Sometimes It is Bootstraps

Sometimes in life we run into situations where we thought everything was wonderful and peachy, then find out that it isn't. Sometimes this can happen at work, in our social life, in our church calling or even our family. We do our best, then someone else comes in and seems to do all the same things better and it seems our efforts come up lacking. We can find ourselves becoming incredibly defensive about what should be ours and defending our capability. This has been happening to me recently and it became a scenario that the adversary delighted in stirring up trouble in. Instead of seeing myself as part of a team, I felt like I had to defend myself and my turf at all costs. This led me to compartmentalize like nobody's business and to start viewing those around me as enemies instead of people I could work with to improve the situation. This went on for a week as I felt more and more like everybody was out to get me and that they must have malicious motives. Then one day as I left an encounter feeling very frustrated, put upon and suspicious the Spirit whispered to me "How easy it is to vilify others, to think the worst of them and the best of our own motives and intentions, you think you are the only one stressed out in this situation, you think that they are out to get you, what if they feel like their job and position are on the line and that they have to defend themselves."

This was a turning point for me because I realized that I had been so busy trying to defend myself and protect myself that I had forgotten that other people were involved and they were most likely frustrated, scared and confused too. They had been doing these duties much longer than I and I'm sure they felt like I was invading their work and best efforts. This epiphany helped me see with clearer eyes that most often people don't have malicious motives, they are just dealing with their own demons of fear, frustration and confusion. I'm not saying that I was miraculously fine with the situation, I still have a lot of meekness learning to go, but I'm not going to let the adversary control my fear and turn it to anger so easily next time.

This leads me to the next realization I've been coming to this week, that though we have a myriad of emotions at any given moment we are not penalized for having the emotion, it is what we do with that emotion that counts. The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a whole slew of emotions, ( some because of a older lady who asked me point blank why I don't have kids, she asked "don't you want them" if only she knew how much my heart ached, I learned afresh in that moment why being nosy is so hurtful, we have no idea what someone else is going through when we ask what we think is a simply answered question), others for reasons I couldn't even pin point. This morning I just felt so overwhelmed, so frightened, so trapped, so confused, a little angry and for a moment hopeless in the face of pointless. I didn't know how to resolve them and I was so tempted to let them bowl me over. But I realized that just because I didn't know where they came from didn't mean I couldn't get through them. I prayed for peace and I tried my best to stay engaged with the world around me. Even now I feel them lingering in the edges. Now don't get me wrong sometimes a good cry is really what is needed. It clears things out and helps us gain new perspective. But sometimes it is good to exercise our self control and not let them take center stage. Self-pity is never a good thing to invite into center stage, soon we lose our perspective and feel that we are worse off then Job, trust me Job did have it really bad, but the blessing he received for eternity were much greater. That is what we must focus on, eternity. Sometimes we get caught in a trap of comparing ourselves to others in order to get perspective, that usually leaves us prideful or feeling wanting. If instead we do as Lori Wick suggests in one of her books, we look to our lives to where we desire to be in eternity we find ourselves co-partners with God instead of feeling alienated.

I know that there is a time and season for everything in this life, sometimes is the time to cry others is the time for boot-straps and moving forward. But ultimately it is about accepting Christ's invitation for us to come to Him. Usually Sundays are a day for me to rejuvenate and find vigor for the week through wondrous communion with the Spirit, that was not the case today, today was learning that even without epiphanies, trusting Christ and leaning on Him I can keep moving forward. This life has moments to show us that we are stronger than we realize and we can weather the storm, even if it is happening inside us for reasons unknown.

Loving in the Savior's Way

I really should keep this short tonight; one, because there's a headache doing it's best to invade my space and two, because I am trying to follow up on my obedience leaf, last night my dear husband reminded me it was time for bed before midnight (and I actually went to bed) and I'd like to follow that up with another good night.

I think the thing the Lord has been trying to teach me this last week mercy goes a long way, that people matter. Sometimes I think my gospel living should look a specific way, I tend to hold myself to a higher standard than I think the Lord does. Not in a Pharisee sort of way (I hope), but I think that mind set can creep in really quickly. The Pharisees were a group that were known for their exactness in obeying the Law, not only the Mosaic law, but also the rabinic laws that had grown to hedge up the laws through the decades since the prophets. Interestingly these days we don't recognize the Pharisees so much for their exacting obedience as much as for their hypocrisy. Because they put the law above all else they missed the purpose of the law, which was to bring the children of Israel closer to their Savior, so that when their Messiah came to them they missed it. Many of them recognized that He bore more than mortal power, but because they valued their law and the power they had accrued through oppressing the people they probably very literally made a deal with the devil to kill the Savior of mankind.

