen and it is the in between miles that are the painful ones. And though I also believe and know of a Spirit world that is very close to this one and of loved ones beyond the veil that really aren't that far away, sometimes I just really miss mortal hugs.

We received the news a few weeks ago that my husband, due to infections in most of his teeth, would need to have them all removed and he would need to get implants to preserve his jawbone health and so that he can chew. Though I am Very grateful for the wonders of modern medicine that gives him hope for teeth even once all of his are gone and I am very grateful for family members who are glad to assist this in this adventure, I am still scared and concerned for this process, even though I am not the one having all of my teeth removed. I know it will be a painful process both physically and psychologically and so far I'm afraid I have not been handling well what I know is to come.

Sometimes the human heart can be a very dark place as we wrestle with fears, frustrations, anger, resentment and grief, especially because grief over the loss of a loved one or the loss of a loved one we had not yet met can pluck at the heartstrings but be disguised with so many other emotions. Sometimes because of the vagaries of life we feel we are isolated in our version of our grief and frustration, we feel frustration because those around us cope by going internally when our grief needs external expression. Sometimes we can hate ourselves for our selfish pettiness and sometimes we feel lost in a maelstrom of loneliness, regret, frustration and fear. And sometimes the knowledge we have of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who understands our pain doesn't help because all of these emotions and the entities that love to stir them up to even greater heights have clouded our vision and blocked our ability to feel that love and to have hope that it truly will be okay again. It isn't an intellectual doubting, it is simply a lack of feeling when that feeling of peace is what we need most. Sometimes we can spend hours in prayer and still find no relief, we are still angry, we are still frustrated, we still feel trapped by circumstances and no that we are truly powerless to change circumstances or force the agency of someone else.

What do we do in these moments? Well we can try self-pity, but as one who has tried that a lot this last week I suggest there is a better option, there is a Savior willing to take our burdens, but it requires that we are willing to set those burdens down. It requires us to ask for help using the tools we know we have. Now this takes me back to where I started in the beginning. No matter how much we know mortality can still be painful, no matter our testimony things can still take our breath away and leave us gasping for breathe. Not because we don't have a testimony, but because that testimony must be stretched in order for us to grow, because sometimes pain does last through the night, because we are held accountable to our greater knowledge and we must use it, even when we are tired and really just want to curl up into a little ball. As we seek to progress, to learn and to grow, trials of greater and greater size will come to us, because we have chosen the path of becoming like our Savior, if we are to follow the Son of God who descended below all things we too must be willing to descend below all things, but our gift is that we know we do not descend alone. As we seek to become the divine that is within us, we must change the parts of our DNA that reside in the natural man realm. As we seek to become all that the Father is our nature must change, at that happens at the very fabric of our existence, this isn't easy and as a dear friend told me tonight there will always be opposition, partly because of the telestial realm in which we live and partially because Satan doesn't want more beings of light in this telestial sphere, he wants us milling around in darkness, not ascending to the skies, gaining the attributes and the ability to call down the powers of heaven in our behalf.

This life is meant to test and try us, there will be moments of darkness, there will be moments of fear, frustration, sadness and there will always be need for forgiveness, yet when we hold to our Savior, when we lay our burdens at His feet (when we consciously work to give Him the ouch and the soul searing pain), our life will not magically become easy, but it will become bearable and there will be peace and I can do so very much when I have peace.