A New You

Wow, where did 2017 just go? I know I've talked many a time about time going faster, but this just feels a bit ridiculous.

In the stage of life I'm currently at it sometimes feels like accomplishments are marked only through degrees, pregnancy, job promotions, getting a house, getting a dog or moving across the country, as someone who feels that they haven't accomplished any of those things (it is true I did reach staff status at the library on campus, which has been an amazing blessing, just easily overlooked because I've worked there so long...I guess that is why I write this blog, to take a step back and remember) the year that I held out such great hope for as being amazing and decisive, though good, hasn't felt all that ground-breaking or life-altering. In my world that seems full of everyone around announcing a pregnancy, a birth, a new job or starting a masters program I have found myself the last few days feeling rather stagnant.

I have been setting goals, trying to learn new things and implement positive changes in my life, yet they have been small things, trying to figure out how to go to bed on time instead of falling asleep on the couch, trying to dedicate more time to scripture study to increase my knowledge and invite the Spirit, learning to think before I speak so that I don't unintentionally wound or hurt those I love and those around me, learning to think about what could be possible instead of just focusing on what is at the current time and learning that I am softening around the edges. All of these things are good and important, they help me be a more well-rounded person and help me refine my character to be more of who I want to be as the years pass by. Yet for the most part they aren't necessarily things you bring up in everyday conversation, they aren't things you parade around or overly advertise because they are internal battles and struggles that are just that internal and private. It is hard to see the progress in the day to day, when it feels like every time you open your mouth something unintended still comes out or you fall asleep on the couch for the sixth night in a row (even if you do wake up before 1 am for the first time in those six days) or you sleep through that half hour of scripture study again. Often the adversary has us focus on the things we messed up or missed again because he doesn't want us to see that though the changes are incremental and hard to see at any given time that a change has occurred and that our hearts are in process of softening and re-forming to be a kinder version of ourselves.

I hope that in this new year we don't only take the time to see what we aren't accomplishing or lamenting over the things that didn't happen, but that also see the incremental changes that mean so much, that bring a new spirit into our lives and greater opportunities for growth and improvement. Whether the changes that come into your life are great or small they all matter and they all are life changing and amazing. Let Christ be your guide and whether great or small you will find a new you and that is a wondrous gift. I am constantly amazed at Heavenly Father's grace in my life. So often I do fall short of what I hope to be and so often I can preach a good sermon and still fall short in the application, yet everytime I take a step back and realize I am not who I want to be and I have once more lived below my potential and privilege, there is my Father and my Savior waiting with me as I try to try again and to embrace where I am as well as where I can one day be.

If We Invite Him In

I loved our Christmas program in sacrament meeting this year, we sang the hymns we love so dear, yet more than that we not only heard of Christ's birth, but also of His life in both the Old and New world. In our modern world we sometimes hear that Heavenly Father sent His son as a baby because a baby is more approachable than a grown man as Savior of the world and to a certain extent, I think that is true. Just look at the many of the world that chose to go to church on Christmas, but not necessarily any other time of the year or those whose hearts are softened and are more willing to give at the time of a baby in Bethlehem than at any other time of the year. But I also think that it is more than that.

In fact, here's some irony, many of those on earth at the time of Christ's birth and life couldn't accept that He was the Savior because He had come as a babe. They were expecting a political Savior. The house of Israel's lot in life at this stage of history was very grim, they were a minority facing political oppression and those in Jerusalem faced an especially hard time not only did they face political oppression, fear of persecution, fear of injury, fear of imprisonment, fear of death (in the Meridian of time many were hoping for and seeking a Savior, they were expecting a political Savior, someone to ride in on a stallion, armor and a host of warriors to storm Jerusalem and overthrow Herod the Great {and later Herod Antipas}, this meant that the Herods often imprisoned Jews and persecuted them to de-moralize them and stop assassination attempts before they were enacted, during this time there were many riots in the streets, many Jews imprisoned and murdered for the name of peace). With this knowledge can we blame the Jews for hoping for a fighting Messiah, can we blame them for seeking hope from continued violence and persecution? Then add the religious turmoil within the Jewish faith. Jews at that time knew that their high priest had sold out to the tetrarchy and that the rulers of the temple were using Korban* (sacred, set aside) temple funds to build aquaducts for the glory of Rome. There were many who were faithful and continued living the law of Moses the best they could, but I'm sure they wondered if their obedience was enough with corruption in the positions of those that were supposed to be helping them draw nearer to God.

Then you have other groups who have put up so many laws, ordinances and suggestions around the Law of Moses, that they no longer lived the law or remembered the Spirit and purpose of the Law, which was to draw them nearer to the Savior and Messiah. Since the days of Adam mankind has looked to Jehovah, Yahweh, the Savior of all mankind who would come to save them from their sins. Yet in the environment of Christ's birth many had forgotten what His coming could mean, many thought He would come with a flaming sword and others had lost any hope that He would even come at all.

Yet He did come, I testify that He came to earth as a baby to draw all men to Him and back to His Father. Christ came as a babe, not just to be less intimidating, but to understand what it is to be a baby dependent on someone else for everything, to be a toddler learning to walk His first steps, to be a five year old and understand what it is when someone doesn't like you for the first time, to be a teenager with teenage angst and confusion, to be a young man learning His way in the world and to be a man without a home and with few true friends. Our Savior is our Savior and Redeemer not just because of a night in a garden when He felt our pains and sins and not just because He died on a cross and rose from a garden tomb (though without these things He couldn't have been our Savior), He is our Savior and Redeemer because He also was born in a manager after leaving a throne. Because He learned grace by grace, because He understands loneliness, sadness, happiness and joy, because He lived them. He didn't just experience our joys and sorrows, He experienced His own so that He has true empathy. He knows us, He knows mortality, He knows the sting of effort un-received, of things not going as He'd hoped and of sometimes sitting alone. Our Savior came here down below so that He could walk with us in perfect understanding and exalt us to heights we never knew existed.

Christmas starts in a lowly stable, with a poor mother and father not knowing how to get to what needed to happen next, with shepherds of the temple flock, shepherds who had long tended sheep that would go to the temple to be sacrificed for the sins of the people, these shepherds were the first to see the final necessary sacrifice for All mankind. These shepherds saw the last korban** first born son, they who had provided the needed lambs for sacrifice for all the house of Israel saw the Savior of all of Israel, and all of God's children everywhere. Then came the wise men declaring to the world that not only had they met an equal in the gifts they gave Him, but they had met the King of all Kings. Then came Simeon and Anna at the temple who had received the promise that they would see their Savior before their death and they added their testimony to His eternal and immortal work. Then came His disciples who saw Him preform miracles, who blessed bread and fed the five thousand, who healed the sick and raised the dead and saw Christ, their Savior and friend return to life. Then comes the martyrs through the centuries protecting, living and dying for the truth of a Savior. Then came Joseph Smith who restored knowledge, truth and ordinances that were lost and now comes us.

We are called to Live for Christ. We are called to not only go to that stable and see Him as a babe, we are called to see Him as a Man, as a Savior, as our Redeemer. Just as the Jews in the meridian of time no longer knew who their Savior was or how He would come, we live in a world that has largely forgotten their Savior and has forgotten that He comes to us. He lived a  mortal life to know our lives and to succor us and He comes in His own time and His own way to each of us. May we let Him in, in this mortal journey that can be full of joy and pain. May we always make room for the babe of Bethlehem, for the King of Kings, for our Savior and our Friend. He came for us, now we live for Him and please let Him in. Embrace the life and path He prepared for you, for ultimately that path will lead us closer to Him, if we invite Him in.