Now I'm not saying that being obedient to the commandments will one day lead us to such a horrendous act, but I do think that in the name of obedience we forget people, we forget that Christ was called a Sabbath breaker because he chose compassion over what looked right to the people around Him. Now my point is not for us to be disobedient to the rules and commandments, the Lord gave them to us for a reason, I'm encouraging us to be obedient to the commandments so that we can keep the first two greatest commandments, to love the Lord our God and to love our neighbor as ourselves. This then invites the Spirit so we can live these two commandments even better and bless the lives of others. As the Savior did we need to put aside "what others might think" and instead focus on following the Spirit to bless the lives of others. I struggle to put aside what I view as being obedient and what I think looks right, but I find that when I do I am often on the Lord's errand, helping others one on one and doing what will ultimately help me learn and grow and find peace, which often I overlook. Heavenly Father wants what is best for all of us, His plans are for all of us to find peace and purpose, not to become overly wrung out and burnt out. With Christ we can serve others, discover purpose and become more than we are. Without Him usually I just feel tired and overwhelmed.

I am thankful for a Savior who is infinitely patient in drawing me nearer to Him to do work His way, in His time.

Real Perfection

I have a problem, that problem usually shows itself when I hear people whispering around me, I tend to start listening in for fear that I will hear my name come up and hear that someone is displeased with my work. Now the problem I am referring to is not eaves-dropping (however I am aware that I have a problem with that too), no my problem is wanting the appearance of perfection more than truly becoming perfect. Yesterday I was helping in a session at the temple and did something wrong, I recognized my error, but it was too late to do anything about it and so I just had to move forward. About five minutes after this mistake I saw participants in the back whispering to each other and my brain automatically assumed that they were whispering about me and that after the session I would receive correction and I cringed on the inside, I don't like situations where people have to correct me or tell me that my actions/behavior is incorrect. Now I realize very few people enjoy criticism or seek correction and I am no different. Yet as I saw the workers in the back whispering to each other the Spirit asked me a very important question, he asked "do you want to actually become perfect or do you just want to look perfect?" I realized that though my goal is to truly become perfected one day, my actions each day don't show that. When others see me I hope they see someone who is put together, has things figured out and can answer questions.

But if I am truly to become something I need to be willing to accept that I have weaknesses and be willing to have others see them so that they can help me to become better. It is a hard thing to swallow our pride and to receive direction, and then to receive that direction to actually change our behavior. For example, I've been having a hard time going to bed at night, probably since I got married. It started with having homework and staying up late to finish papers, but it is long since graduation and I still nine times out of ten fall asleep on the couch instead of heading to bed when I get tired. Most nights Christopher encourages me to go to bed before I hit that magical hour of bedding down for the night on the couch, yet knowing how tired I am and how long my nightly routine is I usually disregard what he says, thinking that I'll just have a brief nap before getting ready. Mind you that brief nap usually ends up being three hours long and midnight rapidly approaches. Now the point of this story has much less to do with sleep (though it is important) and much more to do with receiving direction and dis-regarding it because it isn't part of my current plan. If I say that I want to change, then I need to be willing to accept suggestions even if in my mind it isn't convenient.

The other side to this discussion about change is rooted in submission. We live in a world that tells us that we should be in control, that we are the authors of our success and that we can do whatever we want. Yet the Lord teaches us differently. By His very example He showed us complete submission to the will of His Father and shows us that true power comes when we allow ourselves to become something more than we can be on our own, by taking the criticism and changing. I am far from having perfected this, in fact I'm afraid that I struggle with wanting my own way and appearing perfect though I am far from it. It is so easy to take offense or become defensive, wanting to place the blame on others or at least focus on how they contribute to the situation. But we don't have control on what others do, we only have control over how we respond.

 So today I want to be the day that I commit to accept reproof when it comes and commit to change. To put my headstrong attitude that I know what is best aside and instead accept change when change is needed. I don't want to come to my own personal interview with my Savior and have that be the time when I realize just how many times He allowed moments to come that were meant to sand down my rough edges, but instead I chose to keep my rough edges because I thought I knew best. Where we get to in this life is largely dependent on how often we allow Christ to pilot our vessel. When we allow the righteous desires of others to encourage change we are letting Christ pilot the vessel of our lives, to sand off the rough edges and to become something glorious.

What do we want in this life? Do we want to appear perfect or do we desire real perfection? That of changing and growing to become something the Lord can use in His work.