*Corban [N] [S]a Hebrew word adopted into the Greek of the New Testament and left untranslated. It occurs only once ( Mark 7:11 ). It means a gift or offering consecrated to God. Anything over which this word was once pronounced was irrevocably dedicated to the temple. Land, however, so dedicated might be redeemed before the year of jubilee ( Leviticus 27:16-24 ). https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/corban/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korban

**All first born sons in Israel were considered korban, set aside for God's purposes and His work.  The tribe of Levi fulfilled the role of temple workers for the entire house of Israel. Thus first born sons were brought to the temple to be redeemed through the sacrifice of a lamb from that role.

the Light of the World

   I feel like Christmas spirit was really easy as a child. As I have shared in previous years I loved seeing the lights twinkling on the tree, re-arranging the nativity and imagining myself with the shepherds or singing with the angels, joining the choir for the Christmas program and enjoying sneaking around stores trying to avoid other members of my family as we were all shopping for our Christmas exchange gifts. Even as an older teenager I had a certain sense of Christmas awe, I have always felt the spirit of Santa Clause, for Santa Clause has a certain embodiment of loving kindness, of secret giving and sharing the love of God with all mankind, even now as a Santa Clause of sorts in my own home I love making the preparations for Christmas morning.

   Yet this year hasn't felt the same. This is my first year having a 40 hrs a week job and a spouse, the responsibilities of full time employment, cleaning the house and preparing for gift giving seems to have zapped me of my normal Christmas zeal. Even putting up the Christmas tree and seeing the lights twinkling and Christmas music playing hasn't filled my heart with the usual Christmas joy.

   The snow has definitely helped me feel the "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" theme more and I do love me the snow and Christmas lights on houses combination, yet I haven't felt the same warmth in my heart. Even after two years of marriage (I realize that even years down the road some of these things might still perplex me) I still struggle with the balancing of old and new family traditions, of how different families have unique holiday plans and styles, and that sometimes more flexibility than less is required.
    Tonight as I've been trying to figure out why my previous holiday spirit is proving most elusive this year I realized it is because I was focusing on the wrong things. First and foremost I wanted things to be the way they used to be instead of realizing that things change and instead of pining over days gone by it is better to embrace the new. And as I pondered I also realized that I had forgotten the true purpose of Christmas. Now I say purpose instead of meaning, because we can remember the true meaning of Christmas and still lose our way. The true meaning of Christmas, at least in my mind, is to celebrate the life of Christ and the gift of His Son Heavenly Father gave to the world. The purpose of this season is to share that love with those around us. In becoming caught up in a specific feeling of Christmas, in wanting old traditions over new experiences and in being just plain self-ish I had missed that love is at the forefront of this holiday. Why do we have a holiday all about gift-giving? It is because the day began with the greatest gift given to mankind, the gift of life-giving love through the gift of our Savior Jesus Christ. The gift of love in the form of a sinless sacrifice who gave His life out of love that we might live with His father once more. This season is about reunion, about remembering the gift of love and placing that gift first in our lives. Placing that gift first will look differently to each of us, we each are on a different path and on a different place on that path as we as individuals return back to our Heavenly Father. But if I may, I think that love must needs go first to those we chose for eternity.

The world blares that Christmas should look a certain way, that specific things are necessary for the holiday to be just so, and I'm not talking about materialism (we already realize that this is something to try to avoid) because Christmas is the time we celebrate the coming of the Light of the World coming to earth, this is also a time when Satan works to detract, distract and keep us from finding Christ-like love at Christmas. Christmas falls near the darkest night of the year so that we have a reminder of life, light and hope. We must fight for that light by sharing that love. I used to think love just happened, now I'm coming to realize that it is a continuous choice and one that must be fought for, chosen and loved.

I hope we can take time for quiet pondering in which we can talk with the Light of World to learn how we can share His light and His love with those around us, remember those ways might surprise you.

Growing Pains

it is very easy to lose yourself and it can happen so quickly. We get caught up in doing good things, but can still miss the greater good thing. Jesus once taught through parables about good servants doing good deeds then asked his disciples "why should a servant receive great praise for doing what he was hired to do?" I've been pondering on that A Lot the last few weeks. I enjoy being engaged in good work, I enjoy serving others and trying to help in making their burdens light, yet so often I feel my efforts go un-received.

I told myself tonight that I would be vulnerable tonight and share that, but I'm finding it is still hard to share what has infested my heart. I use the word infested very purposefully, because I didn't start out to become bitter, I didn't start out feeling as though I had been put apart. But it feels that with each act of kindness I try to offer others a dagger of bitterness pierces my heart that I just keep giving and giving and nothing ever seems to be reciprocated. It is interesting to me that we can start with pure intent, a true desire to lift the burdens of others, and to serve our Heavenly Father's children, yet as the laundry piles up, the sleep gets ever less, the stitches set just keep growing and the physical distance increases from those we love because we are so intent on doing things instead of blessing people those we love most end up on a back burner without any idea how they got there and we find ourselves isolated in our service forgetting that what got us started was love of people, not love of stuff.

Usually in my blogs I try to offer a solution or at least explain that I'm writing because I have come to a conclusion of sorts, yet tonight I am feeling very Martha-y and I don't have a solution. I am much cumbered about with serving and I feel I don't see a way out yet. As I told my sister earlier in the week I feel like for every good thing I attempt to add into my life it gets countered or twisted so much that I feel like I don't even recognize the action compared to the thought that started it. Her answer is that this is the definition of opposition, there will always be a counter, but sometimes always being countered is just exhausting.

I really do feel as if I have lost my way and I'm not sure where to go from here. Mind you this could be lack of sleep talking (I've pretty much averaged four and half to five hours a night of continuous sleep for the last week and I' learning the body, mind and spirit do need sleep to rejuvenate and function). I am pretty sure there is a good reason why the Lord commands us to get sleep in the Word of Wisdom.

But I also think there is more at stake than just lack of sleep, I really do feel I have lost my way, I'm not sure what I want anymore. It is part of the plan to set goals and work towards those goals, this helps us with self-discipline, gives us direction and purpose, but in order to set a goal one must for have a desire for something and I feel like in this season of my life what I desire is not up to my agency alone, but requires the input and integral action by others.

 I guess what I really desire is to be where Heavenly Father when He needs me and to do His work, yet lately I've felt so caught up in the list of things that I put together, that I feel I have even missed that life changing desire. Where does one find the balance? I feel like I can enter the temple and find peace, joy, love and purpose there, yet leave and enter into the world only to feel lost, alone and confused again. My solution is to just go to the temple more often, but I don't think the Lord intends the temple to become a hidey hole, a refuge definitely, but not a place where we avoid our problems, but instead go to get the tools we need to work through our problems.

Perhaps these feelings are just growing pains, I know I am loved, I know that Heavenly Father offers me His protection and help, I know that when I mess up it is not the end and I know that sleep is important, so now perhaps I take the time to try again, to slow down, process, ponder, re-prioritize and try again. As Elder Holland says we do not fail as long as we stand up again. I may feel a bit lost, but my Savior will find me and I can find Him, and perhaps time is just what I need, even if I do feel a bit like Hugh B Brown's bush. I am trying to be my Father's servant and that means He has a work for me to do it.

The greater small thing

I want to talk tonight about applying and living what we learn. Sometimes as our trials and road blocks feel very repetitive we can feel that the solution is also very repetitive and we feel bad about returning to Heavenly Father again and again with the same request. I'm afraid I fell pray to that trap this week, I felt like I was applying vain repetition and I'm pretty sure that the adversary snuck in as well telling me that the Lord was tired of hearing that request and that I was strong enough now I didn't need to keep asking, but that sounds very much like a lie, now that I look at it hind sight 20/20, Heavenly Father never gets weary of hearing us ask for His assistance, sometimes He will give us new information that we should apply in place of the old, but until He gives us that knowledge we keep consistently and faithfully do what He taught us. He gave us that knowledge not just to be edified, but to receive protection to receive help and if the simple stuff does the job, why try to apply the complicated when the simple does a fantastic job. The adversary jumps on us, and this is the trap I fell into, the brazen serpent pitfall. Because of the easiness of the way (all I needed to do was ask for some assistance of those on the other side of the veil) it paradoxically seemed like too much bother. I wish I understood what was going on in my head when I heed those thoughts, but the point is, I stopped specifically asking for the assistance I needed and things got bad. The adversary sent his shafts in the whirl-wind and because I didn't ask for help, it couldn't come to the extent I needed it.