Expanding our Possible

I am so very far from perfect, I realize this goes without saying, yet with this understanding also comes amazement that Heavenly Father still blesses me as He does. He is so kind and generous to us His children. Tonight as I looked at the many commandments I am falling short on, on the charity I don't extend to my fellow men and the promptings that I've missed I realized that though I wish I could say that I am trying hard to be obedient and to be good that I'm not doing my best. I am inconsistent, I am confusing in my wibbly-wobbliness. I am a fallen individual with sin and tarnish, I don't always live according to the things I've been taught or understanding that the Lord sends my way. Often I waste my time and often I stay up too late and eat wait more sugar than I should. I suppose these things could be considered little things in the big scheme of things, I mean I'm not doing the "big stuff", but the point of sin is there is no big stuff sin and little stuff sin, all sin, all falling short, all missing the mark is just the missing the mark. When perfection is our goal it doesn't matter whether we are an inch away or ten feet away, we still missed.

 I have been feeling this very keenly lately, not because I have felt condemned, but because I haven't. Because my Heavenly Father and the Savior are still blessing me. Because they give me beautiful days with out pourings of the Spirit, with moments of clarity that clear away the cobwebs of confusion and doubt, because they send light, love and learning even in the act of my falling short. Our God is a great God. Because of the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we are saved even in our falling short, because this life isn't about perfecting our actions, but about perfecting our desire, eternity can bring our actions into line, but without purity of desire and intent, the actions will never come into line.


I'm  thankful for a Savior who saves me in my failings and even as I fall short invites me to ask of Him the impossible. We have a great God, a being who holds the universe in His hands and desires to bless us with the things of that universe, but He won't take away our agency or push in where un-invited. Instead He hopes that we won't limit Him because we don't think we are good enough to receive of His goodness. I hope this year we will remember that with God all things are possible and that He hopes we will expand our possible. We have a great God who delights to bless us, let us not limit Him by only asking for a thimbleful when He wants to give us a swimming pool full. Allow Him the honor of asking in faith for the impossible and improbable. It truly is a faith extending thing when you know He can answer prayers and when you know that not only can He but will He as well.

A New You

Wow, where did 2017 just go? I know I've talked many a time about time going faster, but this just feels a bit ridiculous.

In the stage of life I'm currently at it sometimes feels like accomplishments are marked only through degrees, pregnancy, job promotions, getting a house, getting a dog or moving across the country, as someone who feels that they haven't accomplished any of those things (it is true I did reach staff status at the library on campus, which has been an amazing blessing, just easily overlooked because I've worked there so long...I guess that is why I write this blog, to take a step back and remember) the year that I held out such great hope for as being amazing and decisive, though good, hasn't felt all that ground-breaking or life-altering. In my world that seems full of everyone around announcing a pregnancy, a birth, a new job or starting a masters program I have found myself the last few days feeling rather stagnant.

I have been setting goals, trying to learn new things and implement positive changes in my life, yet they have been small things, trying to figure out how to go to bed on time instead of falling asleep on the couch, trying to dedicate more time to scripture study to increase my knowledge and invite the Spirit, learning to think before I speak so that I don't unintentionally wound or hurt those I love and those around me, learning to think about what could be possible instead of just focusing on what is at the current time and learning that I am softening around the edges. All of these things are good and important, they help me be a more well-rounded person and help me refine my character to be more of who I want to be as the years pass by. Yet for the most part they aren't necessarily things you bring up in everyday conversation, they aren't things you parade around or overly advertise because they are internal battles and struggles that are just that internal and private. It is hard to see the progress in the day to day, when it feels like every time you open your mouth something unintended still comes out or you fall asleep on the couch for the sixth night in a row (even if you do wake up before 1 am for the first time in those six days) or you sleep through that half hour of scripture study again. Often the adversary has us focus on the things we messed up or missed again because he doesn't want us to see that though the changes are incremental and hard to see at any given time that a change has occurred and that our hearts are in process of softening and re-forming to be a kinder version of ourselves.

I hope that in this new year we don't only take the time to see what we aren't accomplishing or lamenting over the things that didn't happen, but that also see the incremental changes that mean so much, that bring a new spirit into our lives and greater opportunities for growth and improvement. Whether the changes that come into your life are great or small they all matter and they all are life changing and amazing. Let Christ be your guide and whether great or small you will find a new you and that is a wondrous gift. I am constantly amazed at Heavenly Father's grace in my life. So often I do fall short of what I hope to be and so often I can preach a good sermon and still fall short in the application, yet everytime I take a step back and realize I am not who I want to be and I have once more lived below my potential and privilege, there is my Father and my Savior waiting with me as I try to try again and to embrace where I am as well as where I can one day be.