I found myself frustrated, easily grumpified and focusing only on the negative...not to mention being snippy without cause. It wasn't until I took it to the Lord and asked why I was feeling this way that He showed me the easiness of the way and how effective it really is.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of looking for the bigger things that we can do for the Lord, of asking for some large task to complete, seeking some big project to show our love and devotion, when really all He asks for is consistency. Can we learn to do things so that they can become second nature to us? Can we become consistent enough that we do those things that are a protection and help to us with purpose and intent, but without question or hesitation? Do we choose consistency in the small things as well as trying new things or do we get so caught up in what seems to be the big sacrifices, that we miss the little acts of kindness and service that can bring the spirit so very quickly? Sometimes I want so badly the magnificent, that I miss the significant. I'm not saying to not try the big things or to make the sacrifices ( I mean even now I still am trying for the goal to get up early and study, I'm just reminding myself that it shouldn't come at the expense of my health or joy with my companion, it is important to create opportunities where we feel the Spirit and consecrate time for sacred things, but we must respect our mortal limits, and make the small sacrifices (like developing a pattern of going to bed earlier, so I can get up earlier) in order for the bigger sacrifices to work.

This gospel and this life really is a process of ever growing line upon line, we do the small to train ourselves how to do the big, but loving kindness and learning how to expand our current limitations should take precedence over doing things the way we think they should be done and pushing through regardless of mortal frailties.

As we ponder on this Christmas season and ponder on what we can give our Savior this season, I wonder perhaps if what would mean much for Him is our consistency to do what He has taught us to do. To offer Him a broken heart and contrite spirit and willing hands to do whatever is needed of us, no matter how small, how redundant or how time worn. We all hope to change the world and I wonder if changing the world comes by small asks done over and over again instead of magnificent acts done once.

Luke 16:10
               He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much         


https://www.beaninspirer.com/best-ladder-success-life-ones-kind-deeds/

Sometimes we Stretch Ourselves

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone already...this really has felt like a vanishing year for me. Yet there is a whole lot of life experience packed in the midst of the quickness of the passing days. As I mentioned last week I feel I've been facing a lot of repeats that I thought I had already "conquered" so to speak, yet here they are and they still make me squirm a bit. But I guess in the big scheme of things squirming versus complete despair and melt down really is an improvement. Which really is an encouraging thought, so then I think perhaps I have more figured out then I thought I did. Many times this week, many more times than I care to count, the thought entered my mind, "you know what, this is easier than it used to be, way to go, maybe things won't be so bad..." If you ever really want to invite more opposition into your life just say things are going better than expected. Now when I say this I don't mean it in a negative way, I just mean that life is meant to stretch us and about the time we say we've figured something out something more stretching needs to come along so that we can keep stretching and growing.

Last week my message referenced that this life is a test and as I just said this life is meant to stretch us. Often this will mean experiences enter into our lives to give us those stretching moments, so at those times we buckle up and keep moving forward. Yet sometimes we are invited into growing moments by our own volition, not because of circumstances.

Sometimes as we face a trial or new circumstances we can become complacent as we see that something that used to tear at our heart is now simply a minor inconvenience or as we have incorporated a new routine or are working to a new goal we feel we have stretched ourselves and can thus wait while others catch up. But as I have discovered that isn't how this works. If we are not progressing then we are regressing. On occasion the Lord invites us to take stock of our situation and see how we think we are doing. He wants us to work with Him to see how we might grow and improve. It is so important to have a perspective of consistent forward progress. It is a delightful thing to reach a goal or to see something come to fruition in our lives and have a sense of satisfaction in having completed a task and having done it well. Yet after breathing that in for a moment and enjoying it, then it is time to take it to the Lord and ask how we can improve upon that success and ask what it is that we can be striving for next. It is not mete to be commanded in all things and what a blessing and gift that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us the privilege to stretch ourselves. It is a dangerous thing to believe that we have learned all that we need to or have completed that part of our journey. Heavenly Father needs a prepared people, sometimes He sends things to prepare us and sometimes He is hoping that we are listening and asking what we can do more to make those steps closer to Him and His purposes.
    It is a blessing and gift to be able to reach a point where select trials and tribulations are easier to cope with than they used to be. It is an even greater blessing and gift that upon realizing that we keep seeking to learn and grow and to extend ourselves to keep learning and keep seeking light and knowledge.

There will be peace

Sometimes life just hurts, I'm sure I've said this before and I'm sure I will say it again, so lest I become like a broken record I need to add to this message tonight, though really what I am feeling is that life just hurts.

I'm sure that this isn't news to anyone, it isn't new to me in my brief (yet full) life experience and I'm sure that it isn't new to anyone who has had much more life experience than myself, but I somehow thought that because of the many things the Spirit has been teaching me that somehow mortal life would no longer have its bite, but that isn't how it works. No matter how much we level up in our knowledge and experience mortality can still hurt, this is because this life offers us opportunities to progress to prepare for eternity and leveling-up once isn't enough preparation. I'm afraid I'm not explaining this very well.

This life has been specifically designed to help us reach who we are meant to be, and when I say that I don't mean who we think we can be, I mean who Heavenly Father thinks we can be and that is an entirely different story. Now I've mentioned spiral progression before, but what can be more disheartening is not spiral progression, but plain cyclical progression when you think you've conquered something only to realize that it still bugs you and you still don't handle that particular upset as well as you know you should.

This has been a painful week for me in more ways than one. A dear uncle passed away last week and though in the moment I had all the eternal perspective I could hope for in the moment, since then it has settled in that though I will see him again there are still many miles to go before that can happen and it is the in between miles that are the painful ones. And though I also believe and know of a Spirit world that is very close to this one and of loved ones beyond the veil that really aren't that far away, sometimes I just really miss mortal hugs.

We received the news a few weeks ago that my husband, due to infections in most of his teeth, would need to have them all removed and he would need to get implants to preserve his jawbone health and so that he can chew. Though I am Very grateful for the wonders of modern medicine that gives him hope for teeth even once all of his are gone and I am very grateful for family members who are glad to assist this in this adventure, I am still scared and concerned for this process, even though I am not the one having all of my teeth removed. I know it will be a painful process both physically and psychologically and so far I'm afraid I have not been handling well what I know is to come.

Sometimes the human heart can be a very dark place as we wrestle with fears, frustrations, anger, resentment and grief, especially because grief over the loss of a loved one or the loss of a loved one we had not yet met can pluck at the heartstrings but be disguised with so many other emotions. Sometimes because of the vagaries of life we feel we are isolated in our version of our grief and frustration, we feel frustration because those around us cope by going internally when our grief needs external expression. Sometimes we can hate ourselves for our selfish pettiness and sometimes we feel lost in a maelstrom of loneliness, regret, frustration and fear. And sometimes the knowledge we have of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who understands our pain doesn't help because all of these emotions and the entities that love to stir them up to even greater heights have clouded our vision and blocked our ability to feel that love and to have hope that it truly will be okay again. It isn't an intellectual doubting, it is simply a lack of feeling when that feeling of peace is what we need most. Sometimes we can spend hours in prayer and still find no relief, we are still angry, we are still frustrated, we still feel trapped by circumstances and no that we are truly powerless to change circumstances or force the agency of someone else.