If We Invite Him In

I loved our Christmas program in sacrament meeting this year, we sang the hymns we love so dear, yet more than that we not only heard of Christ's birth, but also of His life in both the Old and New world. In our modern world we sometimes hear that Heavenly Father sent His son as a baby because a baby is more approachable than a grown man as Savior of the world and to a certain extent, I think that is true. Just look at the many of the world that chose to go to church on Christmas, but not necessarily any other time of the year or those whose hearts are softened and are more willing to give at the time of a baby in Bethlehem than at any other time of the year. But I also think that it is more than that.

In fact, here's some irony, many of those on earth at the time of Christ's birth and life couldn't accept that He was the Savior because He had come as a babe. They were expecting a political Savior. The house of Israel's lot in life at this stage of history was very grim, they were a minority facing political oppression and those in Jerusalem faced an especially hard time not only did they face political oppression, fear of persecution, fear of injury, fear of imprisonment, fear of death (in the Meridian of time many were hoping for and seeking a Savior, they were expecting a political Savior, someone to ride in on a stallion, armor and a host of warriors to storm Jerusalem and overthrow Herod the Great {and later Herod Antipas}, this meant that the Herods often imprisoned Jews and persecuted them to de-moralize them and stop assassination attempts before they were enacted, during this time there were many riots in the streets, many Jews imprisoned and murdered for the name of peace). With this knowledge can we blame the Jews for hoping for a fighting Messiah, can we blame them for seeking hope from continued violence and persecution? Then add the religious turmoil within the Jewish faith. Jews at that time knew that their high priest had sold out to the tetrarchy and that the rulers of the temple were using Korban* (sacred, set aside) temple funds to build aquaducts for the glory of Rome. There were many who were faithful and continued living the law of Moses the best they could, but I'm sure they wondered if their obedience was enough with corruption in the positions of those that were supposed to be helping them draw nearer to God.

Then you have other groups who have put up so many laws, ordinances and suggestions around the Law of Moses, that they no longer lived the law or remembered the Spirit and purpose of the Law, which was to draw them nearer to the Savior and Messiah. Since the days of Adam mankind has looked to Jehovah, Yahweh, the Savior of all mankind who would come to save them from their sins. Yet in the environment of Christ's birth many had forgotten what His coming could mean, many thought He would come with a flaming sword and others had lost any hope that He would even come at all.

Yet He did come, I testify that He came to earth as a baby to draw all men to Him and back to His Father. Christ came as a babe, not just to be less intimidating, but to understand what it is to be a baby dependent on someone else for everything, to be a toddler learning to walk His first steps, to be a five year old and understand what it is when someone doesn't like you for the first time, to be a teenager with teenage angst and confusion, to be a young man learning His way in the world and to be a man without a home and with few true friends. Our Savior is our Savior and Redeemer not just because of a night in a garden when He felt our pains and sins and not just because He died on a cross and rose from a garden tomb (though without these things He couldn't have been our Savior), He is our Savior and Redeemer because He also was born in a manager after leaving a throne. Because He learned grace by grace, because He understands loneliness, sadness, happiness and joy, because He lived them. He didn't just experience our joys and sorrows, He experienced His own so that He has true empathy. He knows us, He knows mortality, He knows the sting of effort un-received, of things not going as He'd hoped and of sometimes sitting alone. Our Savior came here down below so that He could walk with us in perfect understanding and exalt us to heights we never knew existed.

Christmas starts in a lowly stable, with a poor mother and father not knowing how to get to what needed to happen next, with shepherds of the temple flock, shepherds who had long tended sheep that would go to the temple to be sacrificed for the sins of the people, these shepherds were the first to see the final necessary sacrifice for All mankind. These shepherds saw the last korban** first born son, they who had provided the needed lambs for sacrifice for all the house of Israel saw the Savior of all of Israel, and all of God's children everywhere. Then came the wise men declaring to the world that not only had they met an equal in the gifts they gave Him, but they had met the King of all Kings. Then came Simeon and Anna at the temple who had received the promise that they would see their Savior before their death and they added their testimony to His eternal and immortal work. Then came His disciples who saw Him preform miracles, who blessed bread and fed the five thousand, who healed the sick and raised the dead and saw Christ, their Savior and friend return to life. Then comes the martyrs through the centuries protecting, living and dying for the truth of a Savior. Then came Joseph Smith who restored knowledge, truth and ordinances that were lost and now comes us.