What do we do in these moments? Well we can try self-pity, but as one who has tried that a lot this last week I suggest there is a better option, there is a Savior willing to take our burdens, but it requires that we are willing to set those burdens down. It requires us to ask for help using the tools we know we have. Now this takes me back to where I started in the beginning. No matter how much we know mortality can still be painful, no matter our testimony things can still take our breath away and leave us gasping for breathe. Not because we don't have a testimony, but because that testimony must be stretched in order for us to grow, because sometimes pain does last through the night, because we are held accountable to our greater knowledge and we must use it, even when we are tired and really just want to curl up into a little ball. As we seek to progress, to learn and to grow, trials of greater and greater size will come to us, because we have chosen the path of becoming like our Savior, if we are to follow the Son of God who descended below all things we too must be willing to descend below all things, but our gift is that we know we do not descend alone. As we seek to become the divine that is within us, we must change the parts of our DNA that reside in the natural man realm. As we seek to become all that the Father is our nature must change, at that happens at the very fabric of our existence, this isn't easy and as a dear friend told me tonight there will always be opposition, partly because of the telestial realm in which we live and partially because Satan doesn't want more beings of light in this telestial sphere, he wants us milling around in darkness, not ascending to the skies, gaining the attributes and the ability to call down the powers of heaven in our behalf.

This life is meant to test and try us, there will be moments of darkness, there will be moments of fear, frustration, sadness and there will always be need for forgiveness, yet when we hold to our Savior, when we lay our burdens at His feet (when we consciously work to give Him the ouch and the soul searing pain), our life will not magically become easy, but it will become bearable and there will be peace and I can do so very much when I have peace.

Not just this life

 

I'm struggling tonight, I'm struggling tonight because this life matters so very much, but it feels like most people are in sleep walking mode. They are content with surface answers they have given or heard a thousand times throughout their life time of lessons on four year loops. I'm so tired of hearing that I should share the Gospel and questions about how to do it, but never the doctrine of why we do it ( now keep in mind, I have nothing against the idea of being a member missionary and sharing Heavenly Father's love with His children. In fact for the first time in my life I feel like I'm having opportunities to share the Gospel in ways I've never had before and it is a joy). My struggle is that we should be talking about the why, that as the covenant house of Israel we made covenants before we came to this life to share what we know now, as the covenant house of Israel in this life we know that we shared the Gospel and mission of the Savior with all those around us in pre-earth life as we fought the war in heaven. As the covenant house of Israel we have promises that we can live with Christ in Zion, but we must do our part to prepare the world and part of that preparation comes in changing our hearts as we serve and share.


Having each day felt the urgency of the return of our Savior growing stronger, realizing that the forces of darkness are growing more and more overt in their portrayals of what is mainstream and acceptable and in what the world tells us we are okay to do. Seeing scenes from Sodom and Gomorrah play out in our media and on the street I can't help but wonder just how much time we have left and so I struggle when we face Sunday School the same way we have for years. In my mind Sunday School has always been a place where we study the scriptures to learn how to prepare for the scenes playing out around us. Yet more and more I feel like the last two hours of the church block are to placate us in our current course of life instead of calling us to action and calling us to become and to do more than we currently are. Yes I realize that change can be hard and sometimes even a bit painful, but I would choose to work with the Lord to level up instead of going contrary to Him and place myself where the adversary has easier access to mess with me.

We talk so much about this life as if this life is the only thing that matters, that all we do ends once we leave this life and that eternal things will only matter once we get to the eternal realms. I wish we understood that this life is just one stage of a much bigger play that we are in, that if we choose to learn things of eternal significance here, we will be much better placed once we enter that eternal sphere, that the things we learn here and prepare for in this life will improve our spiritual character as we move to the next stage of our immortal progression.

I was reminded this morning just how fragile mortal life can be. For perhaps just the second or third time in my life death has touched me in a more personal way. My grandfathers died before I was born or before my memory extends and though many great uncles died and an older sister in my ward died, they all seemed to have finished their journey in this life and were very ready (having received all their credits needed to graduate from this mortal life) to move to the next and it was a gift for them to go. But tonight I ponder on a dear friend that died, someone that though I had only entered their life five years ago when I married into their family, embraced and supported me as their own, in fact once he found out when I wrote my blog he'd be on every Sunday night or Monday morning to read it. We got closer over the last year as I got more comfortable opening up and realized we had a lot of shard life experience. As I went through my struggles this last winter he shared with me his own struggles of trying to help those struggling with depression and I can only think, now that he has been released from his mortal tabernacle, perhaps he can be a help to them in a way he couldn't be before.

What is the purpose of this life if it can be so fragile and end so quickly? What is the point of all this mortal life suffering and tribulation? If we only ever few it in the context of I now pray better than I used to or I have more empathy (both very good things) if that is as far as it goes we have missed it. We are in this mortal experience to learn deeply about ourselves, deeply about our Savior and learn more keenly about a spiritual character that is only revealed in the climb and struggles of this life. Not only is this life not the end, but the next life isn't the end either (it is called eternity to eternity for a reason), just as pre-earth life came before this earth, and this life comes before the next, there is an eternity after the next life and we just keep growing and improving through each step as we strive to become more like Heavenly Father and then more like who ever Heavenly Father is working to become like. (Just as Lorenzo Snow once said "As man now is, God once was: “As God now is, man may be" God is also working to become something that once we become like God we can become that too). 

This life matters so very much and can be so very fragile, what if instead of viewing this life as just another thing we have to do, we view it as a critical piece to our eternal progression and we are empowered to know that we have many who are invested in us and our efforts and there is a much bigger universe out there than we ever imagined. This life is not just average or hum drum it is important training for the worlds to come and the better we face and handle experiences here the more prepare to be a help and a blessing in the world to come.

Now this knowledge doesn't magically make this life easier, nor does it take away the pain of losing loved ones or facing struggles, but if things didn't break our hearts in this life we would never be ready and able to receive the glories that await us, we wouldn't be ready to become like our Savior and our Father who have faced all of mortality and now succor us in our mortality.

Please oh Please Embrace It

Wow! There is so much that I would like to talk about tonight, there is something amazing about receiving knowledge, first it makes you want to share it, then you get more and want to share more. Well this last week I learned a lot and want to share a lot, so I hope that you will be guided by the Spirit to know what you need in your life and that you will be guided to what is written for you.

First off, I would like to offer a word to the carers in the world. those who though they might not be facing a specific challenge such as an illness (whether physical or mental) or facing problems themselves are supporting, encouraging and caring for those who are. I know a little what it is like to live through the dark watches of the night when you have brief respite from the pain of a loved one, only to now have room for your own pain and fear. It will be okay, even if in this moment it doesn't feel it. I love you, your Savior loves you and your Father who is up in Heaven loves you and there is a Heavenly Mother coming to minister to you in your dark watch of the night, when all feels so overwhelming and hopeless. You are known and you are counted as a savior on mount Zion, as one who stuck it out, stuck it through and became some one new in the process. It can be painful at times when it seems the whole world cares for the person you are caring for and hasn't taken a moment to ask how you are and you feel so selfish for feeling that way. It is okay to feel that way, and if you need someone to talk to, please talk to me. We all need a carer and what a gift it is that we are all connected and can all share that role throughout this life. Please in your own dark watches reach out to those who love and care about you (or maybe a stranger blogging about it) we are not meant to face life altering moments alone. And even in the moments when no one else on this earth can possibly understand, our Savior can and He stands ready to embrace you and to help you and the one you are caring for. Be at peace, it will be okay in the end and if it is not yet okay, then it is not yet the end.