We are called to Live for Christ. We are called to not only go to that stable and see Him as a babe, we are called to see Him as a Man, as a Savior, as our Redeemer. Just as the Jews in the meridian of time no longer knew who their Savior was or how He would come, we live in a world that has largely forgotten their Savior and has forgotten that He comes to us. He lived a  mortal life to know our lives and to succor us and He comes in His own time and His own way to each of us. May we let Him in, in this mortal journey that can be full of joy and pain. May we always make room for the babe of Bethlehem, for the King of Kings, for our Savior and our Friend. He came for us, now we live for Him and please let Him in. Embrace the life and path He prepared for you, for ultimately that path will lead us closer to Him, if we invite Him in.




*Corban [N] [S]a Hebrew word adopted into the Greek of the New Testament and left untranslated. It occurs only once ( Mark 7:11 ). It means a gift or offering consecrated to God. Anything over which this word was once pronounced was irrevocably dedicated to the temple. Land, however, so dedicated might be redeemed before the year of jubilee ( Leviticus 27:16-24 ). https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/corban/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korban

**All first born sons in Israel were considered korban, set aside for God's purposes and His work.  The tribe of Levi fulfilled the role of temple workers for the entire house of Israel. Thus first born sons were brought to the temple to be redeemed through the sacrifice of a lamb from that role.

the Light of the World

   I feel like Christmas spirit was really easy as a child. As I have shared in previous years I loved seeing the lights twinkling on the tree, re-arranging the nativity and imagining myself with the shepherds or singing with the angels, joining the choir for the Christmas program and enjoying sneaking around stores trying to avoid other members of my family as we were all shopping for our Christmas exchange gifts. Even as an older teenager I had a certain sense of Christmas awe, I have always felt the spirit of Santa Clause, for Santa Clause has a certain embodiment of loving kindness, of secret giving and sharing the love of God with all mankind, even now as a Santa Clause of sorts in my own home I love making the preparations for Christmas morning.

   Yet this year hasn't felt the same. This is my first year having a 40 hrs a week job and a spouse, the responsibilities of full time employment, cleaning the house and preparing for gift giving seems to have zapped me of my normal Christmas zeal. Even putting up the Christmas tree and seeing the lights twinkling and Christmas music playing hasn't filled my heart with the usual Christmas joy.

   The snow has definitely helped me feel the "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" theme more and I do love me the snow and Christmas lights on houses combination, yet I haven't felt the same warmth in my heart. Even after two years of marriage (I realize that even years down the road some of these things might still perplex me) I still struggle with the balancing of old and new family traditions, of how different families have unique holiday plans and styles, and that sometimes more flexibility than less is required.
    Tonight as I've been trying to figure out why my previous holiday spirit is proving most elusive this year I realized it is because I was focusing on the wrong things. First and foremost I wanted things to be the way they used to be instead of realizing that things change and instead of pining over days gone by it is better to embrace the new. And as I pondered I also realized that I had forgotten the true purpose of Christmas. Now I say purpose instead of meaning, because we can remember the true meaning of Christmas and still lose our way. The true meaning of Christmas, at least in my mind, is to celebrate the life of Christ and the gift of His Son Heavenly Father gave to the world. The purpose of this season is to share that love with those around us. In becoming caught up in a specific feeling of Christmas, in wanting old traditions over new experiences and in being just plain self-ish I had missed that love is at the forefront of this holiday. Why do we have a holiday all about gift-giving? It is because the day began with the greatest gift given to mankind, the gift of life-giving love through the gift of our Savior Jesus Christ. The gift of love in the form of a sinless sacrifice who gave His life out of love that we might live with His father once more. This season is about reunion, about remembering the gift of love and placing that gift first in our lives. Placing that gift first will look differently to each of us, we each are on a different path and on a different place on that path as we as individuals return back to our Heavenly Father. But if I may, I think that love must needs go first to those we chose for eternity.

The world blares that Christmas should look a certain way, that specific things are necessary for the holiday to be just so, and I'm not talking about materialism (we already realize that this is something to try to avoid) because Christmas is the time we celebrate the coming of the Light of the World coming to earth, this is also a time when Satan works to detract, distract and keep us from finding Christ-like love at Christmas. Christmas falls near the darkest night of the year so that we have a reminder of life, light and hope. We must fight for that light by sharing that love. I used to think love just happened, now I'm coming to realize that it is a continuous choice and one that must be fought for, chosen and loved.

I hope we can take time for quiet pondering in which we can talk with the Light of World to learn how we can share His light and His love with those around us, remember those ways might surprise you.