Second thought, life is short, as you carers know sometimes it can feel minuscule even. What a sad thing it is that it usually takes tragedy for us to realize just how potent and important embracing life can be. This last week I didn't face tragedy, but I did get a wake up call. For months now I have felt that I wasn't living up to my full potential, I felt that there were things I needed to change in order to reach the next stage of my growth in becoming who the Lord needs me to be, but I was coasting thinking that I would make those changes some other day, tomorrow. But the thing about tomorrow is that it never comes, it is this ephemeral concept that is always in the future, but never in the present and I kept letting it get the best of me. I was lulled into a false sense of security, that I had time for change and time for intention later.

I really love teaching, it is one of my favorite things and teaching the Gospel is even better. I love what I learn when I teach and guess what, I don't have an official calling to teach right now and I was using that as an excuse. Because I was reading a chapter of the Old Testament in the morning and the Book of Mormon I felt like I was doing just fine. What I wasn't letting myself realize is that I was under living. I wasn't living with intention. There wasn't room for growth, for progress, to try new things and be a better person. I thought because I didn't have a lesson to teach, I couldn't learn something teachable without it. Now I want to prepare a lesson a week and pray that someone will come into my path that I can share that lesson with, so we can both learn something new. I also thought that I was in a phase of my life where my learning and trying new things was limited. I have felt very overwhelmed with my job, trying to make healthy choices and being an emotional support to my spouse that I forgot that I could do more, it would however taking planning and effort.

Somehow in our world today we have this false philosophy that things aren't worth effort. We keep developing newer technology that seems to do all the hard stuff for us, a rumba so we don't have to vacuum, a smart phone that has a calendar to remember stuff for me, and smart cars so I don't even have to drive any more. We sell ourselves short when we sell out to technology. I'm not saying that some modern conveniences aren't a beautiful thing, because then they can help us have more time for the important things. The problem is when scrolling through Facebook or watching the latest food network show is the important thing we're doing. I'm not saying these are bad things, it's just I found that they were taking all my time. I didn't have time to clean my house or try something new because they had become my life, instead of an occasional break from the rigors of my life.

These are the last days, as Sis Holland put it, we are in the last days of the latter days, there isn't time to put things off, to let skills remain unlearned and purpose undiscovered. These are the days when Satan is at war for the souls of man, and we are the choice spirits Heavenly Father chose to send to earth at this time and for this work. We cannot expect to idle away our time and then feel fulfilled and purposeful. There is a work that we have been sent here to perform, but we must discover it. As children of the Divine Creator of the universe we have skills and abilities that we don't even understand or grasp yet, but they cannot be discovered by the idler or the coaster, they can only be discovered by the intent discoverer, by the creator who knows they can do so much more. We are living in days never to be forgotten, don't be forgotten. Don't let Satan lull you into a false sense of time, that you are doing enough and all is well.

I wonder what we would do if we knew who we really are. How would our perspective change, how would our desire change? For so long I wanted to change, but I couldn't convince myself that it was worth the effort. Now I realize, it is the only effort truly worth making. This life is but a moment, but it is necessary as we grow and develop through eternity. Our Savior and our Father invites us to live with intent so that we can be who we are intended to be. They invite us to reach our fullest potential, to create and to learn how to be stewards, we can't expect to go from Facebook to world creator in one fell swoop. I like the steward with the five talents in the parable of the talents want to be a good steward so that the Lord knows He can trust me with so much more than just time. I don't want to be a slave to time anymore, I want to be a servant in my Father's house, to bring peace to those who are hurting, to bring love to the lonely and power to the forgotten. I want to be a force for good, not just another rock sitting on the bottom of the river of life. These are the last days, purpose is required. That purpose may come in so many different forms, it will be unique to each of us, but please oh please embrace it.

We have been called, but we choose ourselves

Now this week's post may seem a bit excessive and it comes from the fact I'm feeling a bit fired up about something, but at the heart of it this post comes from love. And it will be a long one.

Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-29 says:

26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

 29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

So please explain to me why I have heard from multiple sources this week, "I don't need to worry about that until they talk about it in conference" or "well the Brethren haven't said anything about that, so I don't need to change anything" or the idea that if the church doesn't have an official policy about it that it is beneath our consideration.We each have our own journey and our own path, the things we will learn from better than others, the things that will ring truer to our heart and the things we need that no one else does for our learning and growth. The Brethren can't address every issue, this church is a church made up of individuals going through their own individual, personal and unique trials they don't address everything because with over 15.7 million members from all walks of life and all over the world they just can't. But what they do do and what Joseph Smith advocated was to teach us true principles and that we might govern ourselves. The Brethren and general leadership of the church work to advocate a life style that we can feel and be directed by the Spirit in our lives, but that means we need to be seeking the Spirit to guide us.

I'm not saying we don't heed the Prophet, I'm saying we heed the Prophets so we have the Spirit that can give us individual guidance on our individual journey. We need that individual help so much.  As I sat in the temple yesterday I was struck anew by the phrase "philosophies of men mingled with scripture". My dear brothers and sisters we are living in a day when this phrase and its full meaning has indeed entered into the church. We have forgotten that we are called to be a peculiar people, that means we are different, that means we seek higher laws and a higher plain to live on, that means we are a covenant people that seek to meet Christ sooner rather than later, this means sacrifice is required, this means we seek the best things, not just the good that are only slightly different from the world. This means dear siblings that we are willing to give up the good for the best, that means that we stop seeking after darkness and wonder why our life isn't filled with light. Has anyone else noticed that Halloween is so much more popular today than it ever has been? Halloween used to be about dressing up for fun and getting candy. Now it is everywhere, freaky ads for candy showed up two months in advance. Ghosts, skeletons, witches, and jack o lanterns are on food, toys and in kids meals. I realize that all the holidays are becoming more commercialized and I realize that other than Thanksgiving (which came about later than the rest of the holidays and started as a day of prayer, though I'm sure someone could argue it represents a pagan holiday of harvest somewhere) most do come from pagan holidays. When "the church" began its work to spread the gospel to the barbarians and pagans (I'm referring to Holy Roman Empire times) they tried a frontal assault against pagan rites and religious acts and in every case they lost. People chose what they knew over what the church was offering and the church often lost converts. So overtime they tried a new tactic, placing their holy days on days of importance to pagan religions, thus instead of having to choose, people could do both, they could participate in church ordinances without forgetting their past. They never had to truly change because they were given the option to do both. (Perhaps it is time to learn the history of the things we do and celebrate without thought).

Our Heavenly Father has invited us to truly change, to leave behind the natural man and become a new creature in Christ, with new priorities and sacrificing to seek greater light and knowledge. I can't (and don't want to) prioritize anyone elses' life, I'm struggling enough with my own self to make better choices and make the sacrifices to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. But I will invite everyone to take a look at their life and see if there might be places where Satan has tricked us with sneaking in the philosophies of man with scripture, where he has snuck his agenda and his purpose, but because it seems like no big deal or everyone is doing it we shouldn't worry about it. But we should. Our Savior has invited us to seek Him, to avoid even the appearance of evil, He invites us to forsake the mediocre and try for the best. There are many ways to have a summer cottage in Babylon and it will be different for each of us, but the time is coming when we can't have both, we can't have one foot or even a toe in Babylon. The Lord will have a sanctified people, there have been many times throughout the generations of the earth when His truth was lost because people cared more for the world around them, than they cared about what the Lord commanded them (did you know that the name Yahweh had been revealed to Adam, Abraham, Issac and Jacob -just to name a few- but due to unbelief the name and the covenant had been lost until Moses at the burning bush, the knowledge was lost because overtime people cared more for the majority than the covenant). We are standing at just such a time. Satan through the disguise of the world is actively seeking to destroy us, but he does it by degrees, every time he can get us to say "it isn't a big deal" or "that is important, but I'll do it later" he has chipped away at our spiritual foundation. (Noah started building the ark before there was a cloud in the sky, the sky is starting to get clouds on the horizon). If the Lord from the beginning of time has called us away from the world, perhaps it is because He realizes there are some less than good things in the world disguised as the greatest. We have a choice to make, we are standing on the edge of the knife, we are in the last days when the harder right choice must be made. Our Savior needs a special people to prepare the world for His coming, we have been called, but we choose ourselves.

With God nothing is impossible

Tonight's post is a bit of a continuation of my post from last week.

 This week I was reading the account of the angel Gabriel visiting the Virgin Mary telling her that she would be the mother of the Son of God and she just accepted it, she didn't argue that she wasn't worthy, she didn't present an argument about how anatomy worked or that God could and would work a miracle in her life and for all of Israel, she simply said let it be as you've said it will be. She had faith and acted on the faith that nothing was impossible with God. Because she believed there was no impossible with Heavenly Father there was no impossible. She was named highly favored because she went with the impossible and trusted that Heavenly Father would provide away, even knowing the law, knowing being pregnant out of wedlock could mean death, even knowing it could break Joseph's heart, she trust the Lord to do the impossible, so she saw the impossible.

Heavenly Father does His best work in the impossible and that is why Satan is working so hard to convince us to be skeptics, he pushes an agenda and steady diet of doubt, questioning, misbelief, disbelief, and misinformation. This skepticism can come in many forms, sometimes it comes in outright attacks, people question "why do you need God, why would He care about you, why do you need a God, can't you do things on your own?" Sometimes those attacks come more subtley "miracles like that don't need to happen in our day, why do we need angels, we have the restored gospel?" And sometimes that skepticism manifests itself in doubt, pure and simple, " why would the Lord do that for little old me, that couldn't be a miracle?" Some of these forms of skepticism may seem more destructive than others, but I assure you they all block belief. Satan doesn't care so much which level of skepticism gets you, he just wants to keep you away from belief because he knows belief brings you to the miracles.

So often in the world today and in the world today I hear people scoff at the idea of angels, scoff at the idea of miraculous occurrences, for people who believe the heavens are open we can be rather closed minded. Why don't we believe that miracles can and will happen in our lives? I'm not suggesting for us to be sign seekers, perhaps it isn't part of our individual journey to have the angel Gabriel appear to us and tell us we are well favored of the Lord, but I do know that the Lord has so much more for us than we are currently accessing for ourselves.

We are children of the Most High God, we are children of a creator that makes us creators in training, that means we need to practice. As children of the Most High we have access to the powers of Heaven, we have the birthright to do the miraculous, that doesn't just mean it will come in the next life, the more we tell ourselves that our inheritance only comes in the next life the more we miss out on opportunities to make the next life even greater and make this life more powerful.

Satan knows that on a steady diet of self-doubt and skepticism we will always see ourselves as the "average joe" not fit for anything amazing or powerful. When we limit ourselves we also limit Heavenly Father. As Elder Holland says, He only has us, as imperfect and flawed as we are, to work with, but He makes do and He wants to do wonders. We have already entered the last days (in the year 2000 Pres Hinckley said the seventh seal had opened) as we come closer to the Second Coming of our Savior Satan has and will continue upping his game. As Latter-Day Saints we can't expect to get a free pass or say that All is Well in Zion, all is not well and Heavenly Father needs us to step up and to believe so that He can preform His work and His glory and His miracles in the world today. He needs a people who believe in prophecy and will tell Him, let it be as you have prophesied it will be, He needs a people who are and will be peculiar and who aren't limited by false beliefs about Heavenly Father and themselves. As Harold B Lee said, this is a generation of sleeping giants. We are the spiritual giants of the last days, but we must claim that power or the work needed of us will pass us by.

With God all things are possible, especially for those who believe.

A Blue Print for the Future

My post tonight is based on this question, do we really believe the Book of Mormon is true?

Our leaders and prophets frequently invite us and challenge us to read this amazing and life changing book. For those of us who have taken their challenges we have seen exactly what they promised us we'd see, a spirit has entered our lives from reading that book, a peace has come that has helped heal perspective and increase faith and has strengthened us in our daily journey. Yet as special as those moments have been in our lives and though they have helped us, this amazing book offers us so much more.  I think the Lord intends the Book of Mormon to be so much more.

Heavenly Father has given us a book that outlines our history and mirrors our future. We have been told that this book is for our day, this means we apply it to our day and not only do we observe the same patterns in our day, we look for and expect to see the same things now as we prepare for the Second as those who were preparing to see the Savior when He visited the Americas.

If we believe that the Book of Mormon is true than not only do we believe that secret combinations could happen in our day, we look for them as a sign of the times. If we believe the Book of Mormon is true than we follow what the prophets and writers of the books in the Book of Mormon did and we expect to see the same results. If we believe that the Book of Mormon is true than we expect to see miracles in our lives. At the end of the Book of Mormon Moroni teaches us that if miracles have ceased in our day it is because of a lack of belief. Notice that he says belief, not faith. We can have faith in Jesus Christ, but if we lack belief then He can't act in our lives. We must believe that not only can He do miracles and that He will do miracles, but that it is part of His plan to do those miracles in our lives. We must believe that we can become like Jacob, that we can be like the brother of Jared, that we can be like Mormon and Moroni. If we believe the Book of Mormon is true than we also believe Elder Jeffrey R Holland when he says that angels are among, they are with us.

If we believe the Book of Mormon is true than we expect the miraculous, we work for the wondrous and we believe that the Lord is active in our lives.

Here is an excerpt from the Doctrine and Covenants teacher's manual, lesson 37

"In 1939, when it appeared that World War II would soon break out, the English gentleman called Brother Brown into his office. He asked Brother Brown to defend his religious beliefs in the same way he would discuss a legal problem. In a general conference address, President Brown recalled part of their conversation:

...

The English gentleman said that he believed the biblical accounts of the Lord speaking to prophets. However, he maintained that such communication had stopped soon after the Resurrection of Christ. The conversation continued with another question from Brother Brown: “Why do you think it stopped?”

“‘I can’t say.’

“‘You think that God hasn’t spoken since then?’

“‘Not to my knowledge.’

“‘May I suggest some possible reasons why he has not spoken. Perhaps it is because he cannot. He has lost the power.’

“He said, ‘Of course that would be blasphemous.’

“‘Well, then, if you don’t accept that, perhaps he doesn’t speak to men because he doesn’t love us anymore. He is no longer interested in the affairs of men.’

“‘No,’ he said, ‘God loves all men, and he is no respecter of persons.’

“‘Well, then, … the only other possible answer as I see it is that we don’t need him. We have made such rapid strides in education and science that we don’t need God any more.’

“And then he said, and his voice trembled as he thought of impending war, ‘Mr. Brown, there never was a time in the history of the world when the voice of God was needed as it is needed now. Perhaps you can tell me why he doesn’t speak.’

“My answer was, ‘He does speak, he has spoken; but men need faith to hear him’” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1967, 117–18; or Improvement Era, Dec. 1967, 36–37).

I second both the men in this interchange, we do need our Heavenly Father now more than ever and He does speak, but we do need faith (and I might add) belief that He does. 

I testify that the Book of Mormon is true, that the Lord does speak today and that everything within the pages of that amazing book is true and does happen in our day. I invite you and myself to read with eyes of belief, to believe that the Book of Mormon is not just a record of the past, but a blue print for the future and that the Book of Mormon can change our lives.

First thought, loving kindness/A little more grace

Perhaps in this post I am speaking to the choir a bit. I know that the media focuses only on the negative and I also know that most of us really feel that love is at the heart of our response. I'm also not saying in this post that we love and support sin, Christ didn't teach that and we shouldn't live that. But He did go against common ideas of His time, He spoke for the poor in heart and He always extended mercy. Part of our purpose in this life is learning how to take the Spirit as our guide, and the Spirit can teach us how to share love and mercy, through grace and we could all use a little more grace on this earth and in this life.

We are called to be a peculiar people, to stand out from the world in new and happy ways. I used to think a whole lot about this statement and I do still think that this is a call to Zion, to take the Spirit as our guide, to embrace the things of heaven and less of the things of Babylon, but in order to do all of these things we need to embrace an attribute of Jesus Christ, the attribute of mercy. In order to build Zion, to follow the Spirit and leave Babylon we need to be merciful, for this is how we receive mercy and this is how we become like our Savior.

It seemed to me that a call to being different would require becoming perfect and that just seemed so overwhelming to me. Yet as I have pondered, read more about Christ and pondered on the work He did for us and looked at the world around us I realized that showing mercy is the major way we could be different from the world. One needs only to look at Facebook to see that mercy is not on the top of the priority list for many. So many times I see assumptions made, judgment passed and notices of condemnation go out. People who are seeking perfection only see the short comings in others and prey upon the weaknesses of others, this ought not to be. Our Savior was first and foremost a giver of love, a giver of second chances. Instead of assuming the worst of others, or placing unrealistic expectations, choose to love and choose to reach out in kindness to lift instead of reaching out in indignation.

We all want to be ready to see our Savior when He comes again, we all fear being deceived, we all fear different things that are happening in the mortal world at this time, but getting on a high horse or letting fear speak for us do not show us as disciples of Christ who trust their Lord and Savior to speak for them and to offer love to all. He is our Advocate with the Father for He is the one person who felt who we are, He understands motives and effort levels and He delights in being merciful.

Let us learn to be like our Savior and find joy in mercy instead of in judgment and to learn kindness as our first word instead of our after thought. Let us be a peculiar people, a people who's first thought is loving kindness.

It is okay to just be

For a weekend that I've been looking forward to for a month, for the opportunity to listen to conference and just have time at home to rest and recoup, it sure didn't work out that way. It was a bumpy weekend full of good things, but not what I had expected or planned on.

I find myself unfulfilled from the weekend, I feel just as raggedy as when I began the weekend, part of me thinks it was because I just didn't get enough uninterrupted conference time and part of me wonders if the answers I was seeking were actually to be found in conference. But to be honest, I'm really not sure what answers I should be or am seeking. So much of what I have prayed for in the past two years seems to have come, so why do I still feel discontented? Is it because a part of me lives in fear that it will come back again? Is it because part of me doesn't know how to adapt to this new set of good circumstances? Or is it because I still feel so overwhelmed by what is going on in the world and the things that "weren't fixed"?

I know that I should be happy, I mean come on more than half the talks between the Women's Conference and the sessions the last two days talked about finding joy in our circumstances, so why can't I find it? I do have gratitude for the good that has come into my life, I do work to pray each day grateful for the Lord's hand in my life, so why am I still grumpy?

Usually General Conference energizes me, but today after listening to the talks that I got to hear, I still feel empty, I still feel as if I am trudging through this life, doing my best to serve, but those efforts feel so limited and less than worthy. I found myself on many occasions feeling like every effort had missed and that I am still too prone to be grumpy, frustrated and selfish and I don't want to be those things.

And the real kicker of my tale is that for two weeks now the Spirit has told me to write a letter to Heavenly Father and see what He says back and I still haven't done it. I know it is Satan and his minions distracting me from this effort that has brought such peace and love before, yet still I don't do it, even tonight with the note book next to me by the couch I'm still not doing it...not from a lack of desire, but just tired out will power.

I know it is important to get sleep and have good nutrition because your soul is your body and spirit combined. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I felt it so clearly last Sunday, but once more I feel in the dark. Just yesterday I felt okay, but once more the dark clouds seemed to have rolled in.  Perhaps tonight really all I feel I can say is, it's okay to be tired, it's okay to feel you've missed the mark and it's okay to not feel like you can take on the world right this moment. If you can't feel so now it is okay to rest, regroup and try again tomorrow. Have hope that moments of love, peace and enduring will come and know that angels are surrounding you. You have thousands of angels with you, protecting, guarding and guiding you. You do not walk this life's journey alone. Go to the temple that holy edifice where your Father waits to greet you and just be in the moment, feel the feelings and then let them wash over and away from you.

Our efforts might be less than our best, they might seem downright miserable, but remember though our efforts are far from perfect we are loved by a God who is perfect and a Savior who loves perfectly, it is okay to be less than, because He has all we need to make up the difference, it is okay to stumble and fall for He will put us on His shoulders and it is okay to just feel done because He can jump start us again. Be what you need to be, then reach out to Him because He delights to heal and He delights to help us start again, to start loving again, to start putting the frustration aside and to heal again.

These are days never to be Forgotten

As Oliver Cowdery said "these are days never to be forgotten..." I don't say this solely because of the Sept 23rd "end of the world prophecy", but I do say that partially in response to it. We live in a day when the waters have heaved itself beyond their bounds, earthquakes have been racking Mexico weekly if not daily (triggering a volcano that took out a church), wild fires destroying property across the West, Pres Uchtdorf comparing Republicans and Democrats to Israelis and Palestinians, not to mention comparing current practices to those of Nazi Germany. I realize he was talking about villianizing your opponents makes it easier to enact violence against them. But it doesn't change the fact that we, here in this nation, were compared to nationalities who face violence in their streets almost daily and who enacted awful pogroms against other races. We cannot keep our heads in the sand, there is violence in our society, there are acts of hatred, corruption abounds and the media distracts us with pettiness and irony instead of things of real import.

Yes I do realize there is good in the world, there are acts of charity, there is service, kindness and love. But for every act of goodness you can bet there is an equal and opposite force of darkness. We are living in days likened unto the Book of Mormon, Pres Packer said years ago that there is nothing occurring in Sodom and Gomorrah that isn't occurring in our world (and I would say in our country) today.

I'm not saying this to be a negative Nelly or to say that the sky is falling, but I do say this to beg us to pay attention to the signs all around us. Heavenly Father said that He created stars to show signs in the heavens...and we are to pay attention to the signs of the times. I'm not saying the world is ending, because just as the rest of you noticed the sun did rise today and it will continue to rise until Heavenly Father halts the earth, no amount of men's predictions can do that. But just because a man or men do not interpret a sign incorrectly doesn't mean the sign doesn't exist, it just means we missed the point. Please take some time to seek the Spirit, it doesn't matter whether the end comes tomorrow or years away, we know it is coming and we are seeing prophecy fulfilled, ask the Spirit what you can do to be a disciple of Christ, to prepare the world for His coming, to help make the world a place of greater light.

These are days never to be forgotten, there are great changes coming to the earth, don't be distracted or misled into believing that these days are of no import. Listening to the Women's Session of General Conference tells us that, they called us to be distinct from the world, to be innovative, to learn to follow the Spirit so we can walk with our Savior (because He is nearer than we think), we are called to not believe the lies of the adversary, but to be strong and hold to our divine nature as children of God. We are the ones preparing the earth for the Second Coming of our Savior. Last year Sis Nelson taught us how to not be overwhelmed by despair, but to hold to light and to faith. Pres Nelson taught us that the true meaning of millenials are those who are to prepare the earth for the coming of the Lord and His millennial reign.

We of this latter-day saint generation have that which millennia of generations have waited for, we have the power to enter into the presence of the Lord. When we enter the temple we have the gift of being cleansed and sanctified so that we can enter to be with our Lord. Millennia of the House of Israel could only take a sacrifice to the Tabernacle or to the Temple in Jerusalem and give it to a priest that did a work for them (whether a sin, redemption or atoning offering), we through the power of the New and Everlasting Covenant of the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ enter the temple to become priests and priestesses unto the Most High and do the work, not just observe it.

These are days never to be forgotten, we live in a time with more power then has ever been on the earth before, we have the Gospel of Jesus Christ and covenants to sanctify us, we have the ability to change the course of the earth, let us seek for our part to play in this great drama, to learn what we have covenanted to do to help the Lord fulfill His glorious work, let us learn what we can do to bring light and spark a light in others to do this work.

These are days never to be forgotten and how blessed we are to live in them.

Fight for our very Souls

We are living in days when we can no longer be indecisive or neutral. Last week mostly by what I would call accident, but what I know to be divine intervention, I put in a graphic about standing up, standing out and standing firm. I didn't think a lot about it at the time, but as I sat, as a visitor in another ward, I heard a story that brought me back to that image.

In 1863 the Civil War was balanced on the edge of a blade, the Union was tired of losing battles and the Confederates felt that one more winning battle would turn the tide of the war in their favor. They could show the union that their cause was just and they were a separate entity from the United States of America. Abraham Lincoln knew that public opinion was not going in his favor and soon he wouldn't be able to get the industrial support or man power he would need to keep fighting. With the fate of the war hanging in the balance enter the Battle of Gettysburg, the battle with the greatest death toll of a day of battle. On Little Round Top the union soldiers held the line and repelled charge after charge. After days of fighting they had run out of ammunition and faced the only option left to them, a bayonet charge against an innumerable foe, but they knew what was at stake and they dare not back down or retreat. So they stood firm, fixed their bayonets and waited for the command to charge. With courage in their hearts they took that first step forward, not knowing how many would survive that fateful charge or if it would make any difference...*

We are in such a day as that, often as we say, hind sight is twenty/twenty, we don't always see the big picture, we don't see the fateful days in the moment. Those men defending that hill top didn't know how their story would end, but they stood firm and in doing so they won a battle that turned the tide of the war and united the country once more. We are in fateful days, the fate of the war against sin may not hang in the balance, we already know who will win, we know that the Savior will come again to reign on the earth, to bring peace and love to mankind. Though the overall outcome of this battle might already be decided, the individual fate of each of us has not. We have a work to do, but if we do not stand firm we will be neutralized, we will miss opportunities to help other of God's children win the fight and live with Him again.

Be a strong link in the generations, be one who stands up for Christ, who cares so much more for what the Spirit teaches than fleeting fads that are here today and gone tomorrow. Stand firm in the face of opposition, stand firm when the world may mock and deride. Stand firm in the knowledge that our Savior will come again and He comes quickly. He is not delaying the day of His coming and the world knows that His coming is nigh. The upheaval we see in nature all around us, is a call from Mother Earth saying that Her Savior is coming, never to leave again and is a call to human hearts to let the things of this world go and to put love of neighbor and love of God first. I invite you to stand firm this week by taking time to commune with the Spirit and ask Him what you can do to stand up and stand out. Ask Him how you can be a disciple of Jesus Christ in small and simple ways that can change your life and the lives of others.

We may not stand on a physical hilltop with bayonet in hand, but we do stand on a spiritual hill top and the battle is coming to us, we are besieged on every side, hold the ground, know the battle is not only worth fighting for\, but it is also worth winning. Find your Savior in the trenches and know He is fighting for you and with you. He is not a back field commander, transmitting instructions to the front not knowing what is there, He is a commander who sees the whole fight and sees the trenches, trust Him, He desires all of us to win the fight. What He asks may seem mundane or seem crazy, hear and heed regardless, it is His plan that will see us through.

These are days never to be forgotten, may we fight the fight, may we stand up, stand out and stand firm and may we not be neutralized in a fight for our very souls. This is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

*http://www.history.com/topics/american-civil-war/american-civil-war-history/videos/chamberlain-defends-little-round-top

We must be awake

I heard a phrase once (ironically it was probably in a movie) that said " you don't want to just be in love, you want to be in love in a movie." Now the person who said this was telling another person who was in love, but didn't realize it, that they were expecting fireworks and chase scenes and love to be big and dramatic, instead of what it actually is, service, patience, kindness, endurance, more patience and some fun adventures up canyons on picnics, and more service. Because love looked so mundane to this person, they didn't realize they could stop looking for someone new and instead build something amazing with the person they already had in their life.

I totally support this scenario and often see it play out in my own life. Love isn't just canyon adventures or going to the ends of the earth for someone, it's rubbing their feet after you've both had a long day at work, it's cleaning the kitchen so you both have a clean work space the next morning, it's showering so you smell nice for the person you sleep next to and any number of other things you do in the day, not because you have to, but because you want to make things better for another person. It is being willing to hold your tongue in the moment because you know your perspective is skewed and you don't want to hurt the other person, it is being willing to bake things just so your house smells nice and homey for the person you love. It is being willing to overlook the crumbs on the counter and strewn across the floor even though they drive you crazy (because you know you do things that drive them crazy). The entertainment industry seems to glamorize sexual love, when there is a whole world of other types of love that are also necessary to make your relationship a complete one.

These are all true and I know I definitely struggle with them at different times. Yet for me most, my problem is that I want to be in love in an action, end of the world (sort of) thriller. I want the stakes to be high, the spouses to be faithful to one another, even through the terror and mayhem, vanquish the foe, then come back to each other knowing they have made the world a better place for their children and future generations and having the option to receive accolades, but saying no because they know the glory of the world fades. So often my life as a whole feels so mundane, with daily tasks that are done over and over again, with no guts required and no glory imminent. This then tends to make me feel purposeless and a bit pointless. I feel like a life full of exhausted foot rubs is overwhelming in its own way. And waking up every morning to fight the same battle of patience, service and holding ones tongue is just too prosaic to keep going.

Then the Spirit taught me something this week...this is high stakes living, with higher stakes than I could imagine. Waking up every morning to be a responsible human being, to being the best you can be even in the small and simple tasks, of taking a moment to breath before opening your mouth, to sweeping the floor for the fortieth time that day without letting a sigh escape your mouth, to being frugal with your living so that you can give generously to those in need, and to defending yourself against the attacks of the adversary when that mean spirited voice in your head suggests you should be angry or feel self-pity or you should procrastinate or that you deserve something. The thing we don't realize is that fighting this good fight is creating our spiritual character. It is what helps us to become the person that Heavenly Father can rely on to do His work and help His children. As we fight this good fight and reject those nasty voices in our heads (that at times feels so reasonable and fair) we are rejecting the adversary's power in our life and in the world. We are binding his minions and fighting for the light.

The fact of the matter is that we are living in the end times of this earth and we are warriors of the side of light. It is true that often living a life of duty and love does feel mundane, it seems unimportant and sometimes even frustrating, but it is important. The more we show love, patience and kindness the more our nature is changed, the more we feel the presence of the Spirit in our lives and the more light we have to offer others. When we "hold the line", when we hold to the mark of virtue, patience and kindness we allow Christ's love to bloom in this world and prepare the earth for future generations, we literally make a better world for them. Who knew that when we choose perseverance over frustration, when we dispel the nasty voices in our heads, when we embrace the mundane and invite the Spirit to expand us, then we are on a path to an eternal reward that will boggle our minds. We are partakers of the work of the Lord and we are helping to bring to pass His work and glory.

So if as you contemplate this coming week and feel like it will be a repeat of last week and what's really the point, remember the battle is real, that Satan tries to hide Godly character in the mundane and that he doesn't want you to wake up ready to do battle. So take some time to work with the Spirit, discover where your battle is for this week, where you can be a light in darkness, where you can make the life of another better and you go forth and you rock it. This is the time when we can't sleep walk through life, we must be awake and we must be ready to fight for truth and right, no matter what package that truth and right comes in